Her Will for Me and the Power to Carry that out

I am gaining weight again.  I have told myself in the past that when I begin to over eat there is something I am not dealing with.  I always move to immediate emotions being the culprit.   I am seeing now that it is sometimes a little larger but yet simpler then that.  It's a situation I am unwilling to confront.

My Oracle Cards of late have been speaking of avoiding confrontation.  As my mind moved to my little witch that could and her posse of little eager learners, I was side tracked by the real conflict.  An issue that I have been dancing with lightly until now.

Reading over my own posts and reviewing my own history has flashed some insight on the ways in which I handle closure.... or letting go.

 Oh shit..... here we go again!  She is letting the broken boy back in again!  

.... lol.....  No that's not what's happening, but I can see now that if I don't close the door on that option entirely it will be an issue again for me one day soon.  I will continue to cycle the same issues until I move on to something entirely new.  The confrontation that I need to have was brought about by other flashes of insight.

When I lost those two close friends from my change in lifestyle (from yesturdays post) I was very hurt and lacked understanding.  I didn't realize that I could not have my old life and my new life at the same time.  Like a puzzle the pieces just did not fit together.  It was terribly painful for me to let go of two women that kept me sane and happy for many years, I felt like I was betraying them.  Looking back now I see that my life was moving in a direction they 'chose' not to go.  I wish they had chose to follow, sometimes I miss them dearly.  This was flash insight number one.

Taking down the Focus cutout on my vision board was insight number two.  If you missed that post a few back I made mention to a vision board I have in my kitchen.  I put all the things I want to achieve on there as well as motivating sayings and such.  I had a cutout of the Ford Caption 'Focus is here for you because you are here for Focus'.  I originally put it up when I could not pull myself away from Dope.  Every time I looked at it, it reminded me to keep my focus on staying clean.  It worked!   Its been over a year now and I am clean.  However recently when I looked at it, before taking it down, it reminded me of that terrible struggle.  I was always flashing back to the horrors of addiction and my vision board was inducing feelings of shame.

When clients came to me to lose weight the first thing I advised them is to not put the fat picture on the fridge as a reminder of what they don't want.... but to put the skinny picture of what they do want.  It's more motivating that way.  My focus picture was motivating in the beginning but had turned sour in the end, it had become my fat picture.  My new level of living standards had raised, I had achieved it.  The awareness of other things that needed to move out of my life began dawning on me then.

I was unwilling to make that choice though to move on.  Deal with your shit..... lest your shit deals with you.  Man that's my favorite saying these days.

There is a third insight I have had but I think I will share it after sharing what I need to confront.   There has been a white elephant floating on these pages lately.  I have been trying to ignore it and replace my focus in hopes that, that was enough to move forward.  It's not though.  Damn.  I have always tried the cowards way first hoping that less people would be effected and that I would have to deal with less confrontation.

I understand now what it means to stand for something or fall for anything.  I have been dabbling my toes in standing yet have been unwilling to fully stand when it means there may be confrontation from people that oppose my decision.  Not even confrontation but even just causing people to make comment on what I have chosen to do.  I am still that really impressionable girl that falls for anything.  Learning to stand is.... yuck,  .......it's just really hard.

I have decided to Leave Narcotics Anonymous.

There I said it.  My all or nothing attitude it struggling so hard right now.  I was trying to gracefully slip out the back door keeping one foot in.  Just in case I needed it or it needed me.  My beautiful mentor last night said something though that clicked in a large way for me.  How can you walk into your future when you have a foot in the door behind you?

My counter question is then this, why do I even need to close the door, why can't I find my future and keep tethered to the rooms of NA.  This is what I have been processing for a few months now as my energy slips dangerously low.  The Focus slogan flashes in my minds eye.  What once gave me strength is now draining me.  I do not know why that it is.... it just is.  If I still felt good going to meetings this would not be an issue at all for me.  But I don't.

Even with the ill feeling I get after leaving a meeting, I could hear many many people share how much they didn't want to come to a meeting that night but did.  So I keep going.  Over and over I hear the same things drummed into my mind and soon I was feeling like a drone.  I would go tired and I would leave tired.  So I made a decision to begin to gracefully back away and move back into my spiritual circles where my energy was being renewed and I felt good.

Spirit had different plans.  The oracle cards warned of a confrontation.  I am flashed back to gracefully falling out of grace with my two best friends.  It wasn't so graceful the cowards way.  I just started avoiding them.  I didn't understand.  Ignorance is bliss.  They were still angry and threw that energy at me, maybe even angrier.  I am no longer ignorant, nor can I take the cowards route.  Not because I don't want to.... I do, but because Spirit isn't going to let me.

Another member of my home group basically put it on the line for me.  If I was not going to attend every meeting then I must back down completely from my service position.  At first I thought that was pretty harsh.  Being a treasurer of a meeting that had very small sevenths, I wasn't really concerned about it.  However maybe that was wrong on my part and this was the time for me to step out.  See how my first thought was step out not up.   I cannot commit to a meeting every week even if I wanted to.  My work is where I draw my strength from right now and when the snow flies I must too.  It has fallen every weekend for the past four with the exception of the most recent, yet I still had to work to clean up the recent Friday snow fall.

Between work, my self care, my daughters and my new adventures I just do not have time or energy for NA.  I feel bad about this because it is that path that lead me out of my darkness.  It was those meetings that fed me the light when I was still too sick to fill myself.  I am reminded that what I put before my recovery I will lose.  Again my interpretation of this has changed... I now understand my recovery is my self care, my mothering and my job.  My recovery is listening to Gods will for my life and having the courage to follow it.

I have nothing but amazing things to say about NA.  Just as I have nothing bad to say about my two best friends that chose a different path then me.

We all have our paths.   For awhile I believed that my role was to stay in NA forever and give back what I had been given.  In my narrow focus I was only able to see sponsorship within the rooms as a way of giving back.  However now I can see all the ways in which I have brought the twelve steps too people outside the rooms that need them yet don't have any addictions.  I see how great my giving back has been and that's what feels good to me and that's where I want to go with this.  Sometimes I even wonder if My Spirit brought me through the doors of NA for the twelve steps alone.

The third insight I had is from a dear dear broken boy, that I did truly love.  I did fall in love with a man from the rooms.  The insight came in understanding the cycle of recovery and the getting caught in that cycle.  I have always believed that we cycle through things, issues, situations and all matters of such.  When we complete a cycle we are given an opportunity to break out of that cycle and step into something new.  This is often scary and many people choose to stay in the comfortable norm of the old cycle.  This is what this man had experienced for way to many cycles to count.  This is where I am at now.

I have an opportunity to move on to something new.  In order to move into that something new I need to take both, let me say that again... both feet out of the door.  I need both my feet to launch off the ground.  There is no way to keep one foot in your old life and still move into your new one.  Knowing what your life path is and knowing who you are helps in understanding where you are suppose to go.  I really did believe my life would be forever NA, but the more I get to know myself the more I realize that is not the truth of Me.

I will sign over my treasurers books today and let go of the crutches that have held me up these past couple of years.  I will close the door once and for all on the darkness of my past and move into the light of my future.  I have been sitting in this limbo since Samhain when I blogged about ending this chapter in my life.  Again with the trauma of letting go I struggled.  Yet.....Where there was once tremendous fear, now i am filled with a sense of relief and excitement.   Like the college kid leaving home... I am ready to re-start my life.

Step 1, 2,3,11... Repeat!

Bide the Law ye must

In perfect Love and Perfect Trust

Eight words this Rede fulfill

'An ye harm none, do as ye will'

Ever mind the rule of three

What ye send out comes back to thee

Follow this with mind and heart

And merry meet and merry part.

I have known  of this rede for many years.  I have claimed to live by it for most of those years.  Just recently however I became aware I lacked true understanding of the meaning behind the words.

My lesson to learn recently has been about the impact of my decisions on the people and thus the world around me.  Coming from that place of my selfish inner six year old, I was unable to see beyond my nose.  I acted in a way always that suited my needs of the moment and didn't even consider that there may be people outside my realm that would be effected by meeting my needs, wants... needs.

Dont get me wrong I am not a fool, my momma taught me to be concerned for others.  It's not like I didnt know I could hurt others... duh, I understood that.  What I couldnt see is how a selfish choice that seemingly only effected me and another person actually started a domino effect in my little realm.

Always weighing the consequence of my decisions I tend to make sure the people directly involved with my choices are brought into the realm of my understanding.  What I am learning today is that my realm is very small.  In the selfish nature of my addict I tend to want what I want right now and will tunnel vision to get it. 

The part of the above Rede that I claim to live by that has me sitting in some of my shit is...'An ye harm none, do as ye will'.   In the past this fed my selfish nature as I was unable to see how I hurt people with my actions.  Today it is becoming blaringly clear how my actions have far reaching ripple effects and that harm none has a wider span now.   This is where humility enters.  To know that each action I take will directly and indirectly create a ripple in the pond of my reality and those realities of the people in the pond with me.

Where I once seen only those directly infront of me, I can now see those to each side, and behind me.  I never seen her coming at me but now I can feel every movement behind me because of that missed awareness before.  I am highly attuned to all actions of those around me now and this brings me out of my tunnel vision back into the realm of community.  Obsession creates the tunnel, choices made in obsession bring harm.

'What ye send out comes back to thee'  claims the law of three.  I do not have the option any more to  send out negative energy.  It is like a boom-a-rang, super fast and fucking painful when it smacks me in the face.  So why would I even want to go to these harmful negative places in the first place?  That is the question that mildly haunts me.  I say mildly because I am begining to understand that I won't always receive all the answers to my life questions.  Cunning, baffling and powerful is  the disease of obsession and compulsion. 

I am  back in the light today and walking with the Goddess energy of Quan Yin and feel tremendous gratitude for my life and my higher powers.  I can see clearly now where I went off course recently and all the warnings begining with whispers escalating to screams from my gaurdian spirits.  The next time my intuition will be recognized quicker and I will hopefully steer clear of the impending danger.

All this criptic talk and spiritual energy comes from the place of inner sactuary that I am sitting in right now.  Letting go of  this past hurt has been a peeling of the layers, physical... followed by mental and today in the spiritual.   I think for me I always stop or get stuck in the mental and stay repeating the cycles.  As I sit in deep meditation as the 11 step teaches us I am gifted with deeper understandings to let go entirely my hurts and hang ups of the now passing process in my life.

Merry meet and merry part, all beings and situations that bring me to higher levels of awareness and consiousness.  This is what the program of the twelve steps has gifted me... simple steps to walk up to become a better person.  A less selfish and more community minded person. 

An odd ramble for today....  I blame it on a 60 hour work week and way way too much sugar in my system.

Love to you all, until next week stay clean.

The 11th Step At Work

Topic:  Acting As If

'Fake it until you make it' was a more common term for me before coming in to the Program.  I had been introduced to this way of thought when I began my spiritual practices with The Goddess.  I practised the concept without having really any understanding or proof that it worked.  Even though my practice was insecure and only half hearted, several years later I began to see the proof.  I grew in my spiritual abilities and my life began to change because of it.  Reflecting back today causes my breath to catch over several fake it moments that I now realize were not faking it at all.

When I changed careers in 2007 I found myself in a social circle way out of my comfort zone.  My co-workers,  my clients and my new friends were of a much higher social class than I had ever been privy too.  I loved my job so much that I really began to act as if  I was always one of them.  I felt like a fake in the beginning, it was very hard for me to learn new standards of living.  

I was surprised when I began to learn that all the people that I believed to be of a higher social status then me were all exactly like me.   As I became friends with this supposed higher class, I was confronted with the hard facts that they just managed their finances better then I did, or they managed their social interactions more confidently then I had.  These people were not of a different social class then me they just had different skills in the social arena then I did.  Every one of these new acquaintances started somewhere.... the same place I had spun circles for most of my life.

That fake it till you make it situation showed me that no matter what path your taking in life you don't have all the expertise in the beginning    You must learn.   Pretending that you already know gives you the confidence and passion to take that first step.  Having confidence puts you in a place of being able to ask questions and ask for guidance,  it does for me any ways.  When I feel stupid I just want to cower and hide.  Underneath I felt stupid, but on the outside I was self assured.

Taking this into my life today and back to the original paragraph, I am experiencing an 'act as if' process in my life.    When my previous job ended I spent much time in Prayer.  I know with out a doubt I have good communication with my Higher Power.   During that prayer I felt a deep desire to apply for this specific company within my chosen field of work.  Within days of the job ending I made contact with this employer and set up an interview.  That interview fell through due to scheduling conflicts.  I played a game of chase and tag with the owner of this company for the next two months.

In the meantime I was applying for other jobs and becoming completely discouraged over the lack of productivity that Gods plan was having in my life.  I began doubting my direction.  I lost faith in my Higher Powers ability to take care of me.  Panic and fear started to seed as I began to explore new options.  I lost my confidence to act as if and depression began to threaten to eat me whole.

Finally, Yesterday after a fabulous interview last week I was offered the position God had put in my heart originally.   After I got off the phone with my new employer, I was surprised by how I was feeling.  I lacked excitement.  After all the fear and all the places I applied I finally had a job, yet I could not muster any joy.   

I soon understood, that I always knew I was going to get this job.  The feelings I had were actually feelings of shame for not trusting my higher power to carry my through.  I had just about sabotaged this position.  I had been so frustrated with my lack of understanding that I could not act as if.  I was losing my confidence and my job hunt was suffering because of that. All I could see is all the regrets I had in previous jobs, all my failures and mistakes.  I could only see all the places I had let people down.  By the last day before the job was offered to me, I was completely of the mind set that I was absolutely unhirable.   I lost trust.  I lost faith.

Acting as if has shown me that no matter how large or how small the situation is, by acting like you already own it keeps your mind in a healthy place.  A place of positive dreamscapes and encouraging words.  Losing the As If in our lives takes out the Hope, leaving us with melancholy and despair.

I have hope again today and spent a long time in meditation last night making peace with my higher power.  I feel my spirit coming alive and the nervousness of starting a new job threatening to bring up my yesterdays eats!  Yup Life is Good again!!  Acting as If, back on the agenda as I embark on a new journey and new job!   Fake it till you make it, suckas!

Pray=Talk, Meditation=Listen

My Topic today is about Prayer and Meditation.


 Of all the steps, the eleventh one is by far my favourite and the one that has the most impact on my life.  If you have been reading my posts I am sure you are already highly aware of that as I rant often about meditation.

There is a reason why I spend so much time and focus on this topic, its because I have lots of experience in this area.  I have also come to understand the benefits it has in my life on a wide scale.  When ever we as humans I think get excited about something that has worked for us we naturally want to share it with others.  We are not generally a cruel race, we naturally enjoying sharing.  For me that sharing is the gift of peace a serenity found in mediation.

In active addiction I spent alot of time praying and whining to any power that would listen to me.  I begged for death, begged for life, begged for money, begged for freedom from the obsession of money, begged for my dealer to hurry up, begged for him to go away.   I have talked to the God of the passing current understanding so much that I got sick of talking.  I got tired of my own whining and pleading.  I also got tired of not being heard.  I found myself even more angry at this stupid God that seemed to be there for everyone else but me.  I was done praying.

Prior to active addiction, I didnt so much believe in prayer. I had already written God off in my life.  However I met a wonderful friend who turned me on to meditation.  Its effects in my life were instant.  The calmness that the focus of learning different forms of meditation brought to my mind helped ease the chaos in my life.   After time I learned to direct my thoughts within my meditations to create situations and opportunities in my life that were beneficial to me and my family.  The power of mediation began effecting job opportunities, relationship connections and so many other things.  My general well being increased substantially.  I didn't understand then how it worked I just knew it did and I was riding the success train into the clouds.

Then I stopped meditating.  I stopped connecting.  I slowly began to descend from the clouds until i crashed violently into the ground and into active addiction.   I lost contact with a power greater then myself that at the time I didnt even realize I had established a relationship with.  My anger at God for allowing me to be abused as a child prevented me then from praying or asking for guidance, but meditation took me there without even my awareness.  My life got better because I was listening to the guidance of a higher power that I didn't even realize I was doing that.

Today coming into the 12 steps has blown the understanding and awareness wide open to what was going on in my life then and when I fell into active addiction.  Now that I am coming out of it I see how my prayers are whining complaints to God and my meditations were patient listening for guidance.   In my childhood I felt abandoned by God as did I in my addiction.  Thats why my prayers are attacks on my higher powers abilities and qualities.   I can see that clearly today only because of what the twelve steps have given me.

The 11 step is so fundamental for my understanding because now I see how to ask properly and wait patiently for the guidance.  I am able to marry prayer and mediation to create an incredible viable, tangible relationship with my higher power.  Some days I almost feel a physical presence of my higher self sitting with me as I pray and listen.  I never feel alone any more because the awareness of that energy is always with me. The more I sit in silence with myself the more I am communicating with an energy that is for MY highest good.

I have been called flaky, hoakey and just down right weird in my life because of my spiritual beliefs and practices.  However this program has taught me how to have a healthy relationship with myself and no longer do those comments stop me from being who I am.  Its uncomfortable learning to stand in my own truth, but the more I do it the more excited I become about learning what else is locked away within me.  I could not be more in love with this program then I am right now.... lol  I just came out of mediation, can you tell??

I hope that you all find your way to your higher Power and are able to receive the wonderful gifts that they are eager to bestow on you.  My love goes out to you.

I AM my own higher Power.

 Todays Topic.... How to build a relationship with your Higher Power


 Each and every step is a step in the direction towards the inner God of your own being.   I can say that now and understand it only after working an entire set of steps.   Talk about this while I was on step three and you would have been faced with a much different view from my lips...  My god is an asshole and I want nothing to do with him.   Maybe all my relapses around step four were not just solely the result of fear of that step, but maybe that I was entirely unready to believe there was a god in my life that could save me from myself.

I have come to understand that trust runs so much deeper then just around the physical relationships in my life.   Trust with myself and trust of the god of my understanding.... Which is a goddess btw, was a hard trust to begin to accept.   My trust did not begin to develop until step 11.  Although I begrudgingly became willing at step three... The third time around at least.   Peeling back the layers in the steps between is what help me build my trust in a higher power as well as myself.

I have always been the instant snap your fingers kinda a girl, if what I wanted didn't come to my the moment I thought it, it wasn't worth my time.   How ridiculous I can see this train of thought was now.  As my relationship with my higher power grows I could not imagine my life without the connection to spirit I feel every day.   I do not think I could get through a day without feeling my heart grow big in my chest and my spirit whisper inner knowings to me.   I know that may sound strange and hockey to some, but until you experience it I cannot explain it any better.

I was at a woman's group last night and I was asked to explain what meditation was for me and I found myself passionately speaking about meditation taking me to a place within myself that was more ecstatic then the best orgasm or the highest high I ever had in addiction.   It was only in that moment that I realized the power of the twelve steps.   They give you a greater feeling and better thoughts then you ever had in addiction.   Now that I have achieved this state outside of dope and can call it up at will, why would I ever want to use again??

An inner power resides within each of us, it just takes patience, persistence and courage to tap in and to work with it in all of our affairs.  I encourage you to go within and find yours, be the change you want to see.

When Recovery is Your Priority

"......The good times can also be a trap; the danger is that we may forget that our first priority is to stay clean." Basic text, pg.43........

Hello my name is Brandy and I am a recovering addict.

I can relate deeply to this meditation today. I don't have years clean but I have become complacent in my program a few times, born out of my need to rebel and do things my own way. I always seem to want to integrate back into society before I am ready with a mindset that I will not become like the NA lifers and be attending 3 plus meetings a week in five years. I realize now that this is a dangerous attitude to have because it separates me from the addicts living a program. It tries to re connect me with the normies, as some addicts call them, outside the rooms. This thinking clouds the fact that I am an addict... Always have been and guess what, always will be. When I try to identify and relate with someone who is not an addict I get confused, frustrated and lonely.... Which leads me back to the same place as it always does. Isolation and using.

It seems each time I get comfortable with being clean I forget how much other addicts have done to help me feel loved and accepted and I have got to go try this out in the real world. After a few attempts I now have a solid conclusion that I like the feeling of belonging and feel good about extending that feeling to a newcomer coming in that desperately needs to feel that way as well. This attitude will keep me in the rooms and hopefully clean for a much longer time.

Getting into a relationship for me was that too good to ever fall feeling that took me back out. The reading warns of the good feelings being a trap and i must admit i have ranted about this to anyone who will listen. i don't use when I am miserable, I use when i think i have regained control. When I fell in love with a man in the rooms, I truly felt invincible with my 'soulmate' by my side. It took a few months before dope made it's way back into my veins, subtle and slow was the slip from grace. When I woke up four months later in a new town really far from home, I realized I was not above the program and my rebellious nature would end up killing me if I didn't surrender it.

Of course the surrender process takes some time for me as well and I took a few more headers before I finally began working this program in all my affairs. I work very hard at keeping my head in the grey area, not too high and happy and not to low and miserable. Keeping an even balance and being steadfast to my recovery. That has taken me through some of the toughest challenges that my life has seen to date, and has rewarded me with the longest clean time I have ever had.

Step ten, eleven and twelve worked on a daily basis has saved my life. I keep a priority spot for giving back when life is good for me and reaching out when it isn't. I realize today that I will alway need the fellowship of this program no matter how much clean time I have under my hat, because I am not built like the normies of the world.... I am an addict, and it is only through the acceptance of other addicts that I can truly begin to love and accept myself... As I am, as the goddess created me.

So....'Just for today: I am grateful for the good times, but I've not forgotten from where I've come. Today, my first priority is staying clean and growing in my recovery.'.....

Thank you for letting me share, I am a grateful recovering addict named, Brandy.

Honor your feelings not your dope.

.....'When we refuse to accept the reality of today, we are denying faith in our higher power. This can only bring us more suffering'........ IP No 8. Just for Today

Feelings are something i am just learning to allow into my life now. Since getting clean i have used food, sex and romantic relationships to cover my feelings of the moment. Recently i have experienced a job loss and today as i write this i am unemployed with no support income of any sort lined up yet.

Can you say freaked out?

That was in my past though because right now I am not freaked out. I am somewhat enjoying the process of letting the feelings come up, because my step 11 is so powerful in my life today that i know as soon as i enter my meditative state all current feelings melt into serenity. I can almost understand the larger picture of the situation I am in and that softens any feelings i have of the situation.

This of course is not before i tried to stuff my fear with food and found i couldnt go there anymore now that i was aware of my pattern in this area. Next thing i experienced is a call from my ex boyfriend, a man i have been ignoring his attempts at contact via email.   I caved the dAy i lost my job. It didnt take long during the phone call to realize i again was just trying to get out of my feelings and current situation. So i sent him on his way in love and i went back to my feelings and my unstable situation.

This program has taught me how to trust myself to take care of my own life through the guidance of my higher power. I may be unemployed and single, but i am in touch with who i am and i am clean on all levels. Because of this i trust fully that the perfect job is being lined up for me now and the pefect man will come along when i am ready. And of course by perfect i meAn equal assets and defects.

So just for today i will demonstrate my trust in god by experiencing this day just as it is.

Thank you for letting me share, i am a recovering addict named brAndy.

Self love is the only path to God

......'The last thing we expected was an awakening of the spirit.'.... Basic text, p.49

I agree fully with thAt statement. When i landed in the rooms i was so done with trying to find and please god. In my mind i was fully neglected by all spirituAl forces so there for i would devote my attention to the dark forces of the world.

I had spent many years prior to getting lost in loaded land actively seeking my higher power. I tried all the new age progrAms from deepak, louise hay, wAyne dyer, any one who claimed i could find my higher power. With each program i failed at the deeper my belief went that even god could not love me.

Then i found the 12 steps.

It was through getting to know myself and learning to be gentle with myself and finally learning the very tough lesson of loving myself that i have found my higher power. I am so grateful to this progrAm. It was a brutally uncomfortAble process but one for which i have found freedom from my own self defeating patterns.

 Recenting i have found myself out of mu job, for which i cAn now respect the lArger picture of the situation because of step one. Step 2 and 3, brought me to communicTion with my higher power so i didnt let fear over take mE. Step four helped me to see who i am and what direction i want to go now. Step 11 has kept me calm And open to spirits guidAnce.

This program has given me new tools to cope with life and that tool is self love and a connection to an energy way larger then myself.

So just for today i will awaken my sleepy spirit, i will use the twelve steps.

Thank you for letting me share in my new crude fashion. I apologize for the spelling mistakes. I am a recovering addict named brandy.

Where do You draw POWER from??

... 'We had convinced ourselves that we could make it alone and proceeded to live life on that basis.  The results were disastrous and, in the end, each of us had to admit that self-sufficiency was a lie'.

I fully believe that as humans we are not meant to live a solitary life, we live in communities for a reason.  As addicts we isolate from lack of desire to live and work with others in our community.  For me it was because I was tired of being hurt by people, drugs numbed me and kept me safe from others.  Coming into recovery I struggle with opening up and let others in again.

When I stand in the circle at the end of the meeting I feel like that physical circle is a human shield my fellow addicts and I create against the darkness of drugs and that world that threatens to kill me.  When I am at a meeting I feel like I am in a safe zone.  There is a power in those rooms that keeps the demon in my head quiet while I am there.  I cannot quiet that overwhelming urge to get loaded on my own... I tried, numerous times.

Step 11 is what began to keep me safe outside the rooms.  Steps 2 and 3 helped me to begin to develop the concept of that power greater then myself, however it wasn't until step 11 that I began to really to sit and invite that power into my body.  As I practiced different meditations techniques I began to feel a white light surrounding me.  This became the human shield that the meetings created for me.  I call it running my energy.  I draw down power from the heavens and suck up grounding from the center of the earth.  This keeps me balanced and feeling safe.  Sometimes I even visualize a shield around myself when I am feeling really raw and want no one to hurt me.  This is the power that I cannot muster on my own.

Power greater then myself is not God, it's truly just electrical power that I plug into like a TV cord.  Strangely enough the more often I connect in this way, the more I seem to understand things about Divine Love and the more I want to live in harmony with the people in my community.

So Just for Today I will seek the support of other recovering addicts; harmony with others in my community;and the care of my Higher Power.  I cant, but we can.

Thank you for letting me share, I am a recovering addict named Arial.

Do YOUR Feelings Control You?

.....'For us, recovery is more then just pleasure'.

For a very long time that 'us' didn't apply to me.  As soon as the 'high' of being clean wore off I got loaded.  'The first year of recovery is a gift after that you have to work at it'.  I still haven't made it to the year, but I must admit that I have lacked in the 'working' it part.  Feelings are for sure my demise each and every time.

I have spent my whole life running from my feelings and going to extreme limits to maintain that happy.  As the reading says picking the pill of the day to dictate the mood balance I need.  When I walked out on my kids, the little happy 'E' pill became my constant.  Every time I stop using dope, food steps in to alleviate any indication of sadness on the horizon   If I am the slightest bit lonely or feel a little empty, well there is always a man willing to crawl into my bed and fill that right up.  My whole life has been spent finding new ways to get out of my feelings.

Today at four months clean from all ways of killing my feelings I find I am a confused ball of emotions and I desperately try to label the reason for the feeling and feel that logic will settle it.  I am always disappointed.   After this past relapse the understanding that feelings have been the cause of all my relapses I promised myself not to make any big life changes, not to get into any romantic relationship and to just ride my feelings out... without judgment.  It has been hard, but I have got to tell you... it's is extremely amusing to see how fast they will change in a course of minutes.  To detach and observe my feelings is the most hilarious thing.  One moment I will be crying watching a movie to laughing for no reason... sometimes I think I am pregnant.(not possible)  I identify with feeling tired all day to not feeling tired at all at bedtime..like wtf?

I have come to understand feelings are like thoughts.. we don't need to act on them.  I am not my thoughts, and I am not my feelings.  Both of those things can be triggered by the most mundane things that I can not hold responsibility for lest I drive myself insane.  And I have!! I have almost married a man against logic because I had a passing feeling of lust that lasted almost two years!!  Feelings are a passing energy that washes over the body like rain from the sky, we have little more control over our feelings then we do that rain.  Learning not to act on them is the only thing we have control over.

God grant me serenity..... we say it at ever single meeting.  Then we take back the line the moment a feeling hits us.  It's our choice to keep that balance.  We don't have to wait till we are six years clean to find serenity.  We can have it now by letting our feelings move through us, not stick like a popcorn curnal in our teeth.  Meditation and the 11th step help tremendously with this.... I love step 11, can you tell, I reference it every single post.  lol

So Just for Today I will accept my feelings, whatever they may be, just as they are.  I will practice the program and learn to live with my feelings.    (I will not get married on a feeling, I will not get loaded on a feeling, I will not gain five hundred pounds because of a feeling!!)

Thank you for letting me share.