This is where we part my Friend.

I want to be bad.  I want to get into trouble, stir up some shit.

I have been in a constant turn it over mentality for the past few days.  I have had thoughts of using but have given them up to my higher self in the moment.  I have overcome tremendous urges to contact the bad boy to dive head deep into some kinky sexscapades.  I have unfortunately been succumbing to food binges leaving me with the yuck hangover the next day.

Whats going on with me?  Why all the self sabotaging actions?  I firmly believe if we are not moving ahead we get stuck in our shit.  Thats where I feel I am spinning my wheels right now, in my own manure pile.  But why?

A few friends I have spoken to lately have been experiencing the same thing.  Feeling stuck, feeling that they need something more.  I also believe in universal shifts and I think that is something we are facing right now.  Fear is what keeps me wanting to rush backwards into what I already know.  Fear of the unknown, blinded by the light of my future I always fall back into the comforting dimness of my past.  I am seeing this all around me lately.

So many friends, coworkers and acquaintances are indulging in there energy sucking addictions and hangups.  Many of them aware and struggling, many more however completely ignorant to their patterns.  I relate to the ones struggling and feel angry at the ones still blissful.  I wish I too was able to just sit here and not make the uncomfortable move outside my little bubble.

Growth in life not just recovery is about always moving forward. When we are not working on recovery we are working on relapse.  Recovery is about walking into the unknown ever single day of your life.  It is so easy to get comfortable in the safety of what we know which was recently something new, that we stop moving ahead.  Before we know it years have passed, complacency has snuck in and we are buried in our own shit again.

Thats where I am at now.  I know I have to take another step forward but I don't know where it will take me and that fear is paralyzing me.  Overeating pulls me back into depression.  Depression is my way to hide from life.  I can see the patterns even though my mind is not trapped there yet.  I need to make the small choices today to steer myself away from depression before I am buried again.  Hard to make those choices now though when I am still enjoying my sugar indulgences.  Ignorance is not bliss, but I am still getting something out of this form of using.  Playing the tape till then end shows me that this enjoyment is running its course and soon I will be hiding from the world in my room as my existence diminishes.

Bringing it back to the larger picture.  If I am seeing this reflected all around me as well, this is a universal shift we are all making at this  moment.  As my world grows in recovery and I move away from my self absorbed perceptions I can begin to see the connection between all things.  The planet changes and grows, ebbs and flows right along side of our little human lives.  There is a shift occurring that is effecting us all right now.  This shift is moving us forward and for those of us ready to move forward we will and for those of us not, we will relapse.

I don't believe that if you relapse however that you have chosen to not move forward entirely, but that you needed to clear away some old patterns before shifting.  That was my escapade with bad boy number two recently.  A clearing away of old behaviours that no longer serve me.... thank goddess!   Food is obviously still serving a numbing out that I need in order to make the shift forward in my life.  However I need to work on this because depression is all consuming for me.

 I think the energy mother earth is providing us right now is  giving us a boost in the right direction or a shove backwards.  Maybe my recent annoyance with those people that are choosing to go back out is that I am now being separated from them.  We travel along our paths alone and meet up with people along the way that we like so much we wish they would travel along with us for a time.  When they choose a different path I think it hurts me.  I have experienced several people leaving my path recently and my heart hurts.

Ahhhhhh.......... and it only took how many paragraphs to get to the core of my wanting to be the bad girl.

  The bad boy chose a different path, so did a few friends that I miss dearly but was not willing to admit.

  Its hard for me to let go of people I like and have much in common with.  Its hard for me to open up to someone like a flower to the sun only to have the rain come and wash away that brilliance.  Realizing that when the sun comes out again my friend has walked a new path away from me.

I speak in metaphors because its easier for me to express my feelings that way, people understand or just think I am crazy, but they get something out of it.  This universal energy shift has once again moved people out of my life that no longer serve my highest good, which is a good thing, yet has left me feeling lonely and afraid of the other people that might be moved out of my life as well.  Nobody stays in your life forever.... nobody.

How does one learn to let go?  How does one learn to keep their hearts open when they know sooner or later a friend will be removed from them?  That my friends is my true struggle here and the one I have been beaten by my whole life.  How do I let go?  Is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?  And please understand I am not speaking of boy/girl love here, I am speaking of friendships, family and lovers.

I am sad that I am walking away from some people that I have loved and some of those people are walking away from me.  Nature insists upon this as we all walk our own paths so no hard feelings in me, just sadness.  Damn it takes me a long fucking time to figure out a simple feeling!!  I am sad and dont want to move forward without these people so I am gonna go back and pull them kicking a screaming along with me like a cave man drags his wife!!  Tarzan was hot, I would be his wife.

Okay Okay I am done.  Till next time.

..........Dont walk away from me!

How is the Disease of Addiction Manifesting itself in my Life Today??

How has the disease of addiction been manifesting itself in my life today??  This is one of the first questions in Step One.   The first time working the Step I was put off by this question.  How else would it be working, I couldn't quit dope... duh.  What a stupid question I thought.  Now upon the third time answering it I see how brilliantly layered the Steps are.  No matter how many times you work them you get something new out of them each time.

I vowed loudly in my excitement upon finishing the entire set of steps the first time that I would never do them again!  Once was enough.  .... And more will be revealed....., was apparently lost on me then.

So how is my addiction manifesting itself in my life today??  First defining what addiction is for me is key to understanding if I am in its grips or not.  Addiction is when my thoughts become obsessive and my actions compulsive to those obsessive thoughts.

My brain is such a tricky place to manoeuvre.  The past couple months have put some serious pressure on my program. At first I allowed myself the grace of a new job and big changes in my life, but that grace quickly turned to complacency.  With that came my Lower Self the lovely Lady Vixen,  as my beautiful Higher Power got pushed to the side forced to watch my decent back into a suffering mind.

Upon working the first three steps yesterday I have learned a great deal about the way my mind works and how this disease effects me personally.  I had been working the steps previously but got caught up in step four as seems to be the pattern for  me each time I work the steps.  I had started them originally, specifically for a guy I was struggling to let go of. I restarted them yesterday and broadened them to all romantic relationships, because it turns  out I cannot be without one for long in my life.

Now its not  the romantic relationship that's the problem for me, or the guy involved in it, these are new understandings.  Its the obsessive thoughts about that person that are the problem.  My disease cannot just go with the flow in this area and allow something to just progress naturally in whatever direction it is meant to go.  No my addict needs to control and manipulate it to fit into a safe little box that I have full control over at every little moment.  The obsession is all invasive in my mind, reaching out like deadly climbing vines towards the object, penetrating every area of their  lives.  The insatiable need to know exactly what, where and with whom they are sucks the life force out of my own life

This is where the compulsion steers me off track of my life.   I begin  to make decisions based on this obsession.  I slowly begin to cut out things that will interfere with my thoughts, the time away from my thoughts  as well as opposing opinions to my thoughts.  I begin to slowly move away from my goals redirecting myself towards the object of my obsession.  I start to lose the sense of myself and assume a sense of them.  Its a horribly scary process that  I have endured one too many times in my life.

Why did I open the door in the first place if I new this was a pattern??  Complacency told me that I could just play and not let it go beyond that.  Complacency told me that I could just be friends... something I desperately want to learn to be with the opposite sex.  Lady Vixen told me it would all work out well, she painted a beautiful fantasy that was just to enticing to ignore.

I caught myself before I lost complete dignity and entirely stepped out of my integrity.

I made a decision last night to turn it back over to my higher self and to cut off my lower selves obsession.  I have to take that first step and then my Higher Power will take the next one for me.  So I stepped up and asked the object of obsession to step away from me. I did it quickly before I changed  my mind.   Luckily I picked a better obsession today and it was an easy graceful situation with no confrontation.  For that I am entirely grateful.

Working the first three steps shed some brilliant light on my patterns which I was already aware of but thought I had already overcome.... turns out I have not.  I redefined my higher power and  recommitted myself to standing in my truth and integrity again.  I do not have enough time or energy right now for anything remotely romantic, sexual or even friendly with a male.  My focus needs to be upon my career and raising my beautiful daughter.  That is all I have energy for in my life after recovery.

My reservation is that I will dry up and become an old bitter lady.  I was shown in meditation last night that I will find love again one day.  After my career and my daughter are fully stable and have a strong foundation.... that takes time and work.  So for the first time in .... ever, I truly feel the obsession to be with a guy lifting and my heart coming alive again to all the possibilities my life has in store for me.  I tend to forget hooking up with a guy is the definition of insanity for me..... been there done that..... but living single and exploring new things on my own.... now thats trying something so different!!

Where do you put your Energy?

How much energy do we put into things, places, people and situations?

   I am becoming acutely aware of how much energy it takes to start a new job.  Especially one that is physically demanding as well as draining to the ol' mind.   Seems fitting that today's reading is about where we put our energy.

In addiction I was all consumed by my drug of the moment.  I could care less about work, family or relationships.  I just wanted to get loaded and that was it.  Looking back now I can see how emotionally exhausting it was to live in obsession to that degree.  How much energy it took for me to maintain that level of unhealthiness.  But it didn't matter to me because thats all I could focus on.  Thats what obsession is... clears all balance out of your life in exchange for that one fix.

I thought that the focus of my obsession was what gave me energy and for me to survive I needed more of it.  Now I can see clearly how wrong that assumption was.  I get my energy from my higher power, from my own inner light, from the source that powers me.  I tap that energy through prayer and meditation.  I recharge when I sit in quiet with myself and listen to my own deep breaths and feel my own heart beat.  I connect with the divine energy of all when I do this practice daily.... some times several times a day.

Starting this new job and integrating back into society has woken me up to a few things about energy.  I am freaking bagged!!  It takes a lot of work to push my physical body to keep up with my daily expectations at work after being out of work for three months and prior to that working a job that afforded me lots of down time.  I have gained thirty pounds in two years from my lack of physical movement but I am certain this job will drop them by the end of the week!!  It feels amazing to be moving my body again and doing the work that I have always done and loved, but I am feeling the pain.  My body is done at the end of my day.

What surprised me however was not the energy it takes to move my body after years of inertia, its the amount of energy it takes to re awaken my brain.   Learning new things, pulling things from my memory long ago buried and needing to be focussed in one avenue for over 8 hours is truly energy sapping.  I forgot how much the brain is a muscle like any other in your body and if it is not worked out regularly it gets slack too.  This job is pulling and pushing the muscle in directions it has not been in years, some information being pulled is over ten years old!!  I love it.  It takes huge energy though and a different type of energy then obsessive focus takes.  I can't really explain the difference for I lack full understanding of it myself.

At one point during the afternoon yesterday my brain actually shut off.  I was just blank, zombified for a good hour.  I couldn't pull any information and was just fried, doing menial tasks till I got back online.  It was crazy.  I overloaded the circuits, had no more energy to run it.  I had to refill.  It was kinda scary for me and reminded me to slow down and pace myself lest I burn out entirely.  Spreading myself too thing is a very real danger.

  No wonder when i was in active addiction I could not focus on anything other then my addiction... it took all my energy.

Finding balance now is the key for me.  I can see how easy it is to fall into the workaholic trap.  I have been coming home every night and taking long luxurious baths and following that up with a girly self care pampering routine.  I am spending time with my daughter cuddling making sure I keep my priority straight where she is concerned.  And now I am getting back to writing here, keeping my recovery alive and well.  I focus on my home group meeting each week and let the others slide.  Energy management.  When my emotions flare like they are today I pull out my step working guide and get writing.  Keeping myself healthy is the key to balance.

I can see how keeping all the plates spinning at once is a learned art and one for which should be taken slowly.  Recovery, Parenting, Work.   That is all I have the energy for this week.  Maybe next week or the week after I can add back in family relationships and my friendships.  That should keep me at full energy for the summer at least.  Life in recovery is the most amazing gift I have ever received   Learning how to live has been the coolest journey I have been on yet.  I will keep on trudging the happy road to my destiny!!

Where do you put your energy?

New Directions lead to new Passions

My analytical mind is always in over drive and today is no exception.  As I read the daily meditation for this day I was again greeted with subtle annoyance.  It seems that the authors picked a topic for the week or even month and exhausted every possible avenue of understanding around that concept.  I can respect the reasoning behind this as it helps people truly grasp the meaning by presenting it in different ways.  However I feel like I am writing the same thing over and over again.

Two things I can take from this.  My perception is limited to my own understanding and there for I can only write from that perspective.  A challenge would be to think out side of the box and think of a new way to present the same findings within my life as they have done with presenting the concepts in new ways.  Or I can take that for the entire book there really is only 10 to 12 different teachings presented in a multitude of ways and within 6 months of working with this daily meditation I will be clawing my eye's out of their sockets.

Maybe its time to revisit my plan of sticking with this daily meditation book.  As I grow I am quickly changing into the person I was pre addiction yet feel even better about who I am becoming.   The anonymous program has given me a new life and for that I am entirely grateful for.  I see how many.... many programs I have worked in my past all had that same ability I just wasn't ready for them or they were not suited for me.  Much like the daily meditation, it takes many ways of saying something for a person to grasp the concept.   It took many different programs for me to finally grasp that I was not connected to my higher power and needed to deal with my shit.

I have successfully grasped the program of recovery and maybe now its time for me to begin writing for a larger audience.   The 30 hits I get each day thrills me beyond words, that has hit a plateau however and I am still seeking growth.   Keeping myself moving out of my comfort zone is key to keeping my mind healthy.... as exercise is for the health of the body.   Lately my writings here have left me feeling less then stellar about the content.  I am losing some passion for the topics for which I write.  That is not a good thing.   Maybe it is time to move in to my life passions and let go of my passion for recovery.

I will always attend my home group.  I will keep in contact with my support group everyday.  I will work the steps, traditions and eventually the concepts in my life every day.  I will continue to be available for service to the new comers and carry the message to the addict who still suffers.  Which all of the above stated will keep me clean and on the path to my highest good.  I will stay hooked in to my fellowship.  Community is Key in this new Aquarian age.

Following the path to my highest good is what shall be the focus from now on.  I have witnessed far to many people fall into the life long counselling trap, unable to move away from their painful pasts. Finding safety and comfort within the walls of their trusted counsellor.  Stagnation and depression taking over where excitement and hope once resided.   I was one of them for a very long time.  I have known  many people get so involved in a fellowship only to burn themselves out and lose passion for life, I was almost one of them.  I am learning by watching the people within my fellowship, support group and family on how to find balance between all area's of my life.

So now the hunt begins for a new meditation book to guide these topics and take us both in a new direction!!  How exciting!!  Send your thought vibes my way and over the next few days I will receive and process them!!  I love embarking on new paths on my life's journey.  Always wondering what treasures I will find along the way.

See you tomorrow.... who knows what the topic will be!!  Oh the sheer wildness of it all!!

When Recovery is Your Priority

"......The good times can also be a trap; the danger is that we may forget that our first priority is to stay clean." Basic text, pg.43........

Hello my name is Brandy and I am a recovering addict.

I can relate deeply to this meditation today. I don't have years clean but I have become complacent in my program a few times, born out of my need to rebel and do things my own way. I always seem to want to integrate back into society before I am ready with a mindset that I will not become like the NA lifers and be attending 3 plus meetings a week in five years. I realize now that this is a dangerous attitude to have because it separates me from the addicts living a program. It tries to re connect me with the normies, as some addicts call them, outside the rooms. This thinking clouds the fact that I am an addict... Always have been and guess what, always will be. When I try to identify and relate with someone who is not an addict I get confused, frustrated and lonely.... Which leads me back to the same place as it always does. Isolation and using.

It seems each time I get comfortable with being clean I forget how much other addicts have done to help me feel loved and accepted and I have got to go try this out in the real world. After a few attempts I now have a solid conclusion that I like the feeling of belonging and feel good about extending that feeling to a newcomer coming in that desperately needs to feel that way as well. This attitude will keep me in the rooms and hopefully clean for a much longer time.

Getting into a relationship for me was that too good to ever fall feeling that took me back out. The reading warns of the good feelings being a trap and i must admit i have ranted about this to anyone who will listen. i don't use when I am miserable, I use when i think i have regained control. When I fell in love with a man in the rooms, I truly felt invincible with my 'soulmate' by my side. It took a few months before dope made it's way back into my veins, subtle and slow was the slip from grace. When I woke up four months later in a new town really far from home, I realized I was not above the program and my rebellious nature would end up killing me if I didn't surrender it.

Of course the surrender process takes some time for me as well and I took a few more headers before I finally began working this program in all my affairs. I work very hard at keeping my head in the grey area, not too high and happy and not to low and miserable. Keeping an even balance and being steadfast to my recovery. That has taken me through some of the toughest challenges that my life has seen to date, and has rewarded me with the longest clean time I have ever had.

Step ten, eleven and twelve worked on a daily basis has saved my life. I keep a priority spot for giving back when life is good for me and reaching out when it isn't. I realize today that I will alway need the fellowship of this program no matter how much clean time I have under my hat, because I am not built like the normies of the world.... I am an addict, and it is only through the acceptance of other addicts that I can truly begin to love and accept myself... As I am, as the goddess created me.

So....'Just for today: I am grateful for the good times, but I've not forgotten from where I've come. Today, my first priority is staying clean and growing in my recovery.'.....

Thank you for letting me share, I am a grateful recovering addict named, Brandy.