This is where we part my Friend.

I want to be bad.  I want to get into trouble, stir up some shit.

I have been in a constant turn it over mentality for the past few days.  I have had thoughts of using but have given them up to my higher self in the moment.  I have overcome tremendous urges to contact the bad boy to dive head deep into some kinky sexscapades.  I have unfortunately been succumbing to food binges leaving me with the yuck hangover the next day.

Whats going on with me?  Why all the self sabotaging actions?  I firmly believe if we are not moving ahead we get stuck in our shit.  Thats where I feel I am spinning my wheels right now, in my own manure pile.  But why?

A few friends I have spoken to lately have been experiencing the same thing.  Feeling stuck, feeling that they need something more.  I also believe in universal shifts and I think that is something we are facing right now.  Fear is what keeps me wanting to rush backwards into what I already know.  Fear of the unknown, blinded by the light of my future I always fall back into the comforting dimness of my past.  I am seeing this all around me lately.

So many friends, coworkers and acquaintances are indulging in there energy sucking addictions and hangups.  Many of them aware and struggling, many more however completely ignorant to their patterns.  I relate to the ones struggling and feel angry at the ones still blissful.  I wish I too was able to just sit here and not make the uncomfortable move outside my little bubble.

Growth in life not just recovery is about always moving forward. When we are not working on recovery we are working on relapse.  Recovery is about walking into the unknown ever single day of your life.  It is so easy to get comfortable in the safety of what we know which was recently something new, that we stop moving ahead.  Before we know it years have passed, complacency has snuck in and we are buried in our own shit again.

Thats where I am at now.  I know I have to take another step forward but I don't know where it will take me and that fear is paralyzing me.  Overeating pulls me back into depression.  Depression is my way to hide from life.  I can see the patterns even though my mind is not trapped there yet.  I need to make the small choices today to steer myself away from depression before I am buried again.  Hard to make those choices now though when I am still enjoying my sugar indulgences.  Ignorance is not bliss, but I am still getting something out of this form of using.  Playing the tape till then end shows me that this enjoyment is running its course and soon I will be hiding from the world in my room as my existence diminishes.

Bringing it back to the larger picture.  If I am seeing this reflected all around me as well, this is a universal shift we are all making at this  moment.  As my world grows in recovery and I move away from my self absorbed perceptions I can begin to see the connection between all things.  The planet changes and grows, ebbs and flows right along side of our little human lives.  There is a shift occurring that is effecting us all right now.  This shift is moving us forward and for those of us ready to move forward we will and for those of us not, we will relapse.

I don't believe that if you relapse however that you have chosen to not move forward entirely, but that you needed to clear away some old patterns before shifting.  That was my escapade with bad boy number two recently.  A clearing away of old behaviours that no longer serve me.... thank goddess!   Food is obviously still serving a numbing out that I need in order to make the shift forward in my life.  However I need to work on this because depression is all consuming for me.

 I think the energy mother earth is providing us right now is  giving us a boost in the right direction or a shove backwards.  Maybe my recent annoyance with those people that are choosing to go back out is that I am now being separated from them.  We travel along our paths alone and meet up with people along the way that we like so much we wish they would travel along with us for a time.  When they choose a different path I think it hurts me.  I have experienced several people leaving my path recently and my heart hurts.

Ahhhhhh.......... and it only took how many paragraphs to get to the core of my wanting to be the bad girl.

  The bad boy chose a different path, so did a few friends that I miss dearly but was not willing to admit.

  Its hard for me to let go of people I like and have much in common with.  Its hard for me to open up to someone like a flower to the sun only to have the rain come and wash away that brilliance.  Realizing that when the sun comes out again my friend has walked a new path away from me.

I speak in metaphors because its easier for me to express my feelings that way, people understand or just think I am crazy, but they get something out of it.  This universal energy shift has once again moved people out of my life that no longer serve my highest good, which is a good thing, yet has left me feeling lonely and afraid of the other people that might be moved out of my life as well.  Nobody stays in your life forever.... nobody.

How does one learn to let go?  How does one learn to keep their hearts open when they know sooner or later a friend will be removed from them?  That my friends is my true struggle here and the one I have been beaten by my whole life.  How do I let go?  Is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?  And please understand I am not speaking of boy/girl love here, I am speaking of friendships, family and lovers.

I am sad that I am walking away from some people that I have loved and some of those people are walking away from me.  Nature insists upon this as we all walk our own paths so no hard feelings in me, just sadness.  Damn it takes me a long fucking time to figure out a simple feeling!!  I am sad and dont want to move forward without these people so I am gonna go back and pull them kicking a screaming along with me like a cave man drags his wife!!  Tarzan was hot, I would be his wife.

Okay Okay I am done.  Till next time.

..........Dont walk away from me!

Avoiding to Self Protection

Its been awhile, since I have been here.  There are a couple of reasons....

...... the last time I posted my computer crashed at the very end of what I thought was a fabulous post.  I lost everything! Which normally doesn't happen because this program saves as I go.  But for whatever reason all was lost and I just didn't have it in me to rewrite it all.   That is reason number one.

Reason number two is Avoidance.  As I was just opening the blogger window I was contemplating what to write about today, my first thought was tolerance as it is something I am learning on a daily basis lately.  However the real reason I have not been here is because I have been avoiding.

What I should process through here is if I am indeed avoiding and if I am, what exactly it is that I am avoiding.   So lets start there......

I have always known that I am a runner.  When things get tough  I hit the pavement at mach10, never looking back.  I have walked away from great jobs because I couldn't handle the situation.  I have lost friendships because of unresolved conflict.   Many Many broken hearts have ensued from my lack of facing issues within romantic relationships.  Ultimate avoidance at any cost has always been my coping strategy.

So why do I do this?  What am I so afraid of?    Am I just a big fat coward??

I live under the assumption that I am a lover not a fighter and choose peace over chaos.  Which to  some  extent I do stand by.  I will not  engage in a physical battle with anyone, it's not in my nature.  I will not let someone push me around or  talk down to me, I have a growing  respect for myself.  Do I always run from upholding that respect?  No, just recently I had a  sit down with my bosses for this exact reason.   So maybe I am learning to not run away all the time.

I can see now  from that last paragraph that I am in the process of learning not to avoid. That was a scary situation to sit down with my bosses and not just quit my job and run away like normal.  So growth is occurring.    Maybe what I am processing through right now then is learning what needs to settle on its own and what I need to take care of for myself, for myself.   Avoidance or stepping back till the air clears and calmer minds prevail?  Avoidance or silence and inner connection to understand my part in the situation?

I am learning that I cannot clean up other peoples shit.  I cannot hold the hand of another through their shit, I cannot lead another out of their shit either.   Assuming responsibility for other people has been my problem in the past and contributed to my need to bolt and avoid when things don't work out the way I want them too.

I can only be responsible for my part in things.  To avoid is  to ignore that.  I make amends when I have hurt someone or did something that goes against my own morals.  In this particular current situation in my life of a love triangulation strangulation, I made amends to the person I hurt.  Its not  my responsibility to force them to accept the amends.  And sadly in this case the amends were not accepted and the emotional energy on their part has escalated to physical attacks directed towards  me.  Where does avoiding end and self protection begin?

Cleaning up  ones side of the street is sometimes painful business.  Making amends for me goes deeper then  just words, its in my actions and continued path.  I have matched my actions to my words which has pushed me into a place of heart break and loss.  Not a bad thing as I brought it on myself from the beginning but to ignore the heartbreak is to ignore my real feelings and that is the bottling avoidance I have lived under my whole life.  So really am I avoiding the situation if I am taking action by not contacting and staying involved?  Outwardly it looks like no action is happening but inwardly I am fighting an incredible battle between my will and morals.

So if I am doing my part in this situation to correct my inner demons, how do I deal with the little physical demons that yank my hair out from the back of my head when I am not looking?  Jesus says to turn  the other cheek and let her slap both of them... you can say I did that.   However now I find myself not wanting to face that conflict again so choosing to stay insulated in the safety of my home and circle of friends.  It reminds  me of isolating and I  wonder if the fear will cause my world to shrink again until  I am back at the using game.   Rounding the finish line of my one year cake, I am too close to a major milestone to allow that to happen.   So a new level of unavoidance must be conquered I think.  I will attend my own beloved home group, feeling the fear of confrontation and doing it any ways.  I will continue on my own path of recovery and know that between me and my higher power I am walking in the light and doing the right thing.

Coming up against people that actively live and love their character defects is something I am going to have to learn to accept and tolerate along my journey... learning to have love and compassion for these people is the ultimate lesson I will learn...... once I get through avoidance.