Self Acceptance

Self acceptance.  ugh.  I had no idea the concept was gonna be this hard to digest.

This is where I am at in my recovery today, self acceptance.  What am I recovering?  My second sponsor would always ask me that question when I would use the term recovery.  It seems fitting today to remind myself of what I am recovering to be able to accept my full self.

I have peeled a new layer of my onion and what I used to be recovering is not so anymore.  Before I was recovering a drug free me.  I was reaching into the depth of my psyche to recover the whole of me that didn't use dope.  I did succeed on that venture.

.... For about 18 months then I got loaded again.  As I look deeper and ask myself again what is it I am recovering I come up with a different answer.

I am recovering my feelings.

I shut my feelings off a very long time ago.  I used many forms to suppress and manipulate how I felt. In my adult years I mastered and manufactured my feelings to fit my desires and the situations at hand.  I got so good at it that I completely and fully dissociated from all my feelings.

After a year of being clean it was getting harder to keep that disconnection from my feelings without

the use of drugs.  So here I am back in early drug recovery and getting more honest with my onion layers.  I am recovery the full use and natural expression of my feelings.

And it sux.

 So how does self acceptance fit into this?  I actually have no idea yet.  I didn't intend to include the what am I recovering part.  So I guess we are gonna find out together.

I am struggling hard with self acceptance.  I realized recently that I didn't fully accept I was an addict in the past four years of frequenting the meetings of narcotic anonymous.  I am from the mind set of what we label ourselves we become.  I also believe our speech affirms our labels and to say daily in public that 'I am an addict' actually perpetuated the problem for me.

Those beliefs keep landing me in drug relapse.

Its not that I have to gt rid of the beliefs entirely but what I do need to understand now is that before I can paint a new reality for myself I need to work through the challenge, the lesson first.  I am always quick to jump to the end of the road with out having walked the path.  I am the hare in the tortoise story, always rushing to be the first one across the finish line having learned nothing along the way.

To move away from my existence as an addict I first have to get real about the fact that I am an addict in the first place.  I cannot put drugs into my system without it ending very badly for myself and my life.  I have had three major relapses since coming into the N.A. fellowship, I think it is safe to say that I have done enough research to safely say I cannot use dope in any form and stop at just one.

I am officially accepting I am a drug addict.

And my heart is crushed.

To admit to myself that I have a serious personality defect like this or a disease cursing through my spirit, or the mind corrupted by addiction,  is to admit I am damaged.  I am broken.  My sadness these past few days has been all inclusive.  Tears flow constantly.

I am accepting I am an addict.  I am addicted to anything that will kill my feelings or manipulate them in a way that best suits me.  I am addicted to numbing out my spirit and comfortable living in a shell of a body.  For the past thirty years I have grown fond of a slow self induced death.  I am addicted to all things that will slowly suck the life force out of me.

There is an energy within me that wants me dead.  And this is why I am so sad today.  To accept that I am an addict is to accept that I have taken part in the slow killing of my own body.  I have a part in raping my soul.  I have a part in torturing my intuition, beating up my inner goddess.   To accept is to take responsibility for my part in my destructive behaviors inflicted on my own self.

Self acceptance is rough personal business.

Awareness is key.  I always tell myself this.  Following behind awareness is acceptance.  I see now that is the truly hardest step to take.  Becoming aware is sickening and sometimes to hard to chew and this is where I have chosen denial in the past.  But today I am working through the awareness into acceptance.

I have to now move into action.  I have not over eaten all week.  I have worked so fucking hard on my obsessive thoughts around sex and all thing romantically involved and the person I am obsessed with.  I have not used any drugs.  This has been my action.  This is the work that is solidifying the acceptance.  This is my way of showing myself that I am truly beginning to accept I am an addict and there by actually proving that I am not wrong in this awareness..... because its brutal fucking hard to change the way you have thought and behaved for thirty fucking years!!

But the rewards are instant.

The result of Awareness, acceptance and action.....OMG.  Feelings!!  And lots of the little buggers.  They are popping up everywhere.  Tears.  Giggles. Happy. Sad,  Angry.  Frustrated. Burning desire. Excitement. Disgust.  Guilt. Shame. Defeat.  Hope. Joy. Peace.  Serenity.   Man the list is endless.  And I cycle through them as quickly as I can write them.  To someone who has felt them their whole lives I wonder if I look a bit nuts right now, but to me who has never allowed them to flow... its kinda amazing and exciting, albeit scary and hard as fuck to just sit with them.  But I cannot even begin to describe the relief..... like finally getting to pee after holding your bladder until almost explosion.

So self acceptance i can now see is the first step in moving away from labeling myself an addict.  Because it is only through shedding light on the shadow can we then remove it entirely.  I am now a recovering addict.

I want to say that's the end of my self acceptance but its not.  Now I have to face one very strong lady Vixen who has put a block on all things Love and one really pissed off inner child.  One affliction at a time though.  I am gonna take the addict acceptance to my heart first and begin to move into a life where I don't feel the need to control my every waking emotion.

 Baby steps.... says the tortuous.

Emotions: Energy in Motion

Wow.  I have been in an incredible place of processing and learning these past few days.

But first I have to say... staying home from work the past six weeks has not only afforded me a very quickly expanding waist line but my nails are seriously long and I can barely type anymore.   I just hate when i actually have to cut my finger nails.  I was a terrible nail biter my whole life until about eight years ago and now I grow these fabulous nails.  They are a sense of pride for me to cut them is like gouging out a piece of my Ego.

Just saying.

Moving on.

........So I am really starting to feel the opening of my heart.  I am really starting to feel the expansiveness of my soul that was trapped behind my twenty foot walls.  I am seeing the effects in my life from having had the courage to keep the walls down after the explosion of July '014.   And the rewards have been out of my scope of reality amazing.

I think the largest realization for me is the ways in which I keep everyone locked out of my life including my own feelings.  I need to focus mostly on my feelings here because it has been through them that I have invited people in to my life again.  How hard I worked at keeping myself closed off and shut down, not even getting close to venturing out to let people in.  I was so blind to it that I didn't even know I wasn't letting people in.

Thats the definition of denial.... Don't Even kNOw I Am Lying.    (To myself)

I had no idea I even had walls up let alone how I kept those walls securely in place.  I think until you are cracked wide open, you cannot even know there is another way.  This is why I am an advocate of taking risk's and experiencing things.  Books and study cannot provide a cracking seed experience. Books and study only provide comfort to get through the opening experience.  I was tackling it all wrong before.

Giving forgiveness before I even touched the pain, did not work.

So what were the walls made of,   you so eagerly want to know??

Drugs.  Over eating.  Sexing.  Over working.  Staying ridiculously busy.  Getting absorbed in TV shows.  Pretty much anything that takes me out of my feelings and helps me to manipulate them is what I used to keep my walls up with.

I see how drugs were the most direct and effective way to not only kill my feelings but kill myself in the process.  I am discovering a whole new layer to the walls coming down.  And thats the way I would keep myself in pain.  I am learning that no matter what, pain will be expressed if it is there within you.  It is far to powerful of an emotion to just stay as a seed behind your walls.  So drugs killed my body physically and mentally retarded me.

Over eating puts me in immediate physical pain as well as provides a fat buffer between me and the world, thus creating physical walls.  Plus eating gets me out of overwhelming feelings in the moment.  And its so socially acceptable to plow through a huge piece of cake when we are emotional women.

Over working keeps me too busy to deal with anything.  My full attention is on creating something for someone else so I don't need to look at myself.  I push my body and mind to hard, creating stress which harms my nervous system causing colds and flu's, illness and cancer.  Again our society is very okay with getting a cold.  sympathy is eaten up and accepted easily when we have proven just how hard we work by taking ill.... oh poor woman look how hard she works and now she is sick.

Smoking used to be a way I smoke screened people out and effectively implemented a slow seeping death as rat poisons entered in through my lungs and were moved into my tissues and muscles rendering me tired and shortness of breath.  Again all these things i did not learn until I gave up these ways of hiding.

Sexing by far was the worst way for me to act out on my feelings.  I think I either suppressed my feelings or found a way to act out.  So eating and smoking suppressed.  Over working, being to busy and sexing were the way I acted out the pain.  Sexing put me in harms way of sexually transmitted disease and seriously hurt my soul and auric energy.  Letting people into your intimate space like that suggests a serious lack of boundaries.  I didn't care who came in because I was in pain and needed to express that.  The rougher the sex the better.  The dirtier the sex the better.  The more rules I broke with the sex the grander the hurt in the end would be.  And a world of hurt is what I was seeking.  Its what I deserved.

I was in pain and needed to express that.  Emotion is energy in motion.  Its gonna find a way to release itself even if you refuse to acknowledge it.

I only know this because I have been cracked wide open lately.  I don't want to be in pain anymore.  I don't want to hurt others around me anymore because of my toxic seeping of pain all over the place.  Second hand smoke, poor romantic partners that actually tried to love me, sorry boss for losing you contracts..... the list goes on and deep in the ways I have hurt people.  But more important the list is heavy with the way I self torture.

I am tired of hurting myself.  I have had enough hurt inflicted outside myself to be treating myself even worse then my abusers did.  Yo stop hurting myself I have had to work so fucking hard this last couple months to not build up the walls that crumbled in the explosion.  I still struggle hard with over eating, but I am working diligently on removing each brick I replace with this self harming tactic.

I set out to seek Love.  Stopping the torture is apparently the first step.  Who knew??

The Messy Business of Feelings: From Drug Suppression to River flow

Sometimes I wonder who I should be marketing these writings too.  I go with drug addicts because its my main affliction.  But is it really?  The more I look back at my writings the more I see a trend of a woman dealing with feelings and how to express those feelings in a healthy way.  Drugs where the way I suppressed them.

Having gone to a kick ass counselling appointment yesterday and a great two hour chat with a friend and then another two hour womens healing circle,  I am broken wide open once again.

Having understandings about my life and why I do the things I do has not only shocked me but has also helped me to know how to move forward and make different choices in my future.   Being entirely open with where I am at in the moment and sharing that openly with people is the largest lesson I am learning today.

I am always learning something more about self honesty.

I am always learning something more about my feelings and how they are playing out in my reality.

 In the summer I experienced extreme overwhelm with my job.  I knew I was tired.  I knew I was pushing myself really hard.  But I had no idea how to slow down and set boundaries for my own safety.

I ended up in a detox center and now with three months off work.

Through all the counselling yesterday I see now that I was not being honest with myself.  I was way over tired and I had no idea how to ask my boss for help.  I did speak to him on numerous occasions but was never clear on what it was that I was seeking.  I just knew that things weren't right with me.  I had no idea at that time I was heading for a serious drug relapse because my feelings were lacking a healthy outlet.

I have a feeling problem.

I don't know what feeling is cursing through my veins most days.  Learning the hard way has always been the way for me.  I am seeing a therapist for dissociate identity disorder.  I have this disorder because I shut my feelings off a very very long time ago.  I lived under manufactured feelings most of my life and when a real one snuck through my thick crust I reacted with a temper tantrum.

This is  new layer of self honesty for me.

To realize my whole life has been lived from an emotional place of monkey see monkey do is kinda stomach turning.  My one goal after leaving my ex husband was to find Love.  Real Love.  I knew what him and I had wasn't real.  I had no understanding that the journey I was about to embark on was going to show me that I had not felt ANY real feelings for  a very very long time.

How is that even possible?

Feelings are such a huge part of our bodies make up and defense system.  How is it that I was able to function and get along relatively normal in my world without tapping into my feelings for protection or creation?  Have I truly never had any feelings?  What about when my kids were born?  Did I not feel anything when I walked down the isle at my wedding?

Learning what is a true me feeling and what is a manufactured feeling because that is what I am suppose to feel is the dawning realizations that are knocking me out into left field.  Seeing where real feelings have been so quiet and subdued and usually effectively taken care of by another aspect of me is very scary.

Learning not only how I have suppressed the feelings has been quiet a process but now learning how to express the feelings and setting boundaries around them is a whole new path I am taking.

I have felt very open and raw in my heart lately.  Like my entire core and feeling center has been busted wide open.  All my walls have been broken down and I feel very raw and exposed.  My feelings are oozing out into my reality and as good as it feels its kinda messy as well.  Well messy for someone who has manufactured and controlled them her whole life...  messy meaning that I don't have control over them.

Although I am not having temper tantrums now that I am allowing them their time in the spotlight.  They are not having to erupt and cause chaos for me now that I am slowly letting the air out of my huge  balloon of raw life long unexpressed emotions.

My therapy appointment was riddled with talk over an emotion that took over the session and was scary as hell for me, can you tell??

I find it fascinating and equally exciting that I am learning this whole new aspect of myself.  Yet at the same time I am fully understanding of that fear of moving forward.  I have embarked on a lot of journeys in my days.  many new programs, career choices and talents developed but nothing even comes close to this inner journey of change that is causing these huge ripples in my rushing river and is changing the course of where I am going at such a rapid pace its damn near impossible not to feel fear.

To end my day last night I got to watch a video I was in for promotional purposes for my hypnotherapy teacher.  As I watched myself speak animatedly about his course my self critical nature turned from picking myself apart to a growing self love for where I am at today and who I am becoming.   So the fear is very present but the rewards are equally as great.  I am finding that Love I set out five years ago to find.

I guess to answer my original concern this blog I guess is just a place for me to express my emotions and thoughts about those emotions.  Everything I do lately has started out one way with an intention set by my mind but then has taken a different current somewhere along the way of my emotions.

 I think this is what they call letting go and letting your higher power direct the way.  I take the first step and then I let the control go.  So weird. So Uncomfortable.

A BaMbling RamBling.

My attention span is that of a newt again lately.  My emotions are this black hole into the abyss.  I am feeling totally not at ease with life.  Could it just be the Christmas season?  Could it be me walking through my own self imposed fears about moving back into what I know is comfortable, thus proving the one step forward and two back analogy?

I know that the holiday that over takes my culture is upon us.  Being sensitive to the energies around me I can feel the elevated happiness as well as the elevated stress levels.  I have not learned how to block this out yet.  I can't seem to hold my attention long enough to practice any of the techniques I know would ease my energy fluctuations.  Is that the part of me, the fear part of me that wants to take advantage of the situation and play sabotage?

You know, I have been listening to Alan Watts on youtube and he made it so simple for me that I think my life would become boring if I were to focus on his simplicity of life.  He made a statement about how us humans complicate everything with our own thoughts.  I agree that my over active imagination definitely does spin my logic upside down causing my Virgo analytical mind to implode on what can be a daily basis for me.  But where would I be without that trait?  Boring.

Living through pure instinct is what I desire in my world.  One of the things I heard much of in the rooms of NA was how the drug brought us to animalistic levels of existence.  Eating out of dumpsters to survive.  That level of desire to live is the intuitive nature that I seek.  I obviously do not want to have to eat out of dumpsters and thief my way to it though.  I would love for my mind to just slow down and let my instincts rule my world.

I have wonderful role models in my life that do live from this place of intuition.  A few of my friends even go against societal norms to follow some of their intuitions.   So I am blessed with a path being paved to a simpler easier way of life.  Why do I struggle to take it though.  Why do I desperately want to 'figure' things out?  What would I write about if I wasn't trying to understand everything?

I have way more questions in my current state of manifestation then I do answers.  Like should I go to work today or not?  My son is here visiting, whom I haven't spent time with in a long time, but I need to make a paycheck.  But they are calling for lots of snow right after Xmas.  All these decisions to make.  All these questions to answer.  My life would be so much simpler if I just got out of my head and into my heart.

Don't you think?

 Does it dizzy you to read my writing sometimes?  It dizzies me to go back and read it sometimes.  This one will for sure dizzy me.  I think I only wrote today to suggest you read yesterdays post.  I couldn't link it to facebook because the picture was cropped too suggestively and I can't figure out how to change that...yet.

I want this blog to be real.  I don't want a blog full of get out of your shitty feelings modalities.  I want to share that shitty feelings are normal and even healthy.  Sitting in them and creating illness in the body is not healthy, but accepting them as a part of who you are is healthy.  I have run from my shadow side for so long that it is almost painful to accept it as part of me.

Anyways.  I have no idea what this post was meant to accomplish.  Just a rambling for today I guess.  I am planning on writing up an new page at the top of this one, beside the who am I page.   About what addiction is.  In the future I plan to write one about Ascension as well.  I encourage you to check those pages out as well.

Peace Out my friends.  And Merry Christmas to those who practice that faith.  Happy solstice that just past to those who participate in that.  And Happy Hanukkah to those that play there.  And happy whatever you believe at this time of the year, or not believe....  Peace to All.

Sugar Junkie takes the First Step

What does the disease of addiction look like to me?

This is question one in Narcotics Anonymous Step working guide.  I find myself back at step one admitting my life is unmanageable again.... but in a whole new layer of my never ending onion peel.   I think further study and research into what addiction really is, is called for today.....

Merriam-Webster defines Addiction as 'a strong and harmful need to regularly have something or do something'.  They go on to add also, 'an unusually strong interest in something'.  Dictionary.com says it's 'the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or something that is psychologically or physically habit forming, to an extent it causes severe trauma'.  I love the Free Dictionary by Farlex the best....1. 'Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit forming substance', or 2. 'The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something'.

I think to define addiction for me it would be the third example.  Any compulsive or repetitive action that takes my focus off myself and my own feelings is an addiction for me.  Focus is the key word of my addiction here.  Because I am learning addictions can sometimes be seen as healthy, like going to the gym and eating well.  However I remember a phase of my life a few years back that I was spending crazy amounts of time at the gym and eating so ridiculously well that I isolated myself from my family.  That was an addiction that truly cost me my family and a few friends.  I was revered for my weight loss accomplishment.  Those people didn't see how far I took it, and I think thats how you know it's becoming a destructive addiction.

I think there is truth right there in that last sentence,  addiction can only be seen by the people closest to the person because it happens behind closed doors, behind closed minds.  I guess this is where denial comes in... Don't Even No I Am Lying.  Well I can assure you I am not in denial about my current manifestation of my addiction.  I am hooked on Sugar/Starch.  It's my new kryptonite.  If I can't smoke up, can't get laid well then fuck it.... I am gonna get fat is my current thought process.

I know.... I know...... I have cycled through these three things so many fucking times in this past year, I am utterly making myself sick dealing with it.....

But that is why I am writing out a step one on it finally.  To let it go and be done with it fully.  I have learned that I don't need to work an entire set of steps for an issue, just the first one and then my higher power takes the reins and works out the rest of the steps in due time for me.  Having worked an entire set I can identify clearly when a step is being presented to me and how to walk through it... sometimes I don't always walk through it though... but this is a discussion for another time.    ........I have talked alot about the fact food is and has always been the main addiction in my life(dope only taking its place during my health kick) but I have never really talked about how and why it effects my life so much.  Let me run to the Mac's store and get some hazelnut creamer for my coffee and then I can begin the process of unloading my ill's caused by sugar.

... do do da da...... do do........ )skipping to the store, enjoying the fresh dusting of snow(........la la do do....

Okay so I am back.  Decided on chocolate truffle creamer to go with my German chocolate coffee instead.  I have to laugh at my own pattern.  Whenever I know I am close to the end of an addictive practice I have to go full out with it, like I will never experience the goodness of it again.  When I entered Detox for drug addiction they gave me twenty four hours before I could come in... I think an angel watched over me those hours because the volume and variety of drugs I ingested blows my mind today.  Yesterday I bought two bags of Hershey chocolates... you know because they were on sale... and I poured almost an entire bag in my mouth before I got back to my work truck.   Disgusting.   and I am not talking those little bags folks, I am talking the ones for five bucks hanging close to the till for the addict impulse buyers.  Yup yesterday is when I realized that this is getting out of control again.

What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?  Describe.

Three questions in to step one.  I remember when I began to eat healthy how disgusted I was with how much time I spent on thinking about food.  How much freer I was when I didn't have to constantly be stressing about food.  I was lucking because I was on a program that did all the planning and even all the cooking for me, but the realization that afforded me was well worth the cost of the service.  I can see now I was obsessed with food then.  I am back there again and desperately want that freedom that followed.

My first thought in the morning is how disgusting I feel.  My second thought is to beat myself up about what I ate the day before and the third though follows instantly of what I am gonna have for breakfast seeing as I feel like shit anyways.  After breakfast I am thinking of my lunch and as soon as lunch is done my mind is on supper, which is usually take out because I am too exhausted at the end of my day from eating empty energy to cook.  My mind then spins into the extravagant thoughts of an addict and goes for the gold, with trips to the Keg and other restaurants out of my budget.  This is where compulsion throws logic out the window and I am nose deep back in my shit again.... and my life becomes unmanageable.

Look at my recent trip to the Keg for example.  It was my beautiful daughters 13 birthday.  All our family was working that evening and it was just her and I.  Her birthday party was scheduled for the next night where her friends came over and  going to the movies was planned.  My mind taking the path it did, convinced me that the Keg was a wonderful way to celebrate her birthday, and it was.  But it had a sacrifice.  I couldn't afford her movie night the next night.  Writing that makes me feel sick. Getting honest always moves emotions within me.... ugh.   I have already apologized to my daughter.  My selfish addiction seen an opportunity to experience the 'good stuff' without explanation, never once taking into full consideration that the next night was my daughters choice of birthday celebration.  She didn't care about the Keg, I did, she wanted a movie night.  I sacrificed her birthday wish for my addiction want.  That my friends is what addiction is..... fucks with your logic.

So how has this disease affected me, physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?   This is the question I have been trying to get to, because it is these answers that bring home just how unmanageable my life has become on all levels and playing feilds.  Its reading what I write here that blows the shark out of the water with the harpoon.

Physically.... ah let me count that ways.  When I went from 230lbs to 150bls I felt the difference so

dramatically in the way my body moved.  I was light and able to bounce up stairs with barely any effort.  I could play fight with my kids without hurting them or myself.  I could get in and out of my vehicle, bed and the bathtub with such ease.  Feeling light was the most wonderful experience I had ever had.  Because I was also working out at the gym I could feel my muscles in my body and it was such a rush to feel my body move and all the muscles flex and relax as I walked.  I had no aches and pains anymore, I was astonished at how much weight effected my health and became disgusted with how much obesity plays a part in killing our health care budgets.  I also had more energy, I could get through my day on a healthy 6 hours sleep.... oh and I slept so much better not groaning when I would change positions in the night... and stopped snoring too!  These are all the things I am losing now.  Energy has been the first to go... I am officially in a food coma.  All I wanna do is sleep and lay on my couch watching TV.  Me, watching TV all night!!  The Apocalypse has arrived!!  I cannot manage my life from this state of inertia.  To get nothing done other then work.... (so I can have money for more keg outings).  How disgusting and devastating addiction is.... in EVERY form it takes.

Mentally.... This ties into the obsessive thoughts.  Addiction I believe is a large part mental, it's the things we tell ourselves that spin us deeper into addiction.  It's the mental process that keeps us hooked in the unhealthy cycle of low self worth and low self acceptance.  I have been trying to allow my body the rest and keep my thoughts positive but as the disease of addiction continues to progress even my positive daily affirmations have lost their power.  My morning mediation is but a formality these days, not holding the positive mind power that they do on a normal basis.  My mental state is skating on thin ice and this is where an uninformed person seeks out the doctor for the meds to make it all better.  This is where I know the most work needs to be put in, in order to recover completely from this disease... and trust me I believe in FULL recovery.  You have to do the work though, and that is not an easy task.

Spiritually..... When I overeat... even by a bite I begin to close the connection to my spirit.  Overeating harms my body and my higher power doesn't stick around for any harm inflicted upon her.  She has zero tolerance for this.  I can still pray to the God of my understanding and connect spiritually to the universe to a certain degree, but more access is granted to me when I am in good with my own intuition and higher self.  This self harm through food has made it exceedingly difficult for me to tap that inner light and that inner love I feel when I am clear of all self harm and inner toxins.  I have tapped that place several times now and can truly feel the void or disconnect from my inner light, which ironically makes me wanna eat more and seek outside myself that filler which my disease says is sure to make it better.  Addiction takes me away from myself, my higher self... addiction is self punishment and again my higher power cannot be present for that.

Emotionally..... And this my friends is the bottom line.  Food takes me out of my feelings.  Dope takes me out of my feelings. Sex takes me out of my feelings.  Getting into a romantic relationship takes the focus off my life and there for out of my emotions and replaces them with the instant filler of lust emotions.  Work takes me out of my feelings because I am too busy to feel.  I am forever getting out of my feelings  My circulation has been terrible these past few weeks.  My hands fall asleep when I deep breath for twenty minutes in the morning and my hands are asleep when I wake up everyday.  Louise Hay's book, Heal your life' says that circulation represents the ability to feel and express the emotions in a positive way.  I believe that every.... and I mean Every single physical ailment we have is based in an emotional issue.  When things get physical for me I perk my ears up and listen to my emotions...... or in a perfect world thats what i strive to do.  Every addiction issue I have always comes full circle back to my stupid unexpressed feelings.

As the onion peels, I am learning that feelings are more then the momentary waves of obvious identifiable emotions.  I am learning they run much deeper like the feeling of stress.  Learning how to identify stress in my world and then learning how to deal with it is a huge feat of recovery... it's doing the work.  Learning how to express sorrow of the break up of my marriage is the second step to accepting that I even feel sorrow over something that I choose to create, thus moving past the guilt and shame of it.   Wrapping my brain around that fact that I can actually feel an out of context feeling and not have to pin that feeling on a person or situation to be able to express it... learning to express it myself in a healthy way are gigantic lessons for me.

This is where I am at in my recovery.  Still trying desperately to cover up my emerging emotions with all the coping tools of my past... and with little success.  I am being forced... truly forced to move on in my growth process and well as normal I am doing it with the grace of a strong willed 3 year old.... throwing a tantrum in the grocery store.

So now that I have written out the first part of step one for you I should take pen to paper and really dig a bit deeper in the privacy of my beautiful living room before the chaos of my girls getting up hits.  I thank you for being a part of my journey and recovery, learning to share myself with others has not been an easy task, this form of sharing has eased me into face to face sharing that has proven to be way more effective then my mind could have ever imagined.  I am so grateful to you for opening that door for me.  Thank You.

Will I walk through Samhains Door?

I have so much going on in my mind as usual...

Actually I don't even think its my mind, it's more my emotions.  I find this phase of my journey to be really hard to label and understand.  I think I have always processed my feelings through my head so when emotional issues hit I rationalize them, divert them and move on.  Today I am learning a new way and it's .... hard.

I know that I stuff my feelings with food and that knowledge has blown my ignorance out of the water.  I can no longer bliss out on food.  I used to Sex my way out of my feelings, such a powerful distraction to dealing with my shit.  I can no longer bliss out in the strangers bedroom.  When all that failed I moved to substances to kill the feelings that refused to be ignored or rationalized or diverted ... I cant do that anymore.

Today  I know that when I am doing those things feelings are bubbling to be dealt with.  I have been walking through these feelings the past month or so and trying hard to just sit in them.  I am eating chocolate and drinking coffee like they are both going out of style.  I am still running.

Why is it so hard to just let them come up to be dealt with?  What am I so afraid of??

I am living a good life today....... NO,   Great Life today, probably the best yet.   I am doing the work for my inner health, so why do I refuse to walk through this door?   Why do I refuse to walk into my feelings?

Rationally I know that nothing bad will come of this, that by walking through the door my life can only get 'even' better.  So why then will my rationalization which I am so fond of not appease me right now?

Am.... I actually afraid of it getting better?

Honestly?   Maybe that is it.  I have been asked before to imagine how good my life can get.  And my life got real good.   Then I asked myself how good can I handle it?  And I pushed for even more good and got it.  I was on top of the world.  My friends are probably sick of hearing this story.  But i wonder now if I am holding on to the story because I have some beliefs holding me back that were born out of that time in my life.

You see the story of my grande success a few years back, ended tragically for me.  I use theatrics to hide the pain of how devastating that period of my life was.  I had it all and the fall from that pedestal was a long one.
I am scared of ruining this good in my life today the same way I did then.  Every day thats good my fear grows.  With every intimate conversation I have with loved ones my fear grows.  With every bonus at work my fear grows.  Every time my girls amaze me..... my fear grows.

I am almost to the point of 'deathly afraid' of losing all this.  Losing it by my own hand.  No one takes this shit from me, no one pushes my off the pedestal.  No I jump myself tearing it all down with me.  I take the sledge hammer to my life and destroy it before anyone else can.  I am in full control of my own demise.

I can see my past as a cartoon right now as each time I rose up in success the goofy rubber sledge hammer comes out to bonk my B'jenga blocks to the ground.  It's almost ridiculous how clear my pattern is and how deep my fear is to move again in that direction.

So does ignorance work in the same way for the good as it does for the bad habits.  No longer able to bliss out on the bad habits and no longer gonna take the blowup sledge hammer to my good?

So if I am always preaching that first comes awareness, then acceptance and finally action... I guess I am in that brutally aware phase.  How do I accept this fear?  And what action do I take to move forward past it?  Through that super scary door that won't stop jumping up in my path??  The gloomy door of feelings?

Ugh... cycles.  The goddess card that i meditated upon today spoke of accepting our cycles and that there is always down cycles to match the good cycles.  This too shall pass she reassured.  I find it amusing as we are coming up on Samhain the witches new year, that I am becoming aware of a pretty deep pattern in my life.

I always destroy my shit because one I am afraid of success and two refuse to walk through my feelings. Soon the turn of the year will be upon us and so too is my life about to begin a new cycle.  I guess my choice is whether i want to cycle with these feeling avoiding tactics for another year or if I want to embark on a new journey into the emotional depths of my being.....

Ugh that thought seriously makes me wanna vomit.  Oddly enough I know its the path I need to choose.  I cannot do another year in this ignorance unblissed torture.

When Anger turns into Rage

**Repost**  

I can feel this anger beginning to seethe right below the surface of my exterior.  Like hot lava just waiting for its moment to erupt.  My analytical mind searches desperately for its root cause so that I may apply the years of training I have had on controlling my emotions.  Yet the searing burn of the emotion blinds my mind to any productive thought process.

 I have been on youtube looking up techniques for dimming anger and I am lead to pages upon pages of meditations and visualizations to help you release the anger.  I listen to talks by Guru's on how anger is a figment of your imagination and therefor not real.  I am faced with all the information that supports the idea that resentments only hurt the person holding them.

None of this is effective for me right now.  I have done the visualizations.  I deeply understand that holding anger is not good for me and is definitely not doing anything to the situation or person it is directed towards.

 Yet I am still seething and wonder why.

This morning in meditation I felt like my higher power was giving me permission to just feel it.  I think maybe that's my root problem is that I completely shut these feelings out knowing that they are not helpful to me.  I skip the steps of moving through the emotion in light of staying in my head and processing there.  I am beginning to learn that I cannot process an emotion in my head.

That thought scares me.

I remember the last time I allowed myself to feel anger, it exploded into rage and became way way larger then I was.

My ex husband had just moved me and my oldest and only daughter at the time to a small isolated northern town for his career.  Within three months of being there and also three months pregnant he wanted to break up.  He claimed he didn't love me anymore nor thought he ever had.  In that moment I was devastated.  Looking back there was pure truth to his words, I was just incapable of seeing it at the time.  I instead went into a rage that was out of my world.

I broke shit.  I yelled.  Then I begged and pleaded.  Then I coward and sunk into the pitty pot.  Then I bounced back out into an even deeper rage.  This went on for months.  I realized my rage was larger then me when after breaking nearly everything in my home I stood in front of the TV with a five pin bowling ball and wondered what the TV would do if I threw the ball at it.   That's when I got scared.

Since that day and up till that day I never ever allowed myself to feel pain in any form.  That rage was years of it erupting like lava.  Looking back today I can see clearly what was happening.  I was angry at being abandoned and left by yet another male in my family.  It was truly my dad the rage was directed at not my ex husband.  (Actually upon proofing this post I see that it was not even my dad I was angry at, it was just the emotion of pain over abandonment that was the cause.  I think learning to not point blame and own the emotion for what it really is.... just an emotion, like a thought that can be overdone.) Looking back now it was a prefect opportunity for us to part ways saving many wasted years....... but oh well can't dwell on that now.

So what is the anger that's beginning to surge through me now?  How do I move through this anger without a repeat of bowling ball to TV?  I love my TV.  Meditations are great, but is not approaching the situation or person better?  Are meditations in some cases just another way to not deal with the issues at hand.  I guess for childhood stuff there isn't anything other then meditations or journalling to deal with it.  What about the stuff that still goes on today?  That must fall under self care.

Going even deeper, how do I deal with something bugging me today but has a link to childhood stuff?  How do I keep the earlier rage out of the now stuff?   I feel like this seething is gonna erupt whether I am ready to deal with it or not, I might as well direct it as best as I can while I still can.  I cannot stuff it with food anymore it's just not working.

.........hmmmm.

Walking through my feelings has got to be the toughest part so far of recovery.  I have no idea what they are when they come up, and once I do identify them I have no idea what they mean or how to effectively handle them.  Its like I am meeting this whole new side of myself that truly has a mind and energy all of its own.  It's surprising and I feel a bit threatened by this side of me.  I have ran the show all these years from my head and now this newcomer waltzes in and thinks she has a better way of living from this thing called the heart?   wtf?

This is gonna be an interesting year for me, I can just feel it.

The 'M' Complex.

I love Mother Nature today.  All this rain in early October is not welcomed by my Boss who is trying to run a successful Landscaping business, but to me it is a much, much needed break.  Finally I have had a few days off to not only recharge these old bones but to also catch up on my house work, bill paying, grocery shopping and to even have time to relax with my girls.

I can understand the deep importance of having balance in all these area's now.  I never gave rest and relaxation other then 30 minutes of mediation daily much thought until recently.  There is something deeply therapeutic about being able to just rest not only your body but your mind for a few hours at a time.  I am always from the mind set if your not being productive then your not being.   We are human.... beings though, not human doings.   I am always the human doing and never just the human being.

Let me move quickly into the topic before I lose my nerve.  That first line sparked a topic that is much needed for discussion in my world.  A long over due discussion actually.

Mother.

I can almost hear the groan.  I don't even know where that guttural sound originates from.  My mom for the better part of my life was my best friend.  I called her for everything.  I moved her up to my northern town 9 hours from home because I could not stand to be without her.  However, somewhere along the way of addiction and recovery I have come to feel such deep intense feelings of pain, rage and contempt towards her.  These feelings confused me and now I think it is time I face those feelings so that I can move on.

How did I come up with that realization?  This is the area of life that I love most now that I am connecting with God/dess.  The signs I get, the lessons I am awarded for just being.  When I observe my life from a detached place I can see the signs that connect with one another and from those signs I get my message from Spirit.

My one year cake celebration meeting was this past weekend.  I entered into that meeting with fear and trepidation.  These past few months I have been shutting down and closing off, I couldn't really put my finger on why.  Until that meeting.  What I thought was fear over being the center of attention was actually the fear of facing my mother head on, the last link to the misery of my past.  The final puzzle piece to be placed in the picture of my pain and suffered childhood.

Letting go always an issue for me.  More comfortable in my self created Hell then the glorious light of the world.  My mother meeting my recovery was why I was sweating the celebration meeting.  My mother being included in my growing light is why I wanted to get loaded and throw it all away.  Having my mother bear witness to real love that is shared with me, love that she couldn't give me as a child and love that I now refuse from her was the reason I didn't want to invite her into my recovery.

I came to all these conclusions from what someone else shared about their own mother during that birthday celebration.  I could feel myself get hard inside and knew that I had some shit to face.  My mom doesn't read my blog, not because she doesn't want to, she does.  I told her honestly that my words might hurt her here and I truly don't want to hurt my mom.  However I am still hurting over a lot of things from my distant past and not so distant past, that need to be expressed.  This is where I process those feelings.  This is my safe place.

I cut my mom out of my life these past few months.  After the meeting I realized I wasn't afraid of being center of attention, I wasn't afraid of the intimacy.  I was truly afraid of my mother being there.  The fear I think though is double sided.  I don't want to see my mom hurt and I really did want to share that the women in the rooms of NA have loved me more fully and deeply then my own mother ever has.  I didn't want my mom to know that's how I feel.  I didn't want my mom to see how many people love me and want to see me get better because to me my mom is the food addict that created my inability to express my feelings.  I didn't want her to realize this and feel bad and slip deeper into her food coma.  I think it was equally as much of protecting her then it was not wanting to let her in.

I am seeing that this is the facing the past that is uncomfortable but sometimes necessary.  I have said to my close support group that there is gonna be a blow out between my mom and I.  I can feel the tensions building between her and I.  More my tensions projected upon her.

I have done some deep meditative healing with my sexual abuser from my childhood.  I have been graced a live phone call with my father where he apologized for all the shittiness of my childhood and his part in it.  That phone call was the most powerfully healing interaction I have ever had with another human being.  Three simple words said with true feeling... I am Sorry, by my dad, released a tidal wave of pent up childhood scars.

I have gained forgiveness with two of my three abusers from childhood, my mother is the last one.  I have seemed to leave the toughest till last.  Probably because I still have yet to accept that her neglect and lack of protection were forms of abuse and contributed the most to my pain and suffering.  And that these forms of abuse are still playing out between us on a subtle scale.  It's easy for me to over look them as she was a child herself and knew no better and still has not learned, but my logical mind is insufficient where my heart is concerned.

I am learning that a human being not doing, just lets spirit walk her through these things.  I did indeed proceed forward to the meeting with my mom, but not so much of a graceful walk as it was a slither in the shadows.  This last piece of my puzzle is a finally that closes that chapter of my book forever.  I know I have written about the ending of my book already happening, but that was before I realized this chapter is crucial to full healing.  I was trying to keep my book clean, happy and white lighted.  Unfortunately, life is not that pristine.  The sooner I accept that the faster I will recover from the addictions that keep me in a rose colored fantasy.

I guess I will sit back now and let spirit clear the air for me and stir up the dust once again.  I will get back in my little row boat and just relax with the waves of life and know that on the other side of fear is my dreams. I will tell myself that over and over again as I heave my breakfast, yesterdays supper and all my childhood emotions up over the side of the boat as each wave rocks my stomach clean.

 I am always heading towards the light even if the skies get gray.  Look at today as a perfect example.... because the skies are gray I get a day off.  Loving the Gray!!

Getting High on Feelings?

The thread of my posts for the next bit are surely to continue on with the element they have been seemingly assuming.....  feelings.

Such an intriguing concept to me now that I am opening to them.  A very large playground for my analytical mind to dive into and pick apart.  The reason why I am stating this now is to warn those people that don't wish to walk this journey with me.  For some people feelings are still a foreign understanding and for others a repulsive action.

I have observed recently how much our society feeds the feel good feelings and teaches us how to go out of our way to avoid the not so good feelings.  I am beginning to see how we are rewarded for our positivity and shunned for our balanced counterparts.   Staying overly busy is the norm in this western world we live in,  being busy leaves no time to feel our wide range of feelings.  Thus only affording us time for the feelings we choose to cultivate.

That sounds wonderful... choosing our feelings.  Except we can't always choose them, sometimes they choose us to communicate something to us.  Our feelings I think... still working on the understanding part... are not like our thoughts.  Our feelings are deeper.

I was reminded of our societies idiosyncrasies when a beautiful Spanish man shared at a meeting last week.  His accent captured my full attention but his expression of feelings reminded me of a dear Love of mine.  I call him Merlin.  He was the first man I dated after I left my ex.  He was Lebanese raised in Mexico and world traveled, he was in tune to his feelings also.  I sometimes long to live in a country that honors and nurtures our true full natures and not just the sunny shine self help in full control of your entire thought/feeling process one hundred percent of the time country for which I was sentenced this lifetime.

Alright I am done my rant...

I have come to understand that I am extremely uncomfortable sitting in my not so blissful feelings.  I have come to learn this by identifying my patterns in my life.  This is what Step four gifts us, a chance to see the patterns playing out in all areas of our lives.  Each time I have worked step four I am shown a different pattern that needs to be removed or changed.  It is the same concept as the new agers see as belief re patterning.  Our beliefs create our realities, step four shows us very detailed ways our beliefs keep us sick.

How have I been keeping myself sick?  By never allowing myself to feel anything negative.  Now for myself I must define what is negative and what is positive.  Because its not good or bad terms I am dealing with here.  I don't believe anything is bad in our realities, everything is balance.  To have a good feeling is to also at some point experience an opposite feeling.  This is also not referring to a bi-polar pendulum swing of good one day not so much the next.  In my youngest years to feel a feeling of anger or sadness or anything on the down side was not good.  I can hear the words ring in my head..'stop crying or I will give you something to cry about'.   So I have stopped crying about my life.

However that's not entirely true either I am beginning to see.  In order to give myself permission to feel my feelings I must be engaged in some kind of situation that is acceptable to my mind to express negative feelings.  Oh I see a deeper understanding developing here then the one I originally intended to write about.  How exciting,  this is why I blog folks!!  You see what I wanted to write about was the ways I get out of my negative feelings, but I am seeing that these same ways to get out of them are actually ways of getting into them.

Let me explain.

I live in a feel good mentality.  I am always starting something new to create passion and excitement in my world.  New job every six months to a year.  Once a job gets settled I feign boredom and begin seeking out New adventures.  My resume is fifteen pages, front and back!!  I am always starting up new friendships but when things get to touchy feely for me I back off for a couple years and reconnect when things will be fresh and new again.  I have long term friends but not incredibly deep friendships... just super patient friends.  lol

 And of course the way I love to get out of my feelings the most is through romance.  The excitement of finding a new guy to explore is over the top good feelings for me.  I love jumping from guy to guy giving each one six months to a year depending on how entertained they keep me.  Some last mere moments, others allow me to keep doing the break up and get back together exciting thing, which I love even more.  Lastly is the party time feel good.  Although I am not sure if its my age or the fact I have ruined every drug under then sun for myself, but there is never anymore feel good in that, I always fall into the new budding awareness of using to actually afford me an out for my feelings.

And this is the new dawning for me.  Each of these ways, maybe not work so much, but definitely using and romance and not so much friendships either.....  brings me to a flip side of the excitement which is pain.  I am beginning to see that I need these romances to turn ugly so that I can feel the pain that is bubbling under my surface needing an outlet.  I can see how I use in order to be able to find my whale song.   I can only express my pain in what I identify as a healthy outlet through broken romances and getting loaded.

 As I write this I am thinking.... Duh, your just realizing this now.... it does seem kinda logical and maybe normal people can identify this without having to do a Step four fifteen times.  I am far from normal.

So now that I have identified the issue how do I solve it.  I get not getting into another romantic relationship.  Its just hiding my feelings by focusing on the other person and the feel good stuff.  That has been a harsh reality for me and I am getting that lesson loud and clear.  However I am feeling a down feeling at work these days.  The excitement of working this job is wearing off and I am getting antsy.  Although now I see it a bit clearer and I am not truly getting bored, I am just beginning to open up to my boss and co-workers and letting people get to know me. All of me, the great makes no mistake employee and the one that fucks up coworker.... Yuck.  I am starting to have to walk through some feelings other then the feel good excited ones that a new job brings.   I am also feeling this same thing in a couple friendships of mine.  Moving past the bolting part, sitting in the never been here what are these feelings about??

I see that I am also feeling that in my fellowship of recovery as well.  Having thoughts of moving on and starting something new because I have learned all I need to and it's time to stir up my emotional excitement.  When in reality it's truly time for me to push through these not so 'high' feelings and get on to the more grounded and balanced feelings.  In step ten its asks if we have felt any extreme happiness or pain today and I am beginning to understand why they ask that.  I am always on the high cloud of recovery, new job, new romance, new friendship.... new something.  I really never get past that high into the more mundane feelings in a healthy fashion without over eating, getting loaded or sexing my way through it.

I think the key to solving this is to know when to push through the feelings that are uncomfortable for me and when I am truly being prompted by my higher power to seek out a new adventure.  I know I am not in for a life of humdrum, I just need to find a bit more of a calmer balance and not strive for those extreme feelings any more.  Those are the feelings that swing the pendulum to balance themselves out.  Maybe its time to learn to live in the grey and find contentment with happy and sad, instead of excitement and pain.  I think to get to this place I need to roll through my feelings as they come up instead of self forcing them by getting into romances that are not for me, or quitting jobs that are for me.  Maybe this is part of the trust in the universe that I need to step into.

When I force a situation in order to feel, maybe I am doing so because that way I can identify my feeling and have some form of control over it.  I know right now when something comes up out of the blue with no seeming cause I get pretty messed up about it.  I can't analyze it or try to figure it out and that scares me and causes me to want to shut it down instantly.  Aka... eat a pound cake or smoke a joint.  See I got suppression here that I control and then when that suppression gets out of control I jump into a romance to release it!!!  Ah fucking dirty patterns!!

Okay I need to stop writing.  I don't want to learn anything more about myself today.  Back to blissful ignorance.... I'm out.

Feelings are like Pea's

Feelings.

...........................


What a stupid concept.   Feelings.

I am an analytical Virgo who is much more comfortable with intellectual concepts and pursuits.  The affairs of the heart are for the emotional people of this planet and I stay far away from that shit.

Of course that is until that 'shit' comes sneaking up behind me and threatens to drown me in my own ocean of unacknowledged emotions.  Such an annoying thing to have a heart, life would be much better for me if I could just cut that thing out.  I would function just fine on logic and reason, thank you very much.  Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory does just fine.

Ya, tell yourself.   I can hear my tittat bad boy number 2 say.  Which I have now discovered there have actually been three bad boys in my recovery so I am shifting all the numbers.  Just a side note.  Much rather talk about the side notes then the stupid feelings that are raging inside me.

I can't stuff them with food anymore.(said with a grating 13 year olds whine)  Which in my denial I was doing.  I should know my pattern by now.  When I start over eating the way I have been lately, there is always a feeling lingering that I am ignoring.  I really truly believed I was just struggling to get over a hurt inflicted recently upon me.  However it never made sense because the action was not matching the sheer volume of pain surfacing on my heart.  So I stuffed it down with food because my Virgo mind could not spin logic on it.  There is no logic to stupid feelings.  (i just gotta keep saying it... ignore if it you already figured this shit out)

Knowing that I cannot over eat like that anymore brought me to a cagey animal in heat mentality.  Trolling for something more physical to cure my ill heart was coming more and more to the forefront of my over active mind.  The more I tried to take that route the more my guts inside turned.  I can not even step foot in that arena anymore, no matter how hard I try and force it.  It's just not in my nature to act out that way as I grow and change.  Super frustrating when it was such an instant release for me, for many years.

Learning new ways of letting my feelings out is where this lesson is going.

The other night I found myself sitting on my eldest daughters bed with her stash in my hands.   Reality rocked my world loud and clear.  I sat vibrating, heart pounding, mind racing, hands sweating, mouth watering, and soon sobbing uncontrollably.   I dropped the numbing out medicine and booked it to a meeting where I shared about my shock over being 'here' again.

......Ahh... tittat badboy #2 would understand the 'here' cry escaping my lips.  How I miss him some days... hmmm....  digression, avoidance, distraction.

With every relapse I have I always wonder how the fuck  I got back to 'here'.   I realize now, how.  I don't deal with my feelings when they come up.  I am unable to just let a feeling wash over me without knowing exactly what,when, why and how of every little facet of that emotion.  I need logic to reason it out.  I am learning that logic and emotions are in completely different rooms, not even in the same wing of my huge inner mansion.  Connected by a maze of hallways.

Rest assured.  I am clean today.  I didn't end up 'here' again.  I recognized the fall before it hit.... mere moments mind you, but I stayed on solid ground nonetheless.  I am working a solid program today and I really don't want to get loaded.  I love my life.   I just truly struggle with my feelings.  This experience has made it very clear just how deep the pain of my past goes and how much needs to be cleared in  order for me to move forward on my journey.

You see I never allow myself to feel the pain of my childhood.  I rationalized and moved on.  I have skipped all the work and have just jumped into forgiveness.  I can't do that, it doesn't work that way.  I have to allow myself to feel.  I cannot always be in my head about these things.  I was so afraid of becoming a victim that I thought a survivor just forgave and moved on.  Really i was brushing everything under the carpet under the disguise of forgiveness.  I really don't harbor any ill will towards the people of my past, but I have to get real about my own personal hurts.

This past incident with bright blues Bad boy number three triggered a way deeper issue of betrayal and abandonment from my past and my childhood.  The waves of emotion were to intense and after a couple of days I had to shut 'er down.  That is where I started to slide down the relapse slope.  Thats where I need to learn a new way to handle the fear of being overwhelmed by my feelings.  I have to figure out an off switch for them so that I feel a little more in control when they get to intense.  I understand I have to roll through the waves but its terrifying to me.

Feelings are a disconnected aspect of my personality.  I have never allowed myself to express them let alone feel them.  It just wasn't safe as a kid to do so.  Now as an adult I must learn how to effectively handle these feelings that are erupting within me and threatening to drown me if I don't acknowledge them.  That's scary shit to me.  I am much more comfortable sleeping with the devil.  How fucked is that?

Feelings?   What a stupid issue.   It's like my youngest daughter said to a psychiatrist once when asked what she thought about feelings  ...' feelings are like pea's, you know they are good for you, but you just don't like them'.  

And with that witty wise comment from the mouth of my babe I bid you ado.  I hope this week finds you walking through your own feelings and sending me waves of strength to walk through mine.

Welcome to The City of Illusions

Erupting like hot lava from a volcano my emotions threaten to destroy the perfect little illusion I have built at the bottom of the mountain.

My little world of glass.  Totally see through, everything there like an open book.  Don't dig too much further because there is nothing there to see.  Everything I am is open for all to see.  Or so I would like to believe in my magic house of mirrors.  Satisfied with the reflection I choose to see through the distorted mirrors.

I am lost in my own city.  The mountain is over flowing and the Lava is pouring fourth into the suburbs and there is no where to run from it.  The mirrors trick me.  Running in directions unknown.  Slamming into clean glass stopping me in full run.  My city is melting all around me.  Everything is screaming inside the walls.  Trapped.

Never having been one that could express her emotions in a healthy way.  As a kid you don't want to hear the way I expressed them.  As I got older and understood how horrible that situation was it was through food that I hid my feelings.  As the food was stripped from my bones, it was dope.  My city is melting all around me.  My mirrors no longer reflecting what I choose to see.  The glass blocking my path now melts into the heat of the angry red liquid.

Standing on a rock I watch as everything I have known until now disappears.  I have known for a long time this day would come.  The day I would have to face the mountains inner turmoil.  No one chooses to build her city at the bottom of a volcanoe without having some wit her city could be destroyed at some time.  That time is here.

The mirrors of secrecy have melted.  The wall of despair has fallen.  The illusions of all is okay have shattered.  The borders of Fear have all but disappeared.  Halls of guilt and shame are somewhere deep below the fiery substance of change.  My little house of illusions no longer exists.

Sitting on my rock watching through my tears I feel a small stirring of..... relief?.  My home and all I have known is vanishing before my eyes.  All I have worked so hard to build to protect myself is slipping into the eruption of Powerful Mother Earth.  Smoke from the mirrors is all that is left.

Sitting in the smoke I cry.  Shedding years of held back pain, fear and disillusion.   Emptied out I fall asleep on my rock.  I have nothing left. 

As I sleep...... God opens up the sky's and sheds his own tears unto my destroyed city.  He cry's for my pain.  He cry's for my journey's past.  He cry's for my strength.  He cry's for my inner beauty.    He cry's for all I am to become.

When I open my eye's the smoke is gone and the sky is clear.  My eye's slowly adjust.   Budding young hopeful tree's that have replaced my mirrors of defeat.  Flowers of Love bloom where my walls of fear once resided.     Birds fly down my old halls of shame.     A rainbow touches down in the place secrecy used to hide.

I don't move off my rock.  I don't know how to feel.  I don't trust this new illusion.  Maybe I will stay here until the landscapes true reality comes forth.  I am done being hurt by pretty little illusions of the all powerful mind.  This could be only an illusion.  It is only an illusion.

I close my eye's and go back to sleep.  Knowing that when I wake up i will be back in the destruction of my life and the comfort of my sorrow.

Coming to Believe

Be Still and know that I am God.   That has been my new mantra when my mind starts to go into overdrive. I have to say its working very well.  It helps me bring myself back to my inner light and reminds me that I have control over only one thing... and thats my mind.   When I say 'Be still' now my mind stops the ridiculous thought process it was in  and settles for a moment, sometimes longer if I am lucky.

But that is not what I want to talk about here.  I spent some time in contemplation at work today about all the ways I try to get out of my feelings.  I thought about how hard it is for me to even identify my feelings when they are occurring because I am so proficient in getting out of them before they escalate into anything.  I also thought about how my mind works in over drive when intense feelings come up.

When i am having a feeling my mind is all over that feeling convincing me of something that its not.  Is like my brain hates my heart.

 Today my day started out wonderfully, but as the day progressed and it got hotter I got more tired.  Not cranky or anything just tired.  Slowly my thinking turned stinking, like a cancer spreading through my happiness.   I found I was blaming my misery on people in my life.  No one was texting me and that was the focus of my mind  for a solid hour or so before I had to become still again and know that God would text me if he had an Iphone.   How ridiculous is that?    How quickly my mind moves my attention outside myself and the immediate feeling of being tired.

I had an epiphany a few months ago when I was just beginning to get comfortable with being single.  When a man is in my life he takes me out of my feelings.  Just knowing  I will see him later or talk to him later was enough to help me over whatever crap feeling I was experiencing.  I learned this when I was going through some tough stuff at work and having to actually deal with it because I couldn't get out of the feelings until I did. When I have a hearty distraction in my life I don't have to deal with the feelings that come up and are wanting my attention, because my attention is already in single focus elsewhere.

Todays feeling was mild tired, but can you imagine what my mind does with extreme overwhelm?  I talk myself into a disappearing act and split.  The constant runner that I am will have me turning tail and heading for the hills if I dont have a distraction to keep me grounded where I am.

..... Re reading that last paragraph seems to have a contradiction in it.  A distraction to keep me ground and a distraction to take me out of my feelings?  Which is it?  Is there a time and place for a distraction in ones life?  Are we meant to feel every feeling or can we get some relief from minor distractions?  Are there healthy distractions?

My distractions in the past have all been pretty unhealthy.... drugs, sex, romantic relationships, food....  So what do I turn to now?  I still eat a tub of ice cream when I am feeling yucky, and still do find the cute boys irresistible.... is that detrimental to my recovery?  Maybe.

I think that whatt I need to be looking for here is focus nd not distraction.  I need to find a happy focus that is healthy for me and stick to that focus through any negative feelingss that come up.  Finding that focus maybe is where I should be putting my attention. Work has settled now, although I  am looking at he journeyman program so could this be a deeper focus for me?  Have I not taken my focus far enough?

Realizing I am tired and is nobody's fault was pretty cool for me.  Planning a relaxing might in to recoup has settled this poor  old brain of mine.  She really does work out hard, but as I go deeper into my meditative practices I find she is getting some peace and I am experiencing some serenity as a result.

I am in love with my life again.  I am falling inlove with myself again.  It is a constant ebb and flow process of coming to believe..... in ME.

Emotional Maturity is Overrated!

As I come back into my light I am faced with the reality of my personality.  Sometimes living in  my addictive personality is much easier, wearing the rose coloured glasses affords me my little fantasies.  However when I come out of that persona I am always disgusted by the truth the light shines on my creation.

Emotional maturity.    What is that and once I figure that out, how do I achieve it??

I have heard it said in the rooms that when you start using you stunt your emotional growth.  I can clearly see that in many people, but I didn't start really using until my adult years and I have been made very aware lately that I have the emotional maturity of a newt.  lol  To exaggerate my point.... I don't even know what a newt is, I just like saying the word.

Looking at my own life I find myself wondering what extreme trauma does to ones emotional well being.  When a child must go to other places emotionally on a regular basis does that do permanent damage reflected in the adult years?  I have never been able to handle my feelings.  As A teen I drugged them, as an adult I ate and smoked them away.  Recently I was back to drugging them.  It has only been this  past year that I actually began to work through them.

And let me tell ya.... they are Ugly.... with a capital U.    And I don't handle them well.

I find I over react all the time to my feelings, making those mountains out of mole hills.  Sitting in the black or white of them, never able to just be in the  gray with them.  I am all drama or completely removed.  I am a lover or an enemy, never just a friend.  I have to place everything in its little compartment neatly and if it doesn't fit anywhere nicely I discard it completely.  Things must follow a pattern I have laid out or I get very out of sorts.

I am emotionally immature.  Yup there I said it.... the emotional intelligence of a Newt.  I can be smart as fuck in the way of reading people.  I can grasp concepts quickly, my mind is sharp... but this ol heart of mine is fubarred.

I have a heart that was broken before it even had time to grow.... now its all deformed and ill functioning.   Can an old dog learn new tricks?  Its not that I am trying to be negative here, I am just feeling the crunch of my age and the bitterness that it has taken me this long to come to understand just how much life has been wasted repeating the same sick patterns of broken heartedness.

I always referred to the term of broken heart to mean from romantic relationships, but now I see a much larger picture of the heart of Love.   A child who's definition of Love was distorted and made ugly before she even knew what healthy love was.  Thats the definition of a broken heart.  Love is not about the opposite sex as my intellectual brain has been telling me  for years,  Love is about having a heart filled with the capacity to give and receive love of others.  The heart is about being able to feel and express ones feelings in a healthy manner, to accept ones feelings..... to be open to feelings.

The heart is Feelings.  Its more then Love I see now.  The heart is where all my feelings are processed.  My dysfunctional heart, my broken heart has contributed to my emotional immaturity.  Aha, moments dawning!

So how do I grow up emotionally?

 I heal my broken heart?

Holy fuck how do I do that??

That seems scarier then just dealing with an infantile emotional out burst every now and then.  I have been doing well with band-aids and duck tape around the cracks in my ticker.  I am so not going to the doctor just so they can open me up and tinker with my feeling center.   Oh wait, wait wait....... thats what those freaking steps have been doing isn't it.  Sneaky buggers!!!!!

Light bulbs are flashing like the paparazzi chasing a Kardashian......I love writing my shit out.

Damn.  With that I better get back to Step four.  And go figure folks I am just starting the section on feelings.    I guess this is why they say the programs works of you work it.  I feel like I am gonna puke most days again, so something is moving again.  Can't say I miss this feeling but I do know the results of last time were mind blowing for me.  So here is too the roller coaster ride we love to hate.