See my struggle has always been with the good not the challenging. When my life is falling apart I am comfortable. I am much better at ripping down what I built over building up the dreams of my heart. I can easily find my higher Power when life is tough and I am humbled, I find the void when things are going good and I slip back into Ego the true trying times for me.
This past two months with starting a new job has been both wonderful and terrible all at the same time. Terrible in the sense of feeling disconnected from my routine and thus my schedule of connecting with my world, yet wonderful in the fact I was completely out of my head the entire time.
Let me explain what being in my head means to me. When I get stuck in my head I am trapped in a viscous circle of thoughts. Thoughts that run like a hamster on the wheel of my mind. Chewing and re-chewing idea's, concepts, facts, memories and perceived evils over and over again. The past couple months I have been far to busy and tired to have any other thoughts then basic needs needing to be met. Now though things are settling and the thoughts that have been patiently waiting in the background are demanding my attention.
My mind since active addiction has seemed to slip into this low self esteem negative mode where nothing is every good enough and I am destined to lose everything. I was not always this negative, it bothers me that I am today. I have so much fear some days I truly wonder how I function. Then other days I am full of confidence and grace. Its the days I can tap my higher power that I feel positive. It's not always easy today to tap that power.
I am just beginning to understand how much work recovery is. How much work it is to keep my mind healthy and free from all the debris this world and my own addict wants to fill it with. How much work it is to hold a regular job and not run when my emotions flare up. How much work it is to maintain a positive parental role for my daughters and son. How much work it is to keep my friendships alive and well. And in all of that there is my desire to be touched in an intimate way by a man. Which I have no energy left at the end of the day for.
I am not meaning to spin a negative on this, however I am mearly pointing out that I need my higher power to carry me more through the good times then I do the rough ones. Because its through the busyness of the building that I lose the energy I need to keep building. It is today that I need to connect with the love and support of my creator. I need the reassurance and the guidance I am still on the right path. I need the love and affection to nurture me and help me feel less lonely as I move towards the goals I set for myself a few months ago.
My recovery is not slipping. I am merely pausing to rest and to have a good cry over all the realizations and understandings I have been awakened to in these past few months. It is always hard for me to learn a new quality about myself, good or not so good. Today I am facing so not so good ones. This is when I use the serenity prayer to get me through and I keep on moving.
Hope you all are having a wonderful day and now I must get moving to work.... loving rain days and the time they gift me.
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