That has been a tough concept to bare in mind these past few weeks. I was reminded many times over those days of the movie 'Eat,Pray, Love'. There is a scene in that movie where the guru explains to the main character that getting knocked off balance is a part of understanding balance, its an acceptable process of learning and life.
I struggled hard with that life lesson these past weeks.
I love meditation in my life. Every night I spend 30-60 minutes in my meditation room going through a guided visual meditation. Each night I choose a new adventure and enjoy greatly the places I journey in my mind. I pray and play in my God box after the mediation and connect deeply with my higher self. I love my evenings spent this way doing my tenth step.
Every morning I begin my day with 15 minutes of chakra balancing and grounding/centering. This starts my day on a balanced note of calm and serenity. I love my morning practice.
I have been unable to do either these past three weeks. No excuses. Every time I tried to go into meditation in the evening I was asleep before the first word whispered out of the speakers of my boombox. I would shake things up and cut out the meditation only to zone out during the readings from my God Box. I felt as if I was insulting my Higher God so I could not proceed. Even just reading through my tenth step questions proved daunting as by the second word in the first question I would already be asleep. In the mornings my mind would not cease the chatter, the meditation would be long since over and my mind would still be lost deep in thought of my new jobs day in action.
My whole practice of connecting to my higher power has been a futile venture this past while and it was a bothersome situation for me. I have grown to cherish my moments with my higher self, look forward to them and come away with such incredible feelings and insight. I hated not having those moments.
|I could hear warnings of the program in my mind..... anything you put before your recovery you will lose..... Everyday do something 12 step related or your addict will thrive..... I was just too damn tired to do any step work, read any literature or even phone a single soul to connect. No matter how hard I tried I just did not have the energy to extend in that direction.
Today as life begins to settle down again I am seeing the larger picture of my past few weeks. They don't say hindsight is 20/20 for nothing.
All the time before starting this job spent in deep ritualistic meditation paved the way for me to make a solid connection with my higher self. That connection is very solid and very true. It is a connection that cannot now be easily broken. Three weeks of changed focus did not abandon my God. She was holding my hand the entire way.
I can feel her deep within me every moment now, I don't need the allotted set aside time to recognize the feelings and thoughts that are hers. I realize today I don't need to talk to her everyday to know she is there and in communication with me any more. I don't need to spend copious amounts of time in ritual invoking her energy so I can understand and feel her love for me. I no longer need to dive so deeply into the roots of mother earth to know I am always connected and grounded in her nurturing. This is what all that energy focussed in meditation gave me. Infancy grown into adolescence.
I am testing my knowledge now. I am taking what my higher self has taught me over the past few months and I am applying it in the real world. I am gaining understanding through experience of her teachings. I am exactly where I need to be on my journey.... I am living life not hiding under the cloak of my God. I am a teenager eager for experience.
My knock off balance has been nothing more then a mother bird pushing her baby out of the nest to teach them to fly. What I was so worried about, losing my routine and stability, has actually proved to be one of the most exciting practices of losing the ground beneath my feet. Why is it that we need something solid to stand upon to feel like we are building a foundation? Birds are one of the oldest known creatures on the planet and they spend most of their lives in the sky. Fish were here before anything and they swim freely with nothing beneath their feet.
I put way to much stock into my grounded foundation that I couldn't see the possibilities of flying to the heavens or swimming with the mermaids. Staying grounded always keeps you forever the baby bird unable to leave momma's safety, always shrouded by Gods cloak... forever the infant. I see now how I have spent the last 38 years as an infant afraid of the ocean. Afraid to open my wings and dive off the tree into the freedom of the air.
I realize today..... it's high time I grow up.
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