My life needed shaking up, so for that I am grateful, but to be back here with you, even if its for a brief moment is almost orgasmic for me. You are my personal love.
I thought about reading the Just for Today daily meditation as a topic and then changed my mind to share about how the twelve steps are playing out in my new adventure at work instead.
Applying these principals in all of my affairs is the topic of the day.
I have had two heated, emotional truly terrifying confrontations with both my bosses at my new job and I am only one month into it. Many moments within these past two weeks I have wondered if I had made a terribly wrong choice by stepping into this position for work. I have been pushed to the brink of my physical and emotional limits and can almost say broke my mental limits within this job. It has been challenging, very challenging.
The rewards of these challenges however....... My comfort zone has grown double its width and my confidence within my own being has expanded. I have just been blasted with one of those fucking uncomfortable growth experiences again. Actually two of them back to back.
The first time I went to my bosses with my concerns I could barely get two words out between my ridiculous sobs. I was beyond tired and could not continue at the pace I was going... physically. I needed to vent it out because resentments were threatening to take me out of the job at a fast run. I wanted to quit and never return. I knew quitting has been an insane action of mine my whole life and for things to be different I needed to handle them differently.
It wasn't pretty but I asked to speak to both bosses and let them know I was about to quit cause I couldn't take it any more and I asked for other options because I didn't really want to quit. Before I could get that out nicely though, I had to admit my defects, I had to state my building resentments, I had to ask for help and I had to be willing to accept the guidance. I had worked a fifth step with my bosses about my work practices and didn't even realize it. I practised the principal of turning it over to the powers that be in that situation. Looking at the conversation in hindsight I| realized I almost worked through an entire set of steps within the ten minutes I spoke with them.
The results were better then I could have hoped for. They pulled me off the job I was doing and gave me a job much more suited for me and I was so grateful and happy I could barely contain my gratitude for this company, my life and this program of the twelve steps. In the past I would have bolted and found a new job and decided I hated this field of work and that would have ended that. How limited my mind has always been, until now. I don't even understand how I made it this far in life with the way I used to live it.
That gratitude didn't last long however......
I ran into my next challenge within a few days and found myself once again pushed to my limits and this time anger was building and over flowing into my words and actions with management and co-workers alike.
A specific boss was undermining my ability to do the job and coming at me with cutting remarks. These little slashes of the tongue were renting huge property space in my head and causing me to make mistakes that were to large for me not to lose my job over. As this escalated so did my concerns over being fired for my poor quality of work. I was back in the deep pits of self loathing and stinking thinking.
............An awareness grew for me that dope used to be my answer to all pracitices of destressing and unwinding. Finding new productive ways to let go of stress and find excitement and joy to move my mind away from the things that rent space in my head is my new focus for recovery. When I was off work it was easy to make time and find these solutions. Working ten to twelve hour days presents a new challenge for finding joyous stress releasers.
Thats just a side note...... on with my story....
My great creator and higher power then stepped in as the anger escalated and caused a situation that brought about an uncontrollable stab of my own tongue into my bosses side. This caused a bit of a roar and another sit down with both bosses. This time I was the focus of the emotional spewage. Not backing down I again stated my frustration over the way I was being spoken too by this one particular boss and it turns out this concern had already been stated by other staff as well. I was heard and the problem was rectified in that moment.
However what came out of that second sit down was my own blaring defect/personality trait of being highly sensitive. My boss was frustrated by how sensitive I am and I agree'd that I do have issues with this my self. I don't like that I take everything personally, that every small gesture gets taken in to the deepest regions of my soul, that I love hard and hurt equally as hard...... but that is me and no matter how hard I have worked at turning it over to God, it is part of who I am.
I have learned that not all defects get removed just because we want them gone, they are part of who we are and we must learn to work them to our advantage. After the blow out in the morning that day, both bosses spoke to me separately about my sensitivity. I expressed my own concern with this trait of mine and how hard it is for me to find a job where its not an issue. The owner boss stated that he did not want this quality of mine squashed because on the flip side of the tears was great laughter and wonderful energy that lead the other staff to smile and laugh more. The other boss also gets the opportunity to manage in a new softer way, learning to handle different staff in different ways. It was a win win for all involved.
I was validated.
I am learning to stand in the truth of who I am in all situations in my life. I am beginning to accept and stand up for who I am. As I write this tears again threaten to erupt. I am proud of this person I am growing into. I am amazed by my own abilities to embrace, nurture and support myself. Walking away from work yesterday after being awarded three days off to recoup and with both managers approval of who I am, I am again beyond grateful for what the Twelve steps have taught me not only about who I am but how to deal effectively with life on lifes terms.
Work it because your worth it...... has new meaning for me today. I am worth it..... but working it is fucking hard! I deserve my three days off.
.......... and now boys and girls I am outta here to get my house cleaned( I would like to see the white of my tub again)...... so I can go love my beautiful little girl and have some fun in the sun!!!
Happy trails my friends!
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