The Epic Burn out of Summer '014

What is exhaustion?

Got my coffee on my desk, a day off and a mind full of words.

In many ways I am coming back into myself and in many others I have this new personality developing within me.  My HR manager would argue that our personality is something we are born with and does not change.  I am not sure I am on that same train of thought yet.

I do know that I am almost at the end of a tremendous growth cycle.  My writings wont be as much about where I am at.   They will move back into things I am studying as oppose to things I am experiencing.  For me life is about cycles of experience and go get em' kinda of growth.  Then there are times of going within to rest and study up on what I just experienced or look into new areas to study.

That is where I am at now... going within.  Which seems odd as physically I am back at work now but mentally I am going within,  These past four months, physically I have slowed down and seemly experienced less but my mind was still processing my gigantic burnout crash.

The explosive dramatic burnout of summer '014.

I just read a time magazine article about exhaustion.  The writers take was factual.  Sometimes the facts hurt more then an opinion.  As a nation we frown deeply upon exhaustion.  Doctors don't buy into it and therefor people are not supported at all in their concerns of being over tired.  Employers continue to work their employees to hard and marketers continue to hypnotize people into believing they would feel better if they had this or that product.  Thus creating a viscous cycle of debt and the need to work more..... disgusting.

Did you know we are really the only nation that works this way?

We are easily lead pawns.  Makes me so sad.

So my crazy crash into a brick wall was apparently quite a norm in this society we have created for ourselves.  That does not make it any easier to deal with.  Strangely enough what does make it easier.... is the fact I am also a drug addict.

Does that not sound entirely strange to you?  Yay for being a drug addict.

With a drug affliction I was taken seriously by not only a medical doctor but a psychiatrist and a psychologist.  However if I was to just have burnt out.... nothing.  I would have had very little support.  How does one measure being over tired?  Tough I guess, doctors cant work with that maybe?  But have me fill out an assessment of what drugs I have used in the past twelve months and I am admitted into a world class womens treatment center for six weeks to rest up.

Our society is ass backwards. What we reward is ludicrous.

But holy Hanna this is not at all where I was intending to go with this post.  I merely wanted to share my experience with integrating back into work force after four months off and the struggles to re prioritize my recovery plans.  I guess I do love a good rant about society though.  So let me move on to what I really wanted to identify...

 How do you know when your exhausted, or over worked and how do you deal with that?

I have only been working like 20 hours each of the past two weeks but it feels more like 60 hours each of the weeks.  I am a landscaper and in my little northern city that means shoveling a shit tonne of snow.  So the work has been physically demanding.  No wonder I am tired after each snow fall, from four months of sleeping and hiding under my covers, to back breaking work... duh!  

What I was not aware of is what exhaustion feels like.  I can pound out my list of 24 driveways in a mere six to eight hours alone with no problems.  Physically I am still fit albeit grossly overweight.  Its when I get home that this extremely heavy feeling blankets me and my eyes wanna close but my mind is still awake and calm.    It makes sense that my body would be tired after working it like that, but what do you do when your mind isn't so much tired?

Drug it?  Yes, doc I will take some sleeping pills please.  Or wait I can just get some weed, much easier, thanks anyways.

The use of drugs or alcohol in this time magazine article stated that addiction was considered the leading cause of exhaustion.  Addiction to what?  The article suggested Street drugs and booze.  What about all the doctor prescribed drugs that change a persons moods and forces a person into states that are desired?

Please let me not digress here.  I have a strong opinion about medications and I don't want this to move into a me bashing them rant.  So let me just state the point that using prescription drugs is not the only answer to dealing with your problems.  Its the easy way and in some cases its is the best way for A person... but those some cases are less then twenty percent. Prescriptions are a drug that eventually lead to more exhaustion thus keeping us pawns in the life game of chess.

Physical and mental exhaustion go hand and hand I am noticing.  When I get tired physically from lack of sleep due to stress, I tend to eat more starchy foods which quickly escalates that over tired feeling.  This moves into exercising less because I am just to tired and then the really viscous cycle of weight gain and all levels of energy drop dramatically.  Leaving me no energy to deal with the original problem of grieving or an emotional upset.  Truly those are the basics to energy and low vibrations within the body and mind.

 From there depression sets in and all negative mind bashing thoughts which lead to the over use of prescriptions or street drugs.  An easy fix and when your tired, the seemingly only fix.

From my experience with proper eating after a lifetime of over portions and extreme starches, I cannot even begin to stress how important diet is to a persons mental state.  My four months off from a crash from being over tired threw all things healthy and good for me out the window.  I have been eating huge portions again and eating starches with little regard to healthy amounts.  I have gained twenty five pounds in four months and feel like the biggest bag of shit around.  I am reminded of how I felt before I began eating to the Canada food guide.

Going back to work is forcing me to eat better again just to get through my day which is good. Getting enough sleep has been the toughest thing, eight hours my ass... this girl needs at least ten on days I push my body.  Instead of sleeping pills to slow my mind I have used meditations and sleep hypnosis.  Already my mood is shifting from one of defeat and inertia from being off all those months.... yet now I am finding that the fear of crashing again is almost overwhelming

This is the true nature of the post I wanted to write about.  I am very aware now of when I get tired.  Physically and mentally.  I never want to burn out again like I did this past summer.  Over work, lack of nutrition, and addictions drained me entirely of my energy.  Not practicing any source of energy drawing activity just about killed me.
 
I have learned from my HR manager as of late that I am an introverted person.  I recharge alone.  Being around people drain my energy not increase it.  This has presented a huge problem as far as fellowship meetings for my drug addiction is concerned.  I have had a terrible time reworking my recovery plan to be kinder on myself.  Now I spend more time on the phone with my sponsor reading the daily meditation together.  That fuels me up.  I go online to meetings now, I get what I need information-ally but keep my energy from seeping out.

I love cooking for my girls I have learned during my time off.  I find I am gaining much energy from doing that.  I am back to yoga and meditations which are always wonderful for me.  Plus studying has these huge energy spikes that I had no idea of before.  I study what I am passionate about and this fuels my dreams and helps me visualize an amazing future which has a strange way of becoming my present.  Art and crafting things for my home bring me joy as well.

I think by keeping mindful of what makes me happy, will help me stay in balance with the work I must do in order to pay my bills.  I love working outdoors and truly enjoy my job.  In the past I have kept my passions out of line with my income because as soon as I attached dollars to what I loved doing, what I loved doing became a job.  Today I enjoy that I have passions and I work to support those passions.  If those passions make me a few bucks on the side, great.

Truly illuminating exhaustion for me is to accept that I work to live.  I cannot live to work.   There is way more to this life, way more depth then just working.  Love what I do as I spend 40 hours a week doing it, but know that there is a whole wide world beyond work.  Work has become my humbling experience, my hours to keep myself in check.

This is the end of my workaholism.

Wow took a long freaking time to get to that conclusion.  I said at the beginning I was full of words!!  Man I need to write more often, that might keep the topic a bit more simple and to the point.  If you made it this far.... thank you and I am sorry for the double rants.  Blessings!

The Pattern of Relapse

What an internal trail I have been trekking these past few weeks.  Nice clean pastures followed by valleys and mountain slopes.  Peaceful at times and then shattered by ferocious roars bursting out of the brush.  Inviting gurgling brooks where I stop and just enjoy the surroundings, and 90 degree slopes that I must pick ax my way up.  

This of course is all metaphorical and inside my own over active imagination.   Theres a full thriving complete world in between these two ears of mine.  But thats a story for another post....

I am processing the Cycle of Relapse.

Being that my story involves so many starts and stops, I am deeply interested in why one relapses when the desire is deep for recovery.  I am also intrigued by the layers of relapse.  When drugs are no longer the focal point, it is amazing to me all the different points that come into focus to replace dope.

I have learned through my third sponsor that I can seek the answers to my recovery questions anywhere I need to if I cannot find them within the rooms of the twelve step fellowship I belong to.  I have asked several people about relapse and the cycle of it and have not received sufficient information to satisfy my insatiable appetite for recovery knowledge.  Even reading the AA blue book and the living clean book have been inadequate in supplying the answers I seek.

 During my entire set of steps, my sponsor and I worked not only the NA steps but also Melody Beattie's Co-dependent steps.  I found the CoDA side of explanations to hit much closer to home for me then the NA ones.  I  am finding the answers on relapse in the same place.

I am in a spiritual relapse.

I like my labels to be able to define and categorize where exactly in my compartmentalized brain the concept fits.  I struggled with considering my mindset as a drug relapse because I have no desire to use and even when presented with the option I choose not to.  Not that I will always as I am a drug addict and can only keep my recovery for so long if I am not working a program.  But I am working a program and still feel like shit.  Actually scratch that last line I am not fully working a program.

I am now understanding my idea of what a program is may be the starting problem.  To me going to meetings, doing step work and connecting to people in recovery is what working a program is.  However I am learning that it actually goes a bit deeper then that now.  Working a program is about self care.  Eating properly, getting enough exercise and taking care of my personal hygiene.  It also means setting boundaries, taking responsibility for myself and honoring my roles in life as mother, employee, Friend and so on.  So working a program now is deeper then when I first came into recovery.  I am not working my program to the best of my ability.

The current book I am reading by Melody Beattie points out all the ways in which we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy, mind, body and spirit, right after she outlines the stages of relapse.  Thats what I am more intrigued about right now.  I need to know the why's and hows of whats going on in my world.  I know something shifted in me a while back, what I don't get is why it shifted.

Now I know why...

So the first step in an emotional relapse or a spiritual one, or even a drug one is... Your emotions shut down.

Looking back now I can see the exact place that this occurred for me.  I was in a place of Goddess connected Love and Bliss for a good solid four or five months around the turn of the year.  I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable early spring and then an insatiable desire to seek out the bad boy.  I convinced myself that it was an innocent past time I was looking for and coming from a place of blissful connection I could handle it.  I see in my 20/20 hindsight that something before that stirred up some feelings of pain and I needed to numb out..... distract with the patterned behaviour of getting romantically involved.  That pattern in its extreme form is the endless string of boyfriends that end up going nowhere.... I see now its just a way of avoiding my own feelings and... Pain.

After Shutting the emotions down our compulsive behaviors return.  The first one for me is over eating followed by a pattern of starving myself under the disguise of healthy fasting cleanses.  When this behavior shows up I know I am stuffing feelings but am usually to clouded to see and just keep cycling here.  When I progress to extremes I move into dope and then the final stage for me is sexing the entire football team.  I can see clearly now my own compulsive patterns.  I have always been on the verge of understanding for a bit now, just not seeing how they all fit into the puzzle, now I do.  Self awareness is key to being able to fully take care of yourself and thus work an effective program.  This phase takes a while to get to though.

After the compulsive behaviors start then that victim self image returns.  Now for me after reading the definition Melody lays out for victim mentality I realize I don't have that, I actually embody the opposite.... runner mentality.  I refused from a very young age after reading a book about child sexual abuse survivors to become a victim.  So instead I grew into the worlds top sprinter.  When I begin to get edgy, not being able to figure out why I am over eating I start the process of elimination.  I do that by finding the last thing that irritated me and I cut it out of my life.  recently it was work.  I am tired and want a break from the long hours, so I figured it was time to write up a new resume and begin the process of looking for a new job.  My runner mentality needs new focus and to create external passion in my life.  Looking for a new job was that for me this time.  Lots of times in the past its been a move to a new house/town/province.

The next phase of relapse is that our self worth drops.  I can see this with looking for a new job.  I started to feel bad because I was gonna jump ship on my boss who has been nothing but wonderful too me.  I started to justify why I needed to move on and it was even getting to the point where I was starting to sabotage my job by way of shitty attitude towards my beloved boss.  Wow, the sinking sensation in my soul even as I write that is effecting my self esteem right now.  My God lets me get away with Nothing these days.... nothing.

At this phase of the cycle is when the crazies return.  Fear comes up and we begin to function from this place.  At my one year cake I opened my sharing with the fact that I am in fear again.  I could not understand why.  I felt undeserving, depressed, over extended, over sensitive  to the point of almost desperation.  I was back in a place of using pain without the fucking dope.... how was this right??

This is where the behaviors come full blown.  This is also where my relapse has stopped.  This is where the fuck you I am gonna act the way I want because I am a scared caged animal lashing out starts.  This is quickly followed by... for me, drug relapse and the... holy fuck how did I get here again!!  I remember this feeling way to clearly from my first several relapses in early recovery.

I cycled through this list at mach speed in early recovery, probably because I never made it to the beginning where my feelings were even open to have a place to shut down.  Thats what the spiritual awakening was for me... Through working the twelve steps openly and honestly I did open to my feelings, thats the difference in my relapse today.  I had further to cycle.

Recovery really is a process that requires patience and a balance of fun in order to get through the layers of the onion necessary to get to the core of why you use to cope in the first place.  Now that i understand the cycle of relapse my attention has moved into what pain was coming up that I wanted to shut out in the first place.  I think through the meeting last night I have a pretty good idea.  A pain that I need to work out in private.  Learning what to disclose was on Melody's self care checklist, something that I think I need to get intimate with.  So this one I will need to process in private I think.

So now that I understand the cycling of relapse, awareness being the first Key, now I can work on the actions needed to keep it from happening again.   Self care.  It's always, always boils down to self care.  And the ways in which we can take care of oursleves is an endless life long journey in itself.  So It looks like I have my work cut out for me.

Have a great Thanksgiving Everyone!!

*** Reposted***  Two years ago.

Rounding A Major Milestone!! ONE YEAR CLEAN

**Repost, Oct 2013**

I have been too busy lately.  Way too busy.  September is always a frantic month for me with back to school kids stuff and my belly button birthday, but add in my clean date birthday and CANA convention and all hell breaks loose in this routine little mind of mine.

I finally made it to one year of sobriety on Monday and I have yet to get here to share that with you.  That makes me sad, very sad actually.  I like my Sunday routine of blogging and this past week it was replaced with attending the NA convention.  Which in itself is fabulous and was a huge awaken-er for me, so I cannot complain there, but I am noticing that in my aging days I am lacking the energy to do it all.... actually thats not right, I have tonnes of energy when I eat right, but I am not doing that either.  I am lacking passion in my life, is a more true statement.

When I lack passion and drive for life I find it very difficult to motivate myself to do anything.  The convention awoke me to the realization I have gotten off course again in my life.  Not a huge discourse, just a starting turn in a direction of 'has been'  instead of 'whats new pussy cat'.

I took the day off work today because I am exhausted, struggling with headaches and negative thoughts.  I work 6 days a week over 8 hours each day.  I have been steady at this for several months now with only days off to go do something like conventions and stuff.  I have not had a day to just veg and do nothing.  I feel like I am constantly playing catch up and never getting ahead.  I am burning out.  This is not good for my program.  I have no time for rest or fun activities anymore... not a good place to be in.  Work/life balance is non existent.  I am suffering because of it.



..........I was one year clean on Monday!!!  Yay.  My hands are waving in the air... I did it!!  I say those words with a lack of excitement only because I am unmotivated today, something is amiss in my life.  I am truly happy I got here.  I have some reservations and fears to work through about getting loaded now, because that has been my secret promise to myself for the past six months..... every time I wanted to use, I told myself I would celebrate one year with a glass of wine.  I said it just to get myself to a year and really have no desire to drink, but there still lingers a fear there.

Beyond the reservations though is a good look at where my life is and if I am living my will or Gods will.  When I started my job landscaping, I loved it and firmly believed it was where I was meant to be.  I still believe it was the path I was to take.  However today my mind is shifting and I am not sure if it is because of my own self will and constant need for change and chaos or if it is the prayers I have been sending out about God to lead my life.

You see I have always longed to work with broken teens, since I was a little girl thats what I wanted to do.  I knew from  very young age my sexual abuse would fuck me up as a teenager and therefor potentially as an adult and that brought on this huge desire to help other girls get through it too.  As I grew up I did lots of volunteer work in that field and began my Social work course in college in my early 20's.  Somewhere along the way I got lost and today I work in landscaping.

My desires lately have been tugging me back in that social work direction.  I fight the fear of breaking back on to that path, not entirely understanding of what the fear really is though.  I struggle with working this job that keeps me away from my kids, my life and my program and is slowly loosing its luster.  I struggle with being the flake that cannot keep anything going longer then six months.  Is it boredom or am I tired of working towards someone elses dream?

My daughter came home the other night bursting with excitement over a connection she made for me.  A coworker's husband apparently works with broken teens and wants to meet me this weekend after an animated conversation with my daughter about all my history in helping people including my NA experience.  Kinda puked a bit in my mouth when she told me that part, but I guess he knows of a position that would suit me and is open right now.  I am going to meet him with a new revised resume this weekend.

Self sabotage is rampant in my mind right now.  Staying home from work, hiding in my sleep depression.  Unworthiness bouncing around my head like a wild ping-pong game.  Fighting to motivate myself for a beautiful dinner my best friend wants to gift to me for all the hard work I have put into my year staying clean, and trying to tap into the excitement of my cake celebration tomorrow night and my Woman's meeting open to men.

Being the center of attention is not something I relish in.  I can be the class clown on my own terms, I like making people laugh and smile.  But to be on the receiving end of niceties on a wider scale as this phase of my life is bringing me is highly uncomfortable...

Too much going on in my head, too much happening on the outside world.  Lots of shifting directions, lots of good positive attention, all of this is wonderful.  Yet I am so out of my element I am struggling to stay grounded.  Throw the shit at me and I am your ace in the pocket, but surround me with the white light and I am freakin basket case.

I am sure this is the fear of walking through the unknown.  I do not do anything without theatrics.....   Here is too gracefully walking into bigger and better things in my life...  Oh God... Gracefully!!

You are the Tree of Life!

**Repost**

Living is a cycle. 

 A continuous cycle of learning and growth.  

Branching out into new area's.

In our world where staying the same is highly respected and truly favoured  I am not surprised how hard it is to embark on a journey of changing ones  inner self.  It is the reason why I am so grateful for my crash into the rooms of an anonymous fellowship.  In these rooms its a mentality of change or die.  The rooms create a space outside of the rat race of life where you are safe to build your inner light.

Although.......even with the change the rooms offer I see the same fear of growing as I do outside the rooms.  Keeping our minds open after the initial 'holy shit what did I do to my life' wears off is challenging.   An open mind takes courage, self honesty and the willingness to try things you might fail at.

I love the analogy that we are like tree's.  I use this visualization often in my meditative practices.  Seeing myself as a very large tree that has roots digging deep into the earth grounding me and holding me solid and un-sway-able.   I even feel my roots drinking up the nutrients mother earth has and I feel the love of Gia that takes care of me and gives me a home and food.  This connection is one that I create every morning.  I ground in that connection of Love to fill me up and give me courage to try something new that day to keep that mind wide open.

In the JFT reading today it took my visualization even further and reminded me of the changing seasons and the growing leaves.  As that wondrous tree given life by a power greater then myself, I also have leaves that are ever evolving.  They bud, grow, change colour and fall off.  This is a process the tree faces every single year.  Some years the leaves are more brilliant in colour and quantity and the years of drought they are a bit more spindly.  But they are there none-the less.    

So it is with us and change.  I have found with myself and watched with others as the new begins to fade in our lives so to does our passion and love for living.  When that love for living fades we resort to drama making and bad behaviours.   Manipulation and control begin to come front and centre in new a creative ways to keep that excitement and passion alive for us.  How I recognize this is happening for me, is when I am no longer focused on me and my own growth and I am now focussed  on others and their growth.  

To keep my life full of passion I need to be constantly learning something new and trying new challenges.  I posted about it in the past a few times about trying something new every week.  I can also see now how my higher power takes me through the process of keeping my mind open to new and exciting lessons.

I am now working the traditions like I did the steps and relating those traditions directly to my family life and how to create a solid family unit.  This is teaching me so many new ways of dealing with parenting and how I conduct myself with integrity within my family and friendships.  Of course it also helps with with the meetings I am in service to.   I am also working through the process of applying for new jobs which stretches me past my comfort zone, yet forces my mind to comprehend new data.

The whole concept behind trying new things is to continually keep that mind open.  It takes work to keep it open and it takes courage and vulnerability to step out of that what we know into area's we may be challenged with.  At first its very difficult to pursue something new and foreign but over time the mind gets used to it.  Then the process of finding something new all over again begins.  As does the seasons of the leaves.

It's not enough to come in to the rooms and just get clean if we want to recover.  The continued movement of growth is where the continued awakenings will occur.  Life will hold passion and meaning each and everyday as we continue to hold our minds wide open.

Recovery is not easy.  Living life and growing is not easy.  However after we master a new challenge the strength  courage and gratification we experience is well worth the persistence and discomfort of stretching the mind.

Getting out of the Rut

**Repost**

Todays Topic:  Complacency

I think it's true for everyone in the world that life can get boring at times, we can all fall into ruts.   I definitely can relate to this before my current manifestation of drug addiction wreaked havoc in my life.  Understanding fully that I have always struggled with the disease of addiction I did enjoy creating the chaos my life had always been loaded or not.  However there were times in my 17 year marriage where I thought I was gonna poke my eyes out and suck my brain through the sockets if I had to preform one more menial motherly wifey task again.   It was at those time I could have learned what the blue book speaks of instead of creating the huge life changing dramas that I was accustomed too.

I have not faced this issue in recovery yet because I am still in the phase of.... Oh God please make my life simple....   I even have posters around my house with the accronym KISS.. keep it simple sweetheart.   I am so sick of the chaos of my mind manifesting in my life that I long for the routine of boredom.  Just as the reading states.   However now that I am learning I am not unique maybe I will start working on some preventative medicine now for this malady that is sure to strike me as I continue on this path.

I have learned that doing new things, however small they are, creates a passionate excitement within my spirit that is akin to the feeling of falling in love with that really cute bad boy.  You know the rush of a new relationship that us addicts thrive on?  Trying new things produces a measure of that feeling for me.  I can see how when my life gets to that simple that I strive for now, I will be missing out on that passionate feeling within me.   Dangerous zone for this girl to hit, as that's when I rush out and make some huge life changing decisions to shake shit up again.  Maybe already predicting the path I can make it my goal today to try something new once a week.

What's if every week of my life I strove to try something new, however small or large.  Wouldn't that create a really fun story for my grande children one day?  All the things grandma has tried in her life?    I am sure there would be some interesting things on that list.   I am getting excited just thinking about creating a list to create excitement!!    Today in early recovery everything is new, almost daily I am trying something new and maybe that's is the bases for the excitement the new comer feels.  Maybe I can carry this excitement for the rest of my life and not fall into the rut.... Ever?

Do you let your Trauma's Isolate you?

**Repost**

...'We felt different... Only after surrender are we able to overcome the alienation of addiction.'

Happy February, We made it through another month... Yay!

'Your not unique'  These words ring out in my mind when I read this reading today.  That saying would aggravate the piss out of me when I would hear them.  Yes I am unique, I am different  People are not like me.  These are all the things I would think when I was told I was not unique.  My friend and I have giggled over our thoughts of being from an alien race that was accidentally planted on this ridiculously stupid planet.  We are unique.

It is precisely this thinking that alienates us from everyone else.  For most of us thats completely okay... we don't want to be like you.  Your fucked.  Then we find ourselves loaded and alone, crying about how miserably lonely we are...' no shit, really?'  Even our God swears at us.

Looking at our differences keeps us as addicts and as nations at war with each other.  We all share similar arms, legs, lungs, hearts and minds.  We all were born from an egg and a sperm, we all had to go from a baby stage through adolescence.  We all breath air and drink water.  We are all the same whether we are arrogant about it or not.  And we all have a sob story to tell about our lives.  Thats what makes the human experience what it is.  We didn't land in the rooms of NA because our lives were filled with roses and butterfly's.  Get real.   We all have hardships.

It's through these hardships that we connect to each other.  It's through sharing these hardships that we become stronger.  It's through feeling the pain of another that ours is lessened   Together we stand, alone we fall.  That concept reaches way beyond the borders of NA, it's life.  Within the rooms of NA people get us... it's one of the few places we can completely be ourselves because we all share a commonality... we are junkies.  It doesn't matter how much you smoked or snorted or popped... to a non drug user you are a junkie.  They don't get it.  But we do.  The guy sitting next to you at the meeting tonight, will get it.  The girl speaking about walking out on her kids for a fix and not coming back for three years... will get it.

I write this as the aroma of weed wafts in through my open window and I am brought back to a nostalgia that I know will not be there if I brought that shit into my lungs.  Angry at the person smoking it for not getting the fact that I am an addict and that triggers me and if I use I will be lead back to the pits of hell... how could he be so insensitive   Oh right cause he is not an addict or if he is, in denial, he doesn't have a clue where that will lead me.  But the girl sitting next to me tonight at the meeting will get it.

We are not different in the rooms... we are the exact same.  We are all addicts trying desperately to recover from a seemingly hopeless disease.  We need each other to build a barrier between that hellish world and our new world of live and light.  So stop picking each other apart and stop thinking your better then, because your not.  We need you to be part of the circle, our recovery depends on you holding your part of the chain together  your recovery depends on me holding my part together.

So just for today I will let go of my uniqueness and embrace the principals of recovery I have in common with so many others.  My hardships do not exclude me from recovery: rather they draw me into it.

Thank you for letting me share

I lost the Us in Trust.

***Repost**


...."Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery"

This reading from the Just for today Daily meditation of Narcotics Anonymous has struck a bit of a sensitive nerve for me.  I lack Trust.

I lack trust in people in the program, in my higher power, and in myself.    I still operate from a place of people out to get me most of the time.  Although logically I know this is not the case, but emotionally it's hard not to fall into that trap.  Betrayal is a very real pattern of my past and trust does not develop over night.

A sponsor is the first person in an recovering addicts life that is suppose to help develop that trust for you.  Let me share my immature and unawakened experience with that.  My first Sponsor didn't save me from my first big relapse.  I understand today two years later that it's not a sponsors job to hold your hand and live your recovery for you, but at the time I did expect her to see it coming before I did and warn me of it.  Maybe she even did and I don't remember.  All I know is what I feel, and that was let down by her.  It is not a logical feeling...again with the logistics, but it is still a real emotion that prevents me from trusting.

My current sponsor I got through an entire set of steps with but feel I never really trusted.  She seemed like she was putting on a caring show when we were together  not that I am saying that is indeed what she did but it felt like it to me.  Her and I didn't share similar experiences.

From the outside looking in people could say I am creating my own trust breaking situations and holding people up to impossible expectations.  Which is probably true hence why I am unawakened in this department.  I am in the process of moving away from my current sponsor and am on the look out for a new one.  I question myself why this is.  And I think the answer lies in this reading... trust.  I got open and vulnerable with this person and now I want to get as far away from them as possible.

Part of me believes that a fourth and fifth step should be worked with someone you don't know and can truly leave it with.  Part of me feels your first set of steps should be handled the same way.  It's a complete let go of the past, a physical parting if you will.  Or is it a cop out of my vulnerability   My ex boyfriend who was a walking Blue book used to say I could only get vulnerable to a point then I shut down.  Am I blocking my sponsor out because I can't get more vulnerable because my lack of trust?

It's not that I don't trust everyone, I do have some remarkable friends within the rooms of NA that I do trust. I have friends outside of the program I do trust.  I think for me it goes more to the level of trust that I need to pursue further.  I don't talk about my past with people, and have a hard time truly telling them how I feel at the moment.  This is such a difficult process for me and I see why recovery takes years to fully heal from the years of self abuse.

So Just for Today I will decide to trust someone.  I will act on that trust. (Or at least begin to try)

Thank you for letting me Share.

Are you stopping the Flow of Recovery?

**repost**


...." We must give freely and gratefully that which has been freely and gratefully given to us"

http://www.12step.com/articles/narcotics-anonymous/na-just-today-daily-meditations

This reading is a gentle nudge forward for me.  For the longest time I have kept myself in the newcomer category taking in and absorbing everything I can.  These past few months i have felt the pressure to begin giving back and have gotten pretty resentful about it.  Claiming that the newcomers were sick and I didn't want to get sucked back there again, so no thanks I will continue to stick to the old timers and draw off their energy.

Spirit can be pretty brutal when you open your mind to what your higher power has to say.... I am experiencing that right now in this moment, that above paragraph is not what I had intended to write about this JFT.  Ugh.  (pausing to reflect)   Awareness is the first step, acceptance is the next one.  I guess I have been in this phase for a little bit just not aware of it.  I knew I had to move forward lest I slide back again as I have numerous times.  The fear of taking another step forward holding me to the comfort of what I know works.

One of my reasons to relapse in the past was the fellowship and how sick they all are and how I want no part of that.  Completely arrogant about the fact that I too was and am still sick as well, otherwise I would not have fallen roughly into the rooms in the first place.  When I did stumble in my first sponsor caught me and Loved me so fully and completely that I couldn't stand the affection.  It was so Alien to me.  But she just kept on loving me even when I lashed out and was rude to her.  She was practicing this reading, she was giving back what was given to her when she walked in the room... Love.

Newcomers will never get better if they don't receive the Love that was given to you.  It really does not matter how much clean time you have, if your heart is opening it can be shared.  Acts of kindness are so tiny yet make such a huge, huge impact on the receiver   A newcomer may not have the answers yet, or the spiritual awakenings to share but they have a set of arms to hug with, or a pair of eye's to smile with.

Now that I have worked the Steps and have had several awakenings it's time for me to move beyond accepting that it's time for me to give back and actually take some action.  I have set up a womans only meeting that is doing fairly well.  My service to the organization is growing, yet I still have not reached out to a person, just created a platform.  My next challenge will be to begin making friends with the broken women that walk through the doors.  It's now my turn to catch a stumbling woman and love her back to health.

It's the circle of life... Keep the love flowing.  Hording it turns it toxic within your soul, I have learned from personal experience.  Love needs constant expression to grow within you.

So just for today the gift of recovery grows when I share it.  I will find someone with whom to share it.

Thank you for letting me share

Are you ready to take Action?

**repost**


....."Do we understand that we have no real control over drugs

http://www.justfortodaymeditations.com/

Reading the daily meditation in a, 3x with your heart style, has opened a whole new door of understanding for me.  If you missed the post a few back where I discussed the new way taught to me to read the JFT, I encourage you to skim back and find it.  It is a highly effective way to receive the spiritual lesson contained within the words.

Step One says we are powerless over Drugs and that we must surrender this.  In the beginning I must admit the overwhelming feeling I got from working the questions in the Surrender section of Step One all inclusive.  I thought that was it, the miracle happened and now I was cured.  :):):)  Always wanting the instant gratification, this program met the bill.  For about five minutes anyways.

Taking the step to clear my house of all dope was a sad process, I felt like I was saying good bye to my best friend.  Yes a friend I now hated and whom had destroyed my life so I was as equally happy to kick the grass to the curb, but I had to acknowledge my sadness too.  Treatment taught me to grieve dope like the death of a loved one and to allow the process to unfold in it's own way.  ...Ya two years later and only 90 days clean, kinda ignored that advice, didn't I?

As my program moved further I had to limit contact with my oldest daughter who was my main smoking buddy.  This was the hardest thing i have had to do in recovery.  She didn't understand it and I didn't want to do it, but I just kept relapsing when we were together. Each relapse was worse and I got meaner to her each time, beginning to blame her... which was a very dangerous place for me to be in as I already alienated my mother from my life from the same blame.  I couldn't lose another family member that way.   So for months we only talked on the phone until I felt that we could have a brief family dinner together.  We have worked our way up and can now spend an evening hanging out as a family with many rules and constant follow up about not discussing drugs current or past.  She has finally gotten it and now is a bit more supportive of where I am coming from.  However I needed to take some tough action in this area.

My recovery still grows today with the Sponsorship side of things.  I still feel like I self sponsor and need to let go of that and begin reaching out more with major decisions and even small decisions in my life.  I see that step one is a constant action step.  Sometimes I get tired and weary of the constant climb.  Then i remember how great that last step with my daughter was and now feel re-motivated to seek out a sponsor that I can trust to help guide me in my recovery.

Where feelings are concerned many other addictions have manifested themselves to help me to still avoid my feelings.  A step one is being constantly worked on each and everyone of those ways of avoiding as well.  I guess when I really come to think about it, Step 1 is gonna be my daily companion for a very long time.  Peace they speak about in the reading today has not been achieved by me yet, I am still learning to get there... maintaining will be a whole new Step to climb.  Man, by the time I am there My head will surely be in the clouds looking right up Gods Skirt!!

So Just for Today I will take all the action necessary to practice the First Step.  I truly believes it applies to me.     ( One foot on Step one and one on Twelve.... Look at me doing the splits!!)

Thank you for letting me share, I am a recovering addict named Arial.

Staying Humble in Your Program

**Repost**

....'We can never fully recovery, no matter how long we stay clean.'     (Jan 28 JFT daily reading, Narcotics anonymous)

Before going into what my spirit received from this reading let me first address the controversy this reading brings up for me.  

At the beginning of some meetings there is a per-amble that is read called 'We do Recover'.  Some addicts believe that we do recovery fully from this seemingly hopeless disease.  That belief has trickled over from AA who do speak highly of full recovery.  I dated a man who claimed to have been fully recovered only to see him relapse, but not before convincing me that there was some truth in full recovery.

One of my closest friends would counter the idea of full recovery by stating exactly what this reading states, our disease will never go away and she is not about to tempt fate, she will just stay an addict thanks. 

 I on the other hand refused and still do today to label myself constantly as an addict.  To me to state that daily is to keep myself held bondage to a label that will never allow me the room to grow.

But ..... that belief has kept my rebellious nature alive and well.  Thus affording me several relapses.

So maybe it's time to take another look at it, from a different angle maybe...

 Addiction is much like the disease of diabetes or cancer.  It can be managed but will never go away, it's in my mind and there is no way to eradicate it. 

 I can choose to transmute it into a new energy that benefits me and my community or I can let it run wild.  Keeping it healthy means keeping treatment up.  As with any other illness of the body an illness of the mind needs constant attention and care to be manageable.  This is where I falter.  I get lazy and run from the label ignoring the work needed to actually overcome the it.

Attending a regular meeting is part of the treatment.  In the early days of recovery so you can hear the message and in the later days to give the message.  Plus I now feel the power of fellowship and connection the minute the serenity prayer is spoken at the beginning of the meeting.  I am filled up with a magical power beyond my understanding.

Working the steps daily, either solid straight through or focusing on area's that need attention after they have been worked in their entirety.  Not rushing and understanding that I will need treatment for the rest of my life.  The steps are part of my pathway, the journey of my healing

Keeping up with a sponsor, switching to a new one if your looking for new lessons to be learned. Keeping connected to a support group that understands my disease is crucial.  Supports are important in any area of my life, but to have people understand why my brain work the way it does affords me a tremendous amount of relief that other supports just cannot offer. 

 Keeping my program fresh is the key to constant growth.   If I am getting bored it's because I am not growing anymore.  This I now have personal experience with after relapsing with over a year clean.  If I am not moving forward I am slipping backwards.

I do fall victim to wanting to get my old life back, pre-drugs, as it was a good one.  I have learned the hard way though that I must make room for NA in my life no matter what path I am pursuing because it is my treatment.  

However my treatment is not my entire life, NA is but the avenue that opened up the rest of my life to me.  Some people make NA their entire lives and that's okay for them, it's their path.  I am grateful for their path, it's these people that built a world foundation for addicts to recover.   For some members NA is ten percent of their lives and it's enough treatment for them and then they live a very productive life in society.

For today coming off a relapse I am making Narcotics annonymous sixty percent priority in my life and my girls and household forty percent.  In a few months whn I go back to work I will need to flip those numbers.  I do know however that when I am in the recovery percentage of my time I am fully one hundred percent focussed on recovery

  I just kept trying to move back out into the world too soon and without keeping a line tightly tethered to NA and my treatment plan and I ended up sick each time.

At over 90 days clean, yet two years in active recovery I am tired of getting sick.  I am the only one in full control of my treatment.     ....So Just For Today I am an addict every day, but today I have the choice to be a RECOVERING addict.  I will make that choice by practicing my program.

Thank you for letting me share,

Moving out of your Comfort Zone

**Repost**

...We learn new ways to live.  We are no longer limited to our old idea's.

I never cease to be amazed when the reading from the Just for Today of Narcotics anonymous seems to fit exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.  Of course not every single day is like that, but every day does provide food for my spirit.  Today's dose has lifted me out of my old coping style of depression and has given me freedom to breath with the rest of my fellow addicts that are struggling to learn new ways to cope in our late ages.

The reading spoke about many of us not being taught right from wrong or how to live as children, but no matter because by the time we got into recovery we barely knew how to function in society.  This idea in one swift line released my parents from years of torment in my soul.  Years of blame can be erased just by taking responsibility for my own choice to pick up and get high.  I have friends that grew up with me and they never became addicts and although they have some personality defects to work through they have not made their lives a mess like I have.  We all have a choice how to cope... we addicts chose what seemed to be a softer easier way at the time.

My spirit helps me to realize also that all of us addicts when we come in the rooms are broken children who lash out and hurt others.  I lash out and hurt others.  I am hurting today, last night no one showed to the meeting... a meeting I really needed and I took it personally and was deeply offended by all the women in my fellowship. It took a long deep meditation to bring me out of that hurt and pain, last night. I am grateful for the 11 step.

Reading the JFT has reminded me that we are all hurt people and we are not intentionally trying to hurt others, we have not found a new way to act yet.  With time we will all become more caring compassionate human beings as will I.  Being gentle with oneself is the very first step to be gentle with others, being honest with oneself is the first step in being honest with others and protecting oneself is the first step in letting others know how you feel and what you need from them.  Some phone calls will go out this week to ensure there is a more solid attendance next week, my recovery depends on it.

Learning a new way to live means stepping up and doing things that you have never done before.  It means reaching out and taking advice and trying it even if you are skeptical   Moving out of your comfort zone and into something new is all about learning.  I watch my 12 year old daughter struggle with homework some nights and wonder if I could push my brain that far to learn something new today?  It is not easy to retrain the mind, it is not easy to shake old belief patterns and it is definitely not easy to learn a whole new way to live when your rounding forty years old.  However if I want any hope at a better life for the next half of my life, I better start dipping my toes into some new waters.

So Just for today:  I know more about how to live than I did yesterday,  but not as much as I'll know tomorrow.  Today I'll learn something new.

Thank you for letting me share,

Are you God-Centered?

***Re-post from Jan 2013***

I was taught a new way to read and absorb a daily meditation last night at a workshop I attended put on by one of the women in the fellowship with over fifteen years clean.  She taught us to read the meditation three times and pause for a few minutes in between each read and let the meditation absorb deep into our bodies.

 I love to meditate and have been practicing many different forms of it for well over ten years, but whenever I was placed with a book that claimed to be about daily meditations I never really got it.  Reading a page daily found me a bit of inspiration but never anything that sent me to the moon the way my Oracle cards do.

With the Just for Today daily meditation book of Narcotics Anonymous, I would read it and pick apart my experiences and how they compared and then share what my mind came up with.  Last night I had one of those spiritual awakenings the program speaks so much about during the mediation for January 26th.

A line in this reading states,'Our self-centered minds believe they are capable of getting everything they want....'.  Still acting from a place of old self prior to awakening, I picked this line to share about because I could relate to it on a personal level.    That is me for sure, I am always thinking I am grander and more talented then I really am.  This society pushes for us to reach for our dreams and work hard for them and that just fuels my desire to go for dreams that do not fit me nor am I capable of. I recently just realized I am much more content raising my daughter and living a simple life and that is quickly growing into a beautiful dream for me. I am tired of striving for dreams that are just formulated to prove my self worth.

Today I am awakened to an new level of understanding.

The second time the reading was read I was faced with the wondering...is  my mind the self centered part of me and my heart actually being the part that I was to live from?  As I seemed to have received the reading the second time around from my heart and not my head.  I was then reminded of the 'I Can Do It' conference I had attended  last year with a whole whack of spiritual holistic healers that spent the entire weekend teaching three thousand people to make the journey from there heads to their hearts.

18 inches is the longest and toughest journey you will ever take, they preached at this conference.  Finally something clicked in me and by the third time she read the reading I understood how to move out of my self centeredness and into God centeredness.

Slow down and let information process through my heart and not my head.  Breath in what people are saying.  Let actions seep into your soul instead of referencing everything from your logical mind.  The mind will always be self centered no matter what, but when you bring it through your heart it will be received in love and you will be guided by love instead of your overzealous head.

How do you do this you ask?  Work the twelve steps and pay particular attention to step 11.  But even just in this moment now stop what your doing and feel your body.  Close your eyes and let all focus move into your body.  Feel your chest cavity, ask your higher power to fill you up with some love and pay attention to where that feeling is in your body.  Once you have that feeling hold it.  Open your eye's and now read your daily mediation.  Pretend like your higher power is reading to you, the words are directly from them and you receive it in your heart not head.  At the end of the reading close your eye's and bring yourself back to the feeling in your chest cavity or where you felt the divine love filter into your body.  Do this three times and by the end you should be feeling something and if not.... Don't stop until the miracle happens,  try again with tomorrows meditation.

The conference may not have reached me but the Twelve steps did and they can too for you if you work them to the best of YOUR ability.  Some people need to work the steps several times to finally fully understand.  I worked step 1-3, 3x before I made it all the way to 12 without stopping.  I am grateful I got it and now can share it.

So just for Today My guidance and my strength comes from my Higher Power, not from my own self.  I will practice the Twelve Steps to become more God-centered and less self-centered.



May 15th, 2014  ****

I wrote this a year and a half ago.  I thoroughly enjoy watching how much I have grown and changed since then.  I can also see a difference in the way i write and present myself.  This is thrilling for me.  But I wanted to add to this post current understandings on this topic.

 Learning what your good at takes practice and a connection to your higher self.  How can you know what you like if you don't know yourself??   Life has so many distractions to keep us from truly hearing our own inner voices.  How do we know our higher powers desires when we are so conditioned to follow our ego's??

  I relate it well to a romantic relationship that is being forced and not meant to be even if there are feelings of thrill involved.  In many relationships I see unfolding around me if their was a level of self honesty involved people would know that the lust they feel was just distracting infatuation.  Their intuition would be sparking them to this knowledge.  i know romance right now in my life is not my path, but I force it anyways.  Because i have free will and can.

 I love being outdoors but that does not make me a good landscaper.  I love creating landscapes but lack the patience to actually put the work into making them of good quality.  I have no desire to cultivate the patience.  Its not my passion, Hypnotherapy is.  Astrology is.    I am learning today what I am and am not good at and what my real dreams are and what they are not.  We can manifest anything we want, we have free will.  but it doesn't mean we are good at it.  Some actors never become great because its not their true passion, some people make lousy product even though they love making it... it is just meant for a personal hobby maybe and not a business.  We are always striving for the top and not all of us can sit there, some people need to be the strong foundation at the bottom and some people the builders in the middle and thats okay.  Being true to ourselves and following our god-centerdness is the way we find where we fit into the puzzle of life. We all have a part to play in the web.

Heal Yourself and You will Heal Others

**Repost**


...We see it happening among us everyday.  This miraculous turnabout is evidence of a spiritual awakening.  -Basic text p.51

Watching others grow in the program is what has taught me that it works.  Upon entering the rooms of NA I was a beaten soul, completely lost and without hope, confused and scared shitless.  I didn't follow the guidance of the recovered addicts that went before me and I just kept relapsing.  This reading speaks to where I have been and now where I can enjoy the experience of watching others come into the room in the same shape I was in then and know that if they work the program to the best of Their ability they will regain some hope in their lives.

For me through watching others who came into the rooms at the same time as me, who share the same original clean date, take one year tags and yesterday two year tags.  Thats where the miracle of trust has developed for me.  I couldn't do it for myself when I first came into the rooms, my self loathing still far to deep even if I was utterly destroyed.  Watching my dearest friend work her ass off to take that first year as I was just coming back from a harsh relapse was the most humbling experience for me.

I remember the pain and the joy I experienced that night as I shared my congratulations with her and a packed room.  Trying so hard not to make the sharing about me, I focused on where we both were when we came into the rooms and how she was this beautiful strong flower now blooming wildly and with so much color.  The whole time inside I was almost withered and dead.  I had just spent the last four months in a white cocaine cloud with my supposed to be recovering addict boyfriend.  My life had taken an opposite path as her shortly after we both took our 60 day tags.  I was just getting back on path then and the harsh reality of the turn I took was underneath the words of pride I felt for her sticking to the straight good road.

Do the work and reap the benefits, it's a simple program they say.   As her family shared how much their lives had changed because of their mom getting clean I was faced with more of my own harsh realities.  I just kept dragging my kids through the mud.  It was that meeting where I made a solid commitment to myself to put in the work.

I can't sit here and say I didn't relapse again, because I did, twice.  However they were slips and I came back almost immediately.  I worked the twelve steps and built an incredible support group up around myself.  Because of working so hard on my program I can honestly sit here and say I feel hope again, I feel my life beginning to mend and as I watch the newcomers come in I am filled with compassion for where they are at.

This reading reminds me to take a gentle approach to my over zealous want to help them and show them the light.  It was the over zealous sponsors that scared me off in the beginning   A wounded animal has no trust and needs space to come to you.  This is why we let them reach out to us.

So Just for Today, I will find joy in witnessing the Recovery of another.

Thanks for letting me share.

Is it Isolation or Alone Time??

**Repost**

 I just posted in my other blog about the importance of taking a day for yourself, yet struggled internally with myself.. Wondering if I was isolating or really needed some down time.  I am made aware of the strong desire to isolate when I am going through some feelings.

Reaching out is the hardest thing for me to do.  I always feel like I am imposing on people.  Why would they want to hear about my problems??  Thats the resentful part of me, the self centered part has different reasons for not reaching out.  What will the person want in return for helping me through something?  Much of the time I think that it's better just to work through it myself and not get others involved they just complicate things.

Except now having worked through an entire set of twelve steps, what I seen as complication before was actual healing and healing is sometimes a messy process.  Reaching out is about healing and getting better from whatever it was that caused you to want to isolate in the first place.  We all have a story and each of our stories involves a level of pain and hurt that has caused some of us to close up and protect.

We are not isolated beings at birth, we are social creatures and need that interaction.  Without it we die slowly.  It's a proven fact that a baby that does not get held, will surely die.  That does not change as we age, our bodies may physically survive but everything within us fades into the darkness.

Today I want to be alone, is it isolation or is it just wanting some alone time?  I struggled hard with this when I was cancelling my appointments and planning for a day of watching movies.  As I began beating myself up, I stopped myself and checked my past few days and the next few days... they are all packed with being around people and fellowshipping.  I don't believe I am isolating, I believe I am practicing self care and recharging.  Learning to spend time alone with yourself I think is very important as well.  A saying in the rooms... 'An addict alone is in poor company indeed'... I think in the first part of recovery this is indeed true, but there comes a point where we must learn to love ourselves and spend quality time with getting to know who we are.

I am a person that takes all advice to heart and when it doesn't work for me I blame and cut the source out of my life.... Learning to be more tolerant and accepting has been a process.  One that I am sure I will still be working through for years to come.  Not everyone is the same even if we have similar appearances or similar behavoirs.  We are all unique and not all advice will work for us.  Learning to listen to your body, mind and spirit is the practice I think to tapping your intuition and seeing what advice works for you or not.  I have been so disconnected from all aspects of myself that this is the true lesson I am facing.   Building trust with myself.

So looks like a nice day home, relaxing and watching movies!  I will get back to the grind tomorrow.