...We learn new ways to live. We are no longer limited to our old idea's.
I never cease to be amazed when the reading from the Just for Today of Narcotics anonymous seems to fit exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Of course not every single day is like that, but every day does provide food for my spirit. Today's dose has lifted me out of my old coping style of depression and has given me freedom to breath with the rest of my fellow addicts that are struggling to learn new ways to cope in our late ages.
The reading spoke about many of us not being taught right from wrong or how to live as children, but no matter because by the time we got into recovery we barely knew how to function in society. This idea in one swift line released my parents from years of torment in my soul. Years of blame can be erased just by taking responsibility for my own choice to pick up and get high. I have friends that grew up with me and they never became addicts and although they have some personality defects to work through they have not made their lives a mess like I have. We all have a choice how to cope... we addicts chose what seemed to be a softer easier way at the time.
My spirit helps me to realize also that all of us addicts when we come in the rooms are broken children who lash out and hurt others. I lash out and hurt others. I am hurting today, last night no one showed to the meeting... a meeting I really needed and I took it personally and was deeply offended by all the women in my fellowship. It took a long deep meditation to bring me out of that hurt and pain, last night. I am grateful for the 11 step.
Reading the JFT has reminded me that we are all hurt people and we are not intentionally trying to hurt others, we have not found a new way to act yet. With time we will all become more caring compassionate human beings as will I. Being gentle with oneself is the very first step to be gentle with others, being honest with oneself is the first step in being honest with others and protecting oneself is the first step in letting others know how you feel and what you need from them. Some phone calls will go out this week to ensure there is a more solid attendance next week, my recovery depends on it.
Learning a new way to live means stepping up and doing things that you have never done before. It means reaching out and taking advice and trying it even if you are skeptical Moving out of your comfort zone and into something new is all about learning. I watch my 12 year old daughter struggle with homework some nights and wonder if I could push my brain that far to learn something new today? It is not easy to retrain the mind, it is not easy to shake old belief patterns and it is definitely not easy to learn a whole new way to live when your rounding forty years old. However if I want any hope at a better life for the next half of my life, I better start dipping my toes into some new waters.
So Just for today: I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today I'll learn something new.
Thank you for letting me share,
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