Even though the awareness was dawning, acceptance was still trailing far behind. It wasn't until my home group meeting last night that I heard the reading again. The females passion for the reading began to shine a light on the words that I missed that morning. When yet another lady even high lighted a line during her sharing my acceptance was blown wide open within my soul. It took the three times for it to enter my entire being... (I used to read the reading three times, hmm.... where along the way did I stop?) Following the natural progression of Awareness, acceptance and action......I am now embarking on action.......
I have been losing a battle with my character defect of depression. Depression makes me miserable and begins to close my mind. Three of the topics from the last few days, hence why the eye ball gouging attack in yesterdays post. I was losing out on a self honesty moment, for which I am taking right now. I have learned that my higher power gives me several chances to bring things to the light. When I fall in to a character defect my Ego takes over and I begin to focus on others instead of myself.... that was a clue in the blog readership comment of yesterday
My character defects are the shadow side of my nature. I am not of the mind set that we need to be rid of them entirely. Nor am I of the mind set that these can become positive qualities in our lives. They are on the shadow side to provide balance and humility in our lives. When a defect becomes front and centre and it's not acknowledged with humility it becomes an Ego issue and then you are back in your addictive personality all hell will reign if you can't tap your Higher Power of Light.
My defect of depression has a purpose in my life. I have tried to eradicate it. I have tried to conquer it, I have even tried to embrace it in Love. No matter how I approach it, It is a deep unmoving part of my over all make up. It is a shadowy part of me that serves a very real and very appreciated function in my life. When I slip into this depressive zone I am being communicated with by my soul that something is amiss in my life. Something is not right with my thought process. When this is not addressed the depression continues until I am hopped up on four different types of anti depressants.
Today identifying why the depression lingers in my inner world points to the patience being asked of me over this Job situation. I have a great prospect on the table, from an interview last Tuesday. The interview went fantastic and I was tentatively offered the job. The owner however wanted to give a fair shot to each of the interview's that followed me, so he agree;d to follow up with me by Monday with his final outcome. This prolonged waiting has my mind digging in to all the reasons he could find not to hire me. My negative mind is in over drive.
Nurturing myself and upping the self care routine is what is truly needed here and keeping busy doing things that help me feel productive and worth something is the action that needs to be taken. Anything that triggers a feeling of inadequacy feeds that depression.... working out feeds it today because I just feel all the extra weight. Things that work in other reasons depression is brought on, aren't working here. Finding the equal light objective of the shadow cause is what I realize today is the new path, or new way for me. My mind is speaking to me about all my past work regrets, I need to counter with action that reinforces my worth and confidence to do a good job. I am glad I finally figured that out... the day before the last day!!!
Yesterdays post had me running away because I couldn't understand what was going on within me. I always run when I lack understanding. For many people they get angry and fight when they are confused or feeling insecure. I don't I run to safety and find peace and hopefully the answer befalls me then. Although in the mean time sometimes I run really far away and get lost. I am a runner not a fighter. I prefer that defect over the fighting one, I see how many people get hurt in a fight based on fear. Again balancing the defect and turning it over to your Higher Light Power is the ultimate key to unlocking the door to your full balanced potential.
So with all that said I am not turning this blog into anything other then it was intended to be. A twelve step recovery blog. The journey still continues for me, your invited to continue to journey with me and my crazy butterfly mind.
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