I love looking from the outside in, watching people come away from drugs to shift the way they deal with life. Many of us turn to food, sex and relationships to act out through after dope or alcohol is removed. Truly not that we didn't act out that way before when dope was still in the mix. Yet when we get clean the acting out becomes more hilarious, sometimes bordering on ludicrious.
I enjoy this topic because its the one that I am processing through the most. I act out in so many ways. I ramble on and on about my eating issues. I lightly touch on some sexual stuff. I blast anyone who will listen with my issues over a guy that I got hooked on in the rooms and now struggle to get over. Yes I indeed act out.
Yesterday I posted about feelings and how we are not our feelings. Our actions speak volumes and we can choose the feelings we wish to act on, or how we wish to act on a feeling. This topic today relates closely to that one. Acting out on our feelings.
This is not just a drug addicts problem, or an alcoholics or even any of the co-dependants of the world. This is a problem for anyone who lacks self discipline. Its a large part of growth into acquiring self discipline. I am sure everyone can raise their hands at being caught up in a love affair they knew deep inside them was not good for them, yet they continued it any ways. The feelings too intense to ignore or discipline. The feelings to great to even want to discipline. Yet over time those good feelings turn to crap and we are still hanging on to that person. Now from a place of comfort and fear of change. This is what the addict faces when she wants to clean up from dope but cant let go.
Disciplining our feelings is something if we were lucky enough, something our parents taught us. Delayed gratification has tremendous impact on our sense of self and achieving quality over quantity. I am a quantity girl.... more is way way better. Right?
Not?
I am learning today that I keep falling victim to the feelings I had with this guy so long ago that I can barely remember them, yet I get twinges of excitement as he creeps back in to my thoughts. The same kind of excitement I get when dope creeped into my thoughts. Why is that, when I know the disastrous end will hurt me?
Acting out is just that..... acknowledging the feeling, glimpsing the consequences and saying 'fuck it' anyways.
I have acted out for so long that I lack any sort of discipline trigger in my mind to stop me in my tracks. That is until recently. And I mean really recently. I am beginning to grasp the larger picture of my life. I can see where it is heading on the good road and am beginning to value that end result. The results of stability, success and overall happiness.... from within my core being. As I see myself clearer all these false feelings and instant gratifications begin to fade into the darkness with the addict I am leaving behind.
Self discipline comes with the desire for a better future. I don't believe discipline is an act one should attempt until they have a clear vision and passion of where they want to be. Or at least a harsh reality of where they don't want to be. Its through motivation that people want to clear out the obstacles. Its what we would teach our clients to reach their goal weights..... in this case, seeing is believing If you can see your future happy and free of the pain acting out brings with it, then you will strive for discipline to make it happen. At least thats the way it works for me.
Everyday lately it seems I am having to practice self discipline in All areas of my life and with each challenge over come I grow stronger and more confident in my ability to live the life I know I am capable of achieving. With each fall I get humbled and keep my place by my higher powers side.
Today its seems like win win situations all around, as I head to an interview for a job that I want really bad!!
Till next time... Live in Love.
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