3 Paths to Personal Power

Why do I beat myself up so much?   I slept in this morning.  Why do I always feel so let down when I sleep in?  I know its my favorite time of the day.  Before the world wakes up it's so peaceful.  I write the best during that time.  These are the reasons why I beat myself up, but can I not allow myself one days grace to sleep in and enjoy the comforts of my bed until after the sun rises?  Can I not allow myself to get up with the rest of the world?

This crazy level of expectation of myself and God's will for my life is what I want to discuss today.  I have been challenged this week to stand in my truth.  The truth of my being and I have become aware of just how difficult it is for me to be true to myself and move away from societies expectations of me... and my own expectations of me.

There are so many avenues I could go with this topic, however I want to try to keep the avenues to culd-u-sacs to back the point I am trying to make.  I am definitely one for very quick digression so I am forewarning an apology if that happens.

Recently I made a decision to move away from a body of people and a program of recovery that I strongly feel no longer serves it's purpose in my life.  It was a very tough decision to make for me because it went against what I was taught to believe.  I cannot explain in detail how or why I made that decision as I am learning that our own higher powers work differently for each of us.  I just know without a shred of doubt it was the move I needed to make.

So why then when people challenge me on it, do I quiver and shake in my boots?  If there is no doubt in the decision, where does the fear of their accusations weigh on me like a tonne of bricks?

This is where the culd-a-sac's form, so bare with me.  Power is one culprit that wreaks havoc in my world.  Learning to stand in my own power and trust that my power is strong, true and worthy has been a difficult journey.  I am used to giving my power away.  Not so much to women but most definitely to men.  When a man questions me I am left second guessing myself.  Looking over my recent history with men I find pure disgust attached to the memories of where I allowed them to walk me because of my inability to stand in my truth.

I am learning to hold my power in the face of men.  I can say No and still be respected.  I can say I don't want to walk that way and hold on to my original plans.   In my past power outages with men I was so easily lead off course and today I find that I am standing more firmly in my resolves.

Let me drive out of that culd-a-sac before it becomes the freeway that it could be.

So making a decision and standing in the power of that in the face of a Male has been one challenge that I overcame this week.  I feel better and stronger after thinking about what he had to say and still concluding that this is the path for me.  I didn't feel the need to defend but I did want him to understand where I was coming from.

That is the second culdesac I want to drive down... Peoples Perspectives

Last night my eldest daughter got in pretty late.  When I heard her I felt disappointed that she had been out at the bar.  Quickly however I reminded myself that she hasn't been out to a bar in several weekends, Halloween I think being the last time.  It also dawned on me that she doesn't go out on the balcony before bed anymore and I have not smelled weed in the house for..... a long time.  So why was I agitated?

As I listened I could hear her and a boy giggling and flirting right below my bedroom window.  A sick rock dropped in my belly.  I was flashing back to where all those kinds of giggles had lead me in the past.  I began to pray that she not follow that same path.   I was a mess thinking about it.  I was just about to get out of bed and enforce my parental views on her when she said goodbye to him, thanked him for getting her home safely and came into the house alone.

My guts just melted then as I realized my daughter is a healthy, single, 20 year old.  She is not me.  I have never had a healthy single early 20's experience.  I do not understand where she is at, I will never understand it.  It was not my path.  I am grateful that I am smart enough to see that and can allow her the path that I worked so hard to be able to provide for her.

I fell back asleep understanding a fundamental truth.   We all have our own paths to walk.

As much as we can empathize with another we can never fully understand why they choose the things they do.  I truly could not understand how she could say goodbye and not go home with him.  Just like people from my recovery group struggle with understanding why I can leave recovery with the confidence I will not relapse.

The third culd-a-sac I want to peek into which is truly the one I must watch from becoming that, no speed limit freeway, in Germany.    Gods will vs. Societies standards.

My best friend and I spoke at length about this all week.  Touching on how we are conditioned to think by mainstream society.  Talking about our desires and how many times those are seen as negative and subdued. We dived into the rules of our world and whether they still serve us or not.  Funny because all probing exploration like that always takes me back to addiction.

The rooms of NA left a deep impression on the inner regions of my mind.  Part of the reason why I needed to leave and yet I embrace the wisdom imparted.  To become a productive member of society is to question it's functionality..... maybe not to always conform.  Having a strong set of moral values is necessary before confrontation however.... The rabbit hole deepens a bit with understanding where your codes of conduct come from.  Most morals are dictated by society, the circle a viscous one.

Society teaches us fast food and TV are completely acceptable forms of past time.  That's changing.  I have rebelled against both since the beginning of my time.  Why did I go against popular belief?  Because it didn't feel good.  When I fell out of grace with humanity and entered the world of the walking dead it didn't feel good either but I didn't care ( I was in too much personal pain to care).  Society has been pushing for years to legalize pot and sells billions upon billions of dollars in already legalized drugs.  A productive member of society says what to this?  Nothing because most people are in there own self created hells that antidepressants get them out of.   ... Uh ooohhh angry digression comes quick.

Quick flip.

Personally I don't care because I live my life from my higher self and not the waves of corrupt politicians looking to make a buck.

So if popular belief goes against my higher self's will for my life, how do I stand up to that?  Just about being mobbed at my younger daughters friends bday party was a rattle and a half for me.  I am not the popular little genie in a bottle, bewitched, witch amongst her friends moms.  As was made clear when another friend asked to come hang out at our place last night and was given a very shaky no.

Following ones path I guess takes courage and some sort of blinders to the ways of others.   Fearful accusations of others.  I am learning as well on my part,  it takes a bit of modesty and respect for other peoples beliefs and opinions.  A deeper understanding that others peoples opinions of me are none of my business.  But deeper for me still is to know that society is not always the leading fashion on whats hot and whats not.

Let me go just one more place in my experience with walking in my higher powers will for my life.  I work at a very unstable company where the owner is a young male trying to make it in the world.  He has great ideas and solid plans but it's been a tough go of it for him.  Some weeks I wonder if I will get a paycheck.  Yet my heart stays with him because I have experienced way to many coincidences and synchronicity's to ignore.   I am in the right pace even if it's a bit challenging.  I have never lost a paycheck and to be honest I have received a tremendous amount of bonus's.   Even with these understandings I proceeded to see a career counselor to get into school and become a social worker... a dream that I now believe was society approved.  After coming to the conclusion I would be a fabulous counsellor I felt that the path was not for me.  It was not easy setting up things in that direction.  The coincidences were not there and the drive to go in that direction was nothing more then ego based.  God's will for my life is to walk with this company and help it grow.

 I know that now only after I had to test it out.  Again I cannot explain how I know other then personal sign posts along the way that only I would get.  Communication with my higher power.

Being true to who you are and standing in that regardless of what society, your friends or your families think of you.   That's what I am learning today.  Having a foundation and a deep connection to your higher power are all musts before you embark on standing in your truth.  To be honest you don't have your own truth until you have made that connection to your higher self.  Or maybe that's not correct, your truth is to your ego before you make that connection to a higher place within you.  

I know today that without a shadow of a doubt I am in my higher powers will for my life.  Do I have fears?  Fuck ya I do.  Am I terribly uncomfortable... hell ya I am!   Do I rant and rave at my Goddess some days?  Yup, just as I would any mentor asking me to do something outside my comfort bubble.  Like tell the world I am a witch!  However the rewards that come with it are even greater then the sacrifice.

So here is too continuing to walk along MY path.  Sharing it in hopes that you find the courage you need to walk along your own path.  Here is to hoping we can all allow each other our own paths without judgment or condemnation.

 I love you in all your truth.

Her Will for Me and the Power to Carry that out

I am gaining weight again.  I have told myself in the past that when I begin to over eat there is something I am not dealing with.  I always move to immediate emotions being the culprit.   I am seeing now that it is sometimes a little larger but yet simpler then that.  It's a situation I am unwilling to confront.

My Oracle Cards of late have been speaking of avoiding confrontation.  As my mind moved to my little witch that could and her posse of little eager learners, I was side tracked by the real conflict.  An issue that I have been dancing with lightly until now.

Reading over my own posts and reviewing my own history has flashed some insight on the ways in which I handle closure.... or letting go.

 Oh shit..... here we go again!  She is letting the broken boy back in again!  

.... lol.....  No that's not what's happening, but I can see now that if I don't close the door on that option entirely it will be an issue again for me one day soon.  I will continue to cycle the same issues until I move on to something entirely new.  The confrontation that I need to have was brought about by other flashes of insight.

When I lost those two close friends from my change in lifestyle (from yesturdays post) I was very hurt and lacked understanding.  I didn't realize that I could not have my old life and my new life at the same time.  Like a puzzle the pieces just did not fit together.  It was terribly painful for me to let go of two women that kept me sane and happy for many years, I felt like I was betraying them.  Looking back now I see that my life was moving in a direction they 'chose' not to go.  I wish they had chose to follow, sometimes I miss them dearly.  This was flash insight number one.

Taking down the Focus cutout on my vision board was insight number two.  If you missed that post a few back I made mention to a vision board I have in my kitchen.  I put all the things I want to achieve on there as well as motivating sayings and such.  I had a cutout of the Ford Caption 'Focus is here for you because you are here for Focus'.  I originally put it up when I could not pull myself away from Dope.  Every time I looked at it, it reminded me to keep my focus on staying clean.  It worked!   Its been over a year now and I am clean.  However recently when I looked at it, before taking it down, it reminded me of that terrible struggle.  I was always flashing back to the horrors of addiction and my vision board was inducing feelings of shame.

When clients came to me to lose weight the first thing I advised them is to not put the fat picture on the fridge as a reminder of what they don't want.... but to put the skinny picture of what they do want.  It's more motivating that way.  My focus picture was motivating in the beginning but had turned sour in the end, it had become my fat picture.  My new level of living standards had raised, I had achieved it.  The awareness of other things that needed to move out of my life began dawning on me then.

I was unwilling to make that choice though to move on.  Deal with your shit..... lest your shit deals with you.  Man that's my favorite saying these days.

There is a third insight I have had but I think I will share it after sharing what I need to confront.   There has been a white elephant floating on these pages lately.  I have been trying to ignore it and replace my focus in hopes that, that was enough to move forward.  It's not though.  Damn.  I have always tried the cowards way first hoping that less people would be effected and that I would have to deal with less confrontation.

I understand now what it means to stand for something or fall for anything.  I have been dabbling my toes in standing yet have been unwilling to fully stand when it means there may be confrontation from people that oppose my decision.  Not even confrontation but even just causing people to make comment on what I have chosen to do.  I am still that really impressionable girl that falls for anything.  Learning to stand is.... yuck,  .......it's just really hard.

I have decided to Leave Narcotics Anonymous.

There I said it.  My all or nothing attitude it struggling so hard right now.  I was trying to gracefully slip out the back door keeping one foot in.  Just in case I needed it or it needed me.  My beautiful mentor last night said something though that clicked in a large way for me.  How can you walk into your future when you have a foot in the door behind you?

My counter question is then this, why do I even need to close the door, why can't I find my future and keep tethered to the rooms of NA.  This is what I have been processing for a few months now as my energy slips dangerously low.  The Focus slogan flashes in my minds eye.  What once gave me strength is now draining me.  I do not know why that it is.... it just is.  If I still felt good going to meetings this would not be an issue at all for me.  But I don't.

Even with the ill feeling I get after leaving a meeting, I could hear many many people share how much they didn't want to come to a meeting that night but did.  So I keep going.  Over and over I hear the same things drummed into my mind and soon I was feeling like a drone.  I would go tired and I would leave tired.  So I made a decision to begin to gracefully back away and move back into my spiritual circles where my energy was being renewed and I felt good.

Spirit had different plans.  The oracle cards warned of a confrontation.  I am flashed back to gracefully falling out of grace with my two best friends.  It wasn't so graceful the cowards way.  I just started avoiding them.  I didn't understand.  Ignorance is bliss.  They were still angry and threw that energy at me, maybe even angrier.  I am no longer ignorant, nor can I take the cowards route.  Not because I don't want to.... I do, but because Spirit isn't going to let me.

Another member of my home group basically put it on the line for me.  If I was not going to attend every meeting then I must back down completely from my service position.  At first I thought that was pretty harsh.  Being a treasurer of a meeting that had very small sevenths, I wasn't really concerned about it.  However maybe that was wrong on my part and this was the time for me to step out.  See how my first thought was step out not up.   I cannot commit to a meeting every week even if I wanted to.  My work is where I draw my strength from right now and when the snow flies I must too.  It has fallen every weekend for the past four with the exception of the most recent, yet I still had to work to clean up the recent Friday snow fall.

Between work, my self care, my daughters and my new adventures I just do not have time or energy for NA.  I feel bad about this because it is that path that lead me out of my darkness.  It was those meetings that fed me the light when I was still too sick to fill myself.  I am reminded that what I put before my recovery I will lose.  Again my interpretation of this has changed... I now understand my recovery is my self care, my mothering and my job.  My recovery is listening to Gods will for my life and having the courage to follow it.

I have nothing but amazing things to say about NA.  Just as I have nothing bad to say about my two best friends that chose a different path then me.

We all have our paths.   For awhile I believed that my role was to stay in NA forever and give back what I had been given.  In my narrow focus I was only able to see sponsorship within the rooms as a way of giving back.  However now I can see all the ways in which I have brought the twelve steps too people outside the rooms that need them yet don't have any addictions.  I see how great my giving back has been and that's what feels good to me and that's where I want to go with this.  Sometimes I even wonder if My Spirit brought me through the doors of NA for the twelve steps alone.

The third insight I had is from a dear dear broken boy, that I did truly love.  I did fall in love with a man from the rooms.  The insight came in understanding the cycle of recovery and the getting caught in that cycle.  I have always believed that we cycle through things, issues, situations and all matters of such.  When we complete a cycle we are given an opportunity to break out of that cycle and step into something new.  This is often scary and many people choose to stay in the comfortable norm of the old cycle.  This is what this man had experienced for way to many cycles to count.  This is where I am at now.

I have an opportunity to move on to something new.  In order to move into that something new I need to take both, let me say that again... both feet out of the door.  I need both my feet to launch off the ground.  There is no way to keep one foot in your old life and still move into your new one.  Knowing what your life path is and knowing who you are helps in understanding where you are suppose to go.  I really did believe my life would be forever NA, but the more I get to know myself the more I realize that is not the truth of Me.

I will sign over my treasurers books today and let go of the crutches that have held me up these past couple of years.  I will close the door once and for all on the darkness of my past and move into the light of my future.  I have been sitting in this limbo since Samhain when I blogged about ending this chapter in my life.  Again with the trauma of letting go I struggled.  Yet.....Where there was once tremendous fear, now i am filled with a sense of relief and excitement.   Like the college kid leaving home... I am ready to re-start my life.

10 Steps to Lighting Your Sacred Flame

**Re-post**


I have been playing around on the jungle gym of my mind this past week.  Tossing the ball around power, personal power.    Its always been a fascinating subject for me, energy.

I was laying in bed this morning debating whether to get up and start writing or just lay back for a few more minutes and enjoy the day off, when the power went out.  ........Giggling to myself I thanked the Goddess for the power outage on my block and continued to enjoy the warm comforts of my big bed.  Playing even more enjoyably in my minds playground over the significance of the power outage at the exact time I was formulating a blog post around power.  This is what they call synchronicity.

I have started a new Magical Program by Silver Ravenwolf.  Having completed the twelve step program in it's entirety, I have new found confidence that programs I had once started in the past but failed to complete are now an option for me to try again.  When I first embarked on the Magical path Twelve years ago it was Silvers book 'How to Ride a Broomstick' that initiated me.  Now I have moved more to the inner realms of my spirituality with her book 'To light a Sacred Flame'.

The thing I think I missed entirely in my learning's the first go round with my chosen path was the inner part of the workings.  I never spent any time or effort working on me.  I was too focused on getting what I wanted in life.   I lost sight of the foundation for which to build my wants and desires on.

As within, So without.

I never understood that metaphor fully until now.  When my inner world is messy, hurting and chaotic, that reflects in my outer world.  There is absolutely no hiding from that.  No amount of food, drugs or TV can mask what is brewing underneath your surface no matter how hard you try to ignore it.  Actually in my experience the harder you try, the deeper into the pits of the underworld you go.  As my bestie always says..... deal with your shit.  I can now add to that..... before your shit deals with you.

So ....powering up.

Silvers focus in her book right off the top is about the ten ways in which we tap into our personal powers through magic.  These ways is what I want to share with you here.  Some of these ways are definitely for the little kitchen witch that could, however most can apply to anyone wishing to get to know themselves better.  Tapping your higher power, or your higher self is a must I believe for everyone on this planet... it would be a much happier place if we all lived from our sacred flames 24/7.

Self individuation is her first way to personal power.  In my life I see this as getting true to who you are.

Know Thine Self.

It has been a terribly uncomfortable and exciting process of getting to know myself over the past few years.  This is the category of self care for me.  Speaking up and setting boundaries when I need to.  Taking care of my personal needs like housing, health and happiness.  Honoring my feelings and taming my thoughts.  After the self care is in place then it seems the doors burst open to my passions.   The things that I like to do and be become known to me.  This is where the power pulsates for me  With each new thing I learn about myself I fall more in love with my higher being within.  This is where confidence grows and my foundation is created so that I may stand for something, lest I fall for anything.

I have worked hard through the twelve step program to get a deeper understanding of my own sense of self.  I can see now that no matter what path you take once you make that first step you will walk the entire journey in your own time..... even if it takes a lifetime.  But I am about to digress and this is a big post so I should get back to it.

In perfect Love and Perfect Trust reach out to the God/dess of your understanding.   I find this is the concept I am most driving home to my daughter as I teach her the ways of the craft.  Every path is dark without the light of a universal energy guiding your way.  Every religion has a Deity, there must be something in that belief.  I used to question the Goddess's plan for my life, I used to defy that plan.  I am 39 years old, I am too tired to rebel anymore, going with the flow is just easier....  And now I am understanding way way more fulfilling as well.  I cannot explain why having a belief in something works the way it does.  I cannot explain the power that comes from fully trusting in that universal power.  I can share with you that when you finally do let it in and begin to consciously work with it, your life becomes a string of good things.  That's really all I have to say about that.

I have been thinking deeper on this third way of drawing in power that will benefit all people not just my ritual creating sisters.

Call upon your ancestors.

In magic we often call upon the ancestors to aid us in our energy work.  In everyday life I call on my passed on Grandma for guidance.  Advice for my life patterns that I am now aware have been cycling my family for more generations then I can count.  I think looking into our history and understanding where we have come from helps us tremendously understand who and why we are the way we are today.  The power comes in being able to breaks those cycles of defeat and draw on the positive traits of our ancestors.  I struggle with the family concept in this lifetime and feel I derive much more positive power from my friends then my bloodline.  Yet when I look further back then just the physical line of today I can see that my great great great grandparents where something wonderful and along the way that wonder has been lost.... I can tap that and pull that back through learning my genealogy.    A new passion is building now... hmmm, food for thought?

I am going to combine the next two into one paragraph because they are pretty self explanatory.  Animal totems and past lives.  

Knowing what animal energy walks with you is a great way to draw on its lending energy in times of need.  To find your animals there are many ways online that can teach you methods to tap into that guidance.  Past life regressions can give you immediate answers to why things are playing out in your life today.

I had a spontaneous dream regression recently that shed some much needed light on a situation that I was really struggling to understand.  Through this regression I was able to see that it wasn't in this life that the problem occurred.   I was just dealing with some residual stuff.  Knowing that helped me let go and move on.  These are personal beliefs that draw power for me.  Finding positive personal beliefs that you can draw power off of is the concept behind these two ways.

Power of Manifestation is the Sixth way to gain personal power.

This my friends is the one I jumped to right off the bat when I began this path and let me tell you..... not advisable.  It is this power technique that give witches a bad name and the 'Secret' it's fluff.   We all manifest everyday in every way.  Our thoughts become our actions and our actions create our reality.  It is the simplest truth of our world today.

The power comes from taming your thoughts and focusing your actions into an intent that will not only benefit you but those around you.  This is why there are five personal powers before this one.  When one has divine guidance and is also in a place of Love then one will manifest wonderful positive things.  I have been on the other end.  An angry hurt witch is a woman to be feared indeed.  In my blinded rage of what I perceived as a universal injustice I sent shocking vibrations of destruction to everyone within my energy range.  I buried my children, family and friends under the rubble of my anger.

Our lives are a direct result of our own inner worlds, deal with your shit before your shit deals with you.  Manifestation is focused intent on creating an outcome that suits you.  It does not distinguish between an ill intent or a positive one.  It is this realization that kept me locked in a drug induced stupor for a few years.

This seventh form of drawing personal positive power to your life is the one I am currently working on now.

  Banish all negative energy from your world. 

 Negative influences can come in the form of things you ingest into your body... for me it's coffee and sugar.  It can be in the form of what you read and watch, violence begets violence.  It can come in actions that suck your energy out, sleeping all day does that for me.  It also comes in the form of people.  Being an Empath I cannot and mean truly cannot be around people of a different vibration than me.  It messes me up and I have yet to learn how to stay stable in my own energetic vibration.

Several years ago I had two best friends that when we were together we would sit around for hours drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and complain about the skinny bitches of the world.  In a rapid turn of events I lost all my weight and so too these friends.  I was hurt and couldn't not understand why they were saying I had turned my back on them, to me I felt like the same person.  I realize now though that I wasn't the same person.  I no longer smoked or drank coffee, I couldn't just sit around and I was now that skinny bitch we gossiped about.  In my positive creation of my life the negative was removed.  Not so much an easy thing but a necessary one.  I am there again as I move on with my life.  Not easy.

My favorite by far is this one... Go with the seasonal flow of energy.

I remember complaining to my mentor years ago that living in the North messes with people seasonal flows.  You would think because we are known for our harsh winters that it would force us to slow down.  Nope not in oil country when our men go away for the entire season and the wifes are left on there own with there five kids.  We get busier in the winter.

Although we are slowed down somewhat and if you know how to set boundaries you can indeed continue to go with the flow of the season.  I love that I am a landscaper because I personally experience the season for 8-10 hours each and every day.  I loved the busyness of the summer but detested the transition of the fall.  Which fall being my favorite season was double trying to me.  I am happy to be in the peacefulness of the winter now and am kinda already dreading the rush of the spring.   Being connected to the moon and the sun are very real, very powerful ways to draw down energy.... it is because of these ways that I choose the witches path.

As with most programs I have learned from, giving back is always one of the last ways to draw power into your reality.  Being of service to others is why we live in communities.  Being connected to each other is why we have an existence on earth.  Learning how to function in society and giving away our gifts of self is what draws the deepest happiness into our beings.  However we can only truly do this when we have mastered all the other ways of drawing down power.  We can only give what we have to give.  To jump to this before working on yourself will create an energy vampire out of you and trust me, nobody likes an energy Vampire.

The last,         Finally.... fuck, I never thought she would stop talking!     .........but the most powerful way to draw energy is through Meditation.  Learn self hypnosis  To be able to be calm in the face of adversity is what truly ascended people have mastered.  Inner peace.  Serenity.  All chaos ceases to exist in your reality.

That my friends is how I am learning to draw down my power because I gotta tell ya, I have been struggling lately with my inner light bulb.  The summer kicked my ass and I am sure feeling it now.  I find I am having to limit the ways in which I expend my energy.  My job needs to come first as this leads my self care regime.  My self care is right alongside that followed very closely by my daughters.  After those three things, I find I am really limited in what I can do.  I am powering up through these techniques as well as reaching out to my support group.  Knowing what I can afford energetically has been a very tough lesson for me as it leads me back to relapse and the world of darkness where my rage lead me already once.  I have no desire to return to that place so this lesson is one that I will get this time around.

This is my giving back.  I hope that it helps you in some way.  I send love through these words and if your open to receive them then let them fill you full for this day.  Happy trails my friend.

Mothering the Little Witch that Could

The Moon is pregnant with brilliant white energy for you to tap into today.  Did you encounter the crazies last night?  We did here!   Man there was a mother/daughter or sister's just screaming at each other in the apartment close to ours.  It was so intense that it could have been a few apartments away.  Full Moon.  Many of my relapses occurred during this time.  One of my Ex Broken boys would always show back up in my life while the bright globe was floating through the sky.

That's what the moon does for us, draws to our attention to what has been building all month long.  It is the ripe seed ready to burst through the ground that we planted at the new moon.  This is how the witches flow. With the energy of the earth, through the moons ebbs and flows.  Today she is in her full power.   At this very moment of me writing this, she is at her fullest.

After this mornings meditation, I sat in the glow of her showering sparkles.  I prayed for guidance on how to better stand in the truth of who I am.  I have been faced with a situation this week that I scarcely had the understanding on how to act.  It has taken me a couple days to figure it out.  I have figured out what was wrong with the picture, but not yet how to correct it.

Let me explain....

I came out of my broom closet last post, which was a few days ago.  I declared I was a Pagan and skated the ice going as far as saying I was a Witch.  I did so with hesitation.  The Goddess has called me on that and pushed me into a situation that is going to make or break that declaration.

Here is the story to how.....

That same day I wrote that post declaring my personal spiritual beliefs it seems my daughter was doing the same. It was the same day she came home from school in a bundle of beautiful energy.  That day she had been initiated into a Coven and was a Witch!

How Eerie did I feel knowing that I too had just announced to my little world that very same thing?  I kid you not, even in my magical experiences do these coincidences ever get old or cease to surprise me

She spoke animatedly about her role in the coven, her given identity and how many girls were involved and who was a true witch and who was just learning or interested.  She spoke of being able to impart her wisdom she had learned from watching me all her years.  She glowed from her excitement over being accepted into a social circle, but more still I think she shone the brightest about truly standing in something she knew held tremendous power for her..... she just found a piece of herself.  To some this could be seen as a fun kids game, but to the girl who started it, who's aunt is apparently an acting Pagan, and to my daughter, they understand the power generated in a group with the same common goals.

As she asked me question after question, I realized she was really serious and had been watching me closely over the years.  She absorbed much knowledge and was now looking to fine tune some of that.  She was very concerned about getting it accurate before taking it back to her new coven sisters.  Her respect and sense of responsibility to the group abundantly apparent.

My love and excitement grew at the understanding this brought home for me.  Two things were happening here.  I had been praying nightly for the divine to bring her new friends and something to do as she was always lonely and moping around the house.  Secondly upon my declaration that same day I was becoming very aware of just how connected this child and I are.  I have now had enough awareness to accept that what I think and do with my energy directly effects how she acts in the world.  This brings me back to the apple doesn't fall far from the tree analogy.  Children  do turn out just like their parents.  It's not all on monkey see and monkey do.  It is a direct correlation to your energy as a parent.  The energetic umbilical cord is still there apparently, feeding your child your secret actions.   But I digress from the story.....

It was not even twenty four hours before this excitement of my daughter exploded into something that I felt scarcely ready to handle.  And I now have confirmation, I did indeed handle it poorly.

After school the very next day my daughter brought home a friend, a sister of her Coven.  Both girls were bubbling brooks of excitement as they dove head first into what they wanted to do immediately.  A Spell.  But before the spell, seeings as it was Friday, could she please sleep over mom... please??   I never have a problem with sleep overs at my home, so it was with no hesitation that I said yes.  The other mom being a good mom, was a bit more leery having not met me yet, said no.  I can respect that.  The friend had till suppertime and then had to go home.

The girls had grand plans of working a brilliant spell in that time frame.  Looking back I probably should have not gotten involved and let them go ahead and search through our numerous books of spells.  However over my own excitement of fresh young inquiring minds I could not resist answering their questions and getting involved in the process.

This was were mistake number two came in.  Mistake one bring not to recognize, Mom of friend was not happy that friend was even at my home without permission... I broke integrity and respect with mistake number two.

Before I work any spells or rituals (and just a side note for the people not familiar with spellcraft, working a spell really is just a fancy way of saying a prayer. it invites your inner child into the process making it a bit more fun and interactive.  You can achieve the same results a spell gives you with a simple heartfelt prayer), I ground and center myself.  This is so important to tap into your inner power before working magic.  Just as it is important to go into meditation before prayer.   So I asked the girls if they would like me to teach them how to ground first.

The answer was in the rush to the basement where ironically I had just finished creating my ritual space.  They were both sitting cross legged on big cushions eagerly awaiting my guidance by the time I got down there.  I got caught up in both their excited energies and this is where mistake number three came in, two being the action of teaching another persons child something without getting said mothers permission.

Oh, the mistake pile just keeps building in my new found path... growth is never pretty.

As I began to take the girls inner visions, with a guided meditation, into the center of the earth.  Diving down into the heart of her inner fire I guided them to draw that energy up into themselves.  This was a mistake as a practitioner, where I should have been focusing on more earthy cool energy to subdue there already excited fire energy, I fed more of there fire energy.  I proceeded to pull down the sun after connecting to the earth, where at this time of the month it should have been the moon and her cool energy again.  This is a lesson for me as someone who wishes to guide people through a meditative practice.  I remember one time leaving my best friend in a cloudy dysfunctional haze for a couple of days from a mediation gone bad.  Energy is serious business, one must understand it to work with it.... my understanding still grows.  And so did the situation.

After leading them through this grounding which indeed had the opposite effect.  I fed fire to fire.   I now had two extremely excited girls on my hands and a mother about to come to the door.

As the raps on the door hit three the friend pounced on her mom with the definite facts that she was a real witch now.  That she drew up mother earth and down father sun into her body.  And that she could work a spell to make a guy fall in love with her if she wanted to but won't.  And on and on she assaulted her mothers ears.  Mom stood with eye's wide open.

I sat mortified.  What had I just created?

Unable to speak, not having any idea what to say or how to diffuse the situation.   I literally just sat there stunned.  Good thing that Mom knows how to live in the real world and handled the situation with grace and ease.  Smiling lovingly at her daughter she nodded her head and ushered her daughter into her snow gear.  Gracefully directing the conversation to me where we formally introduced ourselves and proceeded with the new moms meeting small chat.  Within a few moments the whole ordeal was over.

.........or so I thought.

We are given several attempts to stand in our truth, each one getting a bit more uncomfortable.

I spent that evening feeling ill in my body not being able to pinpoint where I had gone wrong.    Not really understanding what was being asked of me by Spirit.  Had it not spoke volumes that my daughter came out of the broom closet the same day as me?  Had it not been wonderful to see so much excitement come from her?  The connection it created between us, is it not been wonderful?     I couldn't understand where all those good feelings had went.  I struggled that evening and all the next day with the yuck my body was presenting to me.  That evening as I took my daughter to a birthday party I was about to understand fully.

Dropping my daughter off at the party was not the problem, picking her up was a different story.

Upon arrival, being the last parent there, as I always seem to be the last to show up, there had been a wide discussion.  Some what of an argument between daughters and parents.  The topic:  whether to let the girls sleep over at the daughters house of the Witchy mom who would weave her satanic spells over them.

.................... of course it was not as bad as that.  Darn felt like it though as I fell witness to a daughter again trying to convince her mom that witches weren't bad.  While the other parents just watched on in uncomfortable silence and I once again turned into a stone statue unable to speak.  My daughter being the trooper of unbounded confidence proceeded to explain inaccurately what a witch was.   I was amused with her confidence to speak up in the moment but salted by the inaccuracy of her portrayal of witchcraft.  Yet I could not open my mouth to speak my truth.  Mistake number four or better put opportunity missed number two.

In the end it was decided the girls would sleep over at the birthday girls house and I was faced with a whole new fear.  My daughter sleeping over somewhere else.  That doesnt happen, my house is where the girls sleep.  But that is a whole different parenting issue I needed to work through.... I did worry however of my daughter being alienated for her beliefs now that she had become so vocal about them.

What had I created and why couldn't I stand in that once I created it?  These are the questions I have for today.  This is what I drew down the moon for this morning.  'Show me how to act now mother', is what I pleaded.  Learning to STAND in my truth is way harder then just acknowledging my truth or even understanding it.  Now I must walk in it and face all the good sides and shadow sides of that truth.

Everything has balance and that's what this whole situation has shown me.  In my excitement I was brought to the responsibility that joy has with it.  As with all magic everything has a price.  As the Christian believe's there is a sacrifice for everything.  My bi-polar friends understand that with every high there is a low.

I now have to define what a witch is so that when I face these parents again.... like in a matter of hours when I go pick up my daughter.... I have an understandable definition of what it is I believe in and what I do with that.  It is here that I needed to come in order to work that out.

I keep coming to the visualization of the 60's hippie.  I feel most identifiable with them, less the drugs of course.  I believe in the earth and all her ebbs and flows.  I watch the progression of the moon because it effects the energies here on earth and that helps me better deal with life's situations.  I pray to a Goddess (as I am  female and feel the energy stronger through that female divine presence) and a God and I work spells as a means of interactive prayer.  I believe in an earth based religion.

Does that sound good?

I know standing in my truth is something that I must learn to do.  Not only in this situation but a couple others in my life too.  Life is not easy to walk through and doing the hard things is ironically what gives me the greatest satisfaction at the end of the day.  As I round the seasons end in my favorite show..'The united States of Tara' I am reminded of all the ways in which we avoid the hard stuff in our lives.  I have ranted that the chemical has always been the problem in my life, but its not.... it's my avoidance in dealing with the hard shit.  I finally have something that makes me feel alive again, like me again... something that bonds me and my daughter.  I need to protect that by standing in my truth of who I am and letting the parents make an educated decision whether they want to leper my child or not.  At least then I can walk away with confidence I did what I could and the rest is up to the divine.

Spiritual Laws to Guide Actions

I am  Pagan.

Hello my name is..... and I am grateful recovering Pagan.

That has more of a positive ring for me today.  I don't forget the other ways I have identified myself in the distant past, but today I am on a new path.  I would have identified myself as a Witch or a practicing Wiccan if those two words didn't still elicit some form of controversy from the majority of people.

Pagan is comfortable for me though because it has allowed me to branch out and explore different religions and spiritual paths.  I have great respect for the popular religion of our current time. Jesus has brought some deep truths to the light and has been the most powerful Spiritual leader of all time.  I don't choose to walk that path however because it doesn't resonate with me.  I have tried several times.

I have researched and worked with many paths and each one falls short of the electrical magnetic charge that practicing Wicca gives me.  I have shied away from the path many times for different reasons.  One reason is the faddiness of it, I dislike feeling like I am doing something because everyone else is.  I always like to go against the grain.  The second reason is the sheer power I have experienced through invoking the Goddess's and working spells.  It's funny because I am always seeking my inner power but when I tap it, I run to the corner cowering like a cat who has been frightened by her own shadow.

My current program of magical study has asked me to review the spiritual laws that I live by or strive to live by.  That is what I want to share here.  If you want to learn more about Wicca you may want to look that up on your own or I guess stay tuned to this blog.  I am out of the broom closet now, I am sure I will write more on the topic.

Crow, the Shaman says, means Law.  Crow surrounds me today as I work through my own self laws of daily governing.  The reading of the card speaks of shape shifting and I am reminded of the lesson I am on today about moving from one program to another, shifting from the face of an active addict back to my roots of a Pagan.  Ever being mindful of the slippery slope back to the past.  Moving forward my spiritual laws will keep me tethered to the light.   Where recently nursing the rooms of NA was my connection to the divine.  I am coming to understand we may walk different paths even within the same life.

Through the study of my many spiritual paths I have taken something powerful from each of them.  A friend along my journey had the opinion that taking a bit from here and there was not a full spiritual experience and to be avoided.  I disagree with her.  I think spirituality is very personal and the basic laws apply to everyone regardless if your ready to walk in them or not.  If one were to choose laws that only focus on the light and selfish indulgences, there will be a balance along the way somewhere.  For me it was my dip into drug addiction, where I walked into the Underworld with Inanna.

My Spiritual Laws....

1. 'Bide within the Law you must in perfect Love and perfect Trust'.  Deepak has this as his first 'Law of Pure Potentiality' in his seven laws to success.  This law means tap into you own inner light and realize you are never separated from the source.  Christians believe taking Jesus into their hearts is that pure Love and Trust.  Find your inner light and work daily to keep that relationship healthy.  When you are living from this place of Love on  regular basis all other laws are easy to work.   Live from you Higher Power.

2. Live you must and let Live.  We all have challenges and issues to work through.  Hiding from them is not the Wiccans way.  Face your shadows, the situations that are hard in life.  Set your boundaries, stand up for yourself and others that need your help.  The second part speaks volumes about holding your tongue and reserving your judgments of others.  Lest other people opinions become your business.

3. The Three fold Law of the Wiccan Rede says;   what you put out, comes back to you.  'The Secret' made this world recognized as the Law of Attraction.  Your moods and your thoughts dictate your actions.  Those actions directly effect your reality.  You manifest your reality.  If your sending out shit, that's whats coming back to you.  If you don't like your life right now.... look to the mirror for the reason.  If you love your life right now... Yay, your doing something that works for you, keep doing it.

4.  Self Honesty.  Lying to yourself is knocking your higher power out of your inner world.  Deceiving yourself cuts your connection temporally to the divine.  Being honest about how I feel is my constant struggle. The second law comes into play when I don't face my own inner truths.  I learn the hard way then and well thats never ever pretty.

5.  Anonymity.  This is a Law I have pulled from my twelve step learning's as the last one blends into that as well.  Witches and Addicts alike don't always want others to know about their chosen path.  These paths, as well as many others, are deeply personal and it's rude to call one out on their beliefs in front of people that may direct negative energy at them.  In the days of old, witches were hung for their beliefs.  It's serious stuff still today so be mindful of how you interact, in person and online with others.  In my excitement I still fall prey to this Law as a few others I am still working at.

6.  The Law of giving and receiving.  This is the Law I am most passionate about.  The 7th of the twelve traditions of NA speak of being fully self supporting and each meeting a basket is passed for people to put money in to keep the meetings alive.  My meeting barely survives.  An ancient spiritual rule was to donate 10% of your income to a spiritual cause as this kept the energy of money in constant motion and no one was poor because of it.  I put out as much as I can which is sometimes more then that percentage because I have seen how this comes back to me threefold.  I am fully self supporting today.  Taking this further also means energy and Love.  I still struggle with receiving energy and Love from those around me... working through it.

7.  The Power of Acceptance is a Spiritual Law I found online during my research that I loved and realize that I have been living recently.  If you have to fight for something, manipulate energy or overcome one too many obstacles to get to a goal.... it is not meant at this time for you.  It is not 'the work' we are talking about to achieve success.  The work is always internal work and then with that work comes the rewards in the external world.  You never have to force something that is meant for you.   .... This is a reminder for me in romantic relationships.

8. Seek your Life's Purposes.  Know your talents and share them.  Embrace your passions and seek an outlet for them.  Constantly keep learning and growing and relearn your new missions as you complete the old ones.  Life is a game.... enjoy it.

9.  The Law of Jesus says to be mindful of your earthly indulgences.  Overdoing anything fills that place of love with toxins and disconnects you from your source and your higher power.  We are meant to enjoy all the sensual pleasures of the earth... in moderation.  Anything above that moderation becomes a problem and addictions are seen as sinful and sin is an action of your lower self and not that of the light and higher self.

10.  The Last line of the Wiccan Rede states:  An ye harm none, do as ye will.

Those are my spiritual Laws that I try to live by.  They are not in any particular order.  They are not more important then the one after them.  They just are.  I am sure there are more I can add to the list but for now those are the one's that I am practicing now.  They all cover my morals and my integrity.  If I break one of these laws, spirit is very and I mean very quick to show me.  The counter balance to my action is felt almost instantly.  I am grateful for that, I prefer to face the consequences within the moment then to have to be a long term house guest of Hades again.

What are your Spiritual Laws?  What do you use to keep your actions in check?  What spiritual paths resonate with you?  What truths have you learned along the way?  This is by far my most favorite subject of all time... spirituality.  Such a mystical topic with absolutely no right or wrong answers.... just perspective.  A deeply controversial topic open for much debate.  I remember I used to love debating.  Hmmm.....something else I have recovered.

Happy trails my friends I hope your days have been interesting and filled with wondrous new learning's!

Moving On.. Walking the Unknown

'Focus is here for you because you are here for Focus'.   That is a cut out I have on my vision board that's been there for well over a year now.  I liked the car's ad because at the time I was having a hard time focusing on getting clean.  So I cut it out and pasted it to my vision board to help me stay focused on eradicating drugs from my life.

At some point along the way the positive energy of that slogan has lost it's power.  As my reality removes itself from my life of drugs I find the slogan has a sour reminder of the darkest days of my current existence.  My focus is changing, yet looking at that cut out day after day my focus is brought back to the desolation of my past.  Positive power now turning negative.  My focus has changed.

As I move away from that phase of my life, I find it difficult to transition.  My all or nothing attitude wants to cut everything and everyone out of my life that was either connected to my using days or part of my recovery from my using phase.  My desire to put that whole part of my life behind me is strong.  Letting go of the past in order to open the door to the future has always been an all or nothing thing for me.  I ask myself....' How has that worked for ya?'

Not very well.  I am just not all that graceful with change and transitions.  I am uncomfortable with the fact that my attention from the past two years is now shifting.  I am challenged with how to move away from that gracefully and with dignity.  I am faced with the fear of slipping back into dope once I give up my crutches.  These concerns have been my new focus for the past few months and quiet honestly they are sucking my energy out.

Learning to make decisions and not sit on the fence has always been a struggle for me. After reading a close friends story yesterday I know I am not alone in that.  I have been sitting on the fence. Hold on to my past year and what has worked, yet jump over the fence and move into new.   New and exciting ways of creating a different reality for myself.  I can't sit on this fence anymore, my ass is getting sore.  I took down the focus sign yesterday as I was deep cleaning my living room and kitchen.  As I rearranged the furniture to better suit the season upon us, I too began to change my inner world to reflect the changes within me.

So here it is......

I will no longer focus on addiction here in this blog.  I no longer want to beat a dead horse.... speaking of dead horse I had a pretty powerful dream about horses the other night that actually awakened me to this realization that I post about now.  Let me share the dream it is relevant......

..... I was going to meet my son at a restaurant.  I had a choice of taking my Shetland pony or my stallion.  I chose automatically the Shetland pony as I always did.   I was comfortable with the pony although it moved way slower.  I was in a rush however and knew that the stallion would be a way better choice... I was afraid of the stallion.    I didn't know him all that well.  After what seemed forever I decided  I would face my fear and take my stallion.  But when I went out to the stable to get him, he was gone.  I was upset.  When I got to the restaurant explained to my son why I was so late.  He informed me that some guy came and got the horse.  My horse was repo'd because I forgot to make the recent payment on him.  I was so upset that I finally got the courage to ride him and cause it took me so long to make that decision he was gone......

Horse means power.  The dream was telling me that I keep choosing this lower power because its comfortable and familiar to me.  My lack of making a decision to move forward and embrace the real power available to me is going to cause me to lose it entirely.  Self sabotage and lack of self care is going to be the culprit that does the dirty deed for me.  I woke up from this dream a few days ago knowing what I need to do.

It's time to move my focus off drugs and move it on to my life  moving forward.  I have an amazing support group around me that do not use drugs or overeat, woman that have learned how to handle and express their feelings and women that know how to live in the real world.  I have two beautiful daughters that keep my focus strong on my role as a mother and therefor my need for intense self care so that I may lead them into brilliant lives.  I also have a job where I am comfortable sharing my feelings and setting boundaries.  Divinity put me in the perfect place to learn and grow.. safely.

Now don't get me wrong, Social acceptability does not equal recovery.  I am not in the mind set that I have arrived and all is good now.  Actually quiet the opposite, I am shitting the bed over my decision to pull back from addiction focus.  I have been taught that anything I put before my recovery I lose.  And for me that meant if I am not going to at least two meetings a week and reading daily literature then I am sure to backslide.  I have come to realize that's not my recovery.  That was my treatment.

My illness is in remission and to keep it there I must not live in constant fear that it will return by keeping constant focus on it.  To keep it in remission I must have the courage to get on the stallion and move forward in my life.  I must practice self care at all times, I must keep learning and growing and I must give back what I have been given.  I used to also believe that giving back was only to other addicts, but my Higher Self has shown me otherwise.  I give back to my girls everyday that I practice taking care of myself and therefor teaching them how to care for themselves.  I give back through this blog.  I give back by helping other women who have experienced trauma in their lives practice the twelve steps... regardless of their addictive hangup.

Learning to walk in my own light and not be seduced by other people in their lights has been a challenge for me.  It's a scary decision to make a Stand for something.... to make a stand for yourself.  I don't handle peoples opposing opinions all that well.  I am still pretty impressionable and easily swayed to popular belief.  My lesson to learn in this I am sure will be just that.... learning to be the oak tree and just bend in the wind and not break.

So for my next post I want to share my daily meditation routine with you.  The benefits and spiritual awakenings I have had as a direct result of the practice is too great not to share.  I might even write a second blog today I am so excited to get on with my life!!   ........ Moving on.

Sugar Junkie takes the First Step

What does the disease of addiction look like to me?

This is question one in Narcotics Anonymous Step working guide.  I find myself back at step one admitting my life is unmanageable again.... but in a whole new layer of my never ending onion peel.   I think further study and research into what addiction really is, is called for today.....

Merriam-Webster defines Addiction as 'a strong and harmful need to regularly have something or do something'.  They go on to add also, 'an unusually strong interest in something'.  Dictionary.com says it's 'the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or something that is psychologically or physically habit forming, to an extent it causes severe trauma'.  I love the Free Dictionary by Farlex the best....1. 'Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit forming substance', or 2. 'The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something'.

I think to define addiction for me it would be the third example.  Any compulsive or repetitive action that takes my focus off myself and my own feelings is an addiction for me.  Focus is the key word of my addiction here.  Because I am learning addictions can sometimes be seen as healthy, like going to the gym and eating well.  However I remember a phase of my life a few years back that I was spending crazy amounts of time at the gym and eating so ridiculously well that I isolated myself from my family.  That was an addiction that truly cost me my family and a few friends.  I was revered for my weight loss accomplishment.  Those people didn't see how far I took it, and I think thats how you know it's becoming a destructive addiction.

I think there is truth right there in that last sentence,  addiction can only be seen by the people closest to the person because it happens behind closed doors, behind closed minds.  I guess this is where denial comes in... Don't Even No I Am Lying.  Well I can assure you I am not in denial about my current manifestation of my addiction.  I am hooked on Sugar/Starch.  It's my new kryptonite.  If I can't smoke up, can't get laid well then fuck it.... I am gonna get fat is my current thought process.

I know.... I know...... I have cycled through these three things so many fucking times in this past year, I am utterly making myself sick dealing with it.....

But that is why I am writing out a step one on it finally.  To let it go and be done with it fully.  I have learned that I don't need to work an entire set of steps for an issue, just the first one and then my higher power takes the reins and works out the rest of the steps in due time for me.  Having worked an entire set I can identify clearly when a step is being presented to me and how to walk through it... sometimes I don't always walk through it though... but this is a discussion for another time.    ........I have talked alot about the fact food is and has always been the main addiction in my life(dope only taking its place during my health kick) but I have never really talked about how and why it effects my life so much.  Let me run to the Mac's store and get some hazelnut creamer for my coffee and then I can begin the process of unloading my ill's caused by sugar.

... do do da da...... do do........ )skipping to the store, enjoying the fresh dusting of snow(........la la do do....

Okay so I am back.  Decided on chocolate truffle creamer to go with my German chocolate coffee instead.  I have to laugh at my own pattern.  Whenever I know I am close to the end of an addictive practice I have to go full out with it, like I will never experience the goodness of it again.  When I entered Detox for drug addiction they gave me twenty four hours before I could come in... I think an angel watched over me those hours because the volume and variety of drugs I ingested blows my mind today.  Yesterday I bought two bags of Hershey chocolates... you know because they were on sale... and I poured almost an entire bag in my mouth before I got back to my work truck.   Disgusting.   and I am not talking those little bags folks, I am talking the ones for five bucks hanging close to the till for the addict impulse buyers.  Yup yesterday is when I realized that this is getting out of control again.

What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?  Describe.

Three questions in to step one.  I remember when I began to eat healthy how disgusted I was with how much time I spent on thinking about food.  How much freer I was when I didn't have to constantly be stressing about food.  I was lucking because I was on a program that did all the planning and even all the cooking for me, but the realization that afforded me was well worth the cost of the service.  I can see now I was obsessed with food then.  I am back there again and desperately want that freedom that followed.

My first thought in the morning is how disgusting I feel.  My second thought is to beat myself up about what I ate the day before and the third though follows instantly of what I am gonna have for breakfast seeing as I feel like shit anyways.  After breakfast I am thinking of my lunch and as soon as lunch is done my mind is on supper, which is usually take out because I am too exhausted at the end of my day from eating empty energy to cook.  My mind then spins into the extravagant thoughts of an addict and goes for the gold, with trips to the Keg and other restaurants out of my budget.  This is where compulsion throws logic out the window and I am nose deep back in my shit again.... and my life becomes unmanageable.

Look at my recent trip to the Keg for example.  It was my beautiful daughters 13 birthday.  All our family was working that evening and it was just her and I.  Her birthday party was scheduled for the next night where her friends came over and  going to the movies was planned.  My mind taking the path it did, convinced me that the Keg was a wonderful way to celebrate her birthday, and it was.  But it had a sacrifice.  I couldn't afford her movie night the next night.  Writing that makes me feel sick. Getting honest always moves emotions within me.... ugh.   I have already apologized to my daughter.  My selfish addiction seen an opportunity to experience the 'good stuff' without explanation, never once taking into full consideration that the next night was my daughters choice of birthday celebration.  She didn't care about the Keg, I did, she wanted a movie night.  I sacrificed her birthday wish for my addiction want.  That my friends is what addiction is..... fucks with your logic.

So how has this disease affected me, physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?   This is the question I have been trying to get to, because it is these answers that bring home just how unmanageable my life has become on all levels and playing feilds.  Its reading what I write here that blows the shark out of the water with the harpoon.

Physically.... ah let me count that ways.  When I went from 230lbs to 150bls I felt the difference so

dramatically in the way my body moved.  I was light and able to bounce up stairs with barely any effort.  I could play fight with my kids without hurting them or myself.  I could get in and out of my vehicle, bed and the bathtub with such ease.  Feeling light was the most wonderful experience I had ever had.  Because I was also working out at the gym I could feel my muscles in my body and it was such a rush to feel my body move and all the muscles flex and relax as I walked.  I had no aches and pains anymore, I was astonished at how much weight effected my health and became disgusted with how much obesity plays a part in killing our health care budgets.  I also had more energy, I could get through my day on a healthy 6 hours sleep.... oh and I slept so much better not groaning when I would change positions in the night... and stopped snoring too!  These are all the things I am losing now.  Energy has been the first to go... I am officially in a food coma.  All I wanna do is sleep and lay on my couch watching TV.  Me, watching TV all night!!  The Apocalypse has arrived!!  I cannot manage my life from this state of inertia.  To get nothing done other then work.... (so I can have money for more keg outings).  How disgusting and devastating addiction is.... in EVERY form it takes.

Mentally.... This ties into the obsessive thoughts.  Addiction I believe is a large part mental, it's the things we tell ourselves that spin us deeper into addiction.  It's the mental process that keeps us hooked in the unhealthy cycle of low self worth and low self acceptance.  I have been trying to allow my body the rest and keep my thoughts positive but as the disease of addiction continues to progress even my positive daily affirmations have lost their power.  My morning mediation is but a formality these days, not holding the positive mind power that they do on a normal basis.  My mental state is skating on thin ice and this is where an uninformed person seeks out the doctor for the meds to make it all better.  This is where I know the most work needs to be put in, in order to recover completely from this disease... and trust me I believe in FULL recovery.  You have to do the work though, and that is not an easy task.

Spiritually..... When I overeat... even by a bite I begin to close the connection to my spirit.  Overeating harms my body and my higher power doesn't stick around for any harm inflicted upon her.  She has zero tolerance for this.  I can still pray to the God of my understanding and connect spiritually to the universe to a certain degree, but more access is granted to me when I am in good with my own intuition and higher self.  This self harm through food has made it exceedingly difficult for me to tap that inner light and that inner love I feel when I am clear of all self harm and inner toxins.  I have tapped that place several times now and can truly feel the void or disconnect from my inner light, which ironically makes me wanna eat more and seek outside myself that filler which my disease says is sure to make it better.  Addiction takes me away from myself, my higher self... addiction is self punishment and again my higher power cannot be present for that.

Emotionally..... And this my friends is the bottom line.  Food takes me out of my feelings.  Dope takes me out of my feelings. Sex takes me out of my feelings.  Getting into a romantic relationship takes the focus off my life and there for out of my emotions and replaces them with the instant filler of lust emotions.  Work takes me out of my feelings because I am too busy to feel.  I am forever getting out of my feelings  My circulation has been terrible these past few weeks.  My hands fall asleep when I deep breath for twenty minutes in the morning and my hands are asleep when I wake up everyday.  Louise Hay's book, Heal your life' says that circulation represents the ability to feel and express the emotions in a positive way.  I believe that every.... and I mean Every single physical ailment we have is based in an emotional issue.  When things get physical for me I perk my ears up and listen to my emotions...... or in a perfect world thats what i strive to do.  Every addiction issue I have always comes full circle back to my stupid unexpressed feelings.

As the onion peels, I am learning that feelings are more then the momentary waves of obvious identifiable emotions.  I am learning they run much deeper like the feeling of stress.  Learning how to identify stress in my world and then learning how to deal with it is a huge feat of recovery... it's doing the work.  Learning how to express sorrow of the break up of my marriage is the second step to accepting that I even feel sorrow over something that I choose to create, thus moving past the guilt and shame of it.   Wrapping my brain around that fact that I can actually feel an out of context feeling and not have to pin that feeling on a person or situation to be able to express it... learning to express it myself in a healthy way are gigantic lessons for me.

This is where I am at in my recovery.  Still trying desperately to cover up my emerging emotions with all the coping tools of my past... and with little success.  I am being forced... truly forced to move on in my growth process and well as normal I am doing it with the grace of a strong willed 3 year old.... throwing a tantrum in the grocery store.

So now that I have written out the first part of step one for you I should take pen to paper and really dig a bit deeper in the privacy of my beautiful living room before the chaos of my girls getting up hits.  I thank you for being a part of my journey and recovery, learning to share myself with others has not been an easy task, this form of sharing has eased me into face to face sharing that has proven to be way more effective then my mind could have ever imagined.  I am so grateful to you for opening that door for me.  Thank You.