Mothering the Little Witch that Could

The Moon is pregnant with brilliant white energy for you to tap into today.  Did you encounter the crazies last night?  We did here!   Man there was a mother/daughter or sister's just screaming at each other in the apartment close to ours.  It was so intense that it could have been a few apartments away.  Full Moon.  Many of my relapses occurred during this time.  One of my Ex Broken boys would always show back up in my life while the bright globe was floating through the sky.

That's what the moon does for us, draws to our attention to what has been building all month long.  It is the ripe seed ready to burst through the ground that we planted at the new moon.  This is how the witches flow. With the energy of the earth, through the moons ebbs and flows.  Today she is in her full power.   At this very moment of me writing this, she is at her fullest.

After this mornings meditation, I sat in the glow of her showering sparkles.  I prayed for guidance on how to better stand in the truth of who I am.  I have been faced with a situation this week that I scarcely had the understanding on how to act.  It has taken me a couple days to figure it out.  I have figured out what was wrong with the picture, but not yet how to correct it.

Let me explain....

I came out of my broom closet last post, which was a few days ago.  I declared I was a Pagan and skated the ice going as far as saying I was a Witch.  I did so with hesitation.  The Goddess has called me on that and pushed me into a situation that is going to make or break that declaration.

Here is the story to how.....

That same day I wrote that post declaring my personal spiritual beliefs it seems my daughter was doing the same. It was the same day she came home from school in a bundle of beautiful energy.  That day she had been initiated into a Coven and was a Witch!

How Eerie did I feel knowing that I too had just announced to my little world that very same thing?  I kid you not, even in my magical experiences do these coincidences ever get old or cease to surprise me

She spoke animatedly about her role in the coven, her given identity and how many girls were involved and who was a true witch and who was just learning or interested.  She spoke of being able to impart her wisdom she had learned from watching me all her years.  She glowed from her excitement over being accepted into a social circle, but more still I think she shone the brightest about truly standing in something she knew held tremendous power for her..... she just found a piece of herself.  To some this could be seen as a fun kids game, but to the girl who started it, who's aunt is apparently an acting Pagan, and to my daughter, they understand the power generated in a group with the same common goals.

As she asked me question after question, I realized she was really serious and had been watching me closely over the years.  She absorbed much knowledge and was now looking to fine tune some of that.  She was very concerned about getting it accurate before taking it back to her new coven sisters.  Her respect and sense of responsibility to the group abundantly apparent.

My love and excitement grew at the understanding this brought home for me.  Two things were happening here.  I had been praying nightly for the divine to bring her new friends and something to do as she was always lonely and moping around the house.  Secondly upon my declaration that same day I was becoming very aware of just how connected this child and I are.  I have now had enough awareness to accept that what I think and do with my energy directly effects how she acts in the world.  This brings me back to the apple doesn't fall far from the tree analogy.  Children  do turn out just like their parents.  It's not all on monkey see and monkey do.  It is a direct correlation to your energy as a parent.  The energetic umbilical cord is still there apparently, feeding your child your secret actions.   But I digress from the story.....

It was not even twenty four hours before this excitement of my daughter exploded into something that I felt scarcely ready to handle.  And I now have confirmation, I did indeed handle it poorly.

After school the very next day my daughter brought home a friend, a sister of her Coven.  Both girls were bubbling brooks of excitement as they dove head first into what they wanted to do immediately.  A Spell.  But before the spell, seeings as it was Friday, could she please sleep over mom... please??   I never have a problem with sleep overs at my home, so it was with no hesitation that I said yes.  The other mom being a good mom, was a bit more leery having not met me yet, said no.  I can respect that.  The friend had till suppertime and then had to go home.

The girls had grand plans of working a brilliant spell in that time frame.  Looking back I probably should have not gotten involved and let them go ahead and search through our numerous books of spells.  However over my own excitement of fresh young inquiring minds I could not resist answering their questions and getting involved in the process.

This was were mistake number two came in.  Mistake one bring not to recognize, Mom of friend was not happy that friend was even at my home without permission... I broke integrity and respect with mistake number two.

Before I work any spells or rituals (and just a side note for the people not familiar with spellcraft, working a spell really is just a fancy way of saying a prayer. it invites your inner child into the process making it a bit more fun and interactive.  You can achieve the same results a spell gives you with a simple heartfelt prayer), I ground and center myself.  This is so important to tap into your inner power before working magic.  Just as it is important to go into meditation before prayer.   So I asked the girls if they would like me to teach them how to ground first.

The answer was in the rush to the basement where ironically I had just finished creating my ritual space.  They were both sitting cross legged on big cushions eagerly awaiting my guidance by the time I got down there.  I got caught up in both their excited energies and this is where mistake number three came in, two being the action of teaching another persons child something without getting said mothers permission.

Oh, the mistake pile just keeps building in my new found path... growth is never pretty.

As I began to take the girls inner visions, with a guided meditation, into the center of the earth.  Diving down into the heart of her inner fire I guided them to draw that energy up into themselves.  This was a mistake as a practitioner, where I should have been focusing on more earthy cool energy to subdue there already excited fire energy, I fed more of there fire energy.  I proceeded to pull down the sun after connecting to the earth, where at this time of the month it should have been the moon and her cool energy again.  This is a lesson for me as someone who wishes to guide people through a meditative practice.  I remember one time leaving my best friend in a cloudy dysfunctional haze for a couple of days from a mediation gone bad.  Energy is serious business, one must understand it to work with it.... my understanding still grows.  And so did the situation.

After leading them through this grounding which indeed had the opposite effect.  I fed fire to fire.   I now had two extremely excited girls on my hands and a mother about to come to the door.

As the raps on the door hit three the friend pounced on her mom with the definite facts that she was a real witch now.  That she drew up mother earth and down father sun into her body.  And that she could work a spell to make a guy fall in love with her if she wanted to but won't.  And on and on she assaulted her mothers ears.  Mom stood with eye's wide open.

I sat mortified.  What had I just created?

Unable to speak, not having any idea what to say or how to diffuse the situation.   I literally just sat there stunned.  Good thing that Mom knows how to live in the real world and handled the situation with grace and ease.  Smiling lovingly at her daughter she nodded her head and ushered her daughter into her snow gear.  Gracefully directing the conversation to me where we formally introduced ourselves and proceeded with the new moms meeting small chat.  Within a few moments the whole ordeal was over.

.........or so I thought.

We are given several attempts to stand in our truth, each one getting a bit more uncomfortable.

I spent that evening feeling ill in my body not being able to pinpoint where I had gone wrong.    Not really understanding what was being asked of me by Spirit.  Had it not spoke volumes that my daughter came out of the broom closet the same day as me?  Had it not been wonderful to see so much excitement come from her?  The connection it created between us, is it not been wonderful?     I couldn't understand where all those good feelings had went.  I struggled that evening and all the next day with the yuck my body was presenting to me.  That evening as I took my daughter to a birthday party I was about to understand fully.

Dropping my daughter off at the party was not the problem, picking her up was a different story.

Upon arrival, being the last parent there, as I always seem to be the last to show up, there had been a wide discussion.  Some what of an argument between daughters and parents.  The topic:  whether to let the girls sleep over at the daughters house of the Witchy mom who would weave her satanic spells over them.

.................... of course it was not as bad as that.  Darn felt like it though as I fell witness to a daughter again trying to convince her mom that witches weren't bad.  While the other parents just watched on in uncomfortable silence and I once again turned into a stone statue unable to speak.  My daughter being the trooper of unbounded confidence proceeded to explain inaccurately what a witch was.   I was amused with her confidence to speak up in the moment but salted by the inaccuracy of her portrayal of witchcraft.  Yet I could not open my mouth to speak my truth.  Mistake number four or better put opportunity missed number two.

In the end it was decided the girls would sleep over at the birthday girls house and I was faced with a whole new fear.  My daughter sleeping over somewhere else.  That doesnt happen, my house is where the girls sleep.  But that is a whole different parenting issue I needed to work through.... I did worry however of my daughter being alienated for her beliefs now that she had become so vocal about them.

What had I created and why couldn't I stand in that once I created it?  These are the questions I have for today.  This is what I drew down the moon for this morning.  'Show me how to act now mother', is what I pleaded.  Learning to STAND in my truth is way harder then just acknowledging my truth or even understanding it.  Now I must walk in it and face all the good sides and shadow sides of that truth.

Everything has balance and that's what this whole situation has shown me.  In my excitement I was brought to the responsibility that joy has with it.  As with all magic everything has a price.  As the Christian believe's there is a sacrifice for everything.  My bi-polar friends understand that with every high there is a low.

I now have to define what a witch is so that when I face these parents again.... like in a matter of hours when I go pick up my daughter.... I have an understandable definition of what it is I believe in and what I do with that.  It is here that I needed to come in order to work that out.

I keep coming to the visualization of the 60's hippie.  I feel most identifiable with them, less the drugs of course.  I believe in the earth and all her ebbs and flows.  I watch the progression of the moon because it effects the energies here on earth and that helps me better deal with life's situations.  I pray to a Goddess (as I am  female and feel the energy stronger through that female divine presence) and a God and I work spells as a means of interactive prayer.  I believe in an earth based religion.

Does that sound good?

I know standing in my truth is something that I must learn to do.  Not only in this situation but a couple others in my life too.  Life is not easy to walk through and doing the hard things is ironically what gives me the greatest satisfaction at the end of the day.  As I round the seasons end in my favorite show..'The united States of Tara' I am reminded of all the ways in which we avoid the hard stuff in our lives.  I have ranted that the chemical has always been the problem in my life, but its not.... it's my avoidance in dealing with the hard shit.  I finally have something that makes me feel alive again, like me again... something that bonds me and my daughter.  I need to protect that by standing in my truth of who I am and letting the parents make an educated decision whether they want to leper my child or not.  At least then I can walk away with confidence I did what I could and the rest is up to the divine.

Bowled Over by Other Peoples Thoughts

Letting other peoples opinions sway me has always been an issue of mine.  I never really understood this as such until very recently.

When someone I respect, or someone that I feel is an authority on a subject makes a comment about me, that comment seems to seep into all the little pockets of my brain.  Like their words hold this magical power to create that comment within me even if it is an inaccurate observation.

I never realized that this was part of my struggle to stand in my own truth.  I am forever believing what others think of me.  Even when what they believe does not resonate with me at all.  People who have lots of experience with a topic of belief are the ones that sway me the most.  Its not that i believe every little waif that strolls in and out of my life.  No it's the ones that other people respect and that are truly women standing in their own powers that creep into my mind and have me second guessing who I am.

It's not like these women mean to knock me over with their opinions.  They are just stating their observations from their perspectives.  I am just coming to learn that any perspective outside myself is a jaded one without all the information.  So there is no way the observation is entirely accurate.  This is me learning how to stand in my own truth.

I have heard it said many times that if something bothers you about something someone says to you, look within to find the reason.  I took that as I am wrong and they are right.  Which I am now seeing is not correct all the time.  Some of the time it indeed is, but some of the time it is actually the opposite.  The opinion that bothers me is the one that I am needing to learn to stand up too.

I am not talking about huge hurtful comments here, I am just making reference to two separate opinions by two totally different women about two completely different topics that both had me pegged inaccurately.  Simple comments but none the less the lesson was not lost on me.  I am slowly learning what my truths are through the comments of others.  I am learning to identify the inner naggings that follow interactions with others that just don't feel right.  I am learning to follow my own light instead of being mindlessly lead by another.

I am seeing how much I am becoming my own person.  How much stronger I am getting in my own confidence not to accept other peoples realities as my own.  I am creating my own reality and I am loving it.  My reality is way more imaginative and enjoyable and for that I am coming to love my life.

I normally don`t post first thing in the morning like this, however I really needed to fire this one off before it got lost in the depth of my over worked mind.  I do have another post thats much more spiritual and I am not sure how it would be received here that I would like to write later tonight, but we will see what spirit has to say about that today.  Have a great day folks!  Stand in the truth of who you are and know that not every comment made by the people you respect are accurate.  Go within for that answer.

A Tale of Living Dirty

I need a new computer, this one just is not great for blogging.  It overheats and then crashes losing me all my hard earned sentences.  I have been on a spending spree these past few weeks maybe I should be planning my expenditures and getting myself a new computer instead of the Egyptian cotton sheets and sun stone ring.  Treating myself is not something I am used to and maybe am getting a bit carried away with it.  Food for thought I guess.

Rambling even before I begin, good sign or not?   I have been off on a grande adventure these past few weeks.  I have been slinking in the shadows instead of standing in my Power and Light.  Processing my lesson and licking my wounds in private before stepping into this page to share them with you.  It's time to share the full story and move on.

Here is my side of the current tale....

Long ago I had a wonderful sponsor, a new budding friendship and a beautiful ending to an obsessive romance.  Long ago in my story is about three months back.   Three months later I have a new sponsor, a destroyed friendship and a new obsessive romance came and gone.  How quickly time travels in the shadowy depths of the land of fire.

Let me begin with the budding friendship as this  is where the bulk of my pain resides.   She is a beautiful woman who I thought struggled with the same affliction I do.... a weakness for the bad boy (Assuming makes an ass out of me and u... just saying). I invite my new friend for coffee to gain insight and direction over letting go of the current manifestation of my obsession, bad boy number one, previously mentioned several times at the beginning of this blog.  I sought out this friends advice and support.  I was desperate for change and freedom from how my disease was playing out in my life.  I felt she held the answers for me, she too was getting over a bad boy.

After an amazing deep conversation where I got a multitude of inspiration and empowerment I felt the need to gift her in return of all she had given me.  As a reiki practitioner I offered her a treatment which she eagerly accepted.  I was happy.  I offered her my advice and gave back what she had given to me... empowerment.   It ended all so wonderfully on my end.

 I was about to learn that it did not end the same way for her.

Having taken a new job the week after our life changing coffee date I was working 12 hour days and falling into bed shortly after  getting home only to get up and head back to work the next day.  I barely had time to eat and shower let alone keep up  on my friendships.  I felided a few texts from this new friend about my motivation for the coffee date.  Confused I just left them alone, not really knowing how to answer them.  Had I known how magical this friend was and the prophesy hidden in the texts I may have acted much  differently in the next paragraph.

After a couple months of this crazy work schedule, I began to feel the effects of a non existent recovery program.  As a bad boy began to creep into my subconscious, I started to skate on some thin ice.  Backing into my old behaviors. Soon the bad boy of my current fantasy was trying to contact me and I found myself being snarred in a net of excitement and attraction.   Still holding on to a program I contacted my sponsor as I was taught to do when my thinking turned stinking.

This was the turning point of holding on to a program and throwing one entirely out the window.  This is where my story dives into the pits of Hades.

My sponsor came across very clear and matter of fact with her advice after I explained my thoughts about responding to this cute guys request for my attention.   'Contact him and you will kill him,  He will go out and use again.  I know of this guy from .......(budding friendship in the first paragraph of tale).  Stay away from him'.  Said my wonderful sponsor.  Pretty clear really, stay away or you will kill him, got it...... ?  Nope, All I heard however was, 'He is a bad boy and no one wants you near him, perfect.'  When I hung up the phone from sponsor I texted Bad boy number two for me.

The bad boy that just broke the heart of my new found friend.

Where in that moment did logic and reason escape me all together?  When did my addict rise up and completely take over and  say Fuck you all, I will do what I want and not care who the fuck gets hurt.  Where did all my hard worked compassion and considering others go?  How did I slip so quickly back into the dark?

The friends with benifits turned briefly romance ending in just friends, bad boy and I were off and running in a direction far from recovery.  Romancing using, bashing the program and shirking our responsabilities.  Or on my end that was what I was doing.  I just wanted to have fun and my program was saying I couldn't so I pushed far from it.   I can see that only today as I step out of the darkness of where I was and back into the light of where I am now.  However in that moment of darkness I was having fun and I was enjoying his company.  I don't regret that part of my story.  Live and learn... I gained excitment and pain, lessons learned.  Lessons to share for another time.

... My new budding friendship in that moment of fuck you decision was destroyed.  My relationship with my sponsor in that same moment was severed forever after.  Those are the regrets I have, those are the true amends needing to be made.  I hurt both parties and for that I am working a step four and nine to clear the guilt and shame of always opting for the guy at the scarifice of the platonic relationship.  My pattern to clear.

Now before all was lost I did try to contact my sponsor, who for whatever reason was unavailable to me.  I turned to my support group instead.  Through the bad boy romance, I did stay tethered to my support group and therefor the program even if I was not actively working it the way I had in the past.  It is this support that I am entirely grateful for today as I am still clean while all other parties have already relapsed or are in process of now.  My heart breaks at my part in those relapses.  My sponsors prophesy was right.  I am humbled beyond anything I have ever felt before.

While I was trying to reach out to my sponsor my now destroyed friendship was also reaching out to her and connecting.  I could see the frienship building between them and I felt abondoned and a bit ganged up upon.  I guessed it is the consequences of my actions and I accepted that as such.  That is until the facebook confrontations turned into verbal attacks in front of my 12 year old daughter turned into physical attacks at the meeting of my 9 month tag.  This coming from a woman with 9 years in recovery, a slip at the 5 year mark and clean since.   No longer was my compassion with my consequences.  This went to far.

Where was my sponsor through these attacks?  Standing to destroyed friendships side and via social media firing me as her sponsee.  My heart was utterly broken.  My addict whispered how I deserved it.  She told me how I brought this on myself.  I would have slipped very quickly into shame had I not had an amazing support group walking along side me the entire journey.

It was through the eye's of my friends that I could see how I never once reacted poorly to destroyed friendships attacks, only trying to make amends in the emails and then severing all contact when I realized she was not ready to recieve any amends, even the physical attack provoked nothing of the like return in me.  It was through my friends that I could see how the bad boy was playing a very dirty game of turning two friends into deep enemies, inflicting his pain for the gain of power.  But it was my own ears and eyes that seen my sponsor come out in my destroyed friend.  It was hearing my sponsors words verbally attack me that really brought awareness home.

I was humiliated in front of two newcomers and for that today I am totally humbled.  My fuck you all action had some very serious consequences.  My desire to hurt and be hurt has been exausted.  I have been shown in my humilation that I am no longer that person with shadowy morals.  I can no longer act from that place of dirty and live clean.  Sometimes my higher power has to show me the hard way because thats the path I choose to learn the lesson.  I realize now that I always have a choice.

I have severed all ties to bad boy.  I have stepped away from destroyed friendship.  I have set boundaries for myself with my old sponsor to include what is nessesary for home group interaction.  I am hurt and this will overshadow the two female relationships until I can work through my feelings in this area.  My higher power will work that out for me.  I am back nose deep in step four working the relationship section and am back to regular meeting attendence.  My program has again become the most important thing in my life.  Why?  Because I AM the most important thing in my life.

Stand in Your Truth

Do my insides match my outsides?

What I think and feel, is it reflected in the way I act?

Is what I am recovering about my inner self challenging to live out in the building of my new way of life?

These are all some pretty deep questions that I am working through right now.  As I discover not only the defects of my character but the assets that I never knew were there as well, I am faced with the very uncomfortable sensation of not being true to myself.  I get these little inner pricks and jolts when I act in a way that I have always but yet now seems almost repulsive.

The realization that I have acted this way almost my whole life and it has always gone against my nature and my true authentic self is kinda sickening.  I am embarrassed that I have very rarely stood in my own truth in my own life and life's situations.   That amoeba like self of mine always the first one to show up at the party, the authentic me hiding behind her.. safe and out of sight.   This is a harsh new understanding for me.   I am always what  other people want me to be, always.   That proverbial doormat.

As I walk through experience's where I can no longer live by white lies, no longer dress in the tight come fuck me jeans and can no longer pretend I am happy in relationships that really do not serve my highest good anymore, I am faced with new challenges.   Beyond discovering who I am not, now I am defining who I am by having to stand up to my oppressors.

Wearing skirts is the most comfortable and close to my nature, I have fielded friends concerns that I own no normal clothes.  I live in a jeans and pj pants town.  It took a bit of explaining to a few friends and even strangers that I am warmer and more comfortable in my skirts then I am in jeans.  Seems like such a simple thing, yet I see it was the first in a string of stepping up to my oppressors.

The white lie about the little dog I just had to get rid of... I had to stand up to Myself, my own oppressor.  I was just doing things the way I always have... tweaking the rules.  That I see now in and of itself is a form of rebellion oppression and I can't get away with it anymore.  Its not my truth, its not in my true nature to do so.

Again this was an uncomfortable lesson but still on a smaller scale.  What I face today is getting more intense for me.

A personal romantic relationship that has haunted me for two years, seems to linger like a bad smell.

  As I have built a relationship with myself and my higher power I am slowly coming to know what is good for me and what is not.  What I want in life and what I don't.

It has been a  slow process and what I wanted when I first got into this relationship no longer fits me.  Each time I break up with him, I feel good about standing in my truth.  That only lasts weeks however before I find myself falling back into old patterns with him again.

I am always disgusted with myself that I have gone back to the relationship again because its not what I want but I just cant seem to get away from it.  After three go rounds with this same man, I finally spoke my true feelings to him on the phone and for the first time ever I felt like he finally heard me and I finally stood solid in my truth.  

Until last night when an email from him telling me to Grow up that he still loves me and will be in town in a few weeks to gift me something.

After a sleepless night I have come to realize two things about myself and this situation.  I created it and I must follow through with my oppressor.   I dragged him through my entire process and he really doesn't understand it as he only knows the amoeba me.  I have only recently shown him my authentic self and that was just a flash of that.  He is doing what has worked each and every time before, blow in my direction and I fell over.

To be true to myself I must marry what my inner self needs with my outer self's actions.

This is how we are defined by Standing in our own Truths.

This is what it means to live from our higher powers.  This is why few people actually get to the point of full ascension... its easier to meld into another then it is to stand up against all the others to be true to who you are.   It means showing the true you, without all the masks and being strong enough to field all the comments about your true nature.

 Because not all the comments you receive are going to be good, and vulnerable to me is raw... and negative comments hurt when I am exposed.

I look forward to the day that I am a strong vulnerable woman that stands in her truth in every situation and pays no attention to what others think about her.  Safe and secure in the knowledge that I am in my higher power working with the collective community.

I can see more clearly now that being as strong in my gifts is what contributes to the betterment of humanity.  To build strength means to rise above challenges.

Nope not an easy process this matching my insides with the outside.  Not easy keeping my feelings contained and learning how to act on them.   The true Joy is however now coming from my ability to step into a new energy, a new life and a new level, is the excitement of receiving the unknown and being able to live like the fool again, young and full of life for a new path.