What I think and feel, is it reflected in the way I act?
Is what I am recovering about my inner self challenging to live out in the building of my new way of life?
These are all some pretty deep questions that I am working through right now. As I discover not only the defects of my character but the assets that I never knew were there as well, I am faced with the very uncomfortable sensation of not being true to myself. I get these little inner pricks and jolts when I act in a way that I have always but yet now seems almost repulsive.
The realization that I have acted this way almost my whole life and it has always gone against my nature and my true authentic self is kinda sickening. I am embarrassed that I have very rarely stood in my own truth in my own life and life's situations. That amoeba like self of mine always the first one to show up at the party, the authentic me hiding behind her.. safe and out of sight. This is a harsh new understanding for me. I am always what other people want me to be, always. That proverbial doormat.
As I walk through experience's where I can no longer live by white lies, no longer dress in the tight come fuck me jeans and can no longer pretend I am happy in relationships that really do not serve my highest good anymore, I am faced with new challenges. Beyond discovering who I am not, now I am defining who I am by having to stand up to my oppressors.
Wearing skirts is the most comfortable and close to my nature, I have fielded friends concerns that I own no normal clothes. I live in a jeans and pj pants town. It took a bit of explaining to a few friends and even strangers that I am warmer and more comfortable in my skirts then I am in jeans. Seems like such a simple thing, yet I see it was the first in a string of stepping up to my oppressors.
The white lie about the little dog I just had to get rid of... I had to stand up to Myself, my own oppressor. I was just doing things the way I always have... tweaking the rules. That I see now in and of itself is a form of rebellion oppression and I can't get away with it anymore. Its not my truth, its not in my true nature to do so.
Again this was an uncomfortable lesson but still on a smaller scale. What I face today is getting more intense for me.
A personal romantic relationship that has haunted me for two years, seems to linger like a bad smell.
As I have built a relationship with myself and my higher power I am slowly coming to know what is good for me and what is not. What I want in life and what I don't.
It has been a slow process and what I wanted when I first got into this relationship no longer fits me. Each time I break up with him, I feel good about standing in my truth. That only lasts weeks however before I find myself falling back into old patterns with him again.
I am always disgusted with myself that I have gone back to the relationship again because its not what I want but I just cant seem to get away from it. After three go rounds with this same man, I finally spoke my true feelings to him on the phone and for the first time ever I felt like he finally heard me and I finally stood solid in my truth.
Until last night when an email from him telling me to Grow up that he still loves me and will be in town in a few weeks to gift me something.
After a sleepless night I have come to realize two things about myself and this situation. I created it and I must follow through with my oppressor. I dragged him through my entire process and he really doesn't understand it as he only knows the amoeba me. I have only recently shown him my authentic self and that was just a flash of that. He is doing what has worked each and every time before, blow in my direction and I fell over.
To be true to myself I must marry what my inner self needs with my outer self's actions.
This is how we are defined by Standing in our own Truths.
This is what it means to live from our higher powers. This is why few people actually get to the point of full ascension... its easier to meld into another then it is to stand up against all the others to be true to who you are. It means showing the true you, without all the masks and being strong enough to field all the comments about your true nature.
Because not all the comments you receive are going to be good, and vulnerable to me is raw... and negative comments hurt when I am exposed.
I look forward to the day that I am a strong vulnerable woman that stands in her truth in every situation and pays no attention to what others think about her. Safe and secure in the knowledge that I am in my higher power working with the collective community.
I can see more clearly now that being as strong in my gifts is what contributes to the betterment of humanity. To build strength means to rise above challenges.
Nope not an easy process this matching my insides with the outside. Not easy keeping my feelings contained and learning how to act on them. The true Joy is however now coming from my ability to step into a new energy, a new life and a new level, is the excitement of receiving the unknown and being able to live like the fool again, young and full of life for a new path.
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