One of the dangers I have observed within the Steps is the mud puddle we can fall victim to by digging up the past and those things that caused us to fall into addiction in the first place. It took me almost two years once I as introduced to the steps to begin to let go of who I Was.
Reading my notes in my daily meditation book from last year shows the fear I was experiencing about moving forward. I didn't know who I was now that I was beginning to see clearly who I was in my addiction. I knew that I didn't want to be that person any more but I was so full of guilt and shame over the things I had done and who I had become and more honestly yet.... who I had always been. I didn't like who I was. The steps blare a flood light on your part in the destruction of your life, that sometimes is very hard to get through.
However with the help of a Good Sponsor and working through the last three steps, I have begun to slowly let go of that person I was in the past. With little baby steps I am coming to trust this new energy in my life, this new personality emerging. At first it was very scary and still is to move away from the comfort of what I know and am used too. I have mastered my manipulative personality to move into a new personality is like a snake shedding her skin... raw and vulnerable. I don't know what this new skin looks like or feels like. I have no idea how to work this new personality emerging. I feel completely new in my own body and its an exhilarating feeling. Albeit scary as hell.
Recently I have found myself in a counsellors office that had me digging up my past again. As I began to become agitated I realized that this was a different kind of counsellor. I am seeing a career counsellor. Instead of seeing a therapist to pick apart my past to help heal it, I am seeing a counsellor that is only touching on the past to give me immediate results for a better future. The focus in my appointments is who I am becoming not who I was. This is liberating. I am tired of looking at who I was. I am focussed on the present moment and creating the new life for my future.
I have come to realize since my focussed changed I have not relapsed, I have not fell victim to my acting out. Not saying that I haven't acted out because I have, but I rectified the situation within days of realization that my addict was alive and well. If I am not moving and looking forward, I am moving backwards.
Here is to my future and I am sending you Love and encouragement to reach for yours as well. Stand in the truth of who you are becoming. The twelve steps give us a new skin to create a whole new you... what are you creating today?
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