I was so afraid to do the fourth step the first time. I had heard horror stories about it. How painful it was, how people relapsed during the fourth step and how many people fired their sponsors and started from scratch every time they got to the fourth step. So naturally I relapsed just before the fourth step and headed back to square one. The second time attempting step four I heard how much a gift it was to work that step and how much freedom you come out with after finished. I heard that I would learn to love and accept myself through this step and how I would get to know who I really was. I relapsed again during this step and headed back to square one.
It took me three go rounds to finally face the demon I thought I had become in active addiction. It took a steady build up of courage for me to finally be ready to face the person I was, became and was about to become. It wasn't that it was all bad and I was afraid to see the monster I was capable of being. I was quite comfortable in that. The fear that overwhelmed me was at as soon as I could see my potential I knew there would be no going back to ignorance. The bliss I knew in addiction and prior to it would be shattered and I would have to start taking responsibility for my actions and my life. That's why I kept relapsing. I was holding on to my ignorance. I was trying to keep a bliss that hard turned toxic long ago.
I think it would have been easier if I was not the type to do it to the deepest of my ability. Go big or go home, all or nothing, work it fully if your gonna spend time working it at all. Maybe if I was more laid back and gave it fifty or sixty percent I would have been able to hold some of my ignorance. Maybe then it would have been a slower more subtle awakening. But no, I do things to the fullest of my ability and the fourth step was no exception.
When I finally did complete the fourth step, it was not with put two relapses both during the relationship section. I have come to learn I give my power away within my relationships, both male and female, both friends and family, both romantic and platonic. I meld into the person I am hanging out with. To become aware of that was too painful. To embarrassing. The acceptance part of that has been a continual process of working through with each of my relationships in my life.
The fourth step has peeled away the layer that was hidden to me and causing my inability to see myself and life situation clearly. By becoming the person or group I was spending the most time with, I was going against who I was as an individual. That caused so much disharmony in my being that I was on a constant spin. However to finally accept that was even worse in the beginning because if I was not 'them', then who the hell was I?
That is what I am walking through today. Learning who I am. Spending time alone with myself, not in isolation but in curiosity of building a relationship with this new person in my life.... Me. I am defining who I am by tapping into my feelings and developing my intuition throu meditation. Taking those new found insights into the world and maintaining my balance within relationships and groups. Each time I succeed in staying true to myself, I grow stronger and uncover another cool personality trait that's all mine. Not gonna lie though, some are positive traits and some not so glorious ones. But all the same I get excited just to know that I am capable of something all on my own.
I no longer feel a slave to my addiction, nor the people around me. The fourth step has kept it's word that I would learn who I was and I am always amazed by what I am capable of. The freedom that comes from peeling back the layers of crap that I hid behind for so long definitely out weighs the rawness of standing naked. I now look forward to tomorrow to see who will emerge from this darkness I have hid in for way too long.
Who are you? Do you know? Are you willing to do the work to find out? I hope you are standing in all the glory that you posses inside and out??
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