That's what the moon does for us, draws to our attention to what has been building all month long. It is the ripe seed ready to burst through the ground that we planted at the new moon. This is how the witches flow. With the energy of the earth, through the moons ebbs and flows. Today she is in her full power. At this very moment of me writing this, she is at her fullest.
After this mornings meditation, I sat in the glow of her showering sparkles. I prayed for guidance on how to better stand in the truth of who I am. I have been faced with a situation this week that I scarcely had the understanding on how to act. It has taken me a couple days to figure it out. I have figured out what was wrong with the picture, but not yet how to correct it.
Let me explain....
I came out of my broom closet last post, which was a few days ago. I declared I was a Pagan and skated the ice going as far as saying I was a Witch. I did so with hesitation. The Goddess has called me on that and pushed me into a situation that is going to make or break that declaration.
Here is the story to how.....
That same day I wrote that post declaring my personal spiritual beliefs it seems my daughter was doing the same. It was the same day she came home from school in a bundle of beautiful energy. That day she had been initiated into a Coven and was a Witch!
How Eerie did I feel knowing that I too had just announced to my little world that very same thing? I kid you not, even in my magical experiences do these coincidences ever get old or cease to surprise me
She spoke animatedly about her role in the coven, her given identity and how many girls were involved and who was a true witch and who was just learning or interested. She spoke of being able to impart her wisdom she had learned from watching me all her years. She glowed from her excitement over being accepted into a social circle, but more still I think she shone the brightest about truly standing in something she knew held tremendous power for her..... she just found a piece of herself. To some this could be seen as a fun kids game, but to the girl who started it, who's aunt is apparently an acting Pagan, and to my daughter, they understand the power generated in a group with the same common goals.
As she asked me question after question, I realized she was really serious and had been watching me closely over the years. She absorbed much knowledge and was now looking to fine tune some of that. She was very concerned about getting it accurate before taking it back to her new coven sisters. Her respect and sense of responsibility to the group abundantly apparent.
My love and excitement grew at the understanding this brought home for me. Two things were happening here. I had been praying nightly for the divine to bring her new friends and something to do as she was always lonely and moping around the house. Secondly upon my declaration that same day I was becoming very aware of just how connected this child and I are. I have now had enough awareness to accept that what I think and do with my energy directly effects how she acts in the world. This brings me back to the apple doesn't fall far from the tree analogy. Children do turn out just like their parents. It's not all on monkey see and monkey do. It is a direct correlation to your energy as a parent. The energetic umbilical cord is still there apparently, feeding your child your secret actions. But I digress from the story.....
It was not even twenty four hours before this excitement of my daughter exploded into something that I felt scarcely ready to handle. And I now have confirmation, I did indeed handle it poorly.
After school the very next day my daughter brought home a friend, a sister of her Coven. Both girls were bubbling brooks of excitement as they dove head first into what they wanted to do immediately. A Spell. But before the spell, seeings as it was Friday, could she please sleep over mom... please?? I never have a problem with sleep overs at my home, so it was with no hesitation that I said yes. The other mom being a good mom, was a bit more leery having not met me yet, said no. I can respect that. The friend had till suppertime and then had to go home.
The girls had grand plans of working a brilliant spell in that time frame. Looking back I probably should have not gotten involved and let them go ahead and search through our numerous books of spells. However over my own excitement of fresh young inquiring minds I could not resist answering their questions and getting involved in the process.
This was were mistake number two came in. Mistake one bring not to recognize, Mom of friend was not happy that friend was even at my home without permission... I broke integrity and respect with mistake number two.
Before I work any spells or rituals (and just a side note for the people not familiar with spellcraft, working a spell really is just a fancy way of saying a prayer. it invites your inner child into the process making it a bit more fun and interactive. You can achieve the same results a spell gives you with a simple heartfelt prayer), I ground and center myself. This is so important to tap into your inner power before working magic. Just as it is important to go into meditation before prayer. So I asked the girls if they would like me to teach them how to ground first.
The answer was in the rush to the basement where ironically I had just finished creating my ritual space. They were both sitting cross legged on big cushions eagerly awaiting my guidance by the time I got down there. I got caught up in both their excited energies and this is where mistake number three came in, two being the action of teaching another persons child something without getting said mothers permission.
Oh, the mistake pile just keeps building in my new found path... growth is never pretty.
As I began to take the girls inner visions, with a guided meditation, into the center of the earth. Diving down into the heart of her inner fire I guided them to draw that energy up into themselves. This was a mistake as a practitioner, where I should have been focusing on more earthy cool energy to subdue there already excited fire energy, I fed more of there fire energy. I proceeded to pull down the sun after connecting to the earth, where at this time of the month it should have been the moon and her cool energy again. This is a lesson for me as someone who wishes to guide people through a meditative practice. I remember one time leaving my best friend in a cloudy dysfunctional haze for a couple of days from a mediation gone bad. Energy is serious business, one must understand it to work with it.... my understanding still grows. And so did the situation.
After leading them through this grounding which indeed had the opposite effect. I fed fire to fire. I now had two extremely excited girls on my hands and a mother about to come to the door.
As the raps on the door hit three the friend pounced on her mom with the definite facts that she was a real witch now. That she drew up mother earth and down father sun into her body. And that she could work a spell to make a guy fall in love with her if she wanted to but won't. And on and on she assaulted her mothers ears. Mom stood with eye's wide open.
I sat mortified. What had I just created?
Unable to speak, not having any idea what to say or how to diffuse the situation. I literally just sat there stunned. Good thing that Mom knows how to live in the real world and handled the situation with grace and ease. Smiling lovingly at her daughter she nodded her head and ushered her daughter into her snow gear. Gracefully directing the conversation to me where we formally introduced ourselves and proceeded with the new moms meeting small chat. Within a few moments the whole ordeal was over.
.........or so I thought.
We are given several attempts to stand in our truth, each one getting a bit more uncomfortable.
I spent that evening feeling ill in my body not being able to pinpoint where I had gone wrong. Not really understanding what was being asked of me by Spirit. Had it not spoke volumes that my daughter came out of the broom closet the same day as me? Had it not been wonderful to see so much excitement come from her? The connection it created between us, is it not been wonderful? I couldn't understand where all those good feelings had went. I struggled that evening and all the next day with the yuck my body was presenting to me. That evening as I took my daughter to a birthday party I was about to understand fully.
Dropping my daughter off at the party was not the problem, picking her up was a different story.
Upon arrival, being the last parent there, as I always seem to be the last to show up, there had been a wide discussion. Some what of an argument between daughters and parents. The topic: whether to let the girls sleep over at the daughters house of the Witchy mom who would weave her satanic spells over them.
.................... of course it was not as bad as that. Darn felt like it though as I fell witness to a daughter again trying to convince her mom that witches weren't bad. While the other parents just watched on in uncomfortable silence and I once again turned into a stone statue unable to speak. My daughter being the trooper of unbounded confidence proceeded to explain inaccurately what a witch was. I was amused with her confidence to speak up in the moment but salted by the inaccuracy of her portrayal of witchcraft. Yet I could not open my mouth to speak my truth. Mistake number four or better put opportunity missed number two.
In the end it was decided the girls would sleep over at the birthday girls house and I was faced with a whole new fear. My daughter sleeping over somewhere else. That doesnt happen, my house is where the girls sleep. But that is a whole different parenting issue I needed to work through.... I did worry however of my daughter being alienated for her beliefs now that she had become so vocal about them.
What had I created and why couldn't I stand in that once I created it? These are the questions I have for today. This is what I drew down the moon for this morning. 'Show me how to act now mother', is what I pleaded. Learning to STAND in my truth is way harder then just acknowledging my truth or even understanding it. Now I must walk in it and face all the good sides and shadow sides of that truth.
Everything has balance and that's what this whole situation has shown me. In my excitement I was brought to the responsibility that joy has with it. As with all magic everything has a price. As the Christian believe's there is a sacrifice for everything. My bi-polar friends understand that with every high there is a low.
I now have to define what a witch is so that when I face these parents again.... like in a matter of hours when I go pick up my daughter.... I have an understandable definition of what it is I believe in and what I do with that. It is here that I needed to come in order to work that out.
I keep coming to the visualization of the 60's hippie. I feel most identifiable with them, less the drugs of course. I believe in the earth and all her ebbs and flows. I watch the progression of the moon because it effects the energies here on earth and that helps me better deal with life's situations. I pray to a Goddess (as I am female and feel the energy stronger through that female divine presence) and a God and I work spells as a means of interactive prayer. I believe in an earth based religion.
Does that sound good?
I know standing in my truth is something that I must learn to do. Not only in this situation but a couple others in my life too. Life is not easy to walk through and doing the hard things is ironically what gives me the greatest satisfaction at the end of the day. As I round the seasons end in my favorite show..'The united States of Tara' I am reminded of all the ways in which we avoid the hard stuff in our lives. I have ranted that the chemical has always been the problem in my life, but its not.... it's my avoidance in dealing with the hard shit. I finally have something that makes me feel alive again, like me again... something that bonds me and my daughter. I need to protect that by standing in my truth of who I am and letting the parents make an educated decision whether they want to leper my child or not. At least then I can walk away with confidence I did what I could and the rest is up to the divine.
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