Mothering the Little Witch that Could

The Moon is pregnant with brilliant white energy for you to tap into today.  Did you encounter the crazies last night?  We did here!   Man there was a mother/daughter or sister's just screaming at each other in the apartment close to ours.  It was so intense that it could have been a few apartments away.  Full Moon.  Many of my relapses occurred during this time.  One of my Ex Broken boys would always show back up in my life while the bright globe was floating through the sky.

That's what the moon does for us, draws to our attention to what has been building all month long.  It is the ripe seed ready to burst through the ground that we planted at the new moon.  This is how the witches flow. With the energy of the earth, through the moons ebbs and flows.  Today she is in her full power.   At this very moment of me writing this, she is at her fullest.

After this mornings meditation, I sat in the glow of her showering sparkles.  I prayed for guidance on how to better stand in the truth of who I am.  I have been faced with a situation this week that I scarcely had the understanding on how to act.  It has taken me a couple days to figure it out.  I have figured out what was wrong with the picture, but not yet how to correct it.

Let me explain....

I came out of my broom closet last post, which was a few days ago.  I declared I was a Pagan and skated the ice going as far as saying I was a Witch.  I did so with hesitation.  The Goddess has called me on that and pushed me into a situation that is going to make or break that declaration.

Here is the story to how.....

That same day I wrote that post declaring my personal spiritual beliefs it seems my daughter was doing the same. It was the same day she came home from school in a bundle of beautiful energy.  That day she had been initiated into a Coven and was a Witch!

How Eerie did I feel knowing that I too had just announced to my little world that very same thing?  I kid you not, even in my magical experiences do these coincidences ever get old or cease to surprise me

She spoke animatedly about her role in the coven, her given identity and how many girls were involved and who was a true witch and who was just learning or interested.  She spoke of being able to impart her wisdom she had learned from watching me all her years.  She glowed from her excitement over being accepted into a social circle, but more still I think she shone the brightest about truly standing in something she knew held tremendous power for her..... she just found a piece of herself.  To some this could be seen as a fun kids game, but to the girl who started it, who's aunt is apparently an acting Pagan, and to my daughter, they understand the power generated in a group with the same common goals.

As she asked me question after question, I realized she was really serious and had been watching me closely over the years.  She absorbed much knowledge and was now looking to fine tune some of that.  She was very concerned about getting it accurate before taking it back to her new coven sisters.  Her respect and sense of responsibility to the group abundantly apparent.

My love and excitement grew at the understanding this brought home for me.  Two things were happening here.  I had been praying nightly for the divine to bring her new friends and something to do as she was always lonely and moping around the house.  Secondly upon my declaration that same day I was becoming very aware of just how connected this child and I are.  I have now had enough awareness to accept that what I think and do with my energy directly effects how she acts in the world.  This brings me back to the apple doesn't fall far from the tree analogy.  Children  do turn out just like their parents.  It's not all on monkey see and monkey do.  It is a direct correlation to your energy as a parent.  The energetic umbilical cord is still there apparently, feeding your child your secret actions.   But I digress from the story.....

It was not even twenty four hours before this excitement of my daughter exploded into something that I felt scarcely ready to handle.  And I now have confirmation, I did indeed handle it poorly.

After school the very next day my daughter brought home a friend, a sister of her Coven.  Both girls were bubbling brooks of excitement as they dove head first into what they wanted to do immediately.  A Spell.  But before the spell, seeings as it was Friday, could she please sleep over mom... please??   I never have a problem with sleep overs at my home, so it was with no hesitation that I said yes.  The other mom being a good mom, was a bit more leery having not met me yet, said no.  I can respect that.  The friend had till suppertime and then had to go home.

The girls had grand plans of working a brilliant spell in that time frame.  Looking back I probably should have not gotten involved and let them go ahead and search through our numerous books of spells.  However over my own excitement of fresh young inquiring minds I could not resist answering their questions and getting involved in the process.

This was were mistake number two came in.  Mistake one bring not to recognize, Mom of friend was not happy that friend was even at my home without permission... I broke integrity and respect with mistake number two.

Before I work any spells or rituals (and just a side note for the people not familiar with spellcraft, working a spell really is just a fancy way of saying a prayer. it invites your inner child into the process making it a bit more fun and interactive.  You can achieve the same results a spell gives you with a simple heartfelt prayer), I ground and center myself.  This is so important to tap into your inner power before working magic.  Just as it is important to go into meditation before prayer.   So I asked the girls if they would like me to teach them how to ground first.

The answer was in the rush to the basement where ironically I had just finished creating my ritual space.  They were both sitting cross legged on big cushions eagerly awaiting my guidance by the time I got down there.  I got caught up in both their excited energies and this is where mistake number three came in, two being the action of teaching another persons child something without getting said mothers permission.

Oh, the mistake pile just keeps building in my new found path... growth is never pretty.

As I began to take the girls inner visions, with a guided meditation, into the center of the earth.  Diving down into the heart of her inner fire I guided them to draw that energy up into themselves.  This was a mistake as a practitioner, where I should have been focusing on more earthy cool energy to subdue there already excited fire energy, I fed more of there fire energy.  I proceeded to pull down the sun after connecting to the earth, where at this time of the month it should have been the moon and her cool energy again.  This is a lesson for me as someone who wishes to guide people through a meditative practice.  I remember one time leaving my best friend in a cloudy dysfunctional haze for a couple of days from a mediation gone bad.  Energy is serious business, one must understand it to work with it.... my understanding still grows.  And so did the situation.

After leading them through this grounding which indeed had the opposite effect.  I fed fire to fire.   I now had two extremely excited girls on my hands and a mother about to come to the door.

As the raps on the door hit three the friend pounced on her mom with the definite facts that she was a real witch now.  That she drew up mother earth and down father sun into her body.  And that she could work a spell to make a guy fall in love with her if she wanted to but won't.  And on and on she assaulted her mothers ears.  Mom stood with eye's wide open.

I sat mortified.  What had I just created?

Unable to speak, not having any idea what to say or how to diffuse the situation.   I literally just sat there stunned.  Good thing that Mom knows how to live in the real world and handled the situation with grace and ease.  Smiling lovingly at her daughter she nodded her head and ushered her daughter into her snow gear.  Gracefully directing the conversation to me where we formally introduced ourselves and proceeded with the new moms meeting small chat.  Within a few moments the whole ordeal was over.

.........or so I thought.

We are given several attempts to stand in our truth, each one getting a bit more uncomfortable.

I spent that evening feeling ill in my body not being able to pinpoint where I had gone wrong.    Not really understanding what was being asked of me by Spirit.  Had it not spoke volumes that my daughter came out of the broom closet the same day as me?  Had it not been wonderful to see so much excitement come from her?  The connection it created between us, is it not been wonderful?     I couldn't understand where all those good feelings had went.  I struggled that evening and all the next day with the yuck my body was presenting to me.  That evening as I took my daughter to a birthday party I was about to understand fully.

Dropping my daughter off at the party was not the problem, picking her up was a different story.

Upon arrival, being the last parent there, as I always seem to be the last to show up, there had been a wide discussion.  Some what of an argument between daughters and parents.  The topic:  whether to let the girls sleep over at the daughters house of the Witchy mom who would weave her satanic spells over them.

.................... of course it was not as bad as that.  Darn felt like it though as I fell witness to a daughter again trying to convince her mom that witches weren't bad.  While the other parents just watched on in uncomfortable silence and I once again turned into a stone statue unable to speak.  My daughter being the trooper of unbounded confidence proceeded to explain inaccurately what a witch was.   I was amused with her confidence to speak up in the moment but salted by the inaccuracy of her portrayal of witchcraft.  Yet I could not open my mouth to speak my truth.  Mistake number four or better put opportunity missed number two.

In the end it was decided the girls would sleep over at the birthday girls house and I was faced with a whole new fear.  My daughter sleeping over somewhere else.  That doesnt happen, my house is where the girls sleep.  But that is a whole different parenting issue I needed to work through.... I did worry however of my daughter being alienated for her beliefs now that she had become so vocal about them.

What had I created and why couldn't I stand in that once I created it?  These are the questions I have for today.  This is what I drew down the moon for this morning.  'Show me how to act now mother', is what I pleaded.  Learning to STAND in my truth is way harder then just acknowledging my truth or even understanding it.  Now I must walk in it and face all the good sides and shadow sides of that truth.

Everything has balance and that's what this whole situation has shown me.  In my excitement I was brought to the responsibility that joy has with it.  As with all magic everything has a price.  As the Christian believe's there is a sacrifice for everything.  My bi-polar friends understand that with every high there is a low.

I now have to define what a witch is so that when I face these parents again.... like in a matter of hours when I go pick up my daughter.... I have an understandable definition of what it is I believe in and what I do with that.  It is here that I needed to come in order to work that out.

I keep coming to the visualization of the 60's hippie.  I feel most identifiable with them, less the drugs of course.  I believe in the earth and all her ebbs and flows.  I watch the progression of the moon because it effects the energies here on earth and that helps me better deal with life's situations.  I pray to a Goddess (as I am  female and feel the energy stronger through that female divine presence) and a God and I work spells as a means of interactive prayer.  I believe in an earth based religion.

Does that sound good?

I know standing in my truth is something that I must learn to do.  Not only in this situation but a couple others in my life too.  Life is not easy to walk through and doing the hard things is ironically what gives me the greatest satisfaction at the end of the day.  As I round the seasons end in my favorite show..'The united States of Tara' I am reminded of all the ways in which we avoid the hard stuff in our lives.  I have ranted that the chemical has always been the problem in my life, but its not.... it's my avoidance in dealing with the hard shit.  I finally have something that makes me feel alive again, like me again... something that bonds me and my daughter.  I need to protect that by standing in my truth of who I am and letting the parents make an educated decision whether they want to leper my child or not.  At least then I can walk away with confidence I did what I could and the rest is up to the divine.

Spiritual Laws to Guide Actions

I am  Pagan.

Hello my name is..... and I am grateful recovering Pagan.

That has more of a positive ring for me today.  I don't forget the other ways I have identified myself in the distant past, but today I am on a new path.  I would have identified myself as a Witch or a practicing Wiccan if those two words didn't still elicit some form of controversy from the majority of people.

Pagan is comfortable for me though because it has allowed me to branch out and explore different religions and spiritual paths.  I have great respect for the popular religion of our current time. Jesus has brought some deep truths to the light and has been the most powerful Spiritual leader of all time.  I don't choose to walk that path however because it doesn't resonate with me.  I have tried several times.

I have researched and worked with many paths and each one falls short of the electrical magnetic charge that practicing Wicca gives me.  I have shied away from the path many times for different reasons.  One reason is the faddiness of it, I dislike feeling like I am doing something because everyone else is.  I always like to go against the grain.  The second reason is the sheer power I have experienced through invoking the Goddess's and working spells.  It's funny because I am always seeking my inner power but when I tap it, I run to the corner cowering like a cat who has been frightened by her own shadow.

My current program of magical study has asked me to review the spiritual laws that I live by or strive to live by.  That is what I want to share here.  If you want to learn more about Wicca you may want to look that up on your own or I guess stay tuned to this blog.  I am out of the broom closet now, I am sure I will write more on the topic.

Crow, the Shaman says, means Law.  Crow surrounds me today as I work through my own self laws of daily governing.  The reading of the card speaks of shape shifting and I am reminded of the lesson I am on today about moving from one program to another, shifting from the face of an active addict back to my roots of a Pagan.  Ever being mindful of the slippery slope back to the past.  Moving forward my spiritual laws will keep me tethered to the light.   Where recently nursing the rooms of NA was my connection to the divine.  I am coming to understand we may walk different paths even within the same life.

Through the study of my many spiritual paths I have taken something powerful from each of them.  A friend along my journey had the opinion that taking a bit from here and there was not a full spiritual experience and to be avoided.  I disagree with her.  I think spirituality is very personal and the basic laws apply to everyone regardless if your ready to walk in them or not.  If one were to choose laws that only focus on the light and selfish indulgences, there will be a balance along the way somewhere.  For me it was my dip into drug addiction, where I walked into the Underworld with Inanna.

My Spiritual Laws....

1. 'Bide within the Law you must in perfect Love and perfect Trust'.  Deepak has this as his first 'Law of Pure Potentiality' in his seven laws to success.  This law means tap into you own inner light and realize you are never separated from the source.  Christians believe taking Jesus into their hearts is that pure Love and Trust.  Find your inner light and work daily to keep that relationship healthy.  When you are living from this place of Love on  regular basis all other laws are easy to work.   Live from you Higher Power.

2. Live you must and let Live.  We all have challenges and issues to work through.  Hiding from them is not the Wiccans way.  Face your shadows, the situations that are hard in life.  Set your boundaries, stand up for yourself and others that need your help.  The second part speaks volumes about holding your tongue and reserving your judgments of others.  Lest other people opinions become your business.

3. The Three fold Law of the Wiccan Rede says;   what you put out, comes back to you.  'The Secret' made this world recognized as the Law of Attraction.  Your moods and your thoughts dictate your actions.  Those actions directly effect your reality.  You manifest your reality.  If your sending out shit, that's whats coming back to you.  If you don't like your life right now.... look to the mirror for the reason.  If you love your life right now... Yay, your doing something that works for you, keep doing it.

4.  Self Honesty.  Lying to yourself is knocking your higher power out of your inner world.  Deceiving yourself cuts your connection temporally to the divine.  Being honest about how I feel is my constant struggle. The second law comes into play when I don't face my own inner truths.  I learn the hard way then and well thats never ever pretty.

5.  Anonymity.  This is a Law I have pulled from my twelve step learning's as the last one blends into that as well.  Witches and Addicts alike don't always want others to know about their chosen path.  These paths, as well as many others, are deeply personal and it's rude to call one out on their beliefs in front of people that may direct negative energy at them.  In the days of old, witches were hung for their beliefs.  It's serious stuff still today so be mindful of how you interact, in person and online with others.  In my excitement I still fall prey to this Law as a few others I am still working at.

6.  The Law of giving and receiving.  This is the Law I am most passionate about.  The 7th of the twelve traditions of NA speak of being fully self supporting and each meeting a basket is passed for people to put money in to keep the meetings alive.  My meeting barely survives.  An ancient spiritual rule was to donate 10% of your income to a spiritual cause as this kept the energy of money in constant motion and no one was poor because of it.  I put out as much as I can which is sometimes more then that percentage because I have seen how this comes back to me threefold.  I am fully self supporting today.  Taking this further also means energy and Love.  I still struggle with receiving energy and Love from those around me... working through it.

7.  The Power of Acceptance is a Spiritual Law I found online during my research that I loved and realize that I have been living recently.  If you have to fight for something, manipulate energy or overcome one too many obstacles to get to a goal.... it is not meant at this time for you.  It is not 'the work' we are talking about to achieve success.  The work is always internal work and then with that work comes the rewards in the external world.  You never have to force something that is meant for you.   .... This is a reminder for me in romantic relationships.

8. Seek your Life's Purposes.  Know your talents and share them.  Embrace your passions and seek an outlet for them.  Constantly keep learning and growing and relearn your new missions as you complete the old ones.  Life is a game.... enjoy it.

9.  The Law of Jesus says to be mindful of your earthly indulgences.  Overdoing anything fills that place of love with toxins and disconnects you from your source and your higher power.  We are meant to enjoy all the sensual pleasures of the earth... in moderation.  Anything above that moderation becomes a problem and addictions are seen as sinful and sin is an action of your lower self and not that of the light and higher self.

10.  The Last line of the Wiccan Rede states:  An ye harm none, do as ye will.

Those are my spiritual Laws that I try to live by.  They are not in any particular order.  They are not more important then the one after them.  They just are.  I am sure there are more I can add to the list but for now those are the one's that I am practicing now.  They all cover my morals and my integrity.  If I break one of these laws, spirit is very and I mean very quick to show me.  The counter balance to my action is felt almost instantly.  I am grateful for that, I prefer to face the consequences within the moment then to have to be a long term house guest of Hades again.

What are your Spiritual Laws?  What do you use to keep your actions in check?  What spiritual paths resonate with you?  What truths have you learned along the way?  This is by far my most favorite subject of all time... spirituality.  Such a mystical topic with absolutely no right or wrong answers.... just perspective.  A deeply controversial topic open for much debate.  I remember I used to love debating.  Hmmm.....something else I have recovered.

Happy trails my friends I hope your days have been interesting and filled with wondrous new learning's!

Moving On.. Walking the Unknown

'Focus is here for you because you are here for Focus'.   That is a cut out I have on my vision board that's been there for well over a year now.  I liked the car's ad because at the time I was having a hard time focusing on getting clean.  So I cut it out and pasted it to my vision board to help me stay focused on eradicating drugs from my life.

At some point along the way the positive energy of that slogan has lost it's power.  As my reality removes itself from my life of drugs I find the slogan has a sour reminder of the darkest days of my current existence.  My focus is changing, yet looking at that cut out day after day my focus is brought back to the desolation of my past.  Positive power now turning negative.  My focus has changed.

As I move away from that phase of my life, I find it difficult to transition.  My all or nothing attitude wants to cut everything and everyone out of my life that was either connected to my using days or part of my recovery from my using phase.  My desire to put that whole part of my life behind me is strong.  Letting go of the past in order to open the door to the future has always been an all or nothing thing for me.  I ask myself....' How has that worked for ya?'

Not very well.  I am just not all that graceful with change and transitions.  I am uncomfortable with the fact that my attention from the past two years is now shifting.  I am challenged with how to move away from that gracefully and with dignity.  I am faced with the fear of slipping back into dope once I give up my crutches.  These concerns have been my new focus for the past few months and quiet honestly they are sucking my energy out.

Learning to make decisions and not sit on the fence has always been a struggle for me. After reading a close friends story yesterday I know I am not alone in that.  I have been sitting on the fence. Hold on to my past year and what has worked, yet jump over the fence and move into new.   New and exciting ways of creating a different reality for myself.  I can't sit on this fence anymore, my ass is getting sore.  I took down the focus sign yesterday as I was deep cleaning my living room and kitchen.  As I rearranged the furniture to better suit the season upon us, I too began to change my inner world to reflect the changes within me.

So here it is......

I will no longer focus on addiction here in this blog.  I no longer want to beat a dead horse.... speaking of dead horse I had a pretty powerful dream about horses the other night that actually awakened me to this realization that I post about now.  Let me share the dream it is relevant......

..... I was going to meet my son at a restaurant.  I had a choice of taking my Shetland pony or my stallion.  I chose automatically the Shetland pony as I always did.   I was comfortable with the pony although it moved way slower.  I was in a rush however and knew that the stallion would be a way better choice... I was afraid of the stallion.    I didn't know him all that well.  After what seemed forever I decided  I would face my fear and take my stallion.  But when I went out to the stable to get him, he was gone.  I was upset.  When I got to the restaurant explained to my son why I was so late.  He informed me that some guy came and got the horse.  My horse was repo'd because I forgot to make the recent payment on him.  I was so upset that I finally got the courage to ride him and cause it took me so long to make that decision he was gone......

Horse means power.  The dream was telling me that I keep choosing this lower power because its comfortable and familiar to me.  My lack of making a decision to move forward and embrace the real power available to me is going to cause me to lose it entirely.  Self sabotage and lack of self care is going to be the culprit that does the dirty deed for me.  I woke up from this dream a few days ago knowing what I need to do.

It's time to move my focus off drugs and move it on to my life  moving forward.  I have an amazing support group around me that do not use drugs or overeat, woman that have learned how to handle and express their feelings and women that know how to live in the real world.  I have two beautiful daughters that keep my focus strong on my role as a mother and therefor my need for intense self care so that I may lead them into brilliant lives.  I also have a job where I am comfortable sharing my feelings and setting boundaries.  Divinity put me in the perfect place to learn and grow.. safely.

Now don't get me wrong, Social acceptability does not equal recovery.  I am not in the mind set that I have arrived and all is good now.  Actually quiet the opposite, I am shitting the bed over my decision to pull back from addiction focus.  I have been taught that anything I put before my recovery I lose.  And for me that meant if I am not going to at least two meetings a week and reading daily literature then I am sure to backslide.  I have come to realize that's not my recovery.  That was my treatment.

My illness is in remission and to keep it there I must not live in constant fear that it will return by keeping constant focus on it.  To keep it in remission I must have the courage to get on the stallion and move forward in my life.  I must practice self care at all times, I must keep learning and growing and I must give back what I have been given.  I used to also believe that giving back was only to other addicts, but my Higher Self has shown me otherwise.  I give back to my girls everyday that I practice taking care of myself and therefor teaching them how to care for themselves.  I give back through this blog.  I give back by helping other women who have experienced trauma in their lives practice the twelve steps... regardless of their addictive hangup.

Learning to walk in my own light and not be seduced by other people in their lights has been a challenge for me.  It's a scary decision to make a Stand for something.... to make a stand for yourself.  I don't handle peoples opposing opinions all that well.  I am still pretty impressionable and easily swayed to popular belief.  My lesson to learn in this I am sure will be just that.... learning to be the oak tree and just bend in the wind and not break.

So for my next post I want to share my daily meditation routine with you.  The benefits and spiritual awakenings I have had as a direct result of the practice is too great not to share.  I might even write a second blog today I am so excited to get on with my life!!   ........ Moving on.

Sugar Junkie takes the First Step

What does the disease of addiction look like to me?

This is question one in Narcotics Anonymous Step working guide.  I find myself back at step one admitting my life is unmanageable again.... but in a whole new layer of my never ending onion peel.   I think further study and research into what addiction really is, is called for today.....

Merriam-Webster defines Addiction as 'a strong and harmful need to regularly have something or do something'.  They go on to add also, 'an unusually strong interest in something'.  Dictionary.com says it's 'the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or something that is psychologically or physically habit forming, to an extent it causes severe trauma'.  I love the Free Dictionary by Farlex the best....1. 'Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit forming substance', or 2. 'The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something'.

I think to define addiction for me it would be the third example.  Any compulsive or repetitive action that takes my focus off myself and my own feelings is an addiction for me.  Focus is the key word of my addiction here.  Because I am learning addictions can sometimes be seen as healthy, like going to the gym and eating well.  However I remember a phase of my life a few years back that I was spending crazy amounts of time at the gym and eating so ridiculously well that I isolated myself from my family.  That was an addiction that truly cost me my family and a few friends.  I was revered for my weight loss accomplishment.  Those people didn't see how far I took it, and I think thats how you know it's becoming a destructive addiction.

I think there is truth right there in that last sentence,  addiction can only be seen by the people closest to the person because it happens behind closed doors, behind closed minds.  I guess this is where denial comes in... Don't Even No I Am Lying.  Well I can assure you I am not in denial about my current manifestation of my addiction.  I am hooked on Sugar/Starch.  It's my new kryptonite.  If I can't smoke up, can't get laid well then fuck it.... I am gonna get fat is my current thought process.

I know.... I know...... I have cycled through these three things so many fucking times in this past year, I am utterly making myself sick dealing with it.....

But that is why I am writing out a step one on it finally.  To let it go and be done with it fully.  I have learned that I don't need to work an entire set of steps for an issue, just the first one and then my higher power takes the reins and works out the rest of the steps in due time for me.  Having worked an entire set I can identify clearly when a step is being presented to me and how to walk through it... sometimes I don't always walk through it though... but this is a discussion for another time.    ........I have talked alot about the fact food is and has always been the main addiction in my life(dope only taking its place during my health kick) but I have never really talked about how and why it effects my life so much.  Let me run to the Mac's store and get some hazelnut creamer for my coffee and then I can begin the process of unloading my ill's caused by sugar.

... do do da da...... do do........ )skipping to the store, enjoying the fresh dusting of snow(........la la do do....

Okay so I am back.  Decided on chocolate truffle creamer to go with my German chocolate coffee instead.  I have to laugh at my own pattern.  Whenever I know I am close to the end of an addictive practice I have to go full out with it, like I will never experience the goodness of it again.  When I entered Detox for drug addiction they gave me twenty four hours before I could come in... I think an angel watched over me those hours because the volume and variety of drugs I ingested blows my mind today.  Yesterday I bought two bags of Hershey chocolates... you know because they were on sale... and I poured almost an entire bag in my mouth before I got back to my work truck.   Disgusting.   and I am not talking those little bags folks, I am talking the ones for five bucks hanging close to the till for the addict impulse buyers.  Yup yesterday is when I realized that this is getting out of control again.

What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?  Describe.

Three questions in to step one.  I remember when I began to eat healthy how disgusted I was with how much time I spent on thinking about food.  How much freer I was when I didn't have to constantly be stressing about food.  I was lucking because I was on a program that did all the planning and even all the cooking for me, but the realization that afforded me was well worth the cost of the service.  I can see now I was obsessed with food then.  I am back there again and desperately want that freedom that followed.

My first thought in the morning is how disgusting I feel.  My second thought is to beat myself up about what I ate the day before and the third though follows instantly of what I am gonna have for breakfast seeing as I feel like shit anyways.  After breakfast I am thinking of my lunch and as soon as lunch is done my mind is on supper, which is usually take out because I am too exhausted at the end of my day from eating empty energy to cook.  My mind then spins into the extravagant thoughts of an addict and goes for the gold, with trips to the Keg and other restaurants out of my budget.  This is where compulsion throws logic out the window and I am nose deep back in my shit again.... and my life becomes unmanageable.

Look at my recent trip to the Keg for example.  It was my beautiful daughters 13 birthday.  All our family was working that evening and it was just her and I.  Her birthday party was scheduled for the next night where her friends came over and  going to the movies was planned.  My mind taking the path it did, convinced me that the Keg was a wonderful way to celebrate her birthday, and it was.  But it had a sacrifice.  I couldn't afford her movie night the next night.  Writing that makes me feel sick. Getting honest always moves emotions within me.... ugh.   I have already apologized to my daughter.  My selfish addiction seen an opportunity to experience the 'good stuff' without explanation, never once taking into full consideration that the next night was my daughters choice of birthday celebration.  She didn't care about the Keg, I did, she wanted a movie night.  I sacrificed her birthday wish for my addiction want.  That my friends is what addiction is..... fucks with your logic.

So how has this disease affected me, physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?   This is the question I have been trying to get to, because it is these answers that bring home just how unmanageable my life has become on all levels and playing feilds.  Its reading what I write here that blows the shark out of the water with the harpoon.

Physically.... ah let me count that ways.  When I went from 230lbs to 150bls I felt the difference so

dramatically in the way my body moved.  I was light and able to bounce up stairs with barely any effort.  I could play fight with my kids without hurting them or myself.  I could get in and out of my vehicle, bed and the bathtub with such ease.  Feeling light was the most wonderful experience I had ever had.  Because I was also working out at the gym I could feel my muscles in my body and it was such a rush to feel my body move and all the muscles flex and relax as I walked.  I had no aches and pains anymore, I was astonished at how much weight effected my health and became disgusted with how much obesity plays a part in killing our health care budgets.  I also had more energy, I could get through my day on a healthy 6 hours sleep.... oh and I slept so much better not groaning when I would change positions in the night... and stopped snoring too!  These are all the things I am losing now.  Energy has been the first to go... I am officially in a food coma.  All I wanna do is sleep and lay on my couch watching TV.  Me, watching TV all night!!  The Apocalypse has arrived!!  I cannot manage my life from this state of inertia.  To get nothing done other then work.... (so I can have money for more keg outings).  How disgusting and devastating addiction is.... in EVERY form it takes.

Mentally.... This ties into the obsessive thoughts.  Addiction I believe is a large part mental, it's the things we tell ourselves that spin us deeper into addiction.  It's the mental process that keeps us hooked in the unhealthy cycle of low self worth and low self acceptance.  I have been trying to allow my body the rest and keep my thoughts positive but as the disease of addiction continues to progress even my positive daily affirmations have lost their power.  My morning mediation is but a formality these days, not holding the positive mind power that they do on a normal basis.  My mental state is skating on thin ice and this is where an uninformed person seeks out the doctor for the meds to make it all better.  This is where I know the most work needs to be put in, in order to recover completely from this disease... and trust me I believe in FULL recovery.  You have to do the work though, and that is not an easy task.

Spiritually..... When I overeat... even by a bite I begin to close the connection to my spirit.  Overeating harms my body and my higher power doesn't stick around for any harm inflicted upon her.  She has zero tolerance for this.  I can still pray to the God of my understanding and connect spiritually to the universe to a certain degree, but more access is granted to me when I am in good with my own intuition and higher self.  This self harm through food has made it exceedingly difficult for me to tap that inner light and that inner love I feel when I am clear of all self harm and inner toxins.  I have tapped that place several times now and can truly feel the void or disconnect from my inner light, which ironically makes me wanna eat more and seek outside myself that filler which my disease says is sure to make it better.  Addiction takes me away from myself, my higher self... addiction is self punishment and again my higher power cannot be present for that.

Emotionally..... And this my friends is the bottom line.  Food takes me out of my feelings.  Dope takes me out of my feelings. Sex takes me out of my feelings.  Getting into a romantic relationship takes the focus off my life and there for out of my emotions and replaces them with the instant filler of lust emotions.  Work takes me out of my feelings because I am too busy to feel.  I am forever getting out of my feelings  My circulation has been terrible these past few weeks.  My hands fall asleep when I deep breath for twenty minutes in the morning and my hands are asleep when I wake up everyday.  Louise Hay's book, Heal your life' says that circulation represents the ability to feel and express the emotions in a positive way.  I believe that every.... and I mean Every single physical ailment we have is based in an emotional issue.  When things get physical for me I perk my ears up and listen to my emotions...... or in a perfect world thats what i strive to do.  Every addiction issue I have always comes full circle back to my stupid unexpressed feelings.

As the onion peels, I am learning that feelings are more then the momentary waves of obvious identifiable emotions.  I am learning they run much deeper like the feeling of stress.  Learning how to identify stress in my world and then learning how to deal with it is a huge feat of recovery... it's doing the work.  Learning how to express sorrow of the break up of my marriage is the second step to accepting that I even feel sorrow over something that I choose to create, thus moving past the guilt and shame of it.   Wrapping my brain around that fact that I can actually feel an out of context feeling and not have to pin that feeling on a person or situation to be able to express it... learning to express it myself in a healthy way are gigantic lessons for me.

This is where I am at in my recovery.  Still trying desperately to cover up my emerging emotions with all the coping tools of my past... and with little success.  I am being forced... truly forced to move on in my growth process and well as normal I am doing it with the grace of a strong willed 3 year old.... throwing a tantrum in the grocery store.

So now that I have written out the first part of step one for you I should take pen to paper and really dig a bit deeper in the privacy of my beautiful living room before the chaos of my girls getting up hits.  I thank you for being a part of my journey and recovery, learning to share myself with others has not been an easy task, this form of sharing has eased me into face to face sharing that has proven to be way more effective then my mind could have ever imagined.  I am so grateful to you for opening that door for me.  Thank You.

Will I walk through Samhains Door?

I have so much going on in my mind as usual...

Actually I don't even think its my mind, it's more my emotions.  I find this phase of my journey to be really hard to label and understand.  I think I have always processed my feelings through my head so when emotional issues hit I rationalize them, divert them and move on.  Today I am learning a new way and it's .... hard.

I know that I stuff my feelings with food and that knowledge has blown my ignorance out of the water.  I can no longer bliss out on food.  I used to Sex my way out of my feelings, such a powerful distraction to dealing with my shit.  I can no longer bliss out in the strangers bedroom.  When all that failed I moved to substances to kill the feelings that refused to be ignored or rationalized or diverted ... I cant do that anymore.

Today  I know that when I am doing those things feelings are bubbling to be dealt with.  I have been walking through these feelings the past month or so and trying hard to just sit in them.  I am eating chocolate and drinking coffee like they are both going out of style.  I am still running.

Why is it so hard to just let them come up to be dealt with?  What am I so afraid of??

I am living a good life today....... NO,   Great Life today, probably the best yet.   I am doing the work for my inner health, so why do I refuse to walk through this door?   Why do I refuse to walk into my feelings?

Rationally I know that nothing bad will come of this, that by walking through the door my life can only get 'even' better.  So why then will my rationalization which I am so fond of not appease me right now?

Am.... I actually afraid of it getting better?

Honestly?   Maybe that is it.  I have been asked before to imagine how good my life can get.  And my life got real good.   Then I asked myself how good can I handle it?  And I pushed for even more good and got it.  I was on top of the world.  My friends are probably sick of hearing this story.  But i wonder now if I am holding on to the story because I have some beliefs holding me back that were born out of that time in my life.

You see the story of my grande success a few years back, ended tragically for me.  I use theatrics to hide the pain of how devastating that period of my life was.  I had it all and the fall from that pedestal was a long one.
I am scared of ruining this good in my life today the same way I did then.  Every day thats good my fear grows.  With every intimate conversation I have with loved ones my fear grows.  With every bonus at work my fear grows.  Every time my girls amaze me..... my fear grows.

I am almost to the point of 'deathly afraid' of losing all this.  Losing it by my own hand.  No one takes this shit from me, no one pushes my off the pedestal.  No I jump myself tearing it all down with me.  I take the sledge hammer to my life and destroy it before anyone else can.  I am in full control of my own demise.

I can see my past as a cartoon right now as each time I rose up in success the goofy rubber sledge hammer comes out to bonk my B'jenga blocks to the ground.  It's almost ridiculous how clear my pattern is and how deep my fear is to move again in that direction.

So does ignorance work in the same way for the good as it does for the bad habits.  No longer able to bliss out on the bad habits and no longer gonna take the blowup sledge hammer to my good?

So if I am always preaching that first comes awareness, then acceptance and finally action... I guess I am in that brutally aware phase.  How do I accept this fear?  And what action do I take to move forward past it?  Through that super scary door that won't stop jumping up in my path??  The gloomy door of feelings?

Ugh... cycles.  The goddess card that i meditated upon today spoke of accepting our cycles and that there is always down cycles to match the good cycles.  This too shall pass she reassured.  I find it amusing as we are coming up on Samhain the witches new year, that I am becoming aware of a pretty deep pattern in my life.

I always destroy my shit because one I am afraid of success and two refuse to walk through my feelings. Soon the turn of the year will be upon us and so too is my life about to begin a new cycle.  I guess my choice is whether i want to cycle with these feeling avoiding tactics for another year or if I want to embark on a new journey into the emotional depths of my being.....

Ugh that thought seriously makes me wanna vomit.  Oddly enough I know its the path I need to choose.  I cannot do another year in this ignorance unblissed torture.

Take Care of You, like No One else can.

So much to write about and not fast enough fingers to keep up with my train yard of thoughts.  All week long I think of what I want to share today and by the time I get to today my life has already moved far past that original thought making it obsolete.

My internal personal growth astounds me on a regular basis.  When you are ready and open and willing to move ahead in life and you take all the proper steps, things move at the speed of light.  That has been my experience anyways.  Maybe its because I have been actually learning this for ten plus years now and it is just finally clicking.  Truly I am  slow learner.  Personal growth and spiritual Ascension is a process and maybe I am just finally seeing the results of some hard worked process's.

Whatever, it is what it is and learning to just, be in it,  is my lesson for today.

Self care, that's what I want to write out today.  Recently I wrote about the stages of relapse, now I need to physically connect to the ways in which self care keep me grounded and healthy.. body, mind and spirit.

There are several points Melody Beatty makes in her self care checklist, not all apply to me so I am only going to focus on what I need in order to stay healthy.  I highly encourage anyone on a recovery path of any sort to read a Melody Beatty book her wisdom on getting healthy is second to none.

Maintaining a daily routine is imperative for me.  I used to try to make my routine so tight and rigid every detail of the entire day planned, that when it was knocked off balance I was a mess for days.  Today I focus on only a few things to keep my days feeling somewhat in my control yet learning to just live life on its terms.

I have a morning practice of meditation.  I spend thirty minutes first thing in the morning with myself doing deep breathing exercises.  I have learned that I hold my breath when I am stressed and didn't even realize how shallow breathed I was until I began deep breathing.  When I take enough oxygen into my system I am less tired and have way more brain power to function.  Doing this daily also helps me check in with my current state of being.  Some days I can barely focus on one full breath because my mind is so cluttered with stuff and other days I have perfect rhythm and clear mind the entire practice.  Learning my states helps me understand when to act on a thought or feeling and when to let go.  This is the sole practice that I cannot let go of or my days go out the window.  I truly don't know how people function that don't practice daily mediation.  In the evening I sit for an hour with my deity in prayer, journal writing and guided meditation.  I do a daily gratitude list in the evening, this time is my step ten where I process my day.  These two practices are my daily routine that keep me grounded and moving forward, this today is my program.

Setting and achieving daily and long term goals.  Constructive planning.  Appropriate decision making.  These are all things Melody speaks of that come without saying when you are on a healthy path.  If these start to slide or you lose focus of these its a warning your not working towards something and we all know if your not moving forward your sliding backwards.

Personal care is another big one for me.  I love the feeling of rubbing a nice cream on my body after a shower.  I enjoy how sensual it makes me feel when my clothes slide along my skin instead of rubbing against the dry patches on my legs.  I like using products that help me to feel pretty and smell nice. Plus a great bath with scented lavender oil makes for a great sleep and rest is key to a healthy lifestyle.  I also like dressing to feel good.  Eating a nutritious diet is a big one for me as well.  When we eat proper portions and follow the Canada food guide our minds and emotions even out and we become balanced within our body.  I exercise on a daily basis as well because this gets me out of my head and into my body.   Being connected to my body is very important for my overall health as I tend to live from my head.

Setting boundaries, resentment free and accepting my emotions is probably the toughest areas for me.  It takes me awhile to recognize a feeling.  It takes me a bit of time to work up the courage to set a boundary and once its set and accepted by the other its even harder for me to keep that boundary myself.  Knowing what my needs are and then seeking to meet those needs is I think another number one for self care.  Its when I ignore my needs that I start to slip into the escapism and the bad behaviours.

Working through feelings of anger have been a recent struggle for me lately.  Understanding that attaching a thought to a feeling is not necessary and that is actually the process by which we create the resentment in the first place.  I learned that I don't have to be mad at someone in order to work through a feeling of anger.  Sometimes we have feelings like we have thoughts that are just random and don't need a tonne of analyzing to work through.  ..... That my friends is a huge huge lesson for me!  I don't need to act on every feeling just like I don't need to act on every thought.

Connection with people.  I am now learning this on a new exciting level.  Part of my self care regime is letting my loved ones in, really giving and receiving love from the people closest to me.  I never realized how much I can give but how little I allow myself to receive.  Being tapped into a higher power I have tonnes of Love in me, that's not an issue, letting people in to love me is.  I am pushing my comfort bubble these days and getting more intimate with my children, my close friends and my co-workers.  It feels a bit scary but at the same time I can feel the respect and love come off of them towards me and it encourages me to keep going.  I had no idea I was not open to love until now.... until I began to feel it.

The last thing on my self care list is... having fun!  I have spent such a huge part of my life working so hard on self help perfection strategies that I have lost sight many many times to just enjoy life.  We are meant to just be, not to figure out the workings of the universe in one day.... we are here to play and laugh and experience a physical reality.  I must keep this fun front and center in my world or I begin to backslide and then seek out the unhealthy ways I used to have fun and well we all know where those ways take us.

Well there you have it... The self care checklist.  Moving beyond a program of recovery into a living program of overall health and vibrancy. As the saying goes.... as long as I follow this way I have nothing to Fear.   I am truly excited about my jounrey these days and where it might lead.  I feel like Forrest Gump, just floating like a feather on a breeze.

Riding a Pallet Raft on the River of LIfe

After much analyzing and much self berating I have come to the conclusion that I am in a low time and that's okay.

I am always in a place of bettering myself.  Working expertly hard on creating inner happiness and when not achieving that, trying some new and different.  I am always doing, doing, doing.  I am master of creating my reality, I am master of breath and directing my thoughts.  I am skilled at cultivating the feelings I choose to have and am truly in full control of every facet of my life.

Everything in that above paragraph is from a place of my Ego/addict/lower self.

Learning to let go of that side of myself means learning to just flow with the river of life.  Letting go of control.  Letting go of trying to be something I am not, of feeling something I am not suppose to.   Learning to flow means accepting the direction of the river and not getting out when I decide I have had enough, or when the turn takes me in a direction that I think is wrong.  Learning to flow means accepting the peaceful ponds as equally as accepting the grande rapids.  It also means accepting the long stretches of the boring sameness.

This is a very tough lesson for me.  Just learning to be.  Just being.  Not judging, just observing whats going on within me.  Detachment has been a ten year lesson for me and one that I think is pounding at my door now.

Let me get real....

I am feeling sick all the time these days, I am burnt out from work and all the excruciating work I put into myself and my recovery in this past year.  I had a wonderful boundary setting talk with my boss the other day where I stated how hard I work and how hard I play and how equally hard I crash.  I do nothing halfway its all or nothing.  Easy does it is lost entirely on me.

I am still of the school of extremes.

When I feel under that acceptable happiness barometer I have set for myself, I get a little crazy.  If I cant get myself out of it in a reasonable time my mind slips back to memories of 6 year long depressions and I panic.  Either upping the happiness anti or beating the shit out of myself to speed up the inevitable.

What I am learning today is that sometimes we have days, even weeks where we are just not brimming with overflowing joy.  And thats okay.   I can see from past experience when I can maintain that joyous nature for extended periods, I am either high or manic.  Neither a welcomed state for me today.

So accepting below the line energy after a long season of hard outdoor work is okay.  Giving myself permission to not be in top form and practicing my standard of perfection is okay.  I am okay.   It's such a scary thought for me to slip below that line and get lost again in that misery again.  However when i see that I am practicing my self care, doing the things necessary for myself to be fully healthy then all I can do is accept the feelings and state that I am in as the state I am suppose to be in.

Compassion for others starts with compassion for myself.  I lack compassion.  I expect perfection.  Fuck step six is kicking my ass these days and flooding light all over my character defects.  Perfectionist, bully and I push to hard.  Lots of prayers have been going out to remove these defects and to move on to letting go and detaching from the behaviour and understanding that is not who I AM.

So flowing down my river in not a fancy river pontoon but a make shift pallet raft is where I will be if you need me.  Facing my inner defective demons and eating humble pie.... all of that said with an abundance of gratitude for accepting the fact that down days are as powerful and wonderful as up days.  I get to spend yet another day cuddling my beautiful yet growing like a beanpole baby girl on our gorgeous couch watching movies on a TV I bought with my hard earned money.  Life is good even if I do feel like a bag of shit.  Thanks for listening,

When Anger turns into Rage

**Repost**  

I can feel this anger beginning to seethe right below the surface of my exterior.  Like hot lava just waiting for its moment to erupt.  My analytical mind searches desperately for its root cause so that I may apply the years of training I have had on controlling my emotions.  Yet the searing burn of the emotion blinds my mind to any productive thought process.

 I have been on youtube looking up techniques for dimming anger and I am lead to pages upon pages of meditations and visualizations to help you release the anger.  I listen to talks by Guru's on how anger is a figment of your imagination and therefor not real.  I am faced with all the information that supports the idea that resentments only hurt the person holding them.

None of this is effective for me right now.  I have done the visualizations.  I deeply understand that holding anger is not good for me and is definitely not doing anything to the situation or person it is directed towards.

 Yet I am still seething and wonder why.

This morning in meditation I felt like my higher power was giving me permission to just feel it.  I think maybe that's my root problem is that I completely shut these feelings out knowing that they are not helpful to me.  I skip the steps of moving through the emotion in light of staying in my head and processing there.  I am beginning to learn that I cannot process an emotion in my head.

That thought scares me.

I remember the last time I allowed myself to feel anger, it exploded into rage and became way way larger then I was.

My ex husband had just moved me and my oldest and only daughter at the time to a small isolated northern town for his career.  Within three months of being there and also three months pregnant he wanted to break up.  He claimed he didn't love me anymore nor thought he ever had.  In that moment I was devastated.  Looking back there was pure truth to his words, I was just incapable of seeing it at the time.  I instead went into a rage that was out of my world.

I broke shit.  I yelled.  Then I begged and pleaded.  Then I coward and sunk into the pitty pot.  Then I bounced back out into an even deeper rage.  This went on for months.  I realized my rage was larger then me when after breaking nearly everything in my home I stood in front of the TV with a five pin bowling ball and wondered what the TV would do if I threw the ball at it.   That's when I got scared.

Since that day and up till that day I never ever allowed myself to feel pain in any form.  That rage was years of it erupting like lava.  Looking back today I can see clearly what was happening.  I was angry at being abandoned and left by yet another male in my family.  It was truly my dad the rage was directed at not my ex husband.  (Actually upon proofing this post I see that it was not even my dad I was angry at, it was just the emotion of pain over abandonment that was the cause.  I think learning to not point blame and own the emotion for what it really is.... just an emotion, like a thought that can be overdone.) Looking back now it was a prefect opportunity for us to part ways saving many wasted years....... but oh well can't dwell on that now.

So what is the anger that's beginning to surge through me now?  How do I move through this anger without a repeat of bowling ball to TV?  I love my TV.  Meditations are great, but is not approaching the situation or person better?  Are meditations in some cases just another way to not deal with the issues at hand.  I guess for childhood stuff there isn't anything other then meditations or journalling to deal with it.  What about the stuff that still goes on today?  That must fall under self care.

Going even deeper, how do I deal with something bugging me today but has a link to childhood stuff?  How do I keep the earlier rage out of the now stuff?   I feel like this seething is gonna erupt whether I am ready to deal with it or not, I might as well direct it as best as I can while I still can.  I cannot stuff it with food anymore it's just not working.

.........hmmmm.

Walking through my feelings has got to be the toughest part so far of recovery.  I have no idea what they are when they come up, and once I do identify them I have no idea what they mean or how to effectively handle them.  Its like I am meeting this whole new side of myself that truly has a mind and energy all of its own.  It's surprising and I feel a bit threatened by this side of me.  I have ran the show all these years from my head and now this newcomer waltzes in and thinks she has a better way of living from this thing called the heart?   wtf?

This is gonna be an interesting year for me, I can just feel it.

The Pattern of Relapse

What an internal trail I have been trekking these past few weeks.  Nice clean pastures followed by valleys and mountain slopes.  Peaceful at times and then shattered by ferocious roars bursting out of the brush.  Inviting gurgling brooks where I stop and just enjoy the surroundings, and 90 degree slopes that I must pick ax my way up.  

This of course is all metaphorical and inside my own over active imagination.   Theres a full thriving complete world in between these two ears of mine.  But thats a story for another post....

I am processing the Cycle of Relapse.

Being that my story involves so many starts and stops, I am deeply interested in why one relapses when the desire is deep for recovery.  I am also intrigued by the layers of relapse.  When drugs are no longer the focal point, it is amazing to me all the different points that come into focus to replace dope.

I have learned through my third sponsor that I can seek the answers to my recovery questions anywhere I need to if I cannot find them within the rooms of the twelve step fellowship I belong to.  I have asked several people about relapse and the cycle of it and have not received sufficient information to satisfy my insatiable appetite for recovery knowledge.  Even reading the AA blue book and the living clean book have been inadequate in supplying the answers I seek.

 During my entire set of steps, my sponsor and I worked not only the NA steps but also Melody Beattie's Co-dependent steps.  I found the CoDA side of explanations to hit much closer to home for me then the NA ones.  I  am finding the answers on relapse in the same place.

I am in a spiritual relapse.

I like my labels to be able to define and categorize where exactly in my compartmentalized brain the concept fits.  I struggled with considering my mindset as a drug relapse because I have no desire to use and even when presented with the option I choose not to.  Not that I will always as I am a drug addict and can only keep my recovery for so long if I am not working a program.  But I am working a program and still feel like shit.  Actually scratch that last line I am not fully working a program.

I am now understanding my idea of what a program is may be the starting problem.  To me going to meetings, doing step work and connecting to people in recovery is what working a program is.  However I am learning that it actually goes a bit deeper then that now.  Working a program is about self care.  Eating properly, getting enough exercise and taking care of my personal hygiene.  It also means setting boundaries, taking responsibility for myself and honoring my roles in life as mother, employee, Friend and so on.  So working a program now is deeper then when I first came into recovery.  I am not working my program to the best of my ability.

The current book I am reading by Melody Beattie points out all the ways in which we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy, mind, body and spirit, right after she outlines the stages of relapse.  Thats what I am more intrigued about right now.  I need to know the why's and hows of whats going on in my world.  I know something shifted in me a while back, what I don't get is why it shifted.

Now I know why...

So the first step in an emotional relapse or a spiritual one, or even a drug one is... Your emotions shut down.

Looking back now I can see the exact place that this occurred for me.  I was in a place of Goddess connected Love and Bliss for a good solid four or five months around the turn of the year.  I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable early spring and then an insatiable desire to seek out the bad boy.  I convinced myself that it was an innocent past time I was looking for and coming from a place of blissful connection I could handle it.  I see in my 20/20 hindsight that something before that stirred up some feelings of pain and I needed to numb out..... distract with the patterned behaviour of getting romantically involved.  That pattern in its extreme form is the endless string of boyfriends that end up going nowhere.... I see now its just a way of avoiding my own feelings and... Pain.

After Shutting the emotions down our compulsive behaviors return.  The first one for me is over eating followed by a pattern of starving myself under the disguise of healthy fasting cleanses.  When this behavior shows up I know I am stuffing feelings but am usually to clouded to see and just keep cycling here.  When I progress to extremes I move into dope and then the final stage for me is sexing the entire football team.  I can see clearly now my own compulsive patterns.  I have always been on the verge of understanding for a bit now, just not seeing how they all fit into the puzzle, now I do.  Self awareness is key to being able to fully take care of yourself and thus work an effective program.  This phase takes a while to get to though.

After the compulsive behaviors start then that victim self image returns.  Now for me after reading the definition Melody lays out for victim mentality I realize I don't have that, I actually embody the opposite.... runner mentality.  I refused from a very young age after reading a book about child sexual abuse survivors to become a victim.  So instead I grew into the worlds top sprinter.  When I begin to get edgy, not being able to figure out why I am over eating I start the process of elimination.  I do that by finding the last thing that irritated me and I cut it out of my life.  recently it was work.  I am tired and want a break from the long hours, so I figured it was time to write up a new resume and begin the process of looking for a new job.  My runner mentality needs new focus and to create external passion in my life.  Looking for a new job was that for me this time.  Lots of times in the past its been a move to a new house/town/province.

The next phase of relapse is that our self worth drops.  I can see this with looking for a new job.  I started to feel bad because I was gonna jump ship on my boss who has been nothing but wonderful too me.  I started to justify why I needed to move on and it was even getting to the point where I was starting to sabotage my job by way of shitty attitude towards my beloved boss.  Wow, the sinking sensation in my soul even as I write that is effecting my self esteem right now.  My God lets me get away with Nothing these days.... nothing.

At this phase of the cycle is when the crazies return.  Fear comes up and we begin to function from this place.  At my one year cake I opened my sharing with the fact that I am in fear again.  I could not understand why.  I felt undeserving, depressed, over extended, over sensitive  to the point of almost desperation.  I was back in a place of using pain without the fucking dope.... how was this right??

This is where the behaviors come full blown.  This is also where my relapse has stopped.  This is where the fuck you I am gonna act the way I want because I am a scared caged animal lashing out starts.  This is quickly followed by... for me, drug relapse and the... holy fuck how did I get here again!!  I remember this feeling way to clearly from my first several relapses in early recovery.

I cycled through this list at mach speed in early recovery, probably because I never made it to the beginning where my feelings were even open to have a place to shut down.  Thats what the spiritual awakening was for me... Through working the twelve steps openly and honestly I did open to my feelings, thats the difference in my relapse today.  I had further to cycle.

Recovery really is a process that requires patience and a balance of fun in order to get through the layers of the onion necessary to get to the core of why you use to cope in the first place.  Now that i understand the cycle of relapse my attention has moved into what pain was coming up that I wanted to shut out in the first place.  I think through the meeting last night I have a pretty good idea.  A pain that I need to work out in private.  Learning what to disclose was on Melody's self care checklist, something that I think I need to get intimate with.  So this one I will need to process in private I think.

So now that I understand the cycling of relapse, awareness being the first Key, now I can work on the actions needed to keep it from happening again.   Self care.  It's always, always boils down to self care.  And the ways in which we can take care of oursleves is an endless life long journey in itself.  So It looks like I have my work cut out for me.

Have a great Thanksgiving Everyone!!

*** Reposted***  Two years ago.

Is it Easier to Give then to Receive?

 I am having one hell of a time opening my heart chakra.  I have come to the new understanding that I struggle with accepting Love from others.  I am shut off to the receiving of Love.  I cannot let others in.

Those are all pretty negative statements about myself.  My years of new age philosophical study have shown me that these kinds of thoughts and affirming statements keep me in that stuck place.  To turn it around I must affirm something different.  I have been saying some Louis Hay affirmations and this one seems to have triggered  my new understandings...

I am one with Life, and all Life loves me and supports me.

Therefor, I claim for myself high self worth and self esteem.  I love and appreciate myself on every level.  

I am not my parents, nor any addictive pattern they may have had.

No matter what my past may have been, now in this moment

I choose to eliminate all negative self-talk and to love and approve of myself.

I am my own unique self, and I rejoice in who I am.  I am acceptable and lovable.

This is the truth of my being, and I accept it as so.

All is well in my world.

Louis Hay is queen of affirmations.  She has  book called Heal your Life and it is a wonderful program of peeling your inner onion.  I tried her program before falling into the rooms of NA.  I never got her program then, but now through the twelve steps I can access her teachings more openly now.

I started saying this affirmation about a month ago.  I say it when I go to bed.  She has one of these detailed affirmations written up after each chapter of her workbook.  I never really understood why I was saying this one until yesterday. It's an affirmation about addictions which seemed fairly obvious to me when I began chanting it nightly.  What has come to my attention now though is how much more I need to work through other then the surface issue of addiction.

'I am one with life and all life LOVES and SUPPORTS me'.    

I am fairly comfortable tapping divine love in meditation.  I am even getting comfortable generating my own self love through treating myself well and letting myself have fun and enjoy life.  I can feel love rush my heart when I call on it and I can feel it when I eat well or do something healthy for myself.  I love basking in this new found love from my higher self.

I have become uncomfortably aware I am not so okay with others loving me and supporting me though.  Thats what my one year celebration boomed from the box inside my reality.  I am not comfortable with outside support and Love.  I can hear nails grating on a chalkboard.

I don't really understand at this point why that is, other then the obvious... lack of trust.   Is it really that though?  I have been looking deeply into every relationship I have and I can see the continuous flow of outward love from me, but a huge iron wall blocking that flow of love back.  I can give, but cannot seem to receive.  No wonder why I am exhausted these days.

My youngest daughter was rubbing my leg as we cuddled, watching a movie the other day.  I could not focus on the movie, my mind was intensely focused on the uncomfortable sensation that her action was having on my entire physical, mental and emotional being.  I kept telling myself she was just expressing love and to relax and allow it in.  I didn't stop her,and I never relaxed.

That example was probably a poor one, as sexual abuse and physical touching will take years for me to work through, but it does go to show that my wall is there.  I don't let anyone in, physically or otherwise.  Probably why the emotionally unavailable guy is so seductive to me.  He won't seek what I can't give and vice versa.

'I am acceptable and lovable'.       ......not.......

I think this is the line of real focus at the end of this affirmation.  Going beyond the physical abuse of my childhood is really the emotional abuse.  This here ties into to my post yesterday and what deep beliefs were born out of not being protected and cared for properly as a child.  In my immaturity I felt not worthy or lovable enough for someone to stand up for me.  Even when my parent found out about the sexual abuse that had been taking place for almost ten years, they did nothing about it.  The good ol' fashion carpet brush.  I guess to a child if her parents didn't care, then why would anyone else in the world.

I can almost see the walls building in my teen years.  Brick by brick as each toxic teenage relationship affirmed my unlovableness.  The wall just kept getting higher until I started another wall behind the first one.  I am sure today that wall is three layers deep.  

So how do I get past this?  

Awareness, acceptance and action.  

I am always the bright student when it comes to awareness.  I hear it constantly from my counselors and sponsors.  "B, good for you and your awareness, thats the first step'.   I am aware of everything because I trained myself as a child to be highly alert.  I had to be.  To protect myself.  Acceptance is the issue.  I wanna get laid today.  In the worst kind of way.  I know I cant get loaded, my families eyes are on me now.... Stupid marriage of recovery and family through the one year celebration, man NA is ridiculously effective..  So whats the next best way to escape reality for me.... sex'er up!

I need to prove myself wrong on this whole accepting love thing because I know I feel love when I hook up with a guy.  What else can that feeling be?  It makes my heart wanna jump right out of my chest.  I feel warm, loved and on top of the world.  I feel safe and invincible when I am nestled in the arms of a guy.  It doesn't matter if it's a stranger or not, I feel acceptable.

Until the next morning.

So what is it that a seedy, creepy guy gives me that fills me up?  Diseases!  Kinda like my dope feeds a disease.  Why does all of this all need to be so contradictory.  I can hop into bed with a stranger and be okay, yet when my own flesh and blood rubs my leg I wanna crawl outta my skin.

Acceptance without the work.  Thats what the guy gives me.

This stuff I know already, yet still kinda unwilling to accept it.  I would rather the five minutes of relief with a guy then to face the fact I have a shit tonne of work to do.  Pulling down this wall brick by brick makes me squirm in my chair as I type this.  I don't even know where to begin.

I guess once the acceptance occurs then the steps to take action will fall into place.  This is where that serenity prayer steps in and guides my higher power take care of all those details.  I just have to become ready... back to the third step.  No wonder we say both prayers during every meeting.  Sneaky bastards!

I really don't know what I am afraid of.  What would be so bad about allowing love into my life?  I love giving it.  What is so tough about receiving it?  Would my life not be better if I could?  And can I honestly say I am not receiving any at all?  I can feel it seeping in through the cracks in my wall, like everyone's kind words the other night.  What am I afraid will happen when i let my wall down?  My kids are not gonna hurt me.  Maybe the toxic guy will and maybe the vindictive bitch will, but my family won't.  My close friends won't.  And if they unintentionally do, I am way smart and will logicalize that hurt and understand instantly why they did.  So what really am I so freaked out about that I am willing to risk gonorrhea for?

Getting rid of the deep belief that I am not acceptable or lovable.  That's really whats gonna remove the wall.  I need to believe that I am acceptable.  I need to believe that I am Lovable.  Because I don't believe those two.  Accepting those will be the very quick flow into action.  That's where my river is damned.

I guess for now I will keep saying the affirmations that will trick my brain into slowly shifting consciousness from unlovable to lovable, from unacceptable to acceptable.  Till that shift occurs I need to say my serenity prayer and distract myself from that incredibly enticing, hard bodied, sexy, oiled up playboy..........

Oh, Dear Goddess Help me.