The 'M' Complex.

I love Mother Nature today.  All this rain in early October is not welcomed by my Boss who is trying to run a successful Landscaping business, but to me it is a much, much needed break.  Finally I have had a few days off to not only recharge these old bones but to also catch up on my house work, bill paying, grocery shopping and to even have time to relax with my girls.

I can understand the deep importance of having balance in all these area's now.  I never gave rest and relaxation other then 30 minutes of mediation daily much thought until recently.  There is something deeply therapeutic about being able to just rest not only your body but your mind for a few hours at a time.  I am always from the mind set if your not being productive then your not being.   We are human.... beings though, not human doings.   I am always the human doing and never just the human being.

Let me move quickly into the topic before I lose my nerve.  That first line sparked a topic that is much needed for discussion in my world.  A long over due discussion actually.

Mother.

I can almost hear the groan.  I don't even know where that guttural sound originates from.  My mom for the better part of my life was my best friend.  I called her for everything.  I moved her up to my northern town 9 hours from home because I could not stand to be without her.  However, somewhere along the way of addiction and recovery I have come to feel such deep intense feelings of pain, rage and contempt towards her.  These feelings confused me and now I think it is time I face those feelings so that I can move on.

How did I come up with that realization?  This is the area of life that I love most now that I am connecting with God/dess.  The signs I get, the lessons I am awarded for just being.  When I observe my life from a detached place I can see the signs that connect with one another and from those signs I get my message from Spirit.

My one year cake celebration meeting was this past weekend.  I entered into that meeting with fear and trepidation.  These past few months I have been shutting down and closing off, I couldn't really put my finger on why.  Until that meeting.  What I thought was fear over being the center of attention was actually the fear of facing my mother head on, the last link to the misery of my past.  The final puzzle piece to be placed in the picture of my pain and suffered childhood.

Letting go always an issue for me.  More comfortable in my self created Hell then the glorious light of the world.  My mother meeting my recovery was why I was sweating the celebration meeting.  My mother being included in my growing light is why I wanted to get loaded and throw it all away.  Having my mother bear witness to real love that is shared with me, love that she couldn't give me as a child and love that I now refuse from her was the reason I didn't want to invite her into my recovery.

I came to all these conclusions from what someone else shared about their own mother during that birthday celebration.  I could feel myself get hard inside and knew that I had some shit to face.  My mom doesn't read my blog, not because she doesn't want to, she does.  I told her honestly that my words might hurt her here and I truly don't want to hurt my mom.  However I am still hurting over a lot of things from my distant past and not so distant past, that need to be expressed.  This is where I process those feelings.  This is my safe place.

I cut my mom out of my life these past few months.  After the meeting I realized I wasn't afraid of being center of attention, I wasn't afraid of the intimacy.  I was truly afraid of my mother being there.  The fear I think though is double sided.  I don't want to see my mom hurt and I really did want to share that the women in the rooms of NA have loved me more fully and deeply then my own mother ever has.  I didn't want my mom to know that's how I feel.  I didn't want my mom to see how many people love me and want to see me get better because to me my mom is the food addict that created my inability to express my feelings.  I didn't want her to realize this and feel bad and slip deeper into her food coma.  I think it was equally as much of protecting her then it was not wanting to let her in.

I am seeing that this is the facing the past that is uncomfortable but sometimes necessary.  I have said to my close support group that there is gonna be a blow out between my mom and I.  I can feel the tensions building between her and I.  More my tensions projected upon her.

I have done some deep meditative healing with my sexual abuser from my childhood.  I have been graced a live phone call with my father where he apologized for all the shittiness of my childhood and his part in it.  That phone call was the most powerfully healing interaction I have ever had with another human being.  Three simple words said with true feeling... I am Sorry, by my dad, released a tidal wave of pent up childhood scars.

I have gained forgiveness with two of my three abusers from childhood, my mother is the last one.  I have seemed to leave the toughest till last.  Probably because I still have yet to accept that her neglect and lack of protection were forms of abuse and contributed the most to my pain and suffering.  And that these forms of abuse are still playing out between us on a subtle scale.  It's easy for me to over look them as she was a child herself and knew no better and still has not learned, but my logical mind is insufficient where my heart is concerned.

I am learning that a human being not doing, just lets spirit walk her through these things.  I did indeed proceed forward to the meeting with my mom, but not so much of a graceful walk as it was a slither in the shadows.  This last piece of my puzzle is a finally that closes that chapter of my book forever.  I know I have written about the ending of my book already happening, but that was before I realized this chapter is crucial to full healing.  I was trying to keep my book clean, happy and white lighted.  Unfortunately, life is not that pristine.  The sooner I accept that the faster I will recover from the addictions that keep me in a rose colored fantasy.

I guess I will sit back now and let spirit clear the air for me and stir up the dust once again.  I will get back in my little row boat and just relax with the waves of life and know that on the other side of fear is my dreams. I will tell myself that over and over again as I heave my breakfast, yesterdays supper and all my childhood emotions up over the side of the boat as each wave rocks my stomach clean.

 I am always heading towards the light even if the skies get gray.  Look at today as a perfect example.... because the skies are gray I get a day off.  Loving the Gray!!

Rounding A Major Milestone!! ONE YEAR CLEAN

**Repost, Oct 2013**

I have been too busy lately.  Way too busy.  September is always a frantic month for me with back to school kids stuff and my belly button birthday, but add in my clean date birthday and CANA convention and all hell breaks loose in this routine little mind of mine.

I finally made it to one year of sobriety on Monday and I have yet to get here to share that with you.  That makes me sad, very sad actually.  I like my Sunday routine of blogging and this past week it was replaced with attending the NA convention.  Which in itself is fabulous and was a huge awaken-er for me, so I cannot complain there, but I am noticing that in my aging days I am lacking the energy to do it all.... actually thats not right, I have tonnes of energy when I eat right, but I am not doing that either.  I am lacking passion in my life, is a more true statement.

When I lack passion and drive for life I find it very difficult to motivate myself to do anything.  The convention awoke me to the realization I have gotten off course again in my life.  Not a huge discourse, just a starting turn in a direction of 'has been'  instead of 'whats new pussy cat'.

I took the day off work today because I am exhausted, struggling with headaches and negative thoughts.  I work 6 days a week over 8 hours each day.  I have been steady at this for several months now with only days off to go do something like conventions and stuff.  I have not had a day to just veg and do nothing.  I feel like I am constantly playing catch up and never getting ahead.  I am burning out.  This is not good for my program.  I have no time for rest or fun activities anymore... not a good place to be in.  Work/life balance is non existent.  I am suffering because of it.



..........I was one year clean on Monday!!!  Yay.  My hands are waving in the air... I did it!!  I say those words with a lack of excitement only because I am unmotivated today, something is amiss in my life.  I am truly happy I got here.  I have some reservations and fears to work through about getting loaded now, because that has been my secret promise to myself for the past six months..... every time I wanted to use, I told myself I would celebrate one year with a glass of wine.  I said it just to get myself to a year and really have no desire to drink, but there still lingers a fear there.

Beyond the reservations though is a good look at where my life is and if I am living my will or Gods will.  When I started my job landscaping, I loved it and firmly believed it was where I was meant to be.  I still believe it was the path I was to take.  However today my mind is shifting and I am not sure if it is because of my own self will and constant need for change and chaos or if it is the prayers I have been sending out about God to lead my life.

You see I have always longed to work with broken teens, since I was a little girl thats what I wanted to do.  I knew from  very young age my sexual abuse would fuck me up as a teenager and therefor potentially as an adult and that brought on this huge desire to help other girls get through it too.  As I grew up I did lots of volunteer work in that field and began my Social work course in college in my early 20's.  Somewhere along the way I got lost and today I work in landscaping.

My desires lately have been tugging me back in that social work direction.  I fight the fear of breaking back on to that path, not entirely understanding of what the fear really is though.  I struggle with working this job that keeps me away from my kids, my life and my program and is slowly loosing its luster.  I struggle with being the flake that cannot keep anything going longer then six months.  Is it boredom or am I tired of working towards someone elses dream?

My daughter came home the other night bursting with excitement over a connection she made for me.  A coworker's husband apparently works with broken teens and wants to meet me this weekend after an animated conversation with my daughter about all my history in helping people including my NA experience.  Kinda puked a bit in my mouth when she told me that part, but I guess he knows of a position that would suit me and is open right now.  I am going to meet him with a new revised resume this weekend.

Self sabotage is rampant in my mind right now.  Staying home from work, hiding in my sleep depression.  Unworthiness bouncing around my head like a wild ping-pong game.  Fighting to motivate myself for a beautiful dinner my best friend wants to gift to me for all the hard work I have put into my year staying clean, and trying to tap into the excitement of my cake celebration tomorrow night and my Woman's meeting open to men.

Being the center of attention is not something I relish in.  I can be the class clown on my own terms, I like making people laugh and smile.  But to be on the receiving end of niceties on a wider scale as this phase of my life is bringing me is highly uncomfortable...

Too much going on in my head, too much happening on the outside world.  Lots of shifting directions, lots of good positive attention, all of this is wonderful.  Yet I am so out of my element I am struggling to stay grounded.  Throw the shit at me and I am your ace in the pocket, but surround me with the white light and I am freakin basket case.

I am sure this is the fear of walking through the unknown.  I do not do anything without theatrics.....   Here is too gracefully walking into bigger and better things in my life...  Oh God... Gracefully!!

Harvesting Recovery

Happy Fall Equinox!!

 Mabon Celebration of the Pagan Year.   This is the quarter of the witches wheel that brings us into the reaping of what we have sewn this year.  Full Harvest moon still sharing her full light with us also brings celebrations a plenty!   Tonnes of energy and transformation is available to us all at this time of the year.

 In the olden days this is when our ancestors harvested the food that sustained our tribes for the coming year.  It was a busy back breaking time of year, but it was also a time of freshness and abundance and therefore much happiness and celebration.  Today we get our food from the supermarkets and if we garden its for hobby, so our reaping and sewing has moved to a more inner and personal experience.  Today pagans focus on the goals that bring them the green energy from their jobs that supply the means for the supermarket purchases.

So I ask you, what are you harvesting from your Garden this year??

I have been questioning lots this past week about what I have sewn this year and what I am reaping.  I see much growth in my garden for which I am always grateful and awestruck by and I will share in a moment, but I also have some rotten patches in my garden as well.

As I watch the flowers wilt and the leaves turn brown in my small northern city, I get a bit frustrated at the loss of beauty in the flower bed.  I have to resist the urge to pluck all unsightly foliage off the plants I maintain at work.  An impossible task in the fall, and not one thats entirely advised.  I have a hard time accepting anything unsightly in my physical vision as well as my energetic sight.  Accepting death and decay as a part of life and beauty is a hard concept for me.   I am that white lighter that wants everything pristine and perfect at all times with no negative underflow anywhere.

This time of the year is a perfect mix of marriage like happy celebration and funeral like remembrance celebration.  Funny how this time of the year right up to Samhain/Halloween is my all time favorite times of the year yet I can't stand decay.  Astrology teaches me we are a bundle of contradictions within our own personalities......

..............................


.......So moving on from the brief lesson in the pagan calender, I have come to realize a tremendous amount of stuff about myself in the past few weeks.  Thats what I want to share here today.  I am 39 years old and feel like a four month old noticing her fingers attached to her hands for the first time.  Excited at the revelations yet saddened by yet again all the wasted years.

I am finally out of obsession .......again.  I see now that anything that fills my void or distracts me from myself and my higher power becomes an obsessive game for me.  Its that instant feel good that I seek which is truly self abuse hidden in those void filling feelings.  Again my forms of obsession are drugs, food, sex and the emotionally unavailable guy.  lol  See how I have changed that from the bad boy.   I am growing up!

This past month I have been repulsed by drugs when I found my daughters stash.  I have binged and then fasted only to become so disgusted with the ridiculously played out cycle that I have gone back to eating for my body and let go of the obsession around food.  I have been shocked to hear myself gasp when a friend mentioned me bringing a guy home, ....ewe..., and I have effortlessly turned away from an opportunity to travel back down the path of the emotionally unavailable guy.   These have all encouraged the lifting of my obsessions and have free'd up my mind and spirit to pursue higher forms of thought and action.

That is the death and decay in my garden.  I have had a terrible time letting those things go.  This entire blog has been my journey though those obsessions that gripped my mind and kept me sick and asleep.  I have had moments to months of freedom this past year and it was in those clear times that I urgently planted seeds for my return in future months when I knew I would get lost again.  Coming to believe is a great process of sleep and waking to the realities of who you really are..... and thats not the monster you perceive yourself to be.   Thats what obsession tells you.

So now that I am not in that place of low self esteem and self abuse where am I?  What does my garden

grow?

Funny how I draw a blank now that I am about to talk about some good positive things about myself.  Why is it so hard for us to talk kindly about ourselves yet so easy to rip ourselves down?  I think for me that when I embrace my light and begin to share it with others, some people get offended and attack it.  I personally feel thats why I have a hard time standing in that.  I also feel somewhat arrogant when I feel that I am good at something, or that I am being true to myself and want to share that.  It's truly not arrogance as I am so easily humbled.  I never forget my place in the cosmic food chain, we are all lights and we all have incredible destinies to embrace.  By sharing my lessons I hope to ignite others to theirs, yet I still find it hard to share the good in my life.  My old blogs were so intensely negative that I lost friends over them because my friends could not stand to see me in so much pain.  I can express that easily.  Love..... not so easily.

Oh I have a recent experience to share.....

My youngest daughter was sharing a situation at school the other day with me in which she had the opportunity to practice some advice I had gifted her a while back.  As she proudly reminded me of what I had taught her she was very grateful for my words of wisdom.  I was humbled and almost moved to tears... I really am teaching my girls something.  My older daughter did her first draft on her budget last week and was astonished at where her money goes, this week we will create a solid budget and I am confident I have the strength to hold her too it when it gets tough for her.  At the beginning of the year I set the intent to focus my energy on raising my daughter well.  In the course of that year my adult daughter moved home to reap that benefit as well.... I never knew my garden could produce that, I am doubly blessed.

Last year at Samhain( Thats when the goals are created for contemplation over the winter), I was on Welfare.  I set the intent that I would find a career path that would be able to support me and my daughter and help us flourish not just survive.  I bought her two pairs of jeans for school equally over two hundred bucks!  I could afford it and she is worth it as she moves into grade 8, the year where peer pressure is the toughest.  I am working with a career counsellor gifted to me from social services to better hone my skills and apply them to a real career that will satisfy not only all my needs but incorporate my Passions into it as well.  I am reaping way more then I sewn last year this time.... I just wanted a job.  Now I have a tan, lost almost 30 pounds and have a savings account.

There are some rough patches in my garden though.  I have had to let go of a few people in my life that i loved and others that I have hurt along the way.  I have had some pretty intense confrontations with people and with some of my own inner demons.  I have had to peel away from the obsessions that I am comfortable with and provided me with security and stability.  That last one in itself was truly what recovery is all about and it is scary as shit to find a new way to live.  It's unstable, like a baby taking her first steps, not without tears.

Confidence is only born out of challenges overcome.... so in a bit of a caddy way I lower my vibration momentarily to give a shout out to all the haters in my world this past year.... thank you for helping me get stronger.

So now as I move out of this year and into my next year I wonder where it will take me.  I truly feel a phase of my life is ending and I have finally broke the cycle of self abuse and self hatred.  I feel that what I have been working on for many years is now finally complete and it is time to change directions and start something new.  I feel like a book with blank pages, a second novel to my completed first.  Empty and completely open to being filled with the abundance of the universe.   I AM FREE.

Who starts Fires to feel Joy?

**Repost, so amazing to me that I wrote a similar post last week having completely forgotten I had already been here once.... man I must have the largest fucking onion in the world too peel!**


Funny the things we use to motivate us.  I am struggling a bit to write today, for my weekly Sunday post.  The post that I look forward to the most, part of my Sunday routine and I am a stickler for my routines.  Why am I struggling to write you ask??  Cause I am weened off coffee.  It took an entire week to do soo but it is finally out of my system and i feel fabulous.  Except it was part of this enjoyable blogging routine I had on Sundays.  More then  part of it though was that I feel I need something to spark my heart in order to write.  Before coffee it was weed.  When I quit smoking dope I stopped writing for a long time, until I learned that polishing off a pot of coffee had a similar effect on me.

Beyond just needing coffee to blog, I have come to realize this week during my body cleanse and fast that I need many foods to lift my spirits.  With no exciting foods going into my system this past week I have found my emotions to be completely even.  Calm and peaceful at the beginning of the week.  Towards the end however that same calm and peaceful became flat and boring.  I began to understand how I eat not only to stuff feelings but to actually have them as well.

The girls made me watch the movie Pitch Perfect this week and there is a part in there where the creepy little Asian girl tells someone that she starts fires to feel joy.  As soon as the sentence reached my understanding I thought about all the things I do to feel joy.... food, sex, drugs, boys....  Those of course are the unhealthy ways.  I am learning new and improved ways to feel these same feelings but I was kinda shocked how mellow I am underneath all the outside influences.  How at my center I am pretty solid.

This week has been one challenge after another and I have been able to walk through them pretty unshaken.  Coming out with good realizations, one of which I want to share here today.

As my week progressed I was systematically stripped of all my connection devices.  Connections to the outside world, but not before I was presented with several minor irritations that added up to some pretty massive negative thought provoking situations for me.  In my self centered little world where everything revolves around me, I got caught in stinking thinking about how terrible I am at my job.  By the end of the week I was ready to quit.

I was too busy this week to reach out to my support group, between working my standard ten hour days and having to run errands after work for self care purposes... ei. groceries, school supplies and so on.., I didn't have the time to call anyone about the garbage in my head.  Then as texting became my only option, my cell phone battery decided it was the perfect time to crater and I was left without any time.  For my job, which is imperative nor for connection with my friends.

I stewed hard for two days about this.  Funny that the stewing really was attached to no feelings and that made me feel even more frustrated.  I never wanted to eat or break my fast, it just brought an awareness that was uncomfortable to me.  I am the one that creates the emotional waves in my life, no one else, no outside force does, just me.  Cleansing my insides kept me calm through all this even though my thoughts were ape shit.

Then it dawned on me.   I needed to calm my own mind. I needed to be my own sounding board and talk myself down from the negative thought process I was going through.  I then missed my ex husband.

This is the first time in four years I have allowed myself to miss something of him or our relationship.  I missed the way he used to be able to walk me through the tough times in my life.  Whenever I wanted to give up on something he would be there coaching me through it.  I miss that.  I see now that's what a sponsor does and reaching out to others does, they give us that coaching and boost.

The deeper lesson I learned however was that people are not always going to be available to coach you through something.  I had to talk myself through my negative thoughts Friday.  I had to be the one soothing my negative side with loving words and I had to show myself kindness.  It was extremely uncomfortable.  I felt sadness, a feeling for the first time in the week.  Sadness that I have been the last person out of all my friends and family to show myself love and compassion.

Learning to be single, truly and to take care of myself and all of my own needs means being able to be my own best friend.  To be able to coach myself through tough patches in my life and to gain strength that no matter where I am in life and who is with me that I will be okay.  I am a co-dependent girl who needs something to lean on at all times, people, food, places... whatever.   I need something outside myself to fill me up with a sense of self worth.  This past week brought a deep comfortable awareness that I am learning to find what I need within myself.

I think after four years of running from the original reason why I left my ex I am finally finding what I was seeking then.  Independence.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  I have been so focused on the physical that I have missed the emotional, mental sides of that separation.  Funny how I need to separate from some

others in order to connect with myself.  Life is about connection.  I guess not all connections are healthy ones.  Maybe that will be my new lesson to walk through.

I am Nobody's Power Source!!

In the blog I deleted just before this one... I have had four fully developed blogs in the past four years that I have deleted just when the meat was cooked to perfection.  This blog has now officially surpassed that and I think I may enjoy the beef.  Yay.  I really am doing things differently this time in my life and pushing past all sorts of comfort zones.  But again the point of the paragraph.....  Before I deleted the last blog I spoke lots about energy and how our bodies are made up of pure energy and how we exchange that energy with others.  That's what I would like to introduce to this blog.

I notice that when Spirit want me to learn something I go through this spiral patterning.  The first time I experience the lesson it is new to me.  Then as I go through the same pattern several more times I become more aware of the lessons and then I strive to break the pattern.  We have lots of patterns we spend our whole lives never noticing, and we have smaller quicker lessons we pattern through.  This energy one that I want to share with you is a quicker lesson for me.

I need to be careful with how deep I go with this here for my loving addict readers.  I have been seen as crazy and off the rails with many of my friends including my ex husband over the years, due to my beliefs in the metaphysics and I don't want to jump into that here and now.  I just want to share with you what I think could benefit you from what I am experiencing.  Ancient traditions leaned heavily on the sharing of ones story and story telling of the ancestors to help people get through their struggles.  Thats the whole theory behind this blog, to share my story and experiences in hopes that you might too learn something about yourself through my lessons.  Or just have a good laugh at how ridonculous my life can be....  whichever.

So let me start with explaining that most of our bodies are made up of energy.  Don't quote me but I think only 30 percent of what you see in this world is actually hard matter the rest is anti matter, which is pure energy.  We are pure energy.  Energy is always shifting and moving it can not stay static, which means we are always giving and exchanging energy.  This is where  drug addicts have found a loop hole....

You see because we are all energy, we need other people to survive.  We need people to share energy with.  Of course there are other exceptions to this rule, but generally we need others to survive.  As drug addicts have learned though we can tap an energy source through our dope and cut all human life away from our little world.  Through drugs we can open an energy portal that will sustain us.... until it kills us.  A dark energy portal...

I will stop that line of exploration there though because its not where I want to go with this post.  I have many ideas and theories on the source of that energy portal that I would love to discuss but for another time. When we are no longer in that dark energy it is up to us to tap into a light energy and to keep that energy strong.  I am struggling hard with this these past few weeks.

I have ranted many times about how eating poorly lowers my energy and I will do it yet again today.  I am over indulging in wheat and just cannot seem to stop... the insanity of my disease alive and well wanting me dead in whatever form it needs to take.  I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning.  I am back to suicidal thoughts, I cannot even begin to explain how negatively wheat effects my mind.  I have been absent minded at work, costing my boss lots of dollars and I just about got hit by a car yesterday because I was confused.  This is serious stuff.

Now I don't think all of that is about eating poorly, a large portion is about self care.  It is up to us to take care of ourselves.  As addicts we want everyone else to take care of us.  We are infants trapped in adult bodies, I haven't grown up yet.  Eating poorly is a form of self abuse, self abuse lowers my energy.  I cannot be in my higher 'power' when I self abuse.   That is why my energy is so low its not just the specif issue of wheat.  I am always needing a scapegoat for my mind to grasp understanding.  The scapegoat here should be me.

By eating poorly I have lacked the energy, with no good fuel going into my chariot, to do the fun things in life that fill me up with more good energy.  So the spiral down has begun.  The more I eat poorly the more I just want to sleep, the more I want to sleep the less energy I actually have, and so on it goes.

Now this is not the end of what is really going on in my world.  Here is where I begin to tread into some territory that borders me on the crazy comments I used to get from my ex husband.

When ones energy is low it becomes increasingly difficult to deal with life on life's terms.  The energy that you do have is spent on just normal functioning of your body, your mind begins to suffer.  When the mind suffers you are unable to process simple changes and challenges in your world.

 My home has shifted drastically in the past week.  Middle daughter home from dads after being gone two months and older daughter now living here as well.  The energy in my home is chaotic.  My energy is already compromised.  There is no place for me to find peace and balance in my world right now because of all the new and changing energy happening around me.  I am not doing well.  When I get panicky like this my mind tells me to fill up more on sugars to get that instant energy or caffeine to make it through.  This is where food becomes a drug for me... sick if I don't get it and makes me sicker when I do get it.

So now I want to take this even deeper still.  I injected my home life unbalance just to give you more basis for the real issue going on in my world and one for which may be harder to grasp.  This is something I have blogged about before many times and this is the pattern I am actually cycling, I am on about the fourth rung right now and not sure how many more I will have to go before I get it.

Psychic vampires, energy suckers.  People that leach on to your energy and feed off you instead of their own life.  Now that sounds kinda extreme and its not really that black and white.  We all give and take energy at different points in our lives.  That's good and healthy.  The people I am talking about here are the ones that have been unable to reach their own inner powers and are still children needing you to take care of them.  Because I am a woman I can only share my experience in this regard to men.  Although I have experienced females that draw deeply off my energy and don't give back, but those friendships for whatever reason are easily cut from my life, its the male energy cling ons that my lesson is with.

The middle man in my triage of recent broken boys is the one I am talking about here.  There has always been an odd eerie connection between the two of us.  Not sure if it is just his Pisces nature or his obsessive nature that makes it so easy for us to connect energetically.   Whichever it is, it's a bitch to break.

The week before he showed up beaten and bruised in my small northern town I had a dream about him.  It was a full moon when he creeped into my nighttime playground, which did not shock me as this is the time we would always come back together for a rendezvous after we had broken up.... for the 100th time.  What surprised me was when he was physically in my daytime playground less then a week later.  He energetically called to me before showing up.  How did he get through?  I have some serious blocks around me where this man is concerned.  Or do I?  I was seriously shaken.

Having such low energy has left some major rips in my auric Field.  Lack of self care has left me in a place of needing someone else to care for me.  The more energy I spent figuring out what is going on with this man, the more i become energetically entwined with him. (Your thoughts have the power to manifest, master your thoughts).   After hearing about his current physical condition my heart leapt out to him.  Even though my understanding is that physically I cannot reach out to him as this would cause both of us more pain in the end, I did reach out spiritually to him.  I found myself astral travelling to him and pain filled my soul as I felt his desolation.

I am now in that desolation with him.  I am submerged in his darkness and I am struggling to get back out.  For the past two days at work I have struggled with keys and doors.  Spiritually translated I am unable to unlock the door to get out.  I have had two days of issues with vehicles, Spiritually I am unable to move.  I almost got hit by a car,  spiritually I am in a dangerous place.

 Did he reach out to me or did I actually call to him?  When I was getting ready for Aventa a drug treatment, he kept me so preoccupied that I was ill packed, ill prepared and almost missed my bus there.  I needed to escape the fear and change of going to Aventa.  Am I avoiding the fear and change of both my girls moving home?  Am I in fear of the direction my life is taking into the light and into my future?  Am I struggling to hold on to an abusive energy that my inner child is so comfortable in?  Is this me not letting go?

I always assume full responsibility for all in my life.  I am learning that I can only take responsibility for what is mine.  Hard lesson.

I cannot believe that all of this reaching out is only on my part.  He is the one that showed up in the physical bruised and broken.  I think truly him and I are remnants of twin souls and we are patterning the same lessons in our own lives and reach out to each other for support.  I do believe in soul mates but not like others do in the coupling of romantic partners.  We travel in soul groups facilitating lessons for each other.  This man is a bit deeper then a soul mate he is a twin that has the same energetic make up as me and we are easily attracted to each other.

The easily attracted would be all wonderful and romantic if we were both healthy and strong in our own powers...... but we are not.  We are struggling adult children that can and will drown each other if we allow the connection between is to stay attached and building.

I have been working very hard the past few days to cut those cords and break that connection.  I am learning that many others are also energetically attached to this situation and I feel like I am fending off an army of energetic suckers wishing to do both him and I harm.  I hate cutting him loose to fend for himself, but if I want to find that door and use the key to unlock my future I have to let go.  I have to get out of the way of that moving vehicle and get into my own.  I cannot be responsible for the broken bad boys anymore.  I cannot fix them in hopes that it will fix my dad.  (Ahh.. Pause for dramatic realization)

(and skip over realization, not ready to go there)  I need to put my attention on the things that are in my power to take care of...... my girls and myself.    I am tired of always putting broken men in front of my beautiful daughters.

So as I struggle to eat well and raise my energy vibrations back up, I am now deeply aware of why I must do this.  My self abuse is directly effecting those girls.  My self abuse is allowing dark energies into my space.  Those energies are threatening to take me back out.  They say relapse starts way before the actually drug hits your system.  If I get back physically with bad boy number two it will end in relapse.... it always... always has.  Insanity says it won't.   So here is to me growing up and taking care of myself.  Its not selfish to take care of our self... it's childish not to.

Bowled Over by Other Peoples Thoughts

Letting other peoples opinions sway me has always been an issue of mine.  I never really understood this as such until very recently.

When someone I respect, or someone that I feel is an authority on a subject makes a comment about me, that comment seems to seep into all the little pockets of my brain.  Like their words hold this magical power to create that comment within me even if it is an inaccurate observation.

I never realized that this was part of my struggle to stand in my own truth.  I am forever believing what others think of me.  Even when what they believe does not resonate with me at all.  People who have lots of experience with a topic of belief are the ones that sway me the most.  Its not that i believe every little waif that strolls in and out of my life.  No it's the ones that other people respect and that are truly women standing in their own powers that creep into my mind and have me second guessing who I am.

It's not like these women mean to knock me over with their opinions.  They are just stating their observations from their perspectives.  I am just coming to learn that any perspective outside myself is a jaded one without all the information.  So there is no way the observation is entirely accurate.  This is me learning how to stand in my own truth.

I have heard it said many times that if something bothers you about something someone says to you, look within to find the reason.  I took that as I am wrong and they are right.  Which I am now seeing is not correct all the time.  Some of the time it indeed is, but some of the time it is actually the opposite.  The opinion that bothers me is the one that I am needing to learn to stand up too.

I am not talking about huge hurtful comments here, I am just making reference to two separate opinions by two totally different women about two completely different topics that both had me pegged inaccurately.  Simple comments but none the less the lesson was not lost on me.  I am slowly learning what my truths are through the comments of others.  I am learning to identify the inner naggings that follow interactions with others that just don't feel right.  I am learning to follow my own light instead of being mindlessly lead by another.

I am seeing how much I am becoming my own person.  How much stronger I am getting in my own confidence not to accept other peoples realities as my own.  I am creating my own reality and I am loving it.  My reality is way more imaginative and enjoyable and for that I am coming to love my life.

I normally don`t post first thing in the morning like this, however I really needed to fire this one off before it got lost in the depth of my over worked mind.  I do have another post thats much more spiritual and I am not sure how it would be received here that I would like to write later tonight, but we will see what spirit has to say about that today.  Have a great day folks!  Stand in the truth of who you are and know that not every comment made by the people you respect are accurate.  Go within for that answer.

A Broken Dis-eased Girl

99.  Double digits.  I used to believe that there was such a deep sign in seeing double or triple digits around.  If I seen quads like 11:11 I would feel a deep twinge in my guts that it was a huge message for me.  That was until Badboy number 2 took my fun game to an extreme and made it something obsessive and gross.  99 posts today, that's why I started off with the number thing... although the number thing was brought back to my attention yesterday as I was driving to another city to get my baby girl from her dads.  Haunted by the boy and the digits everywhere I looked.

I am a mess today.  I want to get all melodramatic and say I am on the verge of a relapse.  But I am not.  Or maybe now that I am really clean it's a nervous break down I am going to have.  I am sure it's not.  I just feel like my head is a tiny bingo wheel and all the balls are bouncing around in there just waiting to be plucked and called out for everyone to scan and see if that thought is a winner for them.  My thoughts are not gonna win anyone anything today though... I am crazy.

The insanity of my disease has been cycling through my world the past couple of days as I am informed of the insanity of my ex fiance's disease.  Funny how when I am loving up on one of my three badboys they take on a different image.  I never acknowledge that badboy number two and I were slotted to get married.  It's something I like to forget because it was a symptom of my disease.  However we were together for a few months and truly I did find unconditional love through him.  I did so well with that unconditional love that I was able to let him go and let God take care of him.  Accept I don't know if God did take care of him.

I am sitting in some shit today in a few different piles of it actually.  I feel like the world is challenging my every turn this past couple of months.  With each challenge I come through I feel more humbled and confident at the same time, however I also become more afraid one of these times I am not going to over come the challenge presented.  That where I am at today.

With my youngest daughter now home, my little physical world looks like a bomb exploded in her living room.  I do not do well with physical chaos in my living space.  Prior to the bomb hitting my home, it hit my purse with new school clothes, leaving me feeling anxiety riddled.... I am a saver.  Those two things alone are changes that will have me a bit rattled on good days.  Add in the five hour drive stuck in my head about the insanity of my disease.... which I will get to in a moment and then to come home to a smack in memory using lane.

My oldest daughter and her boyfriend were at my house waiting to hit up the club scene, when I got home.... I was hungry, angry, lonely and tired.   In an instant I was taken back to the party house we all lived at together and the lowest point of my using.  I jumped right into drug talk.  I was triggered and felt like I was sinking fast.  Such a horrible feeling to be there.  Even worse feeling to know that I cannot avoid them any longer.  I have been for months.  These are the two people that I cannot cut out of my new world and must learn to rise above.  That was the true challenge last night and I think I failed at it.

In a more positive note I do know that the awareness is a hard earned reward and one for which brings too much humiliation to ignore for the next time I am in that situation.  I must must must not allow myself to get to H.A.L.T.   or that when I do.... I scream the words stop in my inner mind and zip my lips instead of fire off my cool old lady gangster i am da' bomb verbal diarrhea.

So lets get to why I was in my head for five hours about the insanity of my disease because that's really what the main issue is here.  Ugh.  I don't even know how to begin or even if I want to go here.  These are the things I am so sick of patterning around, but I cannot ignore the blaring truth of my disease when it smacks me in the face as it has this week.  I also hesitate because I am not into gossiping and that's kinda what this will feel like, however I cannot think of any other way to share my part in something without including part of their situations.  As always I never use names and for that I will stick to my story teller persona and asked that this be received in like fashion.

.... Once there was this girl who was broken.   There were no form of mirrors for her to reflect upon in her dark little world, so she had no idea she was broken.  Her existence was a separated one, living in a selfish realm she found her only comfort in fixing other people.  Her speciality... beautifully broken boys, masked as the infamous bad boy.

Her first victim a dark shaggy haired ex hockey player gone rogue.  Captive in a drug house she free'd him and nursed him back to health.  Such a successful triumphant heart she had.  He shined up like a new penny.  She was fixed and felt complete.  ... Oh I mean he was fixed and ready for the world.  All was well.  She lived in this world but a mere couple months, a world of love and glowing embers.  ........That is until she found her new little prized trophy had gone back to the love of HIS life.........  Her illusion shattered.  In the moment she seen them together time stood still.   She drove off in a haze of rage, moments lapsed and her car was pointed at the pole with the big C sign on it in a deserted parking lot.  Autopilot pounded her foot on the gas peddle. Nothing in her mind but the searing burn ripping through her chest.  Ending the pain was her only focus.    As a low deep primal howl pleaded from the back seat she was so annoyingly reminded of the great big black elk hound she had just picked up as a gift for her lover.  Clarity in that moment brought both feet onto the brake peddle with but an inch to spare.

A hysterical call to a friend brought her to the awareness maybe it was time to deal with her sickness.

Off to Narcotics Anonymous she dragged herself on the advice of her friend.  Believing that the drugs made her brain all crazy like this.  She would learn through the twelve steps that drugs were but the symptom of a much deeper issue.  But for now.....It took a few months of false attempts and weak starts to actually jump off the platform in to the waters of healing.  When she did it was only a matter of days before she found her new shiny toy.

He was so put together and polished.  He had nice clothes, the perfect shoes.... she really has a thing for shoes... he had cool piercings and hot tattoo's.  And this one was already clean!  The first time she seen him she thought she had just seen divinity in the body of an older man.  Poor girl had no idea that the devil packages things is flashy boxes to get your attention.   It was not long before her new conquest was proposing to her and sweeping her off her feet to new lands... the knight in shining armour that he was......

Wait!  Scratch the dvd here and rewind.  Narrator interjects.....  The sweet little girl is back in her delusional disease again, the real story goes more like this....   After but a couple months she begs good NA  boy to get her an innocent little pinner to calm her nerves.  Its acceptable right, maintenance right?  It's better then jib right?  The drug she lead him to believe was really her kryptonite.  Which sorry to say folks wasn't it was and always has been the innocent little leafy plant. she can do the harder stuff and it doesnt get her nearly as much as the softer easier stuff does... can't explain why, but its the truth.   Truly, however as you are learning even that is'nt the real manifestation of her disease.  So with ganga back in her brain she convinced good boy it was time to run away, she was done with this good girl shit.

He felt he loved her and followed her, surely knowing this would end badly but not wanting to lose the prize he was also trying to fix.   Oh how likes attract likes.   In their glow they fell into a sick love and stayed blissed out for all of three months before the train hit a wall.   Packing a suitcase and waking her beautiful daughter they boarded a midnight bus back home.  Starting over once again.

Off she dragged herself back to NA humiliated.   Trying to get back on her feet she had a few more slips as shiny polished boy kept popping up at the most inopportune times to claim her love.  Both falling victims to their perspective drugs of choice, neither one able to fix and save the other.  Finally after enough pain she slammed the door once and for all on the sick obsession they both shared.... each other.

Finding freedom our little self centered girl began to grow and experience real recovery.  Putting her self back together and building her life was her main focus for a good solid six months.  It took a few months to let go of her polished boy even after slamming the door, but before her next victim she did experience a profound freedom in fixing herself instead of others.  She grew by leaps and bounds and some days didn't even recognize herself now that she lived in a world with mirrors.  She was learning to love her new world of light and connection.

Thats why she had to destroy it before it got to good.  In enters distraction number three.

He had been energetically calling to her for months.  He sat across from her at the meeting she came back after the midnight bus home.  As she cried and let out the pain of her humiliation, he cradled her with his gaze.  Through the next year they watched each other stumble and fall, holding each other from a distance.  ....Wait!!  Scratch the fucking dvd again... crazy bitch you are so delusional.  You wanted to get laid and you knew he was easy.... fuck girl get honest!!

Okay, Okay!!  So she wanted to mess up her perfect little good girl world with a romp in the darkness and your right she knew he would be a wild ride.  So she jumped on with no reservations.... she wanted a thrill.   And thrill is what she got, but not even close to the form she expected it to take.  Funny how stories seem to take on a life of there own even to the author.  This ride which she thought was going to be a fun roller coaster ended up being a haunted house with the drop of doom as the grand finally.  Nothing but pain came out of that interaction.

End of story.




Or so she wishes.   In the moment of insanity where she chose bad boy number three she made such a mess of her building existence that she was once again brought to her knee's of humility but this time not from dope but from the more devastating manifestation or acting out of her self centered separated sickness.... fucking with the broken boy.

...........You see this week it's all been brought up for me to deal with the repercussions of my actions.  The most recent bad boy got loaded and is behind bars again, from the information I have received.  My shiny polished boy just crawled back skinny and broken into the rooms.  And the original bad boy is so happily in love with his girl and still has the job he got when I fixed him.

All of this information flooded my world in the past seven days.  My heart aches at my part in all of these mens drama's.  I am glad badboy number one is happy, truly I am.... but I wanted him happy with me.  I am sick that polished man is crawling back broken after an innocent joint lead him back out two years ago... don't get me wrong I am really happy he made it back.  And I am even more sick that badboy number three is institutionalized.  He was in relapse mode way before I came in the picture, but I had a part to play in quickening his journey.

The shit piles I must sit in today is the understanding that I am a selfish little girl who at the expense of others always gets what she wants.  I can see fully that my inner world is directly related to my other world and I am not separate from anyone else.  We are all connected in love and sickness.  In choosing the sickness, the darker avenue I have effected people in a negative way.  My lesson to learn is that by choosing love I can effect people in a positive way.  When I heard bad boy number one is doing really well and is happy, I realize even though I didn't get what i wanted out of that situation it was something I did do in love, I was not far gone in addiction or pain yet.  I really did just want to help him, it was my illusion that seen us together as more.  But the truth of the other two is that I cannot fix anyone.  They have to want to fix themselves.  As much as I want to reach out to bad boy number two it will only make things worse for him.  My true unconditional love for him, tells me to stay far away from him.

My course of action must be to keep walking forward and deal with my own challenges of my daughters.  Building my life and moving into the unknown future that is only mine to live.  It is truly time for me to let go of the self defeating pattern of trying to fix the broken boys in order to fix myself.  I need to get honest and fix myself instead.

This Pile of Sh!t Stinks!

Depression.  Detoxing. Bi-polar pendulum swing.

As I stay home from work the second day in a row I question why.  Yes I feel ill.  However it is a come and go ill, of wanting to vomit but not, of wanting to sleep but not, of feeling sore and tired but not.  Almost like a faint illusion, I feel these things and when I focus on them they go away.  It's kinda weird actually.

I am doing a metal detox cleanse as well as a spiritual meditation body cleanse.  When I take the pills I tend to get nauseous.  Today while doing a body meridian clearing through guided meditation I found myself dry heaving over the toilet.  So yes this cleanse is definitely bringing up some unhealthy stuff physically in my body.

Which I already know the cause of really, and have been complaining about it for weeks.  Yet have done nothing about it.  I cannot eat like crap anymore.  I just can't.  Let me explain what crap is so people get a better understanding of what I am talking about here.

Healthy eating for me clears my mind and helps me function from a happy place.  Eating six times a day, every three to four hours is healthy.  Lately I have been having my morning smoothie then not eating again till suppertime because I have filled up on coffee.  Healthy eating has no coffee in the day, as coffee makes me tired and not hungry.  For every cup of coffee one has you should have two glasses of water.  When I drink coffee I stop drinking water all together.  That from a place of only drinking water in my day, I drink no other beverages, all your body needs is water...and its cheaper.  Our bodies are made up of like ninety percent water, drinking it helps flush the toxins out, coffee holds them in.

Not to mention when I eat six times a day, I am focused on fruits and veggies which are made up mostly of water as well.  When I eat unhealthy I eat my entire six portions in one sitting and I choose 'white' foods, which consist of no water.  So my entire day has been about feeding myself energy that sucks the life out  of me not the normal life giving energy my poor body is used too.

So knowing this, why is it that I am still planning to make a pot of coffee as soon as I am done this paragraph now that the nausea from my meditation has subsided?  Why am I refusing to make the changes necessary to feel better?  Why does an addict continue to use knowing full well that she hates it and knows the end results will be disastrous?  An addiction.

Read the book Wheat belly.  I haven't even got fully through it because it was simple for me to see by the first page how it was going to play out.  The chemicals in your food are very similar if not exactly the same as the chemicals in your dope.  It's the chemicals that our bodies become dependent upon.  It's why the weed smoker suffers the same fate as the crack addict.... everything is grown and produced with chemicals.  It's these chemicals that hook us.  Every smoker knows and entirely accepts this.  Don't get me wrong, crack fucks with your brain on an absurd level and for many addicts it's this brain functioning they seek.... not all addicts are created equal.. contrary to popular belief.

I am once again hooked on the chemicals in food.  Where does it end then?  I look back to my entire life and I can see the switching of chemicals.  What is it that the chemicals do to my body that make me want to continuously crave them?  That's really what this post is about.... filling that stupid proverbial void that every religion sings about and every twelve step fellowship tries to uncover.

I am not worthy.

I eat crap knowing full well it will make me feel like crap because that's what I deserve.  I am not seeking out sympathy or to feel sorry for myself here.  It truly is a deep seated belief that I am not worthy of any good in my life, so when the good happens I self sabotage.  Or when good gets stripped away from me it reinforces that I am not worthy and I fall back into self harm.  Normally the good that I perceive as being stripped away is actually not so good and its being removed because it does not fit with the good that is actually in me.  hmm.. that was a mouthful, hope you got it.

I can see now my evening of fun with my coworkers triggered a not worthy response in me and I have been suffering in that for three days now.  Many factors in the work situation have lead up to this feeling of unworthiness and I am just putting the puzzle pieces together now.  I get feeling nauseous when I see all the individual pieces.  It was the same in early recovery for me too.  I relapsed each time I really started to feel like maybe I would get it that time.  I see now how much I didn't feel like I deserved recovery.  Just like I feel like I don't deserve a job or career that nourishes me.

I have so many skeletons in my closet that haunt each success I achieve.  So many ghosts whispering in my ear.  Reminding me of the major fuck up here or the horrible thing I did there.  I see visions from my past that support my unworthiness.   On good days I can keep these naggings at bay.... what are those good days?   Days that I am already in that place of less then... because when I am there it's called humility.   Hmmm as I added that last word, it doesn't resonate properly, but I am gonna leave it because I lack another word there.

You see Saturday night was good, way good.  I felt worthy and wonderful, I felt like I was in my power.  Today I feel like I wanna crawl in a hole and die.  Bi-polar?  Maybe, but I am more leaning towards my low self worth and inability to allow my true light to step forward.

So I kill my light with chemicals.  No longer using dope and my main source of chemical I have found another one.   You see I am learning that I am not in the twelve step fellowship just to get off the dope, I am there because of my low self worth.  Peeling back the layers through the steps is why I am there.

I am not sick today, I am depressed.  I am falling back into a pattern that I have lived with my entire life.  A pattern hidden when I was married because my ex carried me and our family when these times hit.  He took extra jobs when I couldn't work, he fed the kids when I couldn't get out of bed, he covered for me with our family and friends when all i wanted to do was die.   I no longer have that support.  I believe it's one of the reasons one should not get into a relationship in recovery.  You have a partner in your own self inflicted crime.  A partner to hide behind and blame.... even if you are completely unaware of it.  For whatever your inflicted low self worth outlet is.  Mine has always been depression.

Depression is anger turned inwards.  The skeletons in my closet make me angry and instead of dealing with them I kill any feelings I have about them with chemicals.  I am still, on a new level, refusing to deal with my shit.  Not a new higher level, maybe that was bad choice of phrase.  I think a new layer of ghosts have emerged to be faced.  These skeletons go a little deeper then the ones I have faced and conquered over the past two years of recovery... actually three years of recovery.  (Time has a way of standing still as I age).

Progress not perfection is something I used to stress to my weight loss clients and that's some advice I see shining behind the skeleton threatening me today.  The ability to balance the good with those scary memories is a new tool I have for dealing with my shit.  However dealing with my shit is the focus.  Slipping into depression is not dealing with my shit, it's hiding.  Three days of nursing my low self worth is enough, all is not lost or even dented yet.  I watched a Youtube Movie called Kymatica on my TV yesterday thanks to my super cool daughter hooking me up with the 21st century.  Its not a movie for the faint of heart or one with a deep connection with our society, but it does talk much about dealing with our inner demons before they manifest themselves in the world we live in.

This is me dealing with my shadow side.  Not all is rosy and bright in my inner world.  Not all is dark and scary either.  I speak lots about people being all about the positive, which is definitely good to strive for, but to ignore your shadow self is to run into some serious trouble down the line.  I fully understood this when I sat in the pits of hades a few years back and wondered how the fuck I got there through practicing my white light meditations faithfully.  Don't ignore your darkness, that's what keeps taking you back out.  You can only keep it at bay for so long before it will want some attention.

 Deal with it on your terms......  Today I won't let depression be the terms, it's but a warning.  I will heed the warning and walk through my fear.  Time to focus on self care today.  Get my house ready for my baby girl coming home and get better so I can kick ass at work tomorrow!  Thanks for reading my rant.  I Love You.

An Intimate Freedom Dance

Over 2100 views and 3 posts away from hitting a 100!  I cannot tell you enough how much I love to write and how comfortable I am getting with people reading what I write.  In the winter I have plans of moving my blog to my own site and investing some time and money into marketing my writing a bit more.

Thats me getting vulnerable and sharing an inner desire.  Thats me seeking accountability for the development of that desire.  I have such a hard time letting people in on my plans because I am such an easily swayed person.  When someone has any comment about my dreams I shut them off pretty quick, positive and negative alike.  Why?  Because negative comments I believe and positive ones set me up for failure.  So I just don't bother sharing my dreams with anyone.  And at almost 40 it's probably the reason why none of them have ever manifested.

Again that is not what I want to discuss here however.  Why is it that I start my writings that way?  Nasty habit thats needs tweaking I guess.  What I truly want to discuss is having fun in recovery.  Whats healthy fun and whats treading the line.

Last night was our company end of summer staff party.  The original plan was to go paint balling.  I was not all that excited about that plan as I heard those little pellets hurt like fuck.  I guess I was not the only one not into the idea because everyone bailed the day of.  Struggling to find a new plan my boss decided drinks at a pool hall.

I was pretty nervous about this plan, I am not gonna lie.  I have not been in a bar in forever and just the thought of crossing the threshold scared the pants off me.  I never really stressed about the booze I would be around because for me it is more the party atmosphere that triggers me.

I played the pro's/pro's list in my mind and came to the conclusion that I need too connect with my co-workers on a more personal level.  This was my whole post yesterday about moving past the phase of friendships where things got more intimate.  This party was my opportunity to put action to my words.  Totally uncomfortable all around.

I really did wish that we were doing something other then the bar.  I understand the treading a fine line where testing my limits is concerned.  I have been testing lots lately and it has really scared me.  I have passed the tests, however in the reality I create I know I am still skirting that trouble avenue that I so longed for a couple weeks ago.  So I had made a decision to go for an hour or so and gracefully bail before the rowdy takes over my co-workers.

I got home at three am with a huge smile on my face, clean and sober.

The night progressed nicely with me drinking Virgin Cesar's and playing pool.  Letting my personality bust my co-workers at the seems.  Comments like 'and she doesn't even have any alcohol in her'  roared from their lips numerous times.  I was just letting my hair down and having fun.  I was amazing myself at how much fun I could have with no booze in me what so ever.  Not one time through out that evening did my co-workers push drinking on me, no one time did I feel the desire to even have a drink.  Truly no joke.

Then later in the evening as I had completely forgot my own bail after an hour game plan,  I was having so much fun and feeling very comfortable with the venue, and group I was with.... Just a side note the waitress was very good to me and my Virgin drinks.  I really felt respected by everyone with my drink choices, it was not what I was expecting at all.  But anyways back to the Story...

Soon of course everyone wanted to go dancing.  This is where panic hit for me.  Shooting the shit in a tame pool hall was one thing, swinging my hips with the sharks was a whole different arena for me.  Of course being the non drinker I was elected unanimously as DD.  Not that I minded, my boss drives a fully loaded Ram that I am in love with.  So again I planned my escape route should it get to be too much.  I let everyone know of my plan so that they didn't worry about me and I stressed how uncomfortable I was about going, but also how much I dearly miss dancing.  The girls agreed not to let me out of their sight and off we skipped to the nearest dance bar.

Walking in brought me back to good times and bad times equally.  I shared my nervousness with being at the bar to the bouncers and anyone who would listen.  I didn't announce I was an addict, I faked it was because I was too damn old to be there. With entry granted we made our way to the dance floor.  I found my spot in the corner and never left that spot for the rest of the night.

And I danced!!!!!!  And danced!!!  Omg did I dance.  I danced for all the years I have been unable to.  I danced for all the work I have put into my recovery.  I danced for all the times I danced for the wrong reasons.  I danced for all the pain I have been in.  I danced in glory of the joy in my life.  I danced for my new life.  I danced with everything I had!!  And I did it with a bottle of water in my hand and a clear head.

As my boss spun me on the dance floor and the young twenty year old female co-workers grinded up on me.  I could feel the connection, I could feel the walls coming down around all of us as we let each other into our personal spaces.  I realized in that moment what a tribal act it is to just let go and move your body to the physical beat of your heart.  With no mind altering drug in me to let loose I could see the beauty in the release.  I was truly happy and having fun.

Now please know that I will not be heading out to a bar to dance anytime soon.  The aftermath of that adventure was a bit more intense for me.  As I drove my drunk ass boss home.  He commented about how he was shocked that I was still single.... I told him it's cause I go for the broken boys.  But as I said it I realized thats not entirely true.

 I am a broken girl.  That is the truth of why I am single.

So as I walked home alone from his house, which is only a few blocks, I thought of my bad boy number three and desperately longed to walk to his house instead of my own, which is also close to me.  I knew that he would not be there and even if he was would not want to see me, but I still longed to go anyways.

After all that dancing and adrenaline my body craved its old ways of releasing and the power of the craving was intense.  That is the aftermath I don't want to experience on a regular basis.  The compliments I received from a few guys in the bar bounced around in my head like a ping pong game.  When I got home, not without a deep struggle with myself to make the left hand turn onto my street and not the right one on to his, I crawled into bed with my adult daughter.  I woke her to share my wonderful night and forced her to smell my breath and look at my pupils.  I really needed someone to know that I was not loaded.  That I had this fun without any drugs.  I felt so good about myself.  Then a text came in from my boss stating how proud he was of me for leading the crew in fun and showing the young coworkers that real fun could be had without drugs or booze.... personally I think he meant himself but I will leave that one alone.

I received verification that what I set out to do at the beginning of the night was achieved.  Letting people in.  Letting people get to know the real me.  Connecting on a deeper more intimate level with those people in my life that play a large part of in my daily interactions.  I feel like I achieved something massive in my little reality last night and again I can barely contain the tears.

I know it was a thin line and I could have fallen off many times, it just takes one tiny slip.  That understanding has me solid on the understanding I will not do that again for a very long time.  The self control to not contact that bad boy was too much for me.  I contacted another addict who walked me through it instead and for her I am so grateful.  I will keep this night in a very special place in my heart and cherish it the way someone who has just found a valuable gem would.  Priceless.

Getting High on Feelings?

The thread of my posts for the next bit are surely to continue on with the element they have been seemingly assuming.....  feelings.

Such an intriguing concept to me now that I am opening to them.  A very large playground for my analytical mind to dive into and pick apart.  The reason why I am stating this now is to warn those people that don't wish to walk this journey with me.  For some people feelings are still a foreign understanding and for others a repulsive action.

I have observed recently how much our society feeds the feel good feelings and teaches us how to go out of our way to avoid the not so good feelings.  I am beginning to see how we are rewarded for our positivity and shunned for our balanced counterparts.   Staying overly busy is the norm in this western world we live in,  being busy leaves no time to feel our wide range of feelings.  Thus only affording us time for the feelings we choose to cultivate.

That sounds wonderful... choosing our feelings.  Except we can't always choose them, sometimes they choose us to communicate something to us.  Our feelings I think... still working on the understanding part... are not like our thoughts.  Our feelings are deeper.

I was reminded of our societies idiosyncrasies when a beautiful Spanish man shared at a meeting last week.  His accent captured my full attention but his expression of feelings reminded me of a dear Love of mine.  I call him Merlin.  He was the first man I dated after I left my ex.  He was Lebanese raised in Mexico and world traveled, he was in tune to his feelings also.  I sometimes long to live in a country that honors and nurtures our true full natures and not just the sunny shine self help in full control of your entire thought/feeling process one hundred percent of the time country for which I was sentenced this lifetime.

Alright I am done my rant...

I have come to understand that I am extremely uncomfortable sitting in my not so blissful feelings.  I have come to learn this by identifying my patterns in my life.  This is what Step four gifts us, a chance to see the patterns playing out in all areas of our lives.  Each time I have worked step four I am shown a different pattern that needs to be removed or changed.  It is the same concept as the new agers see as belief re patterning.  Our beliefs create our realities, step four shows us very detailed ways our beliefs keep us sick.

How have I been keeping myself sick?  By never allowing myself to feel anything negative.  Now for myself I must define what is negative and what is positive.  Because its not good or bad terms I am dealing with here.  I don't believe anything is bad in our realities, everything is balance.  To have a good feeling is to also at some point experience an opposite feeling.  This is also not referring to a bi-polar pendulum swing of good one day not so much the next.  In my youngest years to feel a feeling of anger or sadness or anything on the down side was not good.  I can hear the words ring in my head..'stop crying or I will give you something to cry about'.   So I have stopped crying about my life.

However that's not entirely true either I am beginning to see.  In order to give myself permission to feel my feelings I must be engaged in some kind of situation that is acceptable to my mind to express negative feelings.  Oh I see a deeper understanding developing here then the one I originally intended to write about.  How exciting,  this is why I blog folks!!  You see what I wanted to write about was the ways I get out of my negative feelings, but I am seeing that these same ways to get out of them are actually ways of getting into them.

Let me explain.

I live in a feel good mentality.  I am always starting something new to create passion and excitement in my world.  New job every six months to a year.  Once a job gets settled I feign boredom and begin seeking out New adventures.  My resume is fifteen pages, front and back!!  I am always starting up new friendships but when things get to touchy feely for me I back off for a couple years and reconnect when things will be fresh and new again.  I have long term friends but not incredibly deep friendships... just super patient friends.  lol

 And of course the way I love to get out of my feelings the most is through romance.  The excitement of finding a new guy to explore is over the top good feelings for me.  I love jumping from guy to guy giving each one six months to a year depending on how entertained they keep me.  Some last mere moments, others allow me to keep doing the break up and get back together exciting thing, which I love even more.  Lastly is the party time feel good.  Although I am not sure if its my age or the fact I have ruined every drug under then sun for myself, but there is never anymore feel good in that, I always fall into the new budding awareness of using to actually afford me an out for my feelings.

And this is the new dawning for me.  Each of these ways, maybe not work so much, but definitely using and romance and not so much friendships either.....  brings me to a flip side of the excitement which is pain.  I am beginning to see that I need these romances to turn ugly so that I can feel the pain that is bubbling under my surface needing an outlet.  I can see how I use in order to be able to find my whale song.   I can only express my pain in what I identify as a healthy outlet through broken romances and getting loaded.

 As I write this I am thinking.... Duh, your just realizing this now.... it does seem kinda logical and maybe normal people can identify this without having to do a Step four fifteen times.  I am far from normal.

So now that I have identified the issue how do I solve it.  I get not getting into another romantic relationship.  Its just hiding my feelings by focusing on the other person and the feel good stuff.  That has been a harsh reality for me and I am getting that lesson loud and clear.  However I am feeling a down feeling at work these days.  The excitement of working this job is wearing off and I am getting antsy.  Although now I see it a bit clearer and I am not truly getting bored, I am just beginning to open up to my boss and co-workers and letting people get to know me. All of me, the great makes no mistake employee and the one that fucks up coworker.... Yuck.  I am starting to have to walk through some feelings other then the feel good excited ones that a new job brings.   I am also feeling this same thing in a couple friendships of mine.  Moving past the bolting part, sitting in the never been here what are these feelings about??

I see that I am also feeling that in my fellowship of recovery as well.  Having thoughts of moving on and starting something new because I have learned all I need to and it's time to stir up my emotional excitement.  When in reality it's truly time for me to push through these not so 'high' feelings and get on to the more grounded and balanced feelings.  In step ten its asks if we have felt any extreme happiness or pain today and I am beginning to understand why they ask that.  I am always on the high cloud of recovery, new job, new romance, new friendship.... new something.  I really never get past that high into the more mundane feelings in a healthy fashion without over eating, getting loaded or sexing my way through it.

I think the key to solving this is to know when to push through the feelings that are uncomfortable for me and when I am truly being prompted by my higher power to seek out a new adventure.  I know I am not in for a life of humdrum, I just need to find a bit more of a calmer balance and not strive for those extreme feelings any more.  Those are the feelings that swing the pendulum to balance themselves out.  Maybe its time to learn to live in the grey and find contentment with happy and sad, instead of excitement and pain.  I think to get to this place I need to roll through my feelings as they come up instead of self forcing them by getting into romances that are not for me, or quitting jobs that are for me.  Maybe this is part of the trust in the universe that I need to step into.

When I force a situation in order to feel, maybe I am doing so because that way I can identify my feeling and have some form of control over it.  I know right now when something comes up out of the blue with no seeming cause I get pretty messed up about it.  I can't analyze it or try to figure it out and that scares me and causes me to want to shut it down instantly.  Aka... eat a pound cake or smoke a joint.  See I got suppression here that I control and then when that suppression gets out of control I jump into a romance to release it!!!  Ah fucking dirty patterns!!

Okay I need to stop writing.  I don't want to learn anything more about myself today.  Back to blissful ignorance.... I'm out.