Thats me getting vulnerable and sharing an inner desire. Thats me seeking accountability for the development of that desire. I have such a hard time letting people in on my plans because I am such an easily swayed person. When someone has any comment about my dreams I shut them off pretty quick, positive and negative alike. Why? Because negative comments I believe and positive ones set me up for failure. So I just don't bother sharing my dreams with anyone. And at almost 40 it's probably the reason why none of them have ever manifested.
Again that is not what I want to discuss here however. Why is it that I start my writings that way? Nasty habit thats needs tweaking I guess. What I truly want to discuss is having fun in recovery. Whats healthy fun and whats treading the line.
Last night was our company end of summer staff party. The original plan was to go paint balling. I was not all that excited about that plan as I heard those little pellets hurt like fuck. I guess I was not the only one not into the idea because everyone bailed the day of. Struggling to find a new plan my boss decided drinks at a pool hall.
I was pretty nervous about this plan, I am not gonna lie. I have not been in a bar in forever and just the thought of crossing the threshold scared the pants off me. I never really stressed about the booze I would be around because for me it is more the party atmosphere that triggers me.
I played the pro's/pro's list in my mind and came to the conclusion that I need too connect with my co-workers on a more personal level. This was my whole post yesterday about moving past the phase of friendships where things got more intimate. This party was my opportunity to put action to my words. Totally uncomfortable all around.
I really did wish that we were doing something other then the bar. I understand the treading a fine line where testing my limits is concerned. I have been testing lots lately and it has really scared me. I have passed the tests, however in the reality I create I know I am still skirting that trouble avenue that I so longed for a couple weeks ago. So I had made a decision to go for an hour or so and gracefully bail before the rowdy takes over my co-workers.
I got home at three am with a huge smile on my face, clean and sober.
The night progressed nicely with me drinking Virgin Cesar's and playing pool. Letting my personality bust my co-workers at the seems. Comments like 'and she doesn't even have any alcohol in her' roared from their lips numerous times. I was just letting my hair down and having fun. I was amazing myself at how much fun I could have with no booze in me what so ever. Not one time through out that evening did my co-workers push drinking on me, no one time did I feel the desire to even have a drink. Truly no joke.
Then later in the evening as I had completely forgot my own bail after an hour game plan, I was having so much fun and feeling very comfortable with the venue, and group I was with.... Just a side note the waitress was very good to me and my Virgin drinks. I really felt respected by everyone with my drink choices, it was not what I was expecting at all. But anyways back to the Story...
Soon of course everyone wanted to go dancing. This is where panic hit for me. Shooting the shit in a tame pool hall was one thing, swinging my hips with the sharks was a whole different arena for me. Of course being the non drinker I was elected unanimously as DD. Not that I minded, my boss drives a fully loaded Ram that I am in love with. So again I planned my escape route should it get to be too much. I let everyone know of my plan so that they didn't worry about me and I stressed how uncomfortable I was about going, but also how much I dearly miss dancing. The girls agreed not to let me out of their sight and off we skipped to the nearest dance bar.
Walking in brought me back to good times and bad times equally. I shared my nervousness with being at the bar to the bouncers and anyone who would listen. I didn't announce I was an addict, I faked it was because I was too damn old to be there. With entry granted we made our way to the dance floor. I found my spot in the corner and never left that spot for the rest of the night.
And I danced!!!!!! And danced!!! Omg did I dance. I danced for all the years I have been unable to. I danced for all the work I have put into my recovery. I danced for all the times I danced for the wrong reasons. I danced for all the pain I have been in. I danced in glory of the joy in my life. I danced for my new life. I danced with everything I had!! And I did it with a bottle of water in my hand and a clear head.
As my boss spun me on the dance floor and the young twenty year old female co-workers grinded up on me. I could feel the connection, I could feel the walls coming down around all of us as we let each other into our personal spaces. I realized in that moment what a tribal act it is to just let go and move your body to the physical beat of your heart. With no mind altering drug in me to let loose I could see the beauty in the release. I was truly happy and having fun.
Now please know that I will not be heading out to a bar to dance anytime soon. The aftermath of that adventure was a bit more intense for me. As I drove my drunk ass boss home. He commented about how he was shocked that I was still single.... I told him it's cause I go for the broken boys. But as I said it I realized thats not entirely true.
I am a broken girl. That is the truth of why I am single.
So as I walked home alone from his house, which is only a few blocks, I thought of my bad boy number three and desperately longed to walk to his house instead of my own, which is also close to me. I knew that he would not be there and even if he was would not want to see me, but I still longed to go anyways.
After all that dancing and adrenaline my body craved its old ways of releasing and the power of the craving was intense. That is the aftermath I don't want to experience on a regular basis. The compliments I received from a few guys in the bar bounced around in my head like a ping pong game. When I got home, not without a deep struggle with myself to make the left hand turn onto my street and not the right one on to his, I crawled into bed with my adult daughter. I woke her to share my wonderful night and forced her to smell my breath and look at my pupils. I really needed someone to know that I was not loaded. That I had this fun without any drugs. I felt so good about myself. Then a text came in from my boss stating how proud he was of me for leading the crew in fun and showing the young coworkers that real fun could be had without drugs or booze.... personally I think he meant himself but I will leave that one alone.
I received verification that what I set out to do at the beginning of the night was achieved. Letting people in. Letting people get to know the real me. Connecting on a deeper more intimate level with those people in my life that play a large part of in my daily interactions. I feel like I achieved something massive in my little reality last night and again I can barely contain the tears.
I know it was a thin line and I could have fallen off many times, it just takes one tiny slip. That understanding has me solid on the understanding I will not do that again for a very long time. The self control to not contact that bad boy was too much for me. I contacted another addict who walked me through it instead and for her I am so grateful. I will keep this night in a very special place in my heart and cherish it the way someone who has just found a valuable gem would. Priceless.
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