Just about Lost it.

I am an addict.  I will always be an addict.  I need to surrender to the fact I am an addict.

It is so easy for me to forget that I am an addict as soon as my life begins to take on some normalcy again.  After four months of staying home to focus all my time and energy on recovery.

Meaning....... attending meetings,  Talking daily to my Sponsor and only people in recovery,  Working the steps and reading the Narcotics anonymous literature.  Its easy to stay clean and surrendered to the fact I am an addict when I surround myself in a cocoon of recovery.

But what about when I head back into the real world?  What happens when I get that promotion I had been seeking?  What happens when the incredibly sexy guy starts to flirt with me?  What happens when my non addict friends and supports tell me I wont be an addict forever and that its okay to pull away from them using people?

I can tell you what happens for me.  Bad behaviors surface as a warning sign and then I am off and running straight for that white fluffy cloud of invincibility.

And that my friends is where I am at today.  My beautiful supports have picked me up from my relapse in the summer.  They dusted me off and helped me get stable on my feet.  They encouraged my first few steps and watched me start to walk again.  The minute there attention moved on to someone else that needed picking up, I was off and running at a wobbly sprint.

I am running like a drunk person away from my supports!!  Wtf is wrong with this picture?  Who do I think I am running from, and where the fuck am I running too??  Seriously  this poor lopsided, crazy woman is running down the street in her hospital gown thinking she is escaping.... what?  Her demons?  Her captors?

Probably my fucking self!!

There is way more pun in that sentence then most people would catch.  I am running from myself.

This is too hard.  Recovery is too hard.  Life is too much work.  Its too much work to be an addict trying to function in a world where everyone is a fucking unrealized addict.  Its so hard for me not to get caught up in other peoples blissful illusions.  I want my blissful illusion back.  I want to be able to fuck that super buff beautiful 25 year old that has me so bloody weak knee'd I can barely stand it.  i wanna go with my boss and finish off the bottle of Crown he is tempting me with.  I want to let my arrogance attract more power into my life.  I want I want I want..... all these things that end up killing me in the end.

Why does this have to be so hard?  Why can I not be normal, with a normal life with simple challenges and soft life lessons?  Why did I choose such a hard existence?  How did I become an addict and how to I unbecome it?  How do I live in a world full of corruption, lies and deceit and keep open and not get hurt?  I don't know how to Live.  I am on step three and I am finally beginning to understand.... I truly do not know how to play the game.

So this is me getting honest.  I had to tell the incredibly fucking sexy big boy that I cant play his game.  It will hurt too much when I lose.  In an emotional meltdown I texted another person about my utter failure at life and my compete surrender to my brokenness.  I talked to my supports.  I answered a couple questions in my step working guide and i fucking cried.... and cried.

And I am clean today.  And I didn't sex anyone.  I didn't blow my entire bank account.... only partial.  I didn't eat the entire fridge clean, only a late night snack.  I am not happy today.... but I have found peace and some serenity.  Thats enough for today.

I am Nobody's Power Source!!

In the blog I deleted just before this one... I have had four fully developed blogs in the past four years that I have deleted just when the meat was cooked to perfection.  This blog has now officially surpassed that and I think I may enjoy the beef.  Yay.  I really am doing things differently this time in my life and pushing past all sorts of comfort zones.  But again the point of the paragraph.....  Before I deleted the last blog I spoke lots about energy and how our bodies are made up of pure energy and how we exchange that energy with others.  That's what I would like to introduce to this blog.

I notice that when Spirit want me to learn something I go through this spiral patterning.  The first time I experience the lesson it is new to me.  Then as I go through the same pattern several more times I become more aware of the lessons and then I strive to break the pattern.  We have lots of patterns we spend our whole lives never noticing, and we have smaller quicker lessons we pattern through.  This energy one that I want to share with you is a quicker lesson for me.

I need to be careful with how deep I go with this here for my loving addict readers.  I have been seen as crazy and off the rails with many of my friends including my ex husband over the years, due to my beliefs in the metaphysics and I don't want to jump into that here and now.  I just want to share with you what I think could benefit you from what I am experiencing.  Ancient traditions leaned heavily on the sharing of ones story and story telling of the ancestors to help people get through their struggles.  Thats the whole theory behind this blog, to share my story and experiences in hopes that you might too learn something about yourself through my lessons.  Or just have a good laugh at how ridonculous my life can be....  whichever.

So let me start with explaining that most of our bodies are made up of energy.  Don't quote me but I think only 30 percent of what you see in this world is actually hard matter the rest is anti matter, which is pure energy.  We are pure energy.  Energy is always shifting and moving it can not stay static, which means we are always giving and exchanging energy.  This is where  drug addicts have found a loop hole....

You see because we are all energy, we need other people to survive.  We need people to share energy with.  Of course there are other exceptions to this rule, but generally we need others to survive.  As drug addicts have learned though we can tap an energy source through our dope and cut all human life away from our little world.  Through drugs we can open an energy portal that will sustain us.... until it kills us.  A dark energy portal...

I will stop that line of exploration there though because its not where I want to go with this post.  I have many ideas and theories on the source of that energy portal that I would love to discuss but for another time. When we are no longer in that dark energy it is up to us to tap into a light energy and to keep that energy strong.  I am struggling hard with this these past few weeks.

I have ranted many times about how eating poorly lowers my energy and I will do it yet again today.  I am over indulging in wheat and just cannot seem to stop... the insanity of my disease alive and well wanting me dead in whatever form it needs to take.  I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning.  I am back to suicidal thoughts, I cannot even begin to explain how negatively wheat effects my mind.  I have been absent minded at work, costing my boss lots of dollars and I just about got hit by a car yesterday because I was confused.  This is serious stuff.

Now I don't think all of that is about eating poorly, a large portion is about self care.  It is up to us to take care of ourselves.  As addicts we want everyone else to take care of us.  We are infants trapped in adult bodies, I haven't grown up yet.  Eating poorly is a form of self abuse, self abuse lowers my energy.  I cannot be in my higher 'power' when I self abuse.   That is why my energy is so low its not just the specif issue of wheat.  I am always needing a scapegoat for my mind to grasp understanding.  The scapegoat here should be me.

By eating poorly I have lacked the energy, with no good fuel going into my chariot, to do the fun things in life that fill me up with more good energy.  So the spiral down has begun.  The more I eat poorly the more I just want to sleep, the more I want to sleep the less energy I actually have, and so on it goes.

Now this is not the end of what is really going on in my world.  Here is where I begin to tread into some territory that borders me on the crazy comments I used to get from my ex husband.

When ones energy is low it becomes increasingly difficult to deal with life on life's terms.  The energy that you do have is spent on just normal functioning of your body, your mind begins to suffer.  When the mind suffers you are unable to process simple changes and challenges in your world.

 My home has shifted drastically in the past week.  Middle daughter home from dads after being gone two months and older daughter now living here as well.  The energy in my home is chaotic.  My energy is already compromised.  There is no place for me to find peace and balance in my world right now because of all the new and changing energy happening around me.  I am not doing well.  When I get panicky like this my mind tells me to fill up more on sugars to get that instant energy or caffeine to make it through.  This is where food becomes a drug for me... sick if I don't get it and makes me sicker when I do get it.

So now I want to take this even deeper still.  I injected my home life unbalance just to give you more basis for the real issue going on in my world and one for which may be harder to grasp.  This is something I have blogged about before many times and this is the pattern I am actually cycling, I am on about the fourth rung right now and not sure how many more I will have to go before I get it.

Psychic vampires, energy suckers.  People that leach on to your energy and feed off you instead of their own life.  Now that sounds kinda extreme and its not really that black and white.  We all give and take energy at different points in our lives.  That's good and healthy.  The people I am talking about here are the ones that have been unable to reach their own inner powers and are still children needing you to take care of them.  Because I am a woman I can only share my experience in this regard to men.  Although I have experienced females that draw deeply off my energy and don't give back, but those friendships for whatever reason are easily cut from my life, its the male energy cling ons that my lesson is with.

The middle man in my triage of recent broken boys is the one I am talking about here.  There has always been an odd eerie connection between the two of us.  Not sure if it is just his Pisces nature or his obsessive nature that makes it so easy for us to connect energetically.   Whichever it is, it's a bitch to break.

The week before he showed up beaten and bruised in my small northern town I had a dream about him.  It was a full moon when he creeped into my nighttime playground, which did not shock me as this is the time we would always come back together for a rendezvous after we had broken up.... for the 100th time.  What surprised me was when he was physically in my daytime playground less then a week later.  He energetically called to me before showing up.  How did he get through?  I have some serious blocks around me where this man is concerned.  Or do I?  I was seriously shaken.

Having such low energy has left some major rips in my auric Field.  Lack of self care has left me in a place of needing someone else to care for me.  The more energy I spent figuring out what is going on with this man, the more i become energetically entwined with him. (Your thoughts have the power to manifest, master your thoughts).   After hearing about his current physical condition my heart leapt out to him.  Even though my understanding is that physically I cannot reach out to him as this would cause both of us more pain in the end, I did reach out spiritually to him.  I found myself astral travelling to him and pain filled my soul as I felt his desolation.

I am now in that desolation with him.  I am submerged in his darkness and I am struggling to get back out.  For the past two days at work I have struggled with keys and doors.  Spiritually translated I am unable to unlock the door to get out.  I have had two days of issues with vehicles, Spiritually I am unable to move.  I almost got hit by a car,  spiritually I am in a dangerous place.

 Did he reach out to me or did I actually call to him?  When I was getting ready for Aventa a drug treatment, he kept me so preoccupied that I was ill packed, ill prepared and almost missed my bus there.  I needed to escape the fear and change of going to Aventa.  Am I avoiding the fear and change of both my girls moving home?  Am I in fear of the direction my life is taking into the light and into my future?  Am I struggling to hold on to an abusive energy that my inner child is so comfortable in?  Is this me not letting go?

I always assume full responsibility for all in my life.  I am learning that I can only take responsibility for what is mine.  Hard lesson.

I cannot believe that all of this reaching out is only on my part.  He is the one that showed up in the physical bruised and broken.  I think truly him and I are remnants of twin souls and we are patterning the same lessons in our own lives and reach out to each other for support.  I do believe in soul mates but not like others do in the coupling of romantic partners.  We travel in soul groups facilitating lessons for each other.  This man is a bit deeper then a soul mate he is a twin that has the same energetic make up as me and we are easily attracted to each other.

The easily attracted would be all wonderful and romantic if we were both healthy and strong in our own powers...... but we are not.  We are struggling adult children that can and will drown each other if we allow the connection between is to stay attached and building.

I have been working very hard the past few days to cut those cords and break that connection.  I am learning that many others are also energetically attached to this situation and I feel like I am fending off an army of energetic suckers wishing to do both him and I harm.  I hate cutting him loose to fend for himself, but if I want to find that door and use the key to unlock my future I have to let go.  I have to get out of the way of that moving vehicle and get into my own.  I cannot be responsible for the broken bad boys anymore.  I cannot fix them in hopes that it will fix my dad.  (Ahh.. Pause for dramatic realization)

(and skip over realization, not ready to go there)  I need to put my attention on the things that are in my power to take care of...... my girls and myself.    I am tired of always putting broken men in front of my beautiful daughters.

So as I struggle to eat well and raise my energy vibrations back up, I am now deeply aware of why I must do this.  My self abuse is directly effecting those girls.  My self abuse is allowing dark energies into my space.  Those energies are threatening to take me back out.  They say relapse starts way before the actually drug hits your system.  If I get back physically with bad boy number two it will end in relapse.... it always... always has.  Insanity says it won't.   So here is to me growing up and taking care of myself.  Its not selfish to take care of our self... it's childish not to.