When Anger turns into Rage

**Repost**  

I can feel this anger beginning to seethe right below the surface of my exterior.  Like hot lava just waiting for its moment to erupt.  My analytical mind searches desperately for its root cause so that I may apply the years of training I have had on controlling my emotions.  Yet the searing burn of the emotion blinds my mind to any productive thought process.

 I have been on youtube looking up techniques for dimming anger and I am lead to pages upon pages of meditations and visualizations to help you release the anger.  I listen to talks by Guru's on how anger is a figment of your imagination and therefor not real.  I am faced with all the information that supports the idea that resentments only hurt the person holding them.

None of this is effective for me right now.  I have done the visualizations.  I deeply understand that holding anger is not good for me and is definitely not doing anything to the situation or person it is directed towards.

 Yet I am still seething and wonder why.

This morning in meditation I felt like my higher power was giving me permission to just feel it.  I think maybe that's my root problem is that I completely shut these feelings out knowing that they are not helpful to me.  I skip the steps of moving through the emotion in light of staying in my head and processing there.  I am beginning to learn that I cannot process an emotion in my head.

That thought scares me.

I remember the last time I allowed myself to feel anger, it exploded into rage and became way way larger then I was.

My ex husband had just moved me and my oldest and only daughter at the time to a small isolated northern town for his career.  Within three months of being there and also three months pregnant he wanted to break up.  He claimed he didn't love me anymore nor thought he ever had.  In that moment I was devastated.  Looking back there was pure truth to his words, I was just incapable of seeing it at the time.  I instead went into a rage that was out of my world.

I broke shit.  I yelled.  Then I begged and pleaded.  Then I coward and sunk into the pitty pot.  Then I bounced back out into an even deeper rage.  This went on for months.  I realized my rage was larger then me when after breaking nearly everything in my home I stood in front of the TV with a five pin bowling ball and wondered what the TV would do if I threw the ball at it.   That's when I got scared.

Since that day and up till that day I never ever allowed myself to feel pain in any form.  That rage was years of it erupting like lava.  Looking back today I can see clearly what was happening.  I was angry at being abandoned and left by yet another male in my family.  It was truly my dad the rage was directed at not my ex husband.  (Actually upon proofing this post I see that it was not even my dad I was angry at, it was just the emotion of pain over abandonment that was the cause.  I think learning to not point blame and own the emotion for what it really is.... just an emotion, like a thought that can be overdone.) Looking back now it was a prefect opportunity for us to part ways saving many wasted years....... but oh well can't dwell on that now.

So what is the anger that's beginning to surge through me now?  How do I move through this anger without a repeat of bowling ball to TV?  I love my TV.  Meditations are great, but is not approaching the situation or person better?  Are meditations in some cases just another way to not deal with the issues at hand.  I guess for childhood stuff there isn't anything other then meditations or journalling to deal with it.  What about the stuff that still goes on today?  That must fall under self care.

Going even deeper, how do I deal with something bugging me today but has a link to childhood stuff?  How do I keep the earlier rage out of the now stuff?   I feel like this seething is gonna erupt whether I am ready to deal with it or not, I might as well direct it as best as I can while I still can.  I cannot stuff it with food anymore it's just not working.

.........hmmmm.

Walking through my feelings has got to be the toughest part so far of recovery.  I have no idea what they are when they come up, and once I do identify them I have no idea what they mean or how to effectively handle them.  Its like I am meeting this whole new side of myself that truly has a mind and energy all of its own.  It's surprising and I feel a bit threatened by this side of me.  I have ran the show all these years from my head and now this newcomer waltzes in and thinks she has a better way of living from this thing called the heart?   wtf?

This is gonna be an interesting year for me, I can just feel it.

The Pattern of Relapse

What an internal trail I have been trekking these past few weeks.  Nice clean pastures followed by valleys and mountain slopes.  Peaceful at times and then shattered by ferocious roars bursting out of the brush.  Inviting gurgling brooks where I stop and just enjoy the surroundings, and 90 degree slopes that I must pick ax my way up.  

This of course is all metaphorical and inside my own over active imagination.   Theres a full thriving complete world in between these two ears of mine.  But thats a story for another post....

I am processing the Cycle of Relapse.

Being that my story involves so many starts and stops, I am deeply interested in why one relapses when the desire is deep for recovery.  I am also intrigued by the layers of relapse.  When drugs are no longer the focal point, it is amazing to me all the different points that come into focus to replace dope.

I have learned through my third sponsor that I can seek the answers to my recovery questions anywhere I need to if I cannot find them within the rooms of the twelve step fellowship I belong to.  I have asked several people about relapse and the cycle of it and have not received sufficient information to satisfy my insatiable appetite for recovery knowledge.  Even reading the AA blue book and the living clean book have been inadequate in supplying the answers I seek.

 During my entire set of steps, my sponsor and I worked not only the NA steps but also Melody Beattie's Co-dependent steps.  I found the CoDA side of explanations to hit much closer to home for me then the NA ones.  I  am finding the answers on relapse in the same place.

I am in a spiritual relapse.

I like my labels to be able to define and categorize where exactly in my compartmentalized brain the concept fits.  I struggled with considering my mindset as a drug relapse because I have no desire to use and even when presented with the option I choose not to.  Not that I will always as I am a drug addict and can only keep my recovery for so long if I am not working a program.  But I am working a program and still feel like shit.  Actually scratch that last line I am not fully working a program.

I am now understanding my idea of what a program is may be the starting problem.  To me going to meetings, doing step work and connecting to people in recovery is what working a program is.  However I am learning that it actually goes a bit deeper then that now.  Working a program is about self care.  Eating properly, getting enough exercise and taking care of my personal hygiene.  It also means setting boundaries, taking responsibility for myself and honoring my roles in life as mother, employee, Friend and so on.  So working a program now is deeper then when I first came into recovery.  I am not working my program to the best of my ability.

The current book I am reading by Melody Beattie points out all the ways in which we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy, mind, body and spirit, right after she outlines the stages of relapse.  Thats what I am more intrigued about right now.  I need to know the why's and hows of whats going on in my world.  I know something shifted in me a while back, what I don't get is why it shifted.

Now I know why...

So the first step in an emotional relapse or a spiritual one, or even a drug one is... Your emotions shut down.

Looking back now I can see the exact place that this occurred for me.  I was in a place of Goddess connected Love and Bliss for a good solid four or five months around the turn of the year.  I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable early spring and then an insatiable desire to seek out the bad boy.  I convinced myself that it was an innocent past time I was looking for and coming from a place of blissful connection I could handle it.  I see in my 20/20 hindsight that something before that stirred up some feelings of pain and I needed to numb out..... distract with the patterned behaviour of getting romantically involved.  That pattern in its extreme form is the endless string of boyfriends that end up going nowhere.... I see now its just a way of avoiding my own feelings and... Pain.

After Shutting the emotions down our compulsive behaviors return.  The first one for me is over eating followed by a pattern of starving myself under the disguise of healthy fasting cleanses.  When this behavior shows up I know I am stuffing feelings but am usually to clouded to see and just keep cycling here.  When I progress to extremes I move into dope and then the final stage for me is sexing the entire football team.  I can see clearly now my own compulsive patterns.  I have always been on the verge of understanding for a bit now, just not seeing how they all fit into the puzzle, now I do.  Self awareness is key to being able to fully take care of yourself and thus work an effective program.  This phase takes a while to get to though.

After the compulsive behaviors start then that victim self image returns.  Now for me after reading the definition Melody lays out for victim mentality I realize I don't have that, I actually embody the opposite.... runner mentality.  I refused from a very young age after reading a book about child sexual abuse survivors to become a victim.  So instead I grew into the worlds top sprinter.  When I begin to get edgy, not being able to figure out why I am over eating I start the process of elimination.  I do that by finding the last thing that irritated me and I cut it out of my life.  recently it was work.  I am tired and want a break from the long hours, so I figured it was time to write up a new resume and begin the process of looking for a new job.  My runner mentality needs new focus and to create external passion in my life.  Looking for a new job was that for me this time.  Lots of times in the past its been a move to a new house/town/province.

The next phase of relapse is that our self worth drops.  I can see this with looking for a new job.  I started to feel bad because I was gonna jump ship on my boss who has been nothing but wonderful too me.  I started to justify why I needed to move on and it was even getting to the point where I was starting to sabotage my job by way of shitty attitude towards my beloved boss.  Wow, the sinking sensation in my soul even as I write that is effecting my self esteem right now.  My God lets me get away with Nothing these days.... nothing.

At this phase of the cycle is when the crazies return.  Fear comes up and we begin to function from this place.  At my one year cake I opened my sharing with the fact that I am in fear again.  I could not understand why.  I felt undeserving, depressed, over extended, over sensitive  to the point of almost desperation.  I was back in a place of using pain without the fucking dope.... how was this right??

This is where the behaviors come full blown.  This is also where my relapse has stopped.  This is where the fuck you I am gonna act the way I want because I am a scared caged animal lashing out starts.  This is quickly followed by... for me, drug relapse and the... holy fuck how did I get here again!!  I remember this feeling way to clearly from my first several relapses in early recovery.

I cycled through this list at mach speed in early recovery, probably because I never made it to the beginning where my feelings were even open to have a place to shut down.  Thats what the spiritual awakening was for me... Through working the twelve steps openly and honestly I did open to my feelings, thats the difference in my relapse today.  I had further to cycle.

Recovery really is a process that requires patience and a balance of fun in order to get through the layers of the onion necessary to get to the core of why you use to cope in the first place.  Now that i understand the cycle of relapse my attention has moved into what pain was coming up that I wanted to shut out in the first place.  I think through the meeting last night I have a pretty good idea.  A pain that I need to work out in private.  Learning what to disclose was on Melody's self care checklist, something that I think I need to get intimate with.  So this one I will need to process in private I think.

So now that I understand the cycling of relapse, awareness being the first Key, now I can work on the actions needed to keep it from happening again.   Self care.  It's always, always boils down to self care.  And the ways in which we can take care of oursleves is an endless life long journey in itself.  So It looks like I have my work cut out for me.

Have a great Thanksgiving Everyone!!

*** Reposted***  Two years ago.

Is it Easier to Give then to Receive?

 I am having one hell of a time opening my heart chakra.  I have come to the new understanding that I struggle with accepting Love from others.  I am shut off to the receiving of Love.  I cannot let others in.

Those are all pretty negative statements about myself.  My years of new age philosophical study have shown me that these kinds of thoughts and affirming statements keep me in that stuck place.  To turn it around I must affirm something different.  I have been saying some Louis Hay affirmations and this one seems to have triggered  my new understandings...

I am one with Life, and all Life loves me and supports me.

Therefor, I claim for myself high self worth and self esteem.  I love and appreciate myself on every level.  

I am not my parents, nor any addictive pattern they may have had.

No matter what my past may have been, now in this moment

I choose to eliminate all negative self-talk and to love and approve of myself.

I am my own unique self, and I rejoice in who I am.  I am acceptable and lovable.

This is the truth of my being, and I accept it as so.

All is well in my world.

Louis Hay is queen of affirmations.  She has  book called Heal your Life and it is a wonderful program of peeling your inner onion.  I tried her program before falling into the rooms of NA.  I never got her program then, but now through the twelve steps I can access her teachings more openly now.

I started saying this affirmation about a month ago.  I say it when I go to bed.  She has one of these detailed affirmations written up after each chapter of her workbook.  I never really understood why I was saying this one until yesterday. It's an affirmation about addictions which seemed fairly obvious to me when I began chanting it nightly.  What has come to my attention now though is how much more I need to work through other then the surface issue of addiction.

'I am one with life and all life LOVES and SUPPORTS me'.    

I am fairly comfortable tapping divine love in meditation.  I am even getting comfortable generating my own self love through treating myself well and letting myself have fun and enjoy life.  I can feel love rush my heart when I call on it and I can feel it when I eat well or do something healthy for myself.  I love basking in this new found love from my higher self.

I have become uncomfortably aware I am not so okay with others loving me and supporting me though.  Thats what my one year celebration boomed from the box inside my reality.  I am not comfortable with outside support and Love.  I can hear nails grating on a chalkboard.

I don't really understand at this point why that is, other then the obvious... lack of trust.   Is it really that though?  I have been looking deeply into every relationship I have and I can see the continuous flow of outward love from me, but a huge iron wall blocking that flow of love back.  I can give, but cannot seem to receive.  No wonder why I am exhausted these days.

My youngest daughter was rubbing my leg as we cuddled, watching a movie the other day.  I could not focus on the movie, my mind was intensely focused on the uncomfortable sensation that her action was having on my entire physical, mental and emotional being.  I kept telling myself she was just expressing love and to relax and allow it in.  I didn't stop her,and I never relaxed.

That example was probably a poor one, as sexual abuse and physical touching will take years for me to work through, but it does go to show that my wall is there.  I don't let anyone in, physically or otherwise.  Probably why the emotionally unavailable guy is so seductive to me.  He won't seek what I can't give and vice versa.

'I am acceptable and lovable'.       ......not.......

I think this is the line of real focus at the end of this affirmation.  Going beyond the physical abuse of my childhood is really the emotional abuse.  This here ties into to my post yesterday and what deep beliefs were born out of not being protected and cared for properly as a child.  In my immaturity I felt not worthy or lovable enough for someone to stand up for me.  Even when my parent found out about the sexual abuse that had been taking place for almost ten years, they did nothing about it.  The good ol' fashion carpet brush.  I guess to a child if her parents didn't care, then why would anyone else in the world.

I can almost see the walls building in my teen years.  Brick by brick as each toxic teenage relationship affirmed my unlovableness.  The wall just kept getting higher until I started another wall behind the first one.  I am sure today that wall is three layers deep.  

So how do I get past this?  

Awareness, acceptance and action.  

I am always the bright student when it comes to awareness.  I hear it constantly from my counselors and sponsors.  "B, good for you and your awareness, thats the first step'.   I am aware of everything because I trained myself as a child to be highly alert.  I had to be.  To protect myself.  Acceptance is the issue.  I wanna get laid today.  In the worst kind of way.  I know I cant get loaded, my families eyes are on me now.... Stupid marriage of recovery and family through the one year celebration, man NA is ridiculously effective..  So whats the next best way to escape reality for me.... sex'er up!

I need to prove myself wrong on this whole accepting love thing because I know I feel love when I hook up with a guy.  What else can that feeling be?  It makes my heart wanna jump right out of my chest.  I feel warm, loved and on top of the world.  I feel safe and invincible when I am nestled in the arms of a guy.  It doesn't matter if it's a stranger or not, I feel acceptable.

Until the next morning.

So what is it that a seedy, creepy guy gives me that fills me up?  Diseases!  Kinda like my dope feeds a disease.  Why does all of this all need to be so contradictory.  I can hop into bed with a stranger and be okay, yet when my own flesh and blood rubs my leg I wanna crawl outta my skin.

Acceptance without the work.  Thats what the guy gives me.

This stuff I know already, yet still kinda unwilling to accept it.  I would rather the five minutes of relief with a guy then to face the fact I have a shit tonne of work to do.  Pulling down this wall brick by brick makes me squirm in my chair as I type this.  I don't even know where to begin.

I guess once the acceptance occurs then the steps to take action will fall into place.  This is where that serenity prayer steps in and guides my higher power take care of all those details.  I just have to become ready... back to the third step.  No wonder we say both prayers during every meeting.  Sneaky bastards!

I really don't know what I am afraid of.  What would be so bad about allowing love into my life?  I love giving it.  What is so tough about receiving it?  Would my life not be better if I could?  And can I honestly say I am not receiving any at all?  I can feel it seeping in through the cracks in my wall, like everyone's kind words the other night.  What am I afraid will happen when i let my wall down?  My kids are not gonna hurt me.  Maybe the toxic guy will and maybe the vindictive bitch will, but my family won't.  My close friends won't.  And if they unintentionally do, I am way smart and will logicalize that hurt and understand instantly why they did.  So what really am I so freaked out about that I am willing to risk gonorrhea for?

Getting rid of the deep belief that I am not acceptable or lovable.  That's really whats gonna remove the wall.  I need to believe that I am acceptable.  I need to believe that I am Lovable.  Because I don't believe those two.  Accepting those will be the very quick flow into action.  That's where my river is damned.

I guess for now I will keep saying the affirmations that will trick my brain into slowly shifting consciousness from unlovable to lovable, from unacceptable to acceptable.  Till that shift occurs I need to say my serenity prayer and distract myself from that incredibly enticing, hard bodied, sexy, oiled up playboy..........

Oh, Dear Goddess Help me. 

The 'M' Complex.

I love Mother Nature today.  All this rain in early October is not welcomed by my Boss who is trying to run a successful Landscaping business, but to me it is a much, much needed break.  Finally I have had a few days off to not only recharge these old bones but to also catch up on my house work, bill paying, grocery shopping and to even have time to relax with my girls.

I can understand the deep importance of having balance in all these area's now.  I never gave rest and relaxation other then 30 minutes of mediation daily much thought until recently.  There is something deeply therapeutic about being able to just rest not only your body but your mind for a few hours at a time.  I am always from the mind set if your not being productive then your not being.   We are human.... beings though, not human doings.   I am always the human doing and never just the human being.

Let me move quickly into the topic before I lose my nerve.  That first line sparked a topic that is much needed for discussion in my world.  A long over due discussion actually.

Mother.

I can almost hear the groan.  I don't even know where that guttural sound originates from.  My mom for the better part of my life was my best friend.  I called her for everything.  I moved her up to my northern town 9 hours from home because I could not stand to be without her.  However, somewhere along the way of addiction and recovery I have come to feel such deep intense feelings of pain, rage and contempt towards her.  These feelings confused me and now I think it is time I face those feelings so that I can move on.

How did I come up with that realization?  This is the area of life that I love most now that I am connecting with God/dess.  The signs I get, the lessons I am awarded for just being.  When I observe my life from a detached place I can see the signs that connect with one another and from those signs I get my message from Spirit.

My one year cake celebration meeting was this past weekend.  I entered into that meeting with fear and trepidation.  These past few months I have been shutting down and closing off, I couldn't really put my finger on why.  Until that meeting.  What I thought was fear over being the center of attention was actually the fear of facing my mother head on, the last link to the misery of my past.  The final puzzle piece to be placed in the picture of my pain and suffered childhood.

Letting go always an issue for me.  More comfortable in my self created Hell then the glorious light of the world.  My mother meeting my recovery was why I was sweating the celebration meeting.  My mother being included in my growing light is why I wanted to get loaded and throw it all away.  Having my mother bear witness to real love that is shared with me, love that she couldn't give me as a child and love that I now refuse from her was the reason I didn't want to invite her into my recovery.

I came to all these conclusions from what someone else shared about their own mother during that birthday celebration.  I could feel myself get hard inside and knew that I had some shit to face.  My mom doesn't read my blog, not because she doesn't want to, she does.  I told her honestly that my words might hurt her here and I truly don't want to hurt my mom.  However I am still hurting over a lot of things from my distant past and not so distant past, that need to be expressed.  This is where I process those feelings.  This is my safe place.

I cut my mom out of my life these past few months.  After the meeting I realized I wasn't afraid of being center of attention, I wasn't afraid of the intimacy.  I was truly afraid of my mother being there.  The fear I think though is double sided.  I don't want to see my mom hurt and I really did want to share that the women in the rooms of NA have loved me more fully and deeply then my own mother ever has.  I didn't want my mom to know that's how I feel.  I didn't want my mom to see how many people love me and want to see me get better because to me my mom is the food addict that created my inability to express my feelings.  I didn't want her to realize this and feel bad and slip deeper into her food coma.  I think it was equally as much of protecting her then it was not wanting to let her in.

I am seeing that this is the facing the past that is uncomfortable but sometimes necessary.  I have said to my close support group that there is gonna be a blow out between my mom and I.  I can feel the tensions building between her and I.  More my tensions projected upon her.

I have done some deep meditative healing with my sexual abuser from my childhood.  I have been graced a live phone call with my father where he apologized for all the shittiness of my childhood and his part in it.  That phone call was the most powerfully healing interaction I have ever had with another human being.  Three simple words said with true feeling... I am Sorry, by my dad, released a tidal wave of pent up childhood scars.

I have gained forgiveness with two of my three abusers from childhood, my mother is the last one.  I have seemed to leave the toughest till last.  Probably because I still have yet to accept that her neglect and lack of protection were forms of abuse and contributed the most to my pain and suffering.  And that these forms of abuse are still playing out between us on a subtle scale.  It's easy for me to over look them as she was a child herself and knew no better and still has not learned, but my logical mind is insufficient where my heart is concerned.

I am learning that a human being not doing, just lets spirit walk her through these things.  I did indeed proceed forward to the meeting with my mom, but not so much of a graceful walk as it was a slither in the shadows.  This last piece of my puzzle is a finally that closes that chapter of my book forever.  I know I have written about the ending of my book already happening, but that was before I realized this chapter is crucial to full healing.  I was trying to keep my book clean, happy and white lighted.  Unfortunately, life is not that pristine.  The sooner I accept that the faster I will recover from the addictions that keep me in a rose colored fantasy.

I guess I will sit back now and let spirit clear the air for me and stir up the dust once again.  I will get back in my little row boat and just relax with the waves of life and know that on the other side of fear is my dreams. I will tell myself that over and over again as I heave my breakfast, yesterdays supper and all my childhood emotions up over the side of the boat as each wave rocks my stomach clean.

 I am always heading towards the light even if the skies get gray.  Look at today as a perfect example.... because the skies are gray I get a day off.  Loving the Gray!!

Rounding A Major Milestone!! ONE YEAR CLEAN

**Repost, Oct 2013**

I have been too busy lately.  Way too busy.  September is always a frantic month for me with back to school kids stuff and my belly button birthday, but add in my clean date birthday and CANA convention and all hell breaks loose in this routine little mind of mine.

I finally made it to one year of sobriety on Monday and I have yet to get here to share that with you.  That makes me sad, very sad actually.  I like my Sunday routine of blogging and this past week it was replaced with attending the NA convention.  Which in itself is fabulous and was a huge awaken-er for me, so I cannot complain there, but I am noticing that in my aging days I am lacking the energy to do it all.... actually thats not right, I have tonnes of energy when I eat right, but I am not doing that either.  I am lacking passion in my life, is a more true statement.

When I lack passion and drive for life I find it very difficult to motivate myself to do anything.  The convention awoke me to the realization I have gotten off course again in my life.  Not a huge discourse, just a starting turn in a direction of 'has been'  instead of 'whats new pussy cat'.

I took the day off work today because I am exhausted, struggling with headaches and negative thoughts.  I work 6 days a week over 8 hours each day.  I have been steady at this for several months now with only days off to go do something like conventions and stuff.  I have not had a day to just veg and do nothing.  I feel like I am constantly playing catch up and never getting ahead.  I am burning out.  This is not good for my program.  I have no time for rest or fun activities anymore... not a good place to be in.  Work/life balance is non existent.  I am suffering because of it.



..........I was one year clean on Monday!!!  Yay.  My hands are waving in the air... I did it!!  I say those words with a lack of excitement only because I am unmotivated today, something is amiss in my life.  I am truly happy I got here.  I have some reservations and fears to work through about getting loaded now, because that has been my secret promise to myself for the past six months..... every time I wanted to use, I told myself I would celebrate one year with a glass of wine.  I said it just to get myself to a year and really have no desire to drink, but there still lingers a fear there.

Beyond the reservations though is a good look at where my life is and if I am living my will or Gods will.  When I started my job landscaping, I loved it and firmly believed it was where I was meant to be.  I still believe it was the path I was to take.  However today my mind is shifting and I am not sure if it is because of my own self will and constant need for change and chaos or if it is the prayers I have been sending out about God to lead my life.

You see I have always longed to work with broken teens, since I was a little girl thats what I wanted to do.  I knew from  very young age my sexual abuse would fuck me up as a teenager and therefor potentially as an adult and that brought on this huge desire to help other girls get through it too.  As I grew up I did lots of volunteer work in that field and began my Social work course in college in my early 20's.  Somewhere along the way I got lost and today I work in landscaping.

My desires lately have been tugging me back in that social work direction.  I fight the fear of breaking back on to that path, not entirely understanding of what the fear really is though.  I struggle with working this job that keeps me away from my kids, my life and my program and is slowly loosing its luster.  I struggle with being the flake that cannot keep anything going longer then six months.  Is it boredom or am I tired of working towards someone elses dream?

My daughter came home the other night bursting with excitement over a connection she made for me.  A coworker's husband apparently works with broken teens and wants to meet me this weekend after an animated conversation with my daughter about all my history in helping people including my NA experience.  Kinda puked a bit in my mouth when she told me that part, but I guess he knows of a position that would suit me and is open right now.  I am going to meet him with a new revised resume this weekend.

Self sabotage is rampant in my mind right now.  Staying home from work, hiding in my sleep depression.  Unworthiness bouncing around my head like a wild ping-pong game.  Fighting to motivate myself for a beautiful dinner my best friend wants to gift to me for all the hard work I have put into my year staying clean, and trying to tap into the excitement of my cake celebration tomorrow night and my Woman's meeting open to men.

Being the center of attention is not something I relish in.  I can be the class clown on my own terms, I like making people laugh and smile.  But to be on the receiving end of niceties on a wider scale as this phase of my life is bringing me is highly uncomfortable...

Too much going on in my head, too much happening on the outside world.  Lots of shifting directions, lots of good positive attention, all of this is wonderful.  Yet I am so out of my element I am struggling to stay grounded.  Throw the shit at me and I am your ace in the pocket, but surround me with the white light and I am freakin basket case.

I am sure this is the fear of walking through the unknown.  I do not do anything without theatrics.....   Here is too gracefully walking into bigger and better things in my life...  Oh God... Gracefully!!

Harvesting Recovery

Happy Fall Equinox!!

 Mabon Celebration of the Pagan Year.   This is the quarter of the witches wheel that brings us into the reaping of what we have sewn this year.  Full Harvest moon still sharing her full light with us also brings celebrations a plenty!   Tonnes of energy and transformation is available to us all at this time of the year.

 In the olden days this is when our ancestors harvested the food that sustained our tribes for the coming year.  It was a busy back breaking time of year, but it was also a time of freshness and abundance and therefore much happiness and celebration.  Today we get our food from the supermarkets and if we garden its for hobby, so our reaping and sewing has moved to a more inner and personal experience.  Today pagans focus on the goals that bring them the green energy from their jobs that supply the means for the supermarket purchases.

So I ask you, what are you harvesting from your Garden this year??

I have been questioning lots this past week about what I have sewn this year and what I am reaping.  I see much growth in my garden for which I am always grateful and awestruck by and I will share in a moment, but I also have some rotten patches in my garden as well.

As I watch the flowers wilt and the leaves turn brown in my small northern city, I get a bit frustrated at the loss of beauty in the flower bed.  I have to resist the urge to pluck all unsightly foliage off the plants I maintain at work.  An impossible task in the fall, and not one thats entirely advised.  I have a hard time accepting anything unsightly in my physical vision as well as my energetic sight.  Accepting death and decay as a part of life and beauty is a hard concept for me.   I am that white lighter that wants everything pristine and perfect at all times with no negative underflow anywhere.

This time of the year is a perfect mix of marriage like happy celebration and funeral like remembrance celebration.  Funny how this time of the year right up to Samhain/Halloween is my all time favorite times of the year yet I can't stand decay.  Astrology teaches me we are a bundle of contradictions within our own personalities......

..............................


.......So moving on from the brief lesson in the pagan calender, I have come to realize a tremendous amount of stuff about myself in the past few weeks.  Thats what I want to share here today.  I am 39 years old and feel like a four month old noticing her fingers attached to her hands for the first time.  Excited at the revelations yet saddened by yet again all the wasted years.

I am finally out of obsession .......again.  I see now that anything that fills my void or distracts me from myself and my higher power becomes an obsessive game for me.  Its that instant feel good that I seek which is truly self abuse hidden in those void filling feelings.  Again my forms of obsession are drugs, food, sex and the emotionally unavailable guy.  lol  See how I have changed that from the bad boy.   I am growing up!

This past month I have been repulsed by drugs when I found my daughters stash.  I have binged and then fasted only to become so disgusted with the ridiculously played out cycle that I have gone back to eating for my body and let go of the obsession around food.  I have been shocked to hear myself gasp when a friend mentioned me bringing a guy home, ....ewe..., and I have effortlessly turned away from an opportunity to travel back down the path of the emotionally unavailable guy.   These have all encouraged the lifting of my obsessions and have free'd up my mind and spirit to pursue higher forms of thought and action.

That is the death and decay in my garden.  I have had a terrible time letting those things go.  This entire blog has been my journey though those obsessions that gripped my mind and kept me sick and asleep.  I have had moments to months of freedom this past year and it was in those clear times that I urgently planted seeds for my return in future months when I knew I would get lost again.  Coming to believe is a great process of sleep and waking to the realities of who you really are..... and thats not the monster you perceive yourself to be.   Thats what obsession tells you.

So now that I am not in that place of low self esteem and self abuse where am I?  What does my garden

grow?

Funny how I draw a blank now that I am about to talk about some good positive things about myself.  Why is it so hard for us to talk kindly about ourselves yet so easy to rip ourselves down?  I think for me that when I embrace my light and begin to share it with others, some people get offended and attack it.  I personally feel thats why I have a hard time standing in that.  I also feel somewhat arrogant when I feel that I am good at something, or that I am being true to myself and want to share that.  It's truly not arrogance as I am so easily humbled.  I never forget my place in the cosmic food chain, we are all lights and we all have incredible destinies to embrace.  By sharing my lessons I hope to ignite others to theirs, yet I still find it hard to share the good in my life.  My old blogs were so intensely negative that I lost friends over them because my friends could not stand to see me in so much pain.  I can express that easily.  Love..... not so easily.

Oh I have a recent experience to share.....

My youngest daughter was sharing a situation at school the other day with me in which she had the opportunity to practice some advice I had gifted her a while back.  As she proudly reminded me of what I had taught her she was very grateful for my words of wisdom.  I was humbled and almost moved to tears... I really am teaching my girls something.  My older daughter did her first draft on her budget last week and was astonished at where her money goes, this week we will create a solid budget and I am confident I have the strength to hold her too it when it gets tough for her.  At the beginning of the year I set the intent to focus my energy on raising my daughter well.  In the course of that year my adult daughter moved home to reap that benefit as well.... I never knew my garden could produce that, I am doubly blessed.

Last year at Samhain( Thats when the goals are created for contemplation over the winter), I was on Welfare.  I set the intent that I would find a career path that would be able to support me and my daughter and help us flourish not just survive.  I bought her two pairs of jeans for school equally over two hundred bucks!  I could afford it and she is worth it as she moves into grade 8, the year where peer pressure is the toughest.  I am working with a career counsellor gifted to me from social services to better hone my skills and apply them to a real career that will satisfy not only all my needs but incorporate my Passions into it as well.  I am reaping way more then I sewn last year this time.... I just wanted a job.  Now I have a tan, lost almost 30 pounds and have a savings account.

There are some rough patches in my garden though.  I have had to let go of a few people in my life that i loved and others that I have hurt along the way.  I have had some pretty intense confrontations with people and with some of my own inner demons.  I have had to peel away from the obsessions that I am comfortable with and provided me with security and stability.  That last one in itself was truly what recovery is all about and it is scary as shit to find a new way to live.  It's unstable, like a baby taking her first steps, not without tears.

Confidence is only born out of challenges overcome.... so in a bit of a caddy way I lower my vibration momentarily to give a shout out to all the haters in my world this past year.... thank you for helping me get stronger.

So now as I move out of this year and into my next year I wonder where it will take me.  I truly feel a phase of my life is ending and I have finally broke the cycle of self abuse and self hatred.  I feel that what I have been working on for many years is now finally complete and it is time to change directions and start something new.  I feel like a book with blank pages, a second novel to my completed first.  Empty and completely open to being filled with the abundance of the universe.   I AM FREE.

Who starts Fires to feel Joy?

**Repost, so amazing to me that I wrote a similar post last week having completely forgotten I had already been here once.... man I must have the largest fucking onion in the world too peel!**


Funny the things we use to motivate us.  I am struggling a bit to write today, for my weekly Sunday post.  The post that I look forward to the most, part of my Sunday routine and I am a stickler for my routines.  Why am I struggling to write you ask??  Cause I am weened off coffee.  It took an entire week to do soo but it is finally out of my system and i feel fabulous.  Except it was part of this enjoyable blogging routine I had on Sundays.  More then  part of it though was that I feel I need something to spark my heart in order to write.  Before coffee it was weed.  When I quit smoking dope I stopped writing for a long time, until I learned that polishing off a pot of coffee had a similar effect on me.

Beyond just needing coffee to blog, I have come to realize this week during my body cleanse and fast that I need many foods to lift my spirits.  With no exciting foods going into my system this past week I have found my emotions to be completely even.  Calm and peaceful at the beginning of the week.  Towards the end however that same calm and peaceful became flat and boring.  I began to understand how I eat not only to stuff feelings but to actually have them as well.

The girls made me watch the movie Pitch Perfect this week and there is a part in there where the creepy little Asian girl tells someone that she starts fires to feel joy.  As soon as the sentence reached my understanding I thought about all the things I do to feel joy.... food, sex, drugs, boys....  Those of course are the unhealthy ways.  I am learning new and improved ways to feel these same feelings but I was kinda shocked how mellow I am underneath all the outside influences.  How at my center I am pretty solid.

This week has been one challenge after another and I have been able to walk through them pretty unshaken.  Coming out with good realizations, one of which I want to share here today.

As my week progressed I was systematically stripped of all my connection devices.  Connections to the outside world, but not before I was presented with several minor irritations that added up to some pretty massive negative thought provoking situations for me.  In my self centered little world where everything revolves around me, I got caught in stinking thinking about how terrible I am at my job.  By the end of the week I was ready to quit.

I was too busy this week to reach out to my support group, between working my standard ten hour days and having to run errands after work for self care purposes... ei. groceries, school supplies and so on.., I didn't have the time to call anyone about the garbage in my head.  Then as texting became my only option, my cell phone battery decided it was the perfect time to crater and I was left without any time.  For my job, which is imperative nor for connection with my friends.

I stewed hard for two days about this.  Funny that the stewing really was attached to no feelings and that made me feel even more frustrated.  I never wanted to eat or break my fast, it just brought an awareness that was uncomfortable to me.  I am the one that creates the emotional waves in my life, no one else, no outside force does, just me.  Cleansing my insides kept me calm through all this even though my thoughts were ape shit.

Then it dawned on me.   I needed to calm my own mind. I needed to be my own sounding board and talk myself down from the negative thought process I was going through.  I then missed my ex husband.

This is the first time in four years I have allowed myself to miss something of him or our relationship.  I missed the way he used to be able to walk me through the tough times in my life.  Whenever I wanted to give up on something he would be there coaching me through it.  I miss that.  I see now that's what a sponsor does and reaching out to others does, they give us that coaching and boost.

The deeper lesson I learned however was that people are not always going to be available to coach you through something.  I had to talk myself through my negative thoughts Friday.  I had to be the one soothing my negative side with loving words and I had to show myself kindness.  It was extremely uncomfortable.  I felt sadness, a feeling for the first time in the week.  Sadness that I have been the last person out of all my friends and family to show myself love and compassion.

Learning to be single, truly and to take care of myself and all of my own needs means being able to be my own best friend.  To be able to coach myself through tough patches in my life and to gain strength that no matter where I am in life and who is with me that I will be okay.  I am a co-dependent girl who needs something to lean on at all times, people, food, places... whatever.   I need something outside myself to fill me up with a sense of self worth.  This past week brought a deep comfortable awareness that I am learning to find what I need within myself.

I think after four years of running from the original reason why I left my ex I am finally finding what I was seeking then.  Independence.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  I have been so focused on the physical that I have missed the emotional, mental sides of that separation.  Funny how I need to separate from some

others in order to connect with myself.  Life is about connection.  I guess not all connections are healthy ones.  Maybe that will be my new lesson to walk through.

I am Nobody's Power Source!!

In the blog I deleted just before this one... I have had four fully developed blogs in the past four years that I have deleted just when the meat was cooked to perfection.  This blog has now officially surpassed that and I think I may enjoy the beef.  Yay.  I really am doing things differently this time in my life and pushing past all sorts of comfort zones.  But again the point of the paragraph.....  Before I deleted the last blog I spoke lots about energy and how our bodies are made up of pure energy and how we exchange that energy with others.  That's what I would like to introduce to this blog.

I notice that when Spirit want me to learn something I go through this spiral patterning.  The first time I experience the lesson it is new to me.  Then as I go through the same pattern several more times I become more aware of the lessons and then I strive to break the pattern.  We have lots of patterns we spend our whole lives never noticing, and we have smaller quicker lessons we pattern through.  This energy one that I want to share with you is a quicker lesson for me.

I need to be careful with how deep I go with this here for my loving addict readers.  I have been seen as crazy and off the rails with many of my friends including my ex husband over the years, due to my beliefs in the metaphysics and I don't want to jump into that here and now.  I just want to share with you what I think could benefit you from what I am experiencing.  Ancient traditions leaned heavily on the sharing of ones story and story telling of the ancestors to help people get through their struggles.  Thats the whole theory behind this blog, to share my story and experiences in hopes that you might too learn something about yourself through my lessons.  Or just have a good laugh at how ridonculous my life can be....  whichever.

So let me start with explaining that most of our bodies are made up of energy.  Don't quote me but I think only 30 percent of what you see in this world is actually hard matter the rest is anti matter, which is pure energy.  We are pure energy.  Energy is always shifting and moving it can not stay static, which means we are always giving and exchanging energy.  This is where  drug addicts have found a loop hole....

You see because we are all energy, we need other people to survive.  We need people to share energy with.  Of course there are other exceptions to this rule, but generally we need others to survive.  As drug addicts have learned though we can tap an energy source through our dope and cut all human life away from our little world.  Through drugs we can open an energy portal that will sustain us.... until it kills us.  A dark energy portal...

I will stop that line of exploration there though because its not where I want to go with this post.  I have many ideas and theories on the source of that energy portal that I would love to discuss but for another time. When we are no longer in that dark energy it is up to us to tap into a light energy and to keep that energy strong.  I am struggling hard with this these past few weeks.

I have ranted many times about how eating poorly lowers my energy and I will do it yet again today.  I am over indulging in wheat and just cannot seem to stop... the insanity of my disease alive and well wanting me dead in whatever form it needs to take.  I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning.  I am back to suicidal thoughts, I cannot even begin to explain how negatively wheat effects my mind.  I have been absent minded at work, costing my boss lots of dollars and I just about got hit by a car yesterday because I was confused.  This is serious stuff.

Now I don't think all of that is about eating poorly, a large portion is about self care.  It is up to us to take care of ourselves.  As addicts we want everyone else to take care of us.  We are infants trapped in adult bodies, I haven't grown up yet.  Eating poorly is a form of self abuse, self abuse lowers my energy.  I cannot be in my higher 'power' when I self abuse.   That is why my energy is so low its not just the specif issue of wheat.  I am always needing a scapegoat for my mind to grasp understanding.  The scapegoat here should be me.

By eating poorly I have lacked the energy, with no good fuel going into my chariot, to do the fun things in life that fill me up with more good energy.  So the spiral down has begun.  The more I eat poorly the more I just want to sleep, the more I want to sleep the less energy I actually have, and so on it goes.

Now this is not the end of what is really going on in my world.  Here is where I begin to tread into some territory that borders me on the crazy comments I used to get from my ex husband.

When ones energy is low it becomes increasingly difficult to deal with life on life's terms.  The energy that you do have is spent on just normal functioning of your body, your mind begins to suffer.  When the mind suffers you are unable to process simple changes and challenges in your world.

 My home has shifted drastically in the past week.  Middle daughter home from dads after being gone two months and older daughter now living here as well.  The energy in my home is chaotic.  My energy is already compromised.  There is no place for me to find peace and balance in my world right now because of all the new and changing energy happening around me.  I am not doing well.  When I get panicky like this my mind tells me to fill up more on sugars to get that instant energy or caffeine to make it through.  This is where food becomes a drug for me... sick if I don't get it and makes me sicker when I do get it.

So now I want to take this even deeper still.  I injected my home life unbalance just to give you more basis for the real issue going on in my world and one for which may be harder to grasp.  This is something I have blogged about before many times and this is the pattern I am actually cycling, I am on about the fourth rung right now and not sure how many more I will have to go before I get it.

Psychic vampires, energy suckers.  People that leach on to your energy and feed off you instead of their own life.  Now that sounds kinda extreme and its not really that black and white.  We all give and take energy at different points in our lives.  That's good and healthy.  The people I am talking about here are the ones that have been unable to reach their own inner powers and are still children needing you to take care of them.  Because I am a woman I can only share my experience in this regard to men.  Although I have experienced females that draw deeply off my energy and don't give back, but those friendships for whatever reason are easily cut from my life, its the male energy cling ons that my lesson is with.

The middle man in my triage of recent broken boys is the one I am talking about here.  There has always been an odd eerie connection between the two of us.  Not sure if it is just his Pisces nature or his obsessive nature that makes it so easy for us to connect energetically.   Whichever it is, it's a bitch to break.

The week before he showed up beaten and bruised in my small northern town I had a dream about him.  It was a full moon when he creeped into my nighttime playground, which did not shock me as this is the time we would always come back together for a rendezvous after we had broken up.... for the 100th time.  What surprised me was when he was physically in my daytime playground less then a week later.  He energetically called to me before showing up.  How did he get through?  I have some serious blocks around me where this man is concerned.  Or do I?  I was seriously shaken.

Having such low energy has left some major rips in my auric Field.  Lack of self care has left me in a place of needing someone else to care for me.  The more energy I spent figuring out what is going on with this man, the more i become energetically entwined with him. (Your thoughts have the power to manifest, master your thoughts).   After hearing about his current physical condition my heart leapt out to him.  Even though my understanding is that physically I cannot reach out to him as this would cause both of us more pain in the end, I did reach out spiritually to him.  I found myself astral travelling to him and pain filled my soul as I felt his desolation.

I am now in that desolation with him.  I am submerged in his darkness and I am struggling to get back out.  For the past two days at work I have struggled with keys and doors.  Spiritually translated I am unable to unlock the door to get out.  I have had two days of issues with vehicles, Spiritually I am unable to move.  I almost got hit by a car,  spiritually I am in a dangerous place.

 Did he reach out to me or did I actually call to him?  When I was getting ready for Aventa a drug treatment, he kept me so preoccupied that I was ill packed, ill prepared and almost missed my bus there.  I needed to escape the fear and change of going to Aventa.  Am I avoiding the fear and change of both my girls moving home?  Am I in fear of the direction my life is taking into the light and into my future?  Am I struggling to hold on to an abusive energy that my inner child is so comfortable in?  Is this me not letting go?

I always assume full responsibility for all in my life.  I am learning that I can only take responsibility for what is mine.  Hard lesson.

I cannot believe that all of this reaching out is only on my part.  He is the one that showed up in the physical bruised and broken.  I think truly him and I are remnants of twin souls and we are patterning the same lessons in our own lives and reach out to each other for support.  I do believe in soul mates but not like others do in the coupling of romantic partners.  We travel in soul groups facilitating lessons for each other.  This man is a bit deeper then a soul mate he is a twin that has the same energetic make up as me and we are easily attracted to each other.

The easily attracted would be all wonderful and romantic if we were both healthy and strong in our own powers...... but we are not.  We are struggling adult children that can and will drown each other if we allow the connection between is to stay attached and building.

I have been working very hard the past few days to cut those cords and break that connection.  I am learning that many others are also energetically attached to this situation and I feel like I am fending off an army of energetic suckers wishing to do both him and I harm.  I hate cutting him loose to fend for himself, but if I want to find that door and use the key to unlock my future I have to let go.  I have to get out of the way of that moving vehicle and get into my own.  I cannot be responsible for the broken bad boys anymore.  I cannot fix them in hopes that it will fix my dad.  (Ahh.. Pause for dramatic realization)

(and skip over realization, not ready to go there)  I need to put my attention on the things that are in my power to take care of...... my girls and myself.    I am tired of always putting broken men in front of my beautiful daughters.

So as I struggle to eat well and raise my energy vibrations back up, I am now deeply aware of why I must do this.  My self abuse is directly effecting those girls.  My self abuse is allowing dark energies into my space.  Those energies are threatening to take me back out.  They say relapse starts way before the actually drug hits your system.  If I get back physically with bad boy number two it will end in relapse.... it always... always has.  Insanity says it won't.   So here is to me growing up and taking care of myself.  Its not selfish to take care of our self... it's childish not to.

Bowled Over by Other Peoples Thoughts

Letting other peoples opinions sway me has always been an issue of mine.  I never really understood this as such until very recently.

When someone I respect, or someone that I feel is an authority on a subject makes a comment about me, that comment seems to seep into all the little pockets of my brain.  Like their words hold this magical power to create that comment within me even if it is an inaccurate observation.

I never realized that this was part of my struggle to stand in my own truth.  I am forever believing what others think of me.  Even when what they believe does not resonate with me at all.  People who have lots of experience with a topic of belief are the ones that sway me the most.  Its not that i believe every little waif that strolls in and out of my life.  No it's the ones that other people respect and that are truly women standing in their own powers that creep into my mind and have me second guessing who I am.

It's not like these women mean to knock me over with their opinions.  They are just stating their observations from their perspectives.  I am just coming to learn that any perspective outside myself is a jaded one without all the information.  So there is no way the observation is entirely accurate.  This is me learning how to stand in my own truth.

I have heard it said many times that if something bothers you about something someone says to you, look within to find the reason.  I took that as I am wrong and they are right.  Which I am now seeing is not correct all the time.  Some of the time it indeed is, but some of the time it is actually the opposite.  The opinion that bothers me is the one that I am needing to learn to stand up too.

I am not talking about huge hurtful comments here, I am just making reference to two separate opinions by two totally different women about two completely different topics that both had me pegged inaccurately.  Simple comments but none the less the lesson was not lost on me.  I am slowly learning what my truths are through the comments of others.  I am learning to identify the inner naggings that follow interactions with others that just don't feel right.  I am learning to follow my own light instead of being mindlessly lead by another.

I am seeing how much I am becoming my own person.  How much stronger I am getting in my own confidence not to accept other peoples realities as my own.  I am creating my own reality and I am loving it.  My reality is way more imaginative and enjoyable and for that I am coming to love my life.

I normally don`t post first thing in the morning like this, however I really needed to fire this one off before it got lost in the depth of my over worked mind.  I do have another post thats much more spiritual and I am not sure how it would be received here that I would like to write later tonight, but we will see what spirit has to say about that today.  Have a great day folks!  Stand in the truth of who you are and know that not every comment made by the people you respect are accurate.  Go within for that answer.

A Broken Dis-eased Girl

99.  Double digits.  I used to believe that there was such a deep sign in seeing double or triple digits around.  If I seen quads like 11:11 I would feel a deep twinge in my guts that it was a huge message for me.  That was until Badboy number 2 took my fun game to an extreme and made it something obsessive and gross.  99 posts today, that's why I started off with the number thing... although the number thing was brought back to my attention yesterday as I was driving to another city to get my baby girl from her dads.  Haunted by the boy and the digits everywhere I looked.

I am a mess today.  I want to get all melodramatic and say I am on the verge of a relapse.  But I am not.  Or maybe now that I am really clean it's a nervous break down I am going to have.  I am sure it's not.  I just feel like my head is a tiny bingo wheel and all the balls are bouncing around in there just waiting to be plucked and called out for everyone to scan and see if that thought is a winner for them.  My thoughts are not gonna win anyone anything today though... I am crazy.

The insanity of my disease has been cycling through my world the past couple of days as I am informed of the insanity of my ex fiance's disease.  Funny how when I am loving up on one of my three badboys they take on a different image.  I never acknowledge that badboy number two and I were slotted to get married.  It's something I like to forget because it was a symptom of my disease.  However we were together for a few months and truly I did find unconditional love through him.  I did so well with that unconditional love that I was able to let him go and let God take care of him.  Accept I don't know if God did take care of him.

I am sitting in some shit today in a few different piles of it actually.  I feel like the world is challenging my every turn this past couple of months.  With each challenge I come through I feel more humbled and confident at the same time, however I also become more afraid one of these times I am not going to over come the challenge presented.  That where I am at today.

With my youngest daughter now home, my little physical world looks like a bomb exploded in her living room.  I do not do well with physical chaos in my living space.  Prior to the bomb hitting my home, it hit my purse with new school clothes, leaving me feeling anxiety riddled.... I am a saver.  Those two things alone are changes that will have me a bit rattled on good days.  Add in the five hour drive stuck in my head about the insanity of my disease.... which I will get to in a moment and then to come home to a smack in memory using lane.

My oldest daughter and her boyfriend were at my house waiting to hit up the club scene, when I got home.... I was hungry, angry, lonely and tired.   In an instant I was taken back to the party house we all lived at together and the lowest point of my using.  I jumped right into drug talk.  I was triggered and felt like I was sinking fast.  Such a horrible feeling to be there.  Even worse feeling to know that I cannot avoid them any longer.  I have been for months.  These are the two people that I cannot cut out of my new world and must learn to rise above.  That was the true challenge last night and I think I failed at it.

In a more positive note I do know that the awareness is a hard earned reward and one for which brings too much humiliation to ignore for the next time I am in that situation.  I must must must not allow myself to get to H.A.L.T.   or that when I do.... I scream the words stop in my inner mind and zip my lips instead of fire off my cool old lady gangster i am da' bomb verbal diarrhea.

So lets get to why I was in my head for five hours about the insanity of my disease because that's really what the main issue is here.  Ugh.  I don't even know how to begin or even if I want to go here.  These are the things I am so sick of patterning around, but I cannot ignore the blaring truth of my disease when it smacks me in the face as it has this week.  I also hesitate because I am not into gossiping and that's kinda what this will feel like, however I cannot think of any other way to share my part in something without including part of their situations.  As always I never use names and for that I will stick to my story teller persona and asked that this be received in like fashion.

.... Once there was this girl who was broken.   There were no form of mirrors for her to reflect upon in her dark little world, so she had no idea she was broken.  Her existence was a separated one, living in a selfish realm she found her only comfort in fixing other people.  Her speciality... beautifully broken boys, masked as the infamous bad boy.

Her first victim a dark shaggy haired ex hockey player gone rogue.  Captive in a drug house she free'd him and nursed him back to health.  Such a successful triumphant heart she had.  He shined up like a new penny.  She was fixed and felt complete.  ... Oh I mean he was fixed and ready for the world.  All was well.  She lived in this world but a mere couple months, a world of love and glowing embers.  ........That is until she found her new little prized trophy had gone back to the love of HIS life.........  Her illusion shattered.  In the moment she seen them together time stood still.   She drove off in a haze of rage, moments lapsed and her car was pointed at the pole with the big C sign on it in a deserted parking lot.  Autopilot pounded her foot on the gas peddle. Nothing in her mind but the searing burn ripping through her chest.  Ending the pain was her only focus.    As a low deep primal howl pleaded from the back seat she was so annoyingly reminded of the great big black elk hound she had just picked up as a gift for her lover.  Clarity in that moment brought both feet onto the brake peddle with but an inch to spare.

A hysterical call to a friend brought her to the awareness maybe it was time to deal with her sickness.

Off to Narcotics Anonymous she dragged herself on the advice of her friend.  Believing that the drugs made her brain all crazy like this.  She would learn through the twelve steps that drugs were but the symptom of a much deeper issue.  But for now.....It took a few months of false attempts and weak starts to actually jump off the platform in to the waters of healing.  When she did it was only a matter of days before she found her new shiny toy.

He was so put together and polished.  He had nice clothes, the perfect shoes.... she really has a thing for shoes... he had cool piercings and hot tattoo's.  And this one was already clean!  The first time she seen him she thought she had just seen divinity in the body of an older man.  Poor girl had no idea that the devil packages things is flashy boxes to get your attention.   It was not long before her new conquest was proposing to her and sweeping her off her feet to new lands... the knight in shining armour that he was......

Wait!  Scratch the dvd here and rewind.  Narrator interjects.....  The sweet little girl is back in her delusional disease again, the real story goes more like this....   After but a couple months she begs good NA  boy to get her an innocent little pinner to calm her nerves.  Its acceptable right, maintenance right?  It's better then jib right?  The drug she lead him to believe was really her kryptonite.  Which sorry to say folks wasn't it was and always has been the innocent little leafy plant. she can do the harder stuff and it doesnt get her nearly as much as the softer easier stuff does... can't explain why, but its the truth.   Truly, however as you are learning even that is'nt the real manifestation of her disease.  So with ganga back in her brain she convinced good boy it was time to run away, she was done with this good girl shit.

He felt he loved her and followed her, surely knowing this would end badly but not wanting to lose the prize he was also trying to fix.   Oh how likes attract likes.   In their glow they fell into a sick love and stayed blissed out for all of three months before the train hit a wall.   Packing a suitcase and waking her beautiful daughter they boarded a midnight bus back home.  Starting over once again.

Off she dragged herself back to NA humiliated.   Trying to get back on her feet she had a few more slips as shiny polished boy kept popping up at the most inopportune times to claim her love.  Both falling victims to their perspective drugs of choice, neither one able to fix and save the other.  Finally after enough pain she slammed the door once and for all on the sick obsession they both shared.... each other.

Finding freedom our little self centered girl began to grow and experience real recovery.  Putting her self back together and building her life was her main focus for a good solid six months.  It took a few months to let go of her polished boy even after slamming the door, but before her next victim she did experience a profound freedom in fixing herself instead of others.  She grew by leaps and bounds and some days didn't even recognize herself now that she lived in a world with mirrors.  She was learning to love her new world of light and connection.

Thats why she had to destroy it before it got to good.  In enters distraction number three.

He had been energetically calling to her for months.  He sat across from her at the meeting she came back after the midnight bus home.  As she cried and let out the pain of her humiliation, he cradled her with his gaze.  Through the next year they watched each other stumble and fall, holding each other from a distance.  ....Wait!!  Scratch the fucking dvd again... crazy bitch you are so delusional.  You wanted to get laid and you knew he was easy.... fuck girl get honest!!

Okay, Okay!!  So she wanted to mess up her perfect little good girl world with a romp in the darkness and your right she knew he would be a wild ride.  So she jumped on with no reservations.... she wanted a thrill.   And thrill is what she got, but not even close to the form she expected it to take.  Funny how stories seem to take on a life of there own even to the author.  This ride which she thought was going to be a fun roller coaster ended up being a haunted house with the drop of doom as the grand finally.  Nothing but pain came out of that interaction.

End of story.




Or so she wishes.   In the moment of insanity where she chose bad boy number three she made such a mess of her building existence that she was once again brought to her knee's of humility but this time not from dope but from the more devastating manifestation or acting out of her self centered separated sickness.... fucking with the broken boy.

...........You see this week it's all been brought up for me to deal with the repercussions of my actions.  The most recent bad boy got loaded and is behind bars again, from the information I have received.  My shiny polished boy just crawled back skinny and broken into the rooms.  And the original bad boy is so happily in love with his girl and still has the job he got when I fixed him.

All of this information flooded my world in the past seven days.  My heart aches at my part in all of these mens drama's.  I am glad badboy number one is happy, truly I am.... but I wanted him happy with me.  I am sick that polished man is crawling back broken after an innocent joint lead him back out two years ago... don't get me wrong I am really happy he made it back.  And I am even more sick that badboy number three is institutionalized.  He was in relapse mode way before I came in the picture, but I had a part to play in quickening his journey.

The shit piles I must sit in today is the understanding that I am a selfish little girl who at the expense of others always gets what she wants.  I can see fully that my inner world is directly related to my other world and I am not separate from anyone else.  We are all connected in love and sickness.  In choosing the sickness, the darker avenue I have effected people in a negative way.  My lesson to learn is that by choosing love I can effect people in a positive way.  When I heard bad boy number one is doing really well and is happy, I realize even though I didn't get what i wanted out of that situation it was something I did do in love, I was not far gone in addiction or pain yet.  I really did just want to help him, it was my illusion that seen us together as more.  But the truth of the other two is that I cannot fix anyone.  They have to want to fix themselves.  As much as I want to reach out to bad boy number two it will only make things worse for him.  My true unconditional love for him, tells me to stay far away from him.

My course of action must be to keep walking forward and deal with my own challenges of my daughters.  Building my life and moving into the unknown future that is only mine to live.  It is truly time for me to let go of the self defeating pattern of trying to fix the broken boys in order to fix myself.  I need to get honest and fix myself instead.