I am learning that what we put focus on grows sometimes to extraordinary levels. Things that are new in my world are exaggerated beyond measure. The inner critic swoops in at these times and makes a mess of my blissful play ground. That voice that tells you that your doing it wrong. That your not worthy of this new path. The inner whispers that feed off your doubt and question your every step in a new direction.
No wonder many people stay doing the same things for their entire lives. Everywhere we read how blissful change is. Yet we don't read nearly as much what one needs to go through in order to incorporate that change. Self esteem is lacking, change is challenging. Eradicating that inner critic is a no choice must.
But that is a side note and not for the topic I wish to pursue.
Feelings are new in my reality. Feelings are being exaggerated and over stimulated. I feel like this huge ball of feeling tentacles that are being constantly zapped with energy. I feel feeling fried. I didn't even know what anxiety was to me until a bout a month ago and now I can recognize it almost every day cursing through my veins. What came first the chicken or the egg? Power of suggestion working it's magic or just a new truth about who I am. I have some issue's with anxiety. I worry about everything.
Have I been doing my meditations? Nope. Why is that? Oh I am sure its the inner critic that has me balking at this new life and how good it can get. Make it harder she trains me to believe because I am not worth the good it can get. Self esteem. I came nose to nose with a moose the other morning at work. Never seen one up close before. Rushed home pulled my medicine cards, moose means..... Self esteem.. Self sabotage is what I am doing.
Or am I just taking a break from a way in which I control my emotions to learn to love them into the light instead?
Frustration when things don't go my way. Learning how to hand that over to my subconscious, my higher power. That part of myself has become amazingly apparent in my reality recently as well. Subconscious/greater than conscious/higher power. I give her a memory and ask her to take it. I help her put the memory on paper, crumple it up and throw it into the trash. Feelings attached to said memory... puff, gone. No longer available to draw upon at all. Amazing stuff this Alchemy Trance course is.
Where are all my good feelings? In a cycle right now. We are always in cycle. This one is a shadow one for me. Does that mean I need to be miserable? No, not all the time. I do feel miserable a lot of the time though. Just in this cycle. Learning what needs to be changed in my world through these not so positive feelings. Learning how to love these feelings and accept them as part of who I am. Acceptance is something these feelings have never had from me. Just distraction and ultimate avoidance. Or just expression in unhealthy and even healthy forms, but never just acceptance.
Bringing that dark to the light. That is the path I have invoked for myself this upcoming year. Marrying my shadow with my light. Embracing that dark side of myself and accepting it as part of myself. Finding balance in between the two instead of constantly swinging the pendulum. I cannot be all good all the time. I cannot be all bad all of the time. I have tried both ways and sustained them each for several years. To painful.
Walking through my feelings. Into a new phase of my life. Everything is new and grossly uncomfortable.
But a deep knowing that this will lead to blessings unknown to me yet. Clearing some of the shit I have refused to face in my life. Walking through the emotions I have ran from my entire life. And getting comfortable with embracing both sides of myself.
Safe and secure. It is time.
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