Caio Bella, This 'B' is Out!

Full Moon In Gemini is Upon us. The End of the Year is rounding the corner. It is definitely time to clear out the old and make way for the New. As a Practicing Wiccan I get the benefit of having already started my inner clearing back at Halloween time. So for me it's time to take a look at what is being communicated to me and how I am expressing myself. (Moon in Gemini)

Seems very fitting that I am forced into a new path here in my blog. Seems I can only access my posts to write through HTML and no longer Compose. The latter version of entry is much simpler then this way. I need to find codes for paragraph breaks and others things I am about to learn(like no spell check!!). This is an example of moon in Gemini. The twins force us to look at new forms of communication.

Beyond the minor(major for my inner minds village of crazies)technical difficulty the full moon is also bringing up some other stuff for me. I find my dreams are centering on people from my past that influenced some pretty negative path choices. I am also feeling the uncomfortable realization on how much I rely on outside stimuli for my state of happiness.

Light is being shed on the truest fact that in the past I have been a floater. I have been easily swayed by the slightest nudge in whatever direction I was moved in. By whatever caught my fancy in that moment.

Let me broaden those last three statements. Past influences coming back to haunt me. Understanding I have been living through my Ego. I have been easily Lead by others. Writing those out shows me that the last two points are actually the same point just a different perspective. So I will focus on just the first two I guess.

I have been dreaming about a couple of friends lately that I have had in the past that I traveled down dark roads with. I have had a few also resurface in my peripheral vision as well. I am feeling really uncomfortable with these visitations. Just having these people near me brings me back to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. It's these type of people that I am so easily lead by.... Oh look at that! Looks like all three points tie into one another... huh.*Shrugs shoulders*

This is why I write, for my own revelations. Moon in Gemini also brings many Aha moments.

None of these people that are surfacing are demanding my attention. It's not a matter of having to face a situation head on, but more of an awareness just for me. Seeing now that the true learning is in the understanding of how easily I have been lead in the past and how much I derive my inner well being from the acceptance of people/things outside myself.

The past few weeks I have been in funk. Feeling really shitty actually. I couldn't really put my finger on it until recently. Yesterday grocery shopping I ran into an old male, let me interject here, a hot male acquaintance. I felt this guy notice me before I noticed him. I could feel someone looking at me, you know that gentle tingle you get when someone is trying to get your attention? I turned to see this guy staring at me. I smiled, said 'hi' and respectively turned back to what I was doing. But I could feel him watching me for the next several minutes as we were both going through checkout lines.

That was all the interaction we had but I could tell he was checking me out in a much more sexual way. That thought made my entire day. ....and night but I won't go there. lol This morning as I thought of it again I suddenly realized that I felt happy again. Very quickly followed the realization that I am still seeking my happiness outside myself. I am still depending on others for my inner state. I am still allowing myself to be lead.

Moving away from groups that influence me has been a tough move even if it has opened my awareness. Awareness has to move into acceptance, where I am embarking into now. Then I need to move into action, that's the tough part. It means I need to learn new ways to bring my own happiness. I need to learn healthy ways to bring me happiness.

I have ranted this entire blog how I have become addicted to all the ways I have found happiness myself. Food/Sex/drugs/romantic partners. I have yet to begin to dig into the ways in which I must seek now. What my dreams have been telling me and what my higher power has been flashing me is all the other ways in which I have also depended on people for my happiness too.

Losing weight brought about a tremendous amount of notice from the people around me. Everyone I came in contact with made comments about my weight loss. I thrived on that. When I quit dope, to surrender and come back meant lots of notice, reinforcement and extra love. I thrived on that. I have cycled the weight loss euphoria twice and the drug relapse a few more counts then that. I can see why now. It feels good to be noticed. It feels good to have people make comments like that to me.

I think this is why many people chronically relapse, or why people gain back their weight only to lose it again.

Why did I love my job so much at the weight loss clinic? Because my clients told me daily how awesome I was, I received countless gifts for my services. I was sucking mountains of happiness out of those kick backs. Today where am I getting that kind of feedback? I struggle through my job. The only feedback I get is when something needs to be fixed or corrected. Then I know I have done something wrong, no news is good news in my line of work. But for my little mind I need positive reinforcement..... constantly. Terribly depressing.

So all this wonderful information popping behind my eye balls, what do I do with it? How do I derive this same kind of excitement and happiness from my own comments to myself and from my own sexual stares??? How do I turn myself on?

That will be for another post because I am tired of writing. I am bored with this post. I am just plain cranky now. And I know the answer, I just wanna stew in the last remains of my ignorance.

Trudging the Happy road to destiny. Ciao Bella's