Are you Ready to Wake Up?

Falling back asleep is a real threat to me today.

You might have to bare with me this post as I work through some knowledge that is just budding as understanding.  Defining when I am asleep and when I am awake is where my mind has been most active today.

My blog is about Ascension.  Waking up to the reality or truth of who I AM.  Yet it feels like I am falling asleep more then I am waking up.  I guess defining what it even means to be asleep or awake is where I should start huh?

When I speak about waking up, it's metaphorically of course.  To be awake is to be deeply aware of who you are and to stand in that truth.  To be awake is to be moving forward on your personal growth.

To be asleep is to be living life by other peoples dictations.  To live on auto pilot.  To follow the crowd absentmindedly because it doesn't matter to you.  One is asleep if they lack energy to follow their passions.  Asleep people sometimes are in such a deep coma that they don't even know what there passions are, they are in denial of being asleep.  Asleep people sometimes convince themselves they are happy and this is the life they want.  I think some people are not even meant to wake up this lifetime, or right now and that's okay.  To be asleep is ignorant bliss and there are many days I would like to be there again.... hence my constant threat of willing myself back to sleep.

I don't know how you tell if your asleep or not.  I know for me I just felt like I was not living up to my full potential.  I felt that there was just way more to life then what I was experiencing.  I knew in my heart I was not fully happy and satisfied but I had no idea how to get to that happy.  I followed all society's rules and guidance and felt worse and worse, like I was a leper and didn't fit in.  I had these secret dreams and passions that I just couldn't seem to tell people about, let alone pursue.

It wasn't until I began peeling away what didn't feel right and began following what felt good that I began to awake.  I swung the pendulum to far to the feel good side and ended in addiction because of it, but I wonder sometimes if that wasn't part of my Ascension journey.  Can't fully embrace the light without understanding its counter balance, darkness. But I digress....

I am just learning to identify what keeps me asleep.  Taking this hypnotherapy course is already starting to ding some bells in my little brain.  Societal hypnosis is a very real thing.  To follow the masses is almost like a drug that we become all to comfortable buying into.  I will get back to this though.

I always knew that food was a sleeping agent for me.  When I overeat, or eat lots of starches and sugars, I begin to fall into a hypnotic state of mind.  I become to tired to do anything, let alone actively pursue my passions.  Food induces a coma for me.  I just want to sit, watch TV and eat.  Weed induced that same coma state.  I am reading lots on the chemicals put in our drinking water, into our coffee's and all matter of sorts in our foods.  These toxins keep us doped up and unable to move into the truth's of ourselves.

Why is that so?  I remember when my son was very ill when he was a toddler.  He called for me in his delirious state and when I went to him, I felt chills run through my body upon looking into his eyes.  They were pure black and completely void of him.  It was like he was just a functioning body with no soul in there.  It was so unnerving that I called my mentor to talk it out.  Her being a holistic healer explained to me how the soul leaves the body when it's in danger.  Being harmed and being very sick, the soul checks out.  Right now we are very sick people, putting rat poisons and other toxins in our bodies on a daily basis's.

How can you be awake when your soul can't stomach the harm your doing to yourself?

I am starting to realize how much the collective consciousness actually keeps me asleep as well.  I have said it a million times, you become like the five closest people to you.  This is an example of this.  What you associate with is the energy you will embody.  People that are asleep will work hard to keep you asleep, not that they will be aware of it, but it's an energetic reality.  But what about the media?

Media... what you watch, what you fill your mind with is as equally toxic as what you put into your body through your mouth.  I am sure we are all aware of this by now.  I learned on a deeper level when i lost all my weight how true this is for the community as a whole.

I was treated way differently as a 'skinny' person then I was as  big lady.  Even though I didn't buy into the stereo type of woman's barbie bodies I realized that the majority of people around me did.  It became increasingly difficult not to get caught up in the flow of the actions around me.  It felt good.  Today however I have settled down to that reality and am kinda disgusted with the way media leads us like cattle through the streets.

When we buy in to media we connect to a collective thought and it is through that thought that we are hypnotized.  I am not saying all media is like this, but much of it out there is meant to keep you in a trance and dancing like a government controlled puppet.

It's much much easier to follow the masses when you have no idea who you are.  When we came into the world we were connected to our souls and knew who we were.  We were not afraid to ask for what we needed and made our presence known to the people around us.  Where along the line do we fall asleep?  Do we all fall asleep or do some of us maintain our awakened state?  These people that maintain it, are they confused about this movement of awakening?  Does trauma cause our souls to abandon ship?  Is awakening for the broken person a soul retrieval?  Can someone who has not experienced trauma still push their souls away by media following alone, by toxic ingestion alone?

Why do people choose to stay asleep or when they wake up, why do they so quickly put themselves back in slumber?  This is where I am at now.  It seems so much easier just to give in to my desire to do nothing and sleep.  To just float along in life and give nothing more then my 10 percent and get my 20 back.  It seems so much more acceptable to watch breaking bad and joke about the mayor that smoked crack.  No one faults me for eating that chocolate cake the other day, they actually laugh and share their over eating stories with me, welcoming me to the 'club'.  Such a connection I have to the world around me when I stay asleep.

That's not what I want however.  I want a connection to my soul.  I want to become all that I can be and live my dreams.  I want to feel a state of internal bliss everyday of my life.  I want to experience real love, cosmic love.  I want to create a reality so grand that even I am amazed everyday I wake up.  Does this all sound far fetched to you?  Unachievable?

Wells it's not.  I have experienced all of that and more.  The issue is that I have yet to experience it all, all of the time.  I have had tastes of it here and there.  I remember for a solid year bouncing out of bed, unbelieving that I was getting paid to do a job I loved so much that it didn't even feel like work.  During a meditation once I had a full body orgasm that I can't even begin to describe.  I have been on stage in front of 700 people sharing my story and motivating them.  I have done all those things in the above paragraph.  I just have yet to maintain it.  Because I always fall back asleep...

The culprit.... Sex, men and romance.  It's always my demise.  The world tells me I am nothing without a man.  The only people telling me otherwise are older women without men in their lives.  I always fall back under the hypnotic trance when I listen to songs like 'Guerrilla' over and over again on the top forty station I love.  After a few weeks of hearing a particular trance inducing song, my mind starts to form thoughts and actions soon follow.  This goes back to when our parents told us not to listen to the devils music.  They were on to something, they new the hypnotic trance it puts us under, what it feeds is our subconscious mind.  The weak, insecure mind feeds off this power and asleep she goes.   Asleep I go.....

Well awareness is key right??  I wont let myself fall asleep this time.  I am about to embark on my dreams for the very real time, this time.  I need to 'work' at keeping myself awake.  I have to push through the uncomfortable bubble into my truth and stand up in that.  A christian song today reminded me to Give it to God.... THEN walk in it.  It's time to woMAN up!!

By Breath of Fire & Mists of Air

"Energy is our choice to direct, and our discipline to obtain"

That was a line from my last post.  It was not my line.  I didn't read that line anywhere.  It came from some where deeper I think.  I have chewed it over lots this week as my energy continued to drain and I was finding myself getting to the angry part of H.A.L.T.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely , Tired....... in case you missed last weeks read.   Even in my awareness I was unable to stop the cycle of halt this week.

Last night as I was unwinding on my deck, the thought of breath work kept creeping into my mind.  I realized yet again on a new layer of the onion peel that I have not been breathing.  When I get busy at work, or stressed with life, my breath is shallow and quick.  So I took a few deep breaths that turned into many deep deep breaths and instantly I was beginning to feel better, peaceful.

Then I was reminded of how I have been here before.  I have a post I wrote like six months ago about the importance of breath work in our daily lives.  Looks like I need to revisit my own words of wisdom, yet again.  So here is that post cut and copied....

Ya, I am cheating today.  I am too fucking tired to conjure up a witty read....so plagiarizing my own writings is the non noble path I choose to walk in my self created drama this fine Sunday in May.  Love you all and Happy reading!

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Yogi Brent is who I wake up with in the morning.    This is my daily program for connecting body, mind and Spirit.   I do not spend much time anymore between my alarm going off and my morning guided breathing mediation.

 That time space of pure relaxation.   The void between my spiritual world of slumber and my physical existence.  This is often the time destroyed by my ego's need fill the peace with thoughts of dread and chastisings over my day yesterday or the day ahead of me.  It is during this critical time that my whole days attitude is forged.  I do not sit here long enough for my Ego to fuck with that.

Eye's still half closed I crawl to the bottom of my king size bed and open my laptop that lives on the corner of my massive bed.  I tune in to my Favorite YouTube video by yogi Brent, Kundalini Energizer Breath series.  I then precede to bring conscious breath into my body for 25 minutes.  Some days I feel a lack of energy to stay focused and other days I nail the meditation.  No matter how I feel beginning or during the meditation, by the end of it, I feel ready to bounce through my day in love and gratitude.




History for me shows that when I do a breathing meditation daily my life climbs these massive mountain with little ease.  I remember several years ago.. 2006.  I began a Fire breath meditation.  I had no understanding of what I was doing, I just liked the way it made me feel.  I did the 30 minute breathing routine everyday faithfully for a good six months.  During the time of this daily practice, I wrote some goals I wanted to achieve for my life. ... Getting a better paying job, losing weight, quitting smoking....... Looking back now, all of those goals were not only achieved,  but exceeded my wildest expectations.

Today I can already feel the shift in my reality.

As within, So without.

I have been doing some research this time as to why this form of meditation is so effective.  I have learned that I hold my breath in times of stress.  I have learned that my Ego was creating a continual world of fight or flight for me.  In a place of mild panic and acceptable go, go,go.....   Our bodies and spirits are not meant to sustain that state 24/7.  I was holding my breath.

 Did you know that Breath is the one thing we cannot live without for any amount of time?  We can starve ourselves to death.  We can dehydrate ourselves and most of us are.  We can harm ourselves in all the ways we want to, but we can not choose to stop breathing, we cannot force ourselves to stop breathing.

Breath is Prana.  Prana is Life force.

You cannot kill the source directly.  You cannot take your own breath.  That life force is always with you, no matter how much you turn your back on it.  So my take on that now is if you can't live without it, then you might as well make it work to your advantage.  I have learned that breathing serves so many functions other then to just give you oxygen.

Did you know you use 18 muscles when you breath?  10 coming in, 8 going out, deep breathing tones your abs!!  Oxygen increases the function of your circulation.  This means your heart and your blood that keep you alive and keep love flowing throughout you is detoxed.  No wonder I was having circulation issues, which by the way are all gone now.  You could not speak without breath.  To find your voice and stand in your truth, you need deep healthy breath.  Breathing increases your metabolism and helps eliminate waste, again with the weight loss and toxic release.   But most of all for me breath helps me ground and center.  Breath is the way I connect with divine Spirit. Life force.  The source.

If you have breath issues, illness's or challenges with breathing.... you have complications with your connection to your divine self.

When my body is healthy within then my life reflects that without.  That's the as within, so without.  The Wiccans say...... As above, so below.   Life force enters our body from the heavens and flows to the earth and then returns from the earth and shoots into the heavens, connecting us to the Christ consciousness.   It is through breath that I connect to my higher power and the divine.  It's the physical, in my body, step that I take to shush.. my mind and welcome in spirit.

During Yogi Brents Video he leads us through a few chants that I would like to explain here.  I have had to do some research on this as I am trying to be more aware of my spiritual practices.  In my past I have invoked some nasty dark stuff that I wish to steer clear of this time around.

First, the hand position he asks us to hold is the Guyan Mudra. Thats where you touch the thumb and the index finger together with palms facing up.  When you connect your fingers in this way it signals to your mind and spirit an ancient trigger, imparting receptivity and calm.  There are many Mudra's you can use in everyday life that help you overcome ever day challenges.  When I do this meditation regularly and I get stressed at work I remember to take a deep breath and touch my fingers together in this fashion and its almost instant, my frustration or anxiety melts away into nothing.

 The Second Two things are the Mantra's he uses.  A mantra in this situation is a statement that he repeats. The first one at the beginning calls Upon Divine wisdom.  "OM Namo Guru Dev Namo".   We repeat this three times in the meditation, during the day if I need to call on Divine help I repeat this mantra and it brings me into alignment with the powers that be.   The second one at the the end Means 'Truth'.  "Satnam".

 To compliment the physical connection through conscious breath to the Divine Source, the mantra's and mudra's use your mind to invoke Spirit.

This is how I start my day now.  I cannot even begin to share with you how much my inner thoughts and emotions have shifted because of this.  Knowing my history of this has even catapulted the effects.  I have changed around the rooms in my home to increase air circulation and find that my physical energy has also sky rocketed.  Powerful stuff.

I am so abundantly grateful today.  I am so ridiculously happy today.  I am dreamily in love with my girls, my friends and my family today.  I am eager to work, for a living and on my life mission today.  I am ready to fully participate in life.   I am even getting comfortable with the idea of walking through my feelings... but just a little bit!  Life is good folks as I learn to accept my light, as well as not be afraid of the shadow that creates.

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Well there you have it.  Such a fabulous energy I was in then.

Not that I am in a yucky place today, just tired.  I haven't done this meditation in months. I have let the discipline of obtaining good energy slip, falling back on old habits of using people, sex and drugs to fill me up instead.

 I hate routine but know that when I get comfortable with a discipline for obtaining energy, my life shifts dramatically.  When I did this breath exercise this morning I could barely hold my peace.  I could barely get through a breathing exercise but I still played the tape till the end and I was right I feel better.  Time to get back to some conscious breath work...

 I am tired of suffering and choose to participate in actions that fill me with peace and happiness.  This is one of those disciplined actions that will take me to that peace.

Thank you for reading.  Have a fabulous day!!

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of the Healing....

http://recoverpower.blogspot.ca/2014/09/building-on-foundation-of-now.html

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H.A.L.T: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

I am always going on about Self care.  Naturally, this is another post about that.

Learning, relearning and peeling away new layers of the self care onion is obviously an ongoing experience for me.  I have posted in the past, in depth, all the ways we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy.  Today I am not only having to revisit them, I am seeing how pushing myself at work is a sore spot in my self care regime.

Workaholism is another form of addiction.  A way to distract ourselves from life and our potentials.  It is such a honored and worthy form of addiction in the society that I live in.  Too have a job and work twelve hour days and to be tanned and toned and feel like I am a productive member of society is way too prided in my world.  Today I feel the effects of this as I struggle to post here in my weekly favored fashion.  I have given up my passion for society acceptance.

Well that's one layer of the onion and not the entire truth.  I love working hard, it makes me feel good inside.  I love being outside.  I like having tanned skin and don't buy into the cancer bullshit.  I completely adore my body for the ability she has to rip circles around the 19 year old young bloods.  My job gives me moral satisfaction when I can pay my bills, enjoy life's pleasures and save for something that brings me joy.

Its not my job or society that is the issue in my self care at the moment.  It's my inability to see when I go to far.  I am learning that when I get tired I begin the stinking thinking process.  Energy is a funny thing that I am just learning how to manage.  When all my energy goes into work, my self care begins to suffer as I have no energy for it.  When I am in obsession with a guy, my entire life suffers because I have no energy to focus anywhere but on my all consuming obsession.  Energy is our choice to direct, and our discipline to obtain.

I am out of energy right now.  I used it all to get through my six day work week.  72 hours I worked this week.  I am drained.  I cant think about staying clean.  I cant think about eating properly.  I cant think about meditating.  I just wanna quick fix.   I want to get high.  I want to get drunk.  I want to get laid.  Those take no thought.  Those are natural and easy paths for me to assume instant gratification and give me a boost of momentary energy.  Like sugar gives you a jolt.

I am getting sMrT though.  I realize that as with sugar all my instant vices will leave me feeling more drained shortly after the glorious jolt.  Better then, to take the time I need to recharge my batteries the proper way.  For me that is spending time alone.  I need to be away from people that want to share energy with me.  I have none to give right now and I do not wish to draw off theirs.  I need to reconnect with my higher power through a good deep session of meditation.

I spent the evening in a luxurious bath.  I deep conditioned my poor dry dirty broken hair.  I masked my face to replenish my skin from the harsh wind and sun of the week.  I sat in oatmeal water to re-hydrate my skin and then spent loving time applying my favorite body cream.  Then I slipped between my Egyptian cotton sheets and crashed hard for the night.

That is the physical side of my self care.  Now today I need to focus on my mental and emotional side.  My daughters are both gone.  My youngest, I think is at a sleep over(poor parenting due to lack of energy) and my oldest at her fathers.  This is perfect recharge time when I have the house to myself.  I already did my laundry... much needed when the jeans you wear daily are no longer blue but a deep gray color.  I am writing here as it fills me with joy.  I am about to take out my stinking garbage.  And then it will be me and my favorite movie 'Eat, Pray, Love'.  After that I will do as my spirit requests.  I owe her this time as I have dictated and controlled six days of this seven day week.

So here is to H.A.L.T.  I am no longer hungry as I am feeding my body well today.  I am also feeding my spirit and recharging the energy I need.  I am not angry, this is always the last step of halt for me, when I get to angry I am in serious trouble.  Lonely is the reason why I am reconnecting with my higher power.  It is the process of being in love with my entire being and being happy.  There is no loneliness when you are connected to your source.  And well tired will take a couple days to recharge and the whole reason for this post and my self care regime.

I am learning to identify the very first steps in my process of decline back into full blown addiction and loss of my life's focus.  Obsession is a nasty place to be and I am finally out of it.  I have no desire to go back there and I am willing to work that extra bit to make sure I am filling up with the light and not indulging Lady Vixen.
Thank you for reading my post and I wish you the best day of your life today, and everyday!!

Creating Thick Skin

Are you aware of what you allow into your inner bubble?  Your personal space?  Your heart?  Your reality?

I think I let my personal space bubble get too dirty.

Its stuck in my mind like a popcorn kernel gets stuck in my teeth, You must love yourself before you can love others.  ......Another piece of advice I am still chewing on, after what seems like years is, every thing You need you have within you.  Naturally, seek within before reaching outside yourself.   Are you able to set boundaries easily and keep them in order to achieve your own sense of well being? 

 Yes, this is all happening currently in one blink of a moment as the thoughts rush through my mind,  I rush to get them out here.

My teenage daughter sleeps on the couch after a night of participating in a 30 hour famine at her school to raise money for a water system for an impoverished town in some country that I know I should pay attention too, but haven't a clue of where.  I am bored.  I am so proud of her for participating that I want to keep the house peaceful for her, for a few hours at least.  It is too bloody cold outside to start planting on my balcony.

I am in an edgy mood today. 

 I am clean from dope and sugar for over a week now.  Yay, but not.  Feelings are equal again, no chocolate cake to swing the edgy mood into a moment of bliss.  I am aware of the overall positive difference in my body and mind though.  I am clearer and happier, with expanded focus on where I want to go in this jungle of life.  My body is already feeling a world better, eating clean food is the placebo that helps me feel better about myself.  

I am still however trying to float the romance boat and it still has that huge hole in the bottom of it.  That damn addict in me, lovingly named Lady Vixen,  doesn't want to rest until she succeeds.  I was already told once by one of my failed conquest attempts that this will be the death of me,  I am starting to think he was right.  This is why I ask the question what do you allow in your bubble? 

 I am an avid oracle card reader, when I have questions for my spirit guides I ask them to speak through my cards for clearer messages.  Hoakey or not its my way and it works.  I have many decks to choose from and depending on the type of question I have a related deck to answer it effectively.  In my edgy mood I asked for animal guidance and drew the Amarillo.   This animal represents Boundaries.  Setting up protection around myself and pushing forward letting the hurts bounce off me so that I can move beyond.  Makes sense only after letting that information absorb for a couple days and after writing this post in its entirety yesterday and editing it now.  

I wrote the bulk of this post yesterday before I had an opportunity to go to a potluck dinner that was being hosted by my 12 step fellowship.  I couldn't go.  I wanted to go.  I know my spirit was willing me to go.  Even my daughter wanted to go.  But I just couldn't.  I was not ready to face the people, my friends, that I walked away from months ago.  I didn't want to see my latest failed conquest.  I was not ready for the humility.  I still wanted to play in my anger and feel secluded.  I am still hurt and my bubble of raw feelings is not yet coated in protection yet.

Luckily for me the card went on to further include instructions on how to secure a stronger shield and focus for my over active mind.

 The deeper message is about setting intentions around what I wish to experience in my life.  The instructions I was given, were to draw a circle on a piece of paper.  Inside the circle write what I wish to realize and outside the circle the things I do not wish to experience in my world.   To re-align with a positive force normally I only focus on what I do want to create,  I only wrote the things I don't wish to experience so that I was able to see on paper what I am actually experiencing in the here and now.  Facilitating awareness and therefor acceptance.

A few of the things that I put on the outside of the bubble that I am experiencing right now:  Judgement, hate, dark stories(mine and others), situations and people that put me in my head, fear, arrogance,  victim patterns and the past looping itself in the present.  These are the things that addiction trigger for me, or I am triggered by these things and then I try to get out of the feelings through sugar and dope and the available penis.  I don't know what comes first the chicken or the egg, regardless however, this is where I am at.  Acceptance.

What I put inside my bubble: Love of Self and others, heart experiences, divine plans, Respect, intimacy, emotional connection, acceptance of self and others, refocus the fun in my landscaping job and the passion in my hypnotherapy business, strengthened family relationships, good physical and mental health.  For the inner bubble I drew on experience.  I had all these in balance and abundance last summer.  These are not foreign unreachable concepts for me. The whine for me on this is how the fuck did I lose my footing so much?  I feel like I fell down the entire set of steps.   Acceptance.  Don't get stuck.  Move into action.

This is where the question of self love pops up and when to share that and when it flips over to seeking it outside yourself to bring it back inside.  Knowing how it feels to tap that self love.  To feel like everything you need is within you and every experience you have is just a gift because what you feel inside is ten times greater then the hug you receive from the outside.  The power in the hug comes from the over flowing love you have for that person, the hug is the outlet you choose to express whats inside of you.  I know what it's like to feel complete peace in the face of someones judgment upon me, because my self love was strong enough for me to understand it's just an opinion they hold and I love them for having the courage to express it.  Thats what it means to find what you need from within.  To have full self love and not need to seek any sort of verification outside of yourself.  Fully self supporting.

I flipped out somewhere and now I am suspicious of the hug because I feel angry and edgy.  I am not tolerant of the advice of others because my insecurities and lack of self love have me questioning their motives.  I am clinging to incorrect people and situations right now because they are most comfortable to me.  Knowing that this state is not 'right', I push everyone away from me that can help me and are good for me. b I don't want to infect anyone or feel any more worse then I do.  I don't trust.  Reaching out becomes to hard and the isolation that an addict thrives in takes over. 

 I just want to question when and why I seek the power outside myself that I know I have within me.  Why is it that I turn the tables and begin seeking the romantic love to fill the void that I have already begun to fill with my own self love?  When do I turn from acceptance to judgement?  I want to say that its in the meditation and prayers or lack of them, but it's not, I never stop with those practices until the very end...and to be totally honest its when I smoke up that I am catapulted back into the spiritual experience I need to turn things around.... healthy or not it is what it is for me.

Denial is what just popped up in my cards as to the answer to why I am back at step One.  Not just denial that I have self care issues and addiction issues, but also denial of simple little things that add up and create a big thing.  Speaking my truth is the little denial that has lead to all the rest.  I still struggle hard with speaking about what I am feeling or thinking in the moment.  I will let a persistent nagging feeling that needs to be expressed with someone slide under the carpet of my mind where it molds and begins to stink.

.........These are resentments, I am now beginning to understand.  Little hurts that my non existent protective shield let in.  I have been told that I am too sensitive, I never understood that when it was spoken to me.  I think I am getting it now.......

After a few of these moldy unspoken words are pushed underneath my mind I begin to get a little toxic.  This is where I believe my self love and respect begin to slip out the back door.  If I am not going to love myself enough to speak up for my feelings when they are hurt, even just mildly, or if something is on my mind that I know needs to be said but worry about how the other person will respond,  how can I be showing myself respect?  If a friend came to me for advice that concerned putting her self care first I would be very vocal and encouraging to say what needs to be said or done in order to maintain her peace.

Why then is my peace less important?  Because.... I don't know how to set boundaries and keep them.  I also need to thicken my skin a bit.  Maybe some hurts are not mine to bear, learning to let them roll off my Amarillo shell may just be the simplest lesson here.  

It is when these hurts are left to fester that my mind begins to align with them and I slowly begin to buy into the hurt and things flip the other way.  Oh!!!   Wait.  The lights are flashing in my mind.  Awareness dawning.  The understanding of how important it is to first have the protective skin to deflect hurts that are not really directed at me but may have skimmed me anyways and to know how to voice the ones that do penetrate.  Speaking up about what hurts is the way to stop it before it festers.  

LoL.  Bing!  Bing! bing!  By George, I think she is got it!!

Man it takes me awhile to spin around in circles before I get dizzy enough for my mind to be able to accept a new understanding.  Okay so here is to thickening up my skin a bit and learning to speak my truth to keep my peace.  Man just writing that brings me anxiety at the challenges I am about to face in order to toughen up.  Goddess go easy on me, let me reaps the rewards instantly!

Make your Choice, Never Look Back

MAKE YOUR CHOICE NEVER LOOK BACK - November 2cd, 2009

During my morning run (I like to still say run even though after three months of not running I can barely keep a light jog pace for longer then 2 minutes, but it makes me feel better to say run) this morning, I gave some thought to my original purpose behind all of these changes. Some changes were out of my control, but some of the changes were my conscious choice. Some of my choices, created some of the unwanted changes, but in the end most of my situation has been created from the choices I made.

So why is it that we spend months, even years sometimes working up enough courage to make a change. And then once that change is in motion, and we start to feel the effects of that change, we panic and revert back to what we had before the change was made? When we are contemplating the change, the unknown is what draws us to make the change, and the fact we are obviously not satisfied with the way things are at the time. But once the change is made, the fear of the unknown becomes so paralyzing that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves and run back to what was comfortable. We conveniently forget what it was that made us unhappy enough to make the change in the first place.

While I was at my ex's yesterday, I was helping my kids with homework, cooking dinner, cleaning house and laughing and having fun with my babies. It felt so easy, so perfect. I started longing for what was. My old life. The support that lives there. The love from my kids that lives there. And the nourishment that lives there. How many people would it make happy, if I just threw my hands up in the air and said... 'hey, you know what, I made a mistake and I am going back'. My kids would be relieved for sure, my family would all smile knowing that the charming man was back in the family, and all of our friends would be much more comfortable knowing that fairytale love does still exist. Not to mention the courage it took me to admit my mistake and swallow my pride. A very noble idea to run back, hey?

It seems so easy.

Yet a small part of me dies on the inside when I think of returning to what was.

I am not in love with my ex. There is no romance there, no spark. We have nothing in common, other then three children. Yes he is an amazing man but he does not invoke any sort of passion with in me. You ever watch a movie where the girl should marry the wealthy, stable, good, dependable boy? But she longs so desperately for that poor farm boy who's eye's sparkle and when they are together they create magic so strong that it binds them to one another for eternity.... It's always the farm boy we cheer for in the movies, yet in real life we are much more comfortable when someone chooses the stable good man. Why is that? Are we so stability driven that we are willing to push our passions as far away from us as possible? I am tired of conforming to a marriage that no longer serves my personal growth and passions in life. I am sorry if that makes people feel uncomfortable, hell it makes me feel uncomfortable!

I am not saying I want to find my dream lover. What I am saying is that I want to be true to myself. I don't know what I am looking for right now. I have no big plans or goals, no hidden blueprints to take over the world. I know that I gave a lot of thought to leaving my marriage, and I spent years invested in making it the best marriage I could. But in the end my heart was saying it was time to move on. I trusted it, and I jumped both feet into what lies before me now. The entire world!! I made my choice and now it's time to stop looking back, and to move forward into my unknown future. To embrace the path my heart put me on, and trust that all will be perfect

The Line between Daughter and Friend

MY TEEN DAUGHTER, ME BEST FRIEND - October 30th,2009

I had a lot to think about today. Just when you think it may be over, it's not. More tears fell today, which I was pretty sure, I should be fresh out of now. And I could feel another thing slipping away from me. I thought I had nothing left to be taken, but I was wrong. My Teenage Daughter. I am not sure I can handle any more loss in my life but today I faced more. The possible loss of my teen daughter to move back home. Move home!!.. back to a city 4 hours away from me. And strangely enough, this is the one that I think hurts the most, out of all the things removed from my life recently. This is the one that brings instant tears to my eye's.

You see me and my daughter have a unique relationship. Her friends envy her relationship with me. People compliment me on my relationship with my teenage daughter. She is not only my kid, she is someone that I have raised for the past 16 years, but she is also my closest friend. When she was a baby, I was only 17. I had lost most of my friends and found myself lonely with no one to talk t0. My baby was there, so I talked to her. My ex was working two jobs and still living the bar scene life, so T and I bonded. All through her growing up she was the one I would talk out things with and get her advice on. It was her and I. When my ex and I had the next two kids, it was T and I that both raised those kids. She's more of a sister to me. Now that I am entering my toughest challenges life has ever thrown at me, they want to take her from me as well!!

I am sick, physically ill over the thought of not having my teen here by my side. I would be lost without her now... and She wants to move home. She wants to leave me. She hates me.

She cries about how much she hates it here. How much she misses home where she has friends. She feels Edmonton is the enemy of everything that has gone wrong in her personal life. I feel devastated that I am the cause of all her pain. She is angry at me for leaving her. Feels I have abandoned her motherly wise and she has lost me as a friend as well. She has not been able to make friends at the school here, do you remember high school and how tough it was with friends. She dreads going to school and skips most days. My ex has to fight with her to get her to go, which compounds the anger she has. My heart breaks for her, she hates her life. And outside school she does nothing but baby-sit her brother and sister. I can see why she hates it. Would you not hate it? Would you not be afraid and angry. I know I would hate it, and I also know what I probably would have done by now, had I been her.

But when I get the texts from her this morning, I talk a good talk and beg her to come home. Ignoring how much she hates it, I begin making promises of a better future, bribing her with hopes. Hopes that I cannot promise her, when my future is so uncertain. I can't give her back what she wants and I know that, but I promise it anyways. And when that wasn't working, I pulled the 'I can't live without you' card and cried a lot. So much so that my middle daughter had to rub my back and whisper in my ear that it was going to be okay. It became about me, out of desperation to hold on to the last few things I have in my life. So T caved and came back. I was so relieved when she txted that she was on the bus coming home. Everything is going to be ok now, right?

I am not so sure, it doesn't feel like it was going to be alright. The more I have been thinking about it. The more the emptiness grows in the pit of my stomach. Fear and panic grow. I feel out of control of my feelings and my tears blur my vision. I think that I may be holding on to something that is meant to be let go of. My life has been a series of letting go, maybe this is a part of that letting go. I have taken everything she knows away from her, how can I keep punishing her by keeping her here? I am sure some of you feel, letting go of my marriage wasn't smart. Some people I am sure think I was crazy for letting go of my perfect management career. But look at what that poor girl is going through here. She is miserable, so unbelievably unhappy here. I see her unhappy eye's and know that this is not healthy either, even if she is where she belongs. And a small part of me drowns every time I am near her and feel her pain.

In a long discussion she has agreed to stick it out until the end of the term and then if she still hates it still, she could move home. This after much talking and convincing. She wants to go now, she is just compromising because she knows her dad will drown without her as well. But her leaving has it's draw backs for her as well. Loss of cell phone and a, your on your own kid, kind of move. She plans on living with friends, maybe she will call her grandma. My heart breaks a little at the thought of that. But now I wonder what to do? I keep her here with her family and yes she is fed and safe. But she is miserable and dying on the inside. Or I let her runaway home which is 4 hours away. On her own with know way of us knowing where she is. But where she will be happy amongst her friends?

I am sure every mother is thinking that I am crazy to even contemplate an idea of letting her go, but really look at it. She is 16, by law they can go at will now and she may just end up running away on bad terms, which would be worse. She has become toxic to her brother and sister already, she is not really watching them when she is suppose to be. I don't want to lose her to drugs because she is so miserable here, that she needs them to cope. But letting her go is teaching her to run away from her problems. OMG! I am so lost and devastated. Everything is much too overwhelming for me.

I love my daughter with everything I have and if she moves I will not only lose my daughter I will lose my best friend and I will lose my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. This has got to be the lowest I have ever been in my life. And it just keeps getting darker. How many shades of black can I experience?

Life is but a Roller Coaster

Damn taking my own advice from four years ago is amazing!  This is another blast from my old old blog I found on the internet.  Today I have a great Job.  Taking a Hypnotherapy course.  Have both my daughters living with me.  And have a cat!  A few male friends but too focused on myself to get involved.  Today I am happy..... but It was a hell of a journey getting here.

LIFE IS BUT A ROLLER COASTER - October 30th,2009

Life is a Roller coaster when you sit back and think about it. Rarely does your life follow a smooth track like the little train at an amusement park, although I could wish for nothing greater at this moment. No, unfortunately life is a series of twists, turns and sudden drops. The twist and turns can be fun sometimes, the loop de'loops can send an adrenaline rush through you that can be exciting and very enjoyable. But, It's the sudden unexpected deadly drops that hit you without warning, that really freak me out. Those drops that leave your stomach somewhere over in that farmers field.

That was yesterday. Drop of F%^&ing Doom!!

As I sat there, with tears that kept flooding me whether I wanted them to or not. I let panic and fear take me fully. I allowed them to seep through every cell in me and dictate my thoughts and actions. I embraced the fact that I was unemployed, and I allowed it to scare the hell out of me. I stewed in the nasty leftovers of my marriage. I faced the fact that my kids were going to have to deal with this change on there own and in their own ways. As much as I want to protect them from all the ugliness of the world, I realized yesterday that I simply cannot. I allowed the raw emotions of my negative self to burst forth from of me, with no control over their final destination. I was fully present in the moment with all the demons of my past, present, and future, and I was scrooged.

Ever wake up after a day of hell and think... what was that?! What makes a day like that so horribly different from other days in your life? I woke up today and was so relieved that I felt human again, all I can do is feel a huge sense of relief that I made it through that day alive. It was a very tough one. But now I sit and contemplate the lesson from that day. I feel a strong sense of urgency to learn what information that day held for me, lest I have to repeat the lesson again in a few days... Because to be honest, I am not sure I would survive another one of those drops of doom right now.

The silver lining in my dark dismal day is the awareness that I do still have a lot of great things in my life to cherish and respect. Friends! The overwhelming support from friends was a shock to me. Up until now, whenever I have struggled with something in my life. I would withdraw from the people closest to me and keep my weakness's to myself. Yesterday showed me how incredibly retarded that is on the emotional healing part of my journey. I cherish the friends I still have. I have been getting so caught up in what I have lost that I am not appreciating what has been left. I have been spending so much time beating myself up for hurting the people closest to me, yet it's those same people that picked me up yesterday and dusted me off. The things and people that are still present in my world are the ones that are good for me. The things that I can utilize to open up new doors for myself. If, and only if....I can learn to let go of the things that are trying to leave my life

All around me I see people holding on so dearly to things, people and events in their lives that have since moved away years ago. But they hold on, completely unaware that they are grasping at something that serves no purpose for them anymore. By holding on to the past it's like keeping a foot in that door of the past. Never being able to open up the door across the hall because if you take a step towards that door the one you are holding open will shut and lock forever. And you have no idea what’s in the door across the hall, so you get caught in the hallway.. or between the worlds. It is okay to sit there for a few moments to regroup and collect yourself. To revel in the wonderful things the last room had to offer you and to prepare yourself for the new room you are about to walk into. It is not healthy however to pull up a chair and sit there in the hall living life through some good books you found on the floor. Which is where I am trying to sit right now in my life... as are many of you.

Yesterday in my hallway there was a very cold draft that came in through the window at the end of the hall. With that draft came all my demons sweeping in from the dark, gliding down the walls to surround me, with warnings a many!! Faint or listen to the warnings, were my only options. I chose to listen, with very weak knee's and blurry vision.

I love the 17 years I spent with my husband. They were filled with joy and laughter and a sense of gamesmanship. But they are over and I must move on. Do I know what’s ahead of me in the romantic arena?... nope! Am I afraid I will live out my life alone with just my cat... yup! I adored my job with JC and all the growth and joy it brought me. Is my heart breaking cause it was ripped from me violently.... hell ya! Do I know what I am going to do next... nope. Am I afraid of going hungry.. yup! My daughter is the world to me. Will I be lost if she moves to GP...yup! Will she survive and learn and grow on her own accord... yes she will. Am I afraid for her... hell ya! But you know what? As I stood before those demons, I realized that they were not hurting me. They were big and ugly, scary and foul smelling, but they were making a path to the next door. They were asking me to feel the fear and do it anyways!!

If we let fear hold us back, we will forever be caught in that hallway. Just surviving, not actually living. Going through the motions of life, but not truly feeling the joys it has to offer. You may find comfort in those books, but it is just an illusion. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Held my chin up high, shook my shoulders to release the fears holding me to the door behind me and I took a shaky step towards the door on the other side of the hallway. One foot in front of the other is all I can focus on today. But with each step my confidence will grow and my fears will subside. In a few steps my hand will be on the door handle of my new life. The anticipation is mounting and excitement grows, possibilities are endless!

My First Apartment

I have a really really old blog that a good friend reminded me about today.   The blog was from a time in my life that I was hurting really bad.  I had just walked out on my family and didnt yet know I was an addict.  I just read it and the tears flowed at the reminder of the shear strength of the pain I was enduring at that moment.  It helps me remember how far I have come and what I have gone through to achieve what I have now.  Sometimes looking at where we have come from gives us clear focus on where it is we want to go.   http://brandybrost.com

Here is that writing from 2009...

FIRST APARTMENT AT 35 - October 29th, 2009

I currently live in this ultra cute little attic bachelor-ette suite in a 1920's house.

It's a tall yellow house in an old part of town, where the tree's canopy the street, just outside of downtown E-Town. I am three stories up and have a great view of beautiful old houses all around me. I am 8 houses away from the football stadium to the south, Rexell place few blocks northeast and Northlands just east of me. You could say I live in the heart of the city.

Four apartments co-exists together in this house. A small bachelor in the basement, a large 2 bedroom on the main floor, a sweet one bedroom on the second floor just below me. And at the very top is me and my two room(kitchen and living room/bedroom) cozy apartment. In each apartment you will find a single female and her cat. I have not learned all their stories yet, but I have only seen women coming and going from the suites in the month that I have been here.

I feel liberated and honored to live in such a place with so much character, history and a feeling of unity amongst it's residence.

To get to my apartment you travel up a cute winding staircase that just seems to go on forever, and ever, but when u get to the top, your view is wonderful.

………So why is it then, that I cry every time I get to the top of my stairs. Why do I find myself so lost, that I can just stand and stare at nothing for hours. When my legs get sore, I sit at my kitchen table my only furniture and stare for even more hours. I look around and everything feels so strange to me. So empty, void of all life, unloving and just plain cold. Not to mention I have no source of distraction, no TV, no Internet, nothing.

My home is like an enemy to me. I hate it. I am angry at it. It ripped me from my life. It is my new jail. But then feelings of anger turn into feelings of betrayal, because it is so cute and innocent. So inviting and warm. How can I be angry. So then how do I feel... lost. Lonely.

I leave in the morning and I come back and nothing has changed. There is nothing to clean up. There is no one to greet me at the door. It is quiet and peaceful. Nothing is misplaced. Everything is in perfect order. Too perfect. There is nothing for me to do but sit and be and eat. I made spaghetti with nacho cheese sauce. Turning to food to help me deal with life has risen it's ugly head again, I am embarrassed to say.

I have a blow up bed that I crawl into nightly and struggle mentally to get out of bed in the morning. I have a coffee maker that has become my best friend. As I sip my coffee on the east facing emergency escape out my back door I let the tears stream down my face.

I let all my grief wash over me. I allow the pain of not living with my children seep out through my eyes. I allow my grief of closing the door on 17 wonderful years of marriage come up like a tidal wave. I allow my heart to break over the loss of my career. I allow old family hurts to raise up and join in the moving of the emotional waters. I allow the loneliness and isolation to embrace me.

And I just sit in the morning sun and sip my coffee as my emotions release like a tidal wave over me. Wave after wave cleanse me. The birds sit in silence watching me. After what feels like hours, it's all over. So I get up and I start decorating.

How many times through the years have I longed for my own place? My own space? How many times did I wish that after I cleaned something it would just stay clean? And stay clean for more then a few seconds. How many times did I just beg for some peace and quiet? And not random moments of silence but the kind I could command at will. How many times did I long for my privacy? Space where I could do what I wanted without judgment from others. Having moved directly from my mother to my husband, how many times did I wonder what it would be like to live on my own? Did I ever imagine it to be like this?

No!

So why am I allowing it to become such a negative thing? I keep coming back to what others must think of me. I left my kids with my husband. That can't be good. what type of mother could do that? Wait, the fact I left my husband.. period. That's going to have some negative backlash from those close to us for sure. What about the fact I quit my beloved job. All these mistakes I have made.. mistakes that society frowns upon. mistakes...... ?

Enough of what I think, people may be thinking of me. I do not regret my decisions.

So I got a cat! Now I have something to clean!! And she is a damn messy cat! lol Now someone greets me when I get to the top of my stairs, full of purrs and love for me. And my kids come over frequently and love moms new place. And guess what? I encourage them to make a mess and invade my space. I got Internet and feel connected again and watch TV through justintv.com. I put up pictures and decorated in my witchy flighty own way. And now I crank the tunes on my karaoke machine(my only source of equipment to play music) and spin in circles and dance at my freedom!

In the mornings, I bounce out of bed. Laterally lol. I go for a run, I meditate and I try to do other things then eat. And everyday my apartment becomes more like home.

Life's Reset Button

Sometimes I just need to hit the reset button.

I am learning that life is about getting off track and then getting back on again.  Its the journey right?  The path?  There are so many metaphors and stories about the paths we take in life, yet when I get knocked off mine, I throw a fit.  Am I ever really knocked off...... or do I see a fairy darting behind a bush and chase off after it?

Making life so serious has been my toughest challenge to over come.  Wanting to get it right and perfect has always been my ultimate goal.   Knowing that part of life is accepting mistakes, defects and failures... I do that with perfection.  Accepting the joys, bliss's and ecstasies are the grandest of fun on this journey, yet I still do that with a serious perfection.  I am serious about having fun.

Until I get burnt out from all the rules and and expectations. Thats when the fairy shows up.

 Its only then after following the fairy into the bushes that I see another path.  Not a right path or a more blissful path... just a different path.  A path of magic.  A path also of illusion.  The deeper you go into that path the more you wonder if the path you veered from was real or not?  Some paths maybe, are only meant to be acknowledged, not followed.

I had to reset my shitty attitude day with a great movie and some snuggling with my most beautiful teenage daughter... I got to get them in now before she turns 20 and grimaces when I hug her.  Like my day I recently reset my entire life.  I got lost on that fairy path of magic and illusions.

I love that fairy path.  Its a path away from all the responsibilities of being a single mom.  A full time Landscaper.  An entrepreneur building her own business.  A woman in recovery of an over addictive mind.  A student.  And simply.... a woman.  The path of the feminine fae is full of glory and fun.  A path where I can let my hair down and be free to laugh and laugh and laugh.

Sometimes I need a distraction.

Why cant I laugh on My path?  Where did I lose my joy?  It was there.... a while back.  I remember my meditations being of an ecstatic nature.  I am reminded of my passions for learning the mind.  Learning how my addictive mind works and the hypnosis of others.  Memory floods me now of a tanned more toned body and a deep love for being outside and of service to others.  And I did laugh and laugh and laugh with my girls.

How did I get so wound tight?  Well whatever the reason I am entirely grateful for that little fairy that caught my clouded attention and lead me off path and into a realm of illusion.  It is only from seeing through beer goggles that I now remember my joy and passion for this wonderful path I am journeying on.  Leave it to a fun and playful guide to distract me in the knowing that it would get me back on track!!

You know I was once told.... Don't take life so seriously, no one gets out alive!  I think I will listen.

Are Dreams my Spirits way to Communicate to me?

Oh what a dream, or two, I have had in the past 24 hours.

I remember the crazy using dreams I have every time I quit.  Normally they start to surface within a couple months of getting clean.  Those dreams that you wake up in a cold sweat because you swear to God that you got high while you were asleep.  Whenever I go on a fast the second or third day I dream of binging and wake feeling like such a failure.

These dreams aren't like the ones I had.

I am looking at what the word dream means, to help me understand the importance to the two linked dreams I have had.  If I am gonna have an obsessive mind I might as well put it to good use and over analyze something that is fun and interesting instead of the guy that was texting me last night.

I am sharing these dreams here as I think they are completely relevant to the situation change in my life.  But let me not jump ahead to quickly... like a quick draw and I miss the entire meat an potatoes of the intimate experience.  haha meat and potatoes leaves me with a whole new intimate visual....  Lets just marry all my addictions into one shall we.  lol

Okay Okay.... damn my mind is scattered when I use.  No focus whats so ever.

There are two different definitions of the word dream.  One of those definitions is connected to our aspirations, our desires for the future.  I dream of becoming a world known Hypnotherapist (shoot for the moon and land among the stars, I am happy with just being a damn good one.)  That type of dream is the type I work with in my sessions.  We all have desires we day dream about, some healthy for us and well, others maybe not so much.  When I speak of creating our own reality, its these types of dreams that I refer to.

But I am not talking about this kind of dream either.

I am exploring the ones that happen too us in a sleep state.

I know fully that everything i experience is created somewhere within my own dreamscape as mentioned above already, but what I question is when does Spirit... God... or Guides step in an intercede?  The dreams I had recently felt like they were happening too me and not of my direct making.

One of the things that fascinates me in life is understanding the chain of events that ripple through a desire being manifested in reality.  I choose to smoke drugs and the chain of events is almost always the same.  The choice to smoke was made in a dream many many months ago however.  I longed to get high, I thought about it, fantasized it and added feeling to it.... and well my greater then  conscious mind took that as what I wanted and created the opportunity for me.

These dreams last night were not of any sort of longing.  They felt way more like a warning to me.  A harsh one.  I will only share one here as the other one is very intimate and sacred to me.

After coming home early from work today because I was exhausted from what felt like a night of no sleep, i headed straight into another bout of fitful sleep.   Of course not before an internal battle with myself to get high.

 I had the house to myself and nobody would know and it would be the last time.... all the promises and lies I tell myself each and every time.   So I decided in the end to have a nap first its the reason I came home and then if I still wanted to get high after I could.

It was moments into falling asleep as it always is with my warning dreams.  That I found myself at a house party with an old using friend of mine.  I was uncomfortable to be there.  I knew I was entering the choice of crossing the threshold from the softer to the harder drug.  I didn't beat around the bush I asked her straight out is she was still using these days.  She didn't hesitate to throw back that her new favorite was an intense drug.

I instantly felt the surge of excitement, followed rapidly by the fear of opening Pandoras box.  I sat back and contemplated my next move.  I hadn't used yet, I could still walk out.  Yet everyone looked like they were having so much fun and whats the harm I can always come back when I want right??

It was then that the dream shifted energy and I came to realize that all these people were not my friends.  I was reminded of a time in my teen years that I got into a very hostile situation and ended up on the beaten up end of things.  So I braced myself for the first blow from the girl standing in front of me.  She looked at me quizzically and said 'we don't do things that way here'  and she reached out and touched my arm.

Instantly I felt like she had taken over my mind and was filling me with images that were hurting me.  I closed my eyes and squeezed my brain shut.  The whole time praying or more like begging for my spirit to understand that I don't want to get high. I changed my mind, I don't want this path.  I could see the images I could see where i was going.  I cried and tried to block it out.  I didn't want to create this outcome that was being put into my mind.

In what felt like forever but was mere seconds the girl that controlled my mind let go of my arm and I fell to the ground.  I could feel everyone smirking knowing that I was now one of them.  I felt so angry and desperate in my dream.  I got up and ran hard to the front door.  I tried to turn the door knob but it was like my mind was so tranced that simple functions were lost in there.  I finally did get it open and got to the end of the yard before I was tackled by one of the guys in the party.

I cried with so much feeling to this guy that I didn't want to use.  I didn't want this path.  Please let me go, I begged him.

Then I woke up.  Feeling that intense state of resolve not to walk that path, not to get high.

I definitely didn't feel like getting high now.

These dreams happened too me.  I know in my heart that I was saving myself.  My spirit is the one that is begging me not to follow this path.  It's my own soul, my higher self or even my greater then conscious that is now communicating back to me in a fashion I can finally understand.

My dream last night had the same message just in a different area of addiction for me.  I was given clear focus and guidance in that dream.  I spend so much time in thought and so much of my passion lives in understanding the mind and how spirituality plays a part in its functioning that these dreams are my language with spirit.  My spirit spoke loud and clear to me today.

Why today though?

Last night in a group of people a prayer was spoken.  I know now without a doubt that in my reality when  group of people of like minds meet together and call in a higher power... mountains can be moved, miracles happen.... Source energy is ignited.  I made the white tag walk with humility, publicly displaying my intention to stop using and walk the white tag path.  It was a magical ritual.  That spell worked its magic last night in my dream and again today in my nap.

I have spiritual backing now.  Thats whats different.  I have accessed the Higher Power greater then myself.

I am learning that the age of Aquarius is about community.  I cannot tap spiritual power alone.  I can find love within myself and I can vibrate at a higher frequency on my own.  I can tap my own higher self who is connected to the source on my own.  However when in a setting where there are more then two people with the same focus and spirit is called in their is a much deeper energy created then can be done alone.

I am grateful to be connected to that energy again.  Sometimes I just need a boost and I get running smoothly again.  I am getting right with myself again.