Building on the Foundation of NOW.

The Power of Now.  Now and Then.  Past and Future.  Before and After.  Black and white.  Good or Bad.  The dis-impowerment of duality and Time.

It's been awhile since I have written anything new.  It took me a few weeks to re-upload all my posts that I deleted in a fit of anger.  I am fairly certain I wont do that again.  I have struggled many times over the content of my blog and sharing my personal thoughts and feelings here.  I have hit some pretty negative feed back from close friends and family because of what I choose to express within these pages.

I have come to learn people are uncomfortable with the past being brought into the now.  People are also uncomfortable with Secrets coming to light.  I am uncomfortable with these things.

I have been living in a constant state of uncomfortable as of late.  This is the Power of me sitting in the Now and not resorting back to the past or skipping ahead to an imagined future that is yet to exist.

I am coming to learn that most of my waking moments are spent thinking about the mistakes of my past or in positive healthy moments happy memories from my past.  I am from the school of thought that I must drain every single drop out of a past experience so that I may learn the full value of the lesson in order to create the incredible future that I know is mine to create.

And this trained thought behavior has once again landed me in a drug relapse that I am slowly

crawling out of.

I seriously contemplated deleting all posts of this blog that I just painstakingly re uploaded in order to start a new fresh format, with a new focus for my posts.  I have weaved the same thoughts repeatedly over the past few years throughout these posts.  Re reading some of the things I have experienced in the past few years was a hard hitting reminder of this topic of living in the Now.

 I don't live in the Now.

I have been so busy running away from my past.  Too busy drowning in my anger and resentments towards my family that I haven't progressed past level eight years old on my treadmill of life.  All the situations I create in my world today are in some way recreations of the abandonment, betrayal, neglect or abuse I experienced as a kid.  I am in a constant Victim loop.

I believed that if I just ignored my childhood that I was a survivor and that I would easily let go of the past.  I thought I understood the process of forgiveness and had worked through the necessary counselling grindings in order to release my past.

I was wrong.

What I effectively did was brush everything under the carpet and closed the lid on the festering secrets.

What I thought was letting go through forgiveness was actually rationalizing away the behaviors of my abusers.  What I thought was working through the events was truly just skimming the surface to show that I wasn't keeping the secrets to myself anymore.  I was doing what the books taught me to do in order to become healthy.

I missed a very key element in all the logical pathways to freeing myself from my past.

Feeling.

I was in a constant state of stuffing or numbing my feelings.  Food or Drugs have been my constant friend from the time I was 13 on, since the abuse stopped and I began running away.

I have always, I Now understand, have been running to a future that has got to be better then my horrific past.   Its been almost thirty years since I was a victim yet I volunteer on a daily basis to subject myself to continued abuse.  Of course its not as intense as what it was then but there is always an element of pain in every relationship I hold and ever experience I create.  A sense of less then worthy in every dealing I encounter.

I am stuck in the past.

Wait let me rephrase that.  I was stuck in the past.  Until recently.

Crisis brought me to my knee's recently and my garbage can of festering secrets has busted wide open and the pain and feelings of anger and betrayal are flowing out of me like a flooded dam.  I can be no other place but the Now in this moment.  It is too fucking painful to be any other place then the now.

I remember clearly after I left my husband and kids, the confusion and pain I was experiencing was so great that I would have to stop myself and ask myself three important questions.  1. Am I alive right now? 2. Do I have food in my belly? 3. Do I have a safe place to sleep tonight?   Sometimes the answers to these questions were shady, like only having my car as a roof over my head and a three day old 7-11 sandwich in my belly, but it worked, it always calmed me down and refocused me back in the moment.  I find I am having to do that again today.

I need to keep myself on this moment these days because if I look at the fact that I am not working during the busiest part of our work season I get overwhelmed with guilt for letting my boss down.  If I look at the fact I got taken yet again through a rough drug relapse I will beat myself up and go back into it.   If I think about the fact that i just burnt my business plans to the ground I will throw my hands up and give in to worthlessness.

These are all thought patterns that tie me to a past that no longer exists and creates my future of continued victim hood.  I need to focus on this very moment and be in the now.

My now is extremely uncomfortable.  I am going through intense counselling that for the first time I am letting the feelings of anger, hate, rage, hurt, betrayal and sadness come to the surface to finally get their time in the spotlight.  I am letting the understandings that the pictures I painted of loving family members are inaccurate and am sitting in some hard truths that I have been running from my whole life.

In the now I am working on a dissociative personality disorder that needs to be acknowledged and then put back into her proper place.  I am working on depression and mania to bring my emotions back into a normal healthy range, learning to actually express them instead of stuff and numb.

In the now I am using the time off from work to treat my drug addiction and food addiction.  To regain my health, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  When I am focused on just today I can let the emotions, situations or thoughts arise to be worked through and redirected into an avenue that will move me forward instead of constantly loop me, begging for my attention.

There are many paths to healing and many paths to God.  I have Chosen Narcotics Anonymous as my path.  The reason why I wanted to delete this blog is because of all the slamming I did on this fellowship through these posts the past year.  I decided against deleting because I think its important to accept my human failings and just continue to move forward instead of trying to rewrite the past always.

So here is to Living as best as I can in the Now.  Letting go of Past haunting and future buildings, allowing myself to just Be the foundation.  Just for Today I will Live in the Now.

Follow the White Rabbit.....

For more Healing.....

http://awakened2b.blogspot.ca/2016/03/majestic-blessings-and-work.html

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By Breath of Fire & Mists of Air

"Energy is our choice to direct, and our discipline to obtain"

That was a line from my last post.  It was not my line.  I didn't read that line anywhere.  It came from some where deeper I think.  I have chewed it over lots this week as my energy continued to drain and I was finding myself getting to the angry part of H.A.L.T.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely , Tired....... in case you missed last weeks read.   Even in my awareness I was unable to stop the cycle of halt this week.

Last night as I was unwinding on my deck, the thought of breath work kept creeping into my mind.  I realized yet again on a new layer of the onion peel that I have not been breathing.  When I get busy at work, or stressed with life, my breath is shallow and quick.  So I took a few deep breaths that turned into many deep deep breaths and instantly I was beginning to feel better, peaceful.

Then I was reminded of how I have been here before.  I have a post I wrote like six months ago about the importance of breath work in our daily lives.  Looks like I need to revisit my own words of wisdom, yet again.  So here is that post cut and copied....

Ya, I am cheating today.  I am too fucking tired to conjure up a witty read....so plagiarizing my own writings is the non noble path I choose to walk in my self created drama this fine Sunday in May.  Love you all and Happy reading!

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Yogi Brent is who I wake up with in the morning.    This is my daily program for connecting body, mind and Spirit.   I do not spend much time anymore between my alarm going off and my morning guided breathing mediation.

 That time space of pure relaxation.   The void between my spiritual world of slumber and my physical existence.  This is often the time destroyed by my ego's need fill the peace with thoughts of dread and chastisings over my day yesterday or the day ahead of me.  It is during this critical time that my whole days attitude is forged.  I do not sit here long enough for my Ego to fuck with that.

Eye's still half closed I crawl to the bottom of my king size bed and open my laptop that lives on the corner of my massive bed.  I tune in to my Favorite YouTube video by yogi Brent, Kundalini Energizer Breath series.  I then precede to bring conscious breath into my body for 25 minutes.  Some days I feel a lack of energy to stay focused and other days I nail the meditation.  No matter how I feel beginning or during the meditation, by the end of it, I feel ready to bounce through my day in love and gratitude.




History for me shows that when I do a breathing meditation daily my life climbs these massive mountain with little ease.  I remember several years ago.. 2006.  I began a Fire breath meditation.  I had no understanding of what I was doing, I just liked the way it made me feel.  I did the 30 minute breathing routine everyday faithfully for a good six months.  During the time of this daily practice, I wrote some goals I wanted to achieve for my life. ... Getting a better paying job, losing weight, quitting smoking....... Looking back now, all of those goals were not only achieved,  but exceeded my wildest expectations.

Today I can already feel the shift in my reality.

As within, So without.

I have been doing some research this time as to why this form of meditation is so effective.  I have learned that I hold my breath in times of stress.  I have learned that my Ego was creating a continual world of fight or flight for me.  In a place of mild panic and acceptable go, go,go.....   Our bodies and spirits are not meant to sustain that state 24/7.  I was holding my breath.

 Did you know that Breath is the one thing we cannot live without for any amount of time?  We can starve ourselves to death.  We can dehydrate ourselves and most of us are.  We can harm ourselves in all the ways we want to, but we can not choose to stop breathing, we cannot force ourselves to stop breathing.

Breath is Prana.  Prana is Life force.

You cannot kill the source directly.  You cannot take your own breath.  That life force is always with you, no matter how much you turn your back on it.  So my take on that now is if you can't live without it, then you might as well make it work to your advantage.  I have learned that breathing serves so many functions other then to just give you oxygen.

Did you know you use 18 muscles when you breath?  10 coming in, 8 going out, deep breathing tones your abs!!  Oxygen increases the function of your circulation.  This means your heart and your blood that keep you alive and keep love flowing throughout you is detoxed.  No wonder I was having circulation issues, which by the way are all gone now.  You could not speak without breath.  To find your voice and stand in your truth, you need deep healthy breath.  Breathing increases your metabolism and helps eliminate waste, again with the weight loss and toxic release.   But most of all for me breath helps me ground and center.  Breath is the way I connect with divine Spirit. Life force.  The source.

If you have breath issues, illness's or challenges with breathing.... you have complications with your connection to your divine self.

When my body is healthy within then my life reflects that without.  That's the as within, so without.  The Wiccans say...... As above, so below.   Life force enters our body from the heavens and flows to the earth and then returns from the earth and shoots into the heavens, connecting us to the Christ consciousness.   It is through breath that I connect to my higher power and the divine.  It's the physical, in my body, step that I take to shush.. my mind and welcome in spirit.

During Yogi Brents Video he leads us through a few chants that I would like to explain here.  I have had to do some research on this as I am trying to be more aware of my spiritual practices.  In my past I have invoked some nasty dark stuff that I wish to steer clear of this time around.

First, the hand position he asks us to hold is the Guyan Mudra. Thats where you touch the thumb and the index finger together with palms facing up.  When you connect your fingers in this way it signals to your mind and spirit an ancient trigger, imparting receptivity and calm.  There are many Mudra's you can use in everyday life that help you overcome ever day challenges.  When I do this meditation regularly and I get stressed at work I remember to take a deep breath and touch my fingers together in this fashion and its almost instant, my frustration or anxiety melts away into nothing.

 The Second Two things are the Mantra's he uses.  A mantra in this situation is a statement that he repeats. The first one at the beginning calls Upon Divine wisdom.  "OM Namo Guru Dev Namo".   We repeat this three times in the meditation, during the day if I need to call on Divine help I repeat this mantra and it brings me into alignment with the powers that be.   The second one at the the end Means 'Truth'.  "Satnam".

 To compliment the physical connection through conscious breath to the Divine Source, the mantra's and mudra's use your mind to invoke Spirit.

This is how I start my day now.  I cannot even begin to share with you how much my inner thoughts and emotions have shifted because of this.  Knowing my history of this has even catapulted the effects.  I have changed around the rooms in my home to increase air circulation and find that my physical energy has also sky rocketed.  Powerful stuff.

I am so abundantly grateful today.  I am so ridiculously happy today.  I am dreamily in love with my girls, my friends and my family today.  I am eager to work, for a living and on my life mission today.  I am ready to fully participate in life.   I am even getting comfortable with the idea of walking through my feelings... but just a little bit!  Life is good folks as I learn to accept my light, as well as not be afraid of the shadow that creates.

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Well there you have it.  Such a fabulous energy I was in then.

Not that I am in a yucky place today, just tired.  I haven't done this meditation in months. I have let the discipline of obtaining good energy slip, falling back on old habits of using people, sex and drugs to fill me up instead.

 I hate routine but know that when I get comfortable with a discipline for obtaining energy, my life shifts dramatically.  When I did this breath exercise this morning I could barely hold my peace.  I could barely get through a breathing exercise but I still played the tape till the end and I was right I feel better.  Time to get back to some conscious breath work...

 I am tired of suffering and choose to participate in actions that fill me with peace and happiness.  This is one of those disciplined actions that will take me to that peace.

Thank you for reading.  Have a fabulous day!!

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of the Healing....

http://recoverpower.blogspot.ca/2014/09/building-on-foundation-of-now.html

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