My First Apartment

I have a really really old blog that a good friend reminded me about today.   The blog was from a time in my life that I was hurting really bad.  I had just walked out on my family and didnt yet know I was an addict.  I just read it and the tears flowed at the reminder of the shear strength of the pain I was enduring at that moment.  It helps me remember how far I have come and what I have gone through to achieve what I have now.  Sometimes looking at where we have come from gives us clear focus on where it is we want to go.   http://brandybrost.com

Here is that writing from 2009...

FIRST APARTMENT AT 35 - October 29th, 2009

I currently live in this ultra cute little attic bachelor-ette suite in a 1920's house.

It's a tall yellow house in an old part of town, where the tree's canopy the street, just outside of downtown E-Town. I am three stories up and have a great view of beautiful old houses all around me. I am 8 houses away from the football stadium to the south, Rexell place few blocks northeast and Northlands just east of me. You could say I live in the heart of the city.

Four apartments co-exists together in this house. A small bachelor in the basement, a large 2 bedroom on the main floor, a sweet one bedroom on the second floor just below me. And at the very top is me and my two room(kitchen and living room/bedroom) cozy apartment. In each apartment you will find a single female and her cat. I have not learned all their stories yet, but I have only seen women coming and going from the suites in the month that I have been here.

I feel liberated and honored to live in such a place with so much character, history and a feeling of unity amongst it's residence.

To get to my apartment you travel up a cute winding staircase that just seems to go on forever, and ever, but when u get to the top, your view is wonderful.

………So why is it then, that I cry every time I get to the top of my stairs. Why do I find myself so lost, that I can just stand and stare at nothing for hours. When my legs get sore, I sit at my kitchen table my only furniture and stare for even more hours. I look around and everything feels so strange to me. So empty, void of all life, unloving and just plain cold. Not to mention I have no source of distraction, no TV, no Internet, nothing.

My home is like an enemy to me. I hate it. I am angry at it. It ripped me from my life. It is my new jail. But then feelings of anger turn into feelings of betrayal, because it is so cute and innocent. So inviting and warm. How can I be angry. So then how do I feel... lost. Lonely.

I leave in the morning and I come back and nothing has changed. There is nothing to clean up. There is no one to greet me at the door. It is quiet and peaceful. Nothing is misplaced. Everything is in perfect order. Too perfect. There is nothing for me to do but sit and be and eat. I made spaghetti with nacho cheese sauce. Turning to food to help me deal with life has risen it's ugly head again, I am embarrassed to say.

I have a blow up bed that I crawl into nightly and struggle mentally to get out of bed in the morning. I have a coffee maker that has become my best friend. As I sip my coffee on the east facing emergency escape out my back door I let the tears stream down my face.

I let all my grief wash over me. I allow the pain of not living with my children seep out through my eyes. I allow my grief of closing the door on 17 wonderful years of marriage come up like a tidal wave. I allow my heart to break over the loss of my career. I allow old family hurts to raise up and join in the moving of the emotional waters. I allow the loneliness and isolation to embrace me.

And I just sit in the morning sun and sip my coffee as my emotions release like a tidal wave over me. Wave after wave cleanse me. The birds sit in silence watching me. After what feels like hours, it's all over. So I get up and I start decorating.

How many times through the years have I longed for my own place? My own space? How many times did I wish that after I cleaned something it would just stay clean? And stay clean for more then a few seconds. How many times did I just beg for some peace and quiet? And not random moments of silence but the kind I could command at will. How many times did I long for my privacy? Space where I could do what I wanted without judgment from others. Having moved directly from my mother to my husband, how many times did I wonder what it would be like to live on my own? Did I ever imagine it to be like this?

No!

So why am I allowing it to become such a negative thing? I keep coming back to what others must think of me. I left my kids with my husband. That can't be good. what type of mother could do that? Wait, the fact I left my husband.. period. That's going to have some negative backlash from those close to us for sure. What about the fact I quit my beloved job. All these mistakes I have made.. mistakes that society frowns upon. mistakes...... ?

Enough of what I think, people may be thinking of me. I do not regret my decisions.

So I got a cat! Now I have something to clean!! And she is a damn messy cat! lol Now someone greets me when I get to the top of my stairs, full of purrs and love for me. And my kids come over frequently and love moms new place. And guess what? I encourage them to make a mess and invade my space. I got Internet and feel connected again and watch TV through justintv.com. I put up pictures and decorated in my witchy flighty own way. And now I crank the tunes on my karaoke machine(my only source of equipment to play music) and spin in circles and dance at my freedom!

In the mornings, I bounce out of bed. Laterally lol. I go for a run, I meditate and I try to do other things then eat. And everyday my apartment becomes more like home.

Life's Reset Button

Sometimes I just need to hit the reset button.

I am learning that life is about getting off track and then getting back on again.  Its the journey right?  The path?  There are so many metaphors and stories about the paths we take in life, yet when I get knocked off mine, I throw a fit.  Am I ever really knocked off...... or do I see a fairy darting behind a bush and chase off after it?

Making life so serious has been my toughest challenge to over come.  Wanting to get it right and perfect has always been my ultimate goal.   Knowing that part of life is accepting mistakes, defects and failures... I do that with perfection.  Accepting the joys, bliss's and ecstasies are the grandest of fun on this journey, yet I still do that with a serious perfection.  I am serious about having fun.

Until I get burnt out from all the rules and and expectations. Thats when the fairy shows up.

 Its only then after following the fairy into the bushes that I see another path.  Not a right path or a more blissful path... just a different path.  A path of magic.  A path also of illusion.  The deeper you go into that path the more you wonder if the path you veered from was real or not?  Some paths maybe, are only meant to be acknowledged, not followed.

I had to reset my shitty attitude day with a great movie and some snuggling with my most beautiful teenage daughter... I got to get them in now before she turns 20 and grimaces when I hug her.  Like my day I recently reset my entire life.  I got lost on that fairy path of magic and illusions.

I love that fairy path.  Its a path away from all the responsibilities of being a single mom.  A full time Landscaper.  An entrepreneur building her own business.  A woman in recovery of an over addictive mind.  A student.  And simply.... a woman.  The path of the feminine fae is full of glory and fun.  A path where I can let my hair down and be free to laugh and laugh and laugh.

Sometimes I need a distraction.

Why cant I laugh on My path?  Where did I lose my joy?  It was there.... a while back.  I remember my meditations being of an ecstatic nature.  I am reminded of my passions for learning the mind.  Learning how my addictive mind works and the hypnosis of others.  Memory floods me now of a tanned more toned body and a deep love for being outside and of service to others.  And I did laugh and laugh and laugh with my girls.

How did I get so wound tight?  Well whatever the reason I am entirely grateful for that little fairy that caught my clouded attention and lead me off path and into a realm of illusion.  It is only from seeing through beer goggles that I now remember my joy and passion for this wonderful path I am journeying on.  Leave it to a fun and playful guide to distract me in the knowing that it would get me back on track!!

You know I was once told.... Don't take life so seriously, no one gets out alive!  I think I will listen.

Are Dreams my Spirits way to Communicate to me?

Oh what a dream, or two, I have had in the past 24 hours.

I remember the crazy using dreams I have every time I quit.  Normally they start to surface within a couple months of getting clean.  Those dreams that you wake up in a cold sweat because you swear to God that you got high while you were asleep.  Whenever I go on a fast the second or third day I dream of binging and wake feeling like such a failure.

These dreams aren't like the ones I had.

I am looking at what the word dream means, to help me understand the importance to the two linked dreams I have had.  If I am gonna have an obsessive mind I might as well put it to good use and over analyze something that is fun and interesting instead of the guy that was texting me last night.

I am sharing these dreams here as I think they are completely relevant to the situation change in my life.  But let me not jump ahead to quickly... like a quick draw and I miss the entire meat an potatoes of the intimate experience.  haha meat and potatoes leaves me with a whole new intimate visual....  Lets just marry all my addictions into one shall we.  lol

Okay Okay.... damn my mind is scattered when I use.  No focus whats so ever.

There are two different definitions of the word dream.  One of those definitions is connected to our aspirations, our desires for the future.  I dream of becoming a world known Hypnotherapist (shoot for the moon and land among the stars, I am happy with just being a damn good one.)  That type of dream is the type I work with in my sessions.  We all have desires we day dream about, some healthy for us and well, others maybe not so much.  When I speak of creating our own reality, its these types of dreams that I refer to.

But I am not talking about this kind of dream either.

I am exploring the ones that happen too us in a sleep state.

I know fully that everything i experience is created somewhere within my own dreamscape as mentioned above already, but what I question is when does Spirit... God... or Guides step in an intercede?  The dreams I had recently felt like they were happening too me and not of my direct making.

One of the things that fascinates me in life is understanding the chain of events that ripple through a desire being manifested in reality.  I choose to smoke drugs and the chain of events is almost always the same.  The choice to smoke was made in a dream many many months ago however.  I longed to get high, I thought about it, fantasized it and added feeling to it.... and well my greater then  conscious mind took that as what I wanted and created the opportunity for me.

These dreams last night were not of any sort of longing.  They felt way more like a warning to me.  A harsh one.  I will only share one here as the other one is very intimate and sacred to me.

After coming home early from work today because I was exhausted from what felt like a night of no sleep, i headed straight into another bout of fitful sleep.   Of course not before an internal battle with myself to get high.

 I had the house to myself and nobody would know and it would be the last time.... all the promises and lies I tell myself each and every time.   So I decided in the end to have a nap first its the reason I came home and then if I still wanted to get high after I could.

It was moments into falling asleep as it always is with my warning dreams.  That I found myself at a house party with an old using friend of mine.  I was uncomfortable to be there.  I knew I was entering the choice of crossing the threshold from the softer to the harder drug.  I didn't beat around the bush I asked her straight out is she was still using these days.  She didn't hesitate to throw back that her new favorite was an intense drug.

I instantly felt the surge of excitement, followed rapidly by the fear of opening Pandoras box.  I sat back and contemplated my next move.  I hadn't used yet, I could still walk out.  Yet everyone looked like they were having so much fun and whats the harm I can always come back when I want right??

It was then that the dream shifted energy and I came to realize that all these people were not my friends.  I was reminded of a time in my teen years that I got into a very hostile situation and ended up on the beaten up end of things.  So I braced myself for the first blow from the girl standing in front of me.  She looked at me quizzically and said 'we don't do things that way here'  and she reached out and touched my arm.

Instantly I felt like she had taken over my mind and was filling me with images that were hurting me.  I closed my eyes and squeezed my brain shut.  The whole time praying or more like begging for my spirit to understand that I don't want to get high. I changed my mind, I don't want this path.  I could see the images I could see where i was going.  I cried and tried to block it out.  I didn't want to create this outcome that was being put into my mind.

In what felt like forever but was mere seconds the girl that controlled my mind let go of my arm and I fell to the ground.  I could feel everyone smirking knowing that I was now one of them.  I felt so angry and desperate in my dream.  I got up and ran hard to the front door.  I tried to turn the door knob but it was like my mind was so tranced that simple functions were lost in there.  I finally did get it open and got to the end of the yard before I was tackled by one of the guys in the party.

I cried with so much feeling to this guy that I didn't want to use.  I didn't want this path.  Please let me go, I begged him.

Then I woke up.  Feeling that intense state of resolve not to walk that path, not to get high.

I definitely didn't feel like getting high now.

These dreams happened too me.  I know in my heart that I was saving myself.  My spirit is the one that is begging me not to follow this path.  It's my own soul, my higher self or even my greater then conscious that is now communicating back to me in a fashion I can finally understand.

My dream last night had the same message just in a different area of addiction for me.  I was given clear focus and guidance in that dream.  I spend so much time in thought and so much of my passion lives in understanding the mind and how spirituality plays a part in its functioning that these dreams are my language with spirit.  My spirit spoke loud and clear to me today.

Why today though?

Last night in a group of people a prayer was spoken.  I know now without a doubt that in my reality when  group of people of like minds meet together and call in a higher power... mountains can be moved, miracles happen.... Source energy is ignited.  I made the white tag walk with humility, publicly displaying my intention to stop using and walk the white tag path.  It was a magical ritual.  That spell worked its magic last night in my dream and again today in my nap.

I have spiritual backing now.  Thats whats different.  I have accessed the Higher Power greater then myself.

I am learning that the age of Aquarius is about community.  I cannot tap spiritual power alone.  I can find love within myself and I can vibrate at a higher frequency on my own.  I can tap my own higher self who is connected to the source on my own.  However when in a setting where there are more then two people with the same focus and spirit is called in their is a much deeper energy created then can be done alone.

I am grateful to be connected to that energy again.  Sometimes I just need a boost and I get running smoothly again.  I am getting right with myself again.

Getting right with Myself

So I pulled out my coffee maker today.

A definite sign that I am back in active addiction.  Not to mention that I am high as a kite too and its only 9 am on a Sunday ...But its Easter Sunday and thats a holiday for celebration.... so its all good right?

The true proof though that I am back in the cycle of obsession is that connection with the dealer and the fact I smoked when I didn't even want to.  Compulsion reared its ugly head.  Game on.

The power of denial amazes me beyond any magic I could conjure.  I have been living in such a deep hole in my street kinda pit of denial these past few months.  I overeat like its my new normalcy now.  I am back up to the two helpings of food even when I am stuffed already.  I have traded water for coffee, veggies for sugar.   These are warning flags in my world that I am not dealing with something.   I know this and have for a very long time.  Yet I am back to wake and bake status.  Did I miss something?

Denial.  I had it all under control.  I was super tired from over working and there for it was okay to eat like shit.  I had no time or energy to shop and prep properly.  Those were my excuses even though i knew that if i ate well i would have more energy.  I was already caught though in a resentment.  And the resentment had already trapped me into denial.  Fucking sneaky bugger!

My addiction always progresses then into chasing the unattainable guy.  I have analyzed this one so much I am sick to death from it.  I don't know what it is that draws me to guys, I don't know what it is I want but I do know that I obsess like crazy about them once my mind has been turned in that direction.  And again I knew at this point that I was really hiding from something now not only in my emotions but also in my mind. With Food I am compulsive but with guys I am obsessive.  I cant be compulsive with guys... its the game that hooks me, thats the high.

When i get to this point I always know its a huge huge turning point in my addiction.  I cant play dirty.  I just cant.  It, I now realize builds a resentment with my own self.  I turn the original emotional upset inward.  Fucking around with guys is like taking fists to my own face, it's a ridiculous pain to endure.

When I was working a program of recovery this would be the place I stopped.  I would have a clear enough mind to understand a resentment needs to be dealt with or a feeling needs to be expressed.  I would see or be shown very quickly by people who can spot my demise, the pain I was heading into and the people I was hurting.

But I am not working a program.  I havent been since the winter when overwhelm set in.  When I know now I was suppose to ask for help.  The guilt and shame of the 'know betters' are threatening to drown me if I don't shake them off and refocus.

 I have to refocus.

Because I have now progressed into drinking a bottle of wine like its a cup of coffee. I inhale doobies like they are my new food.  It's 9 am and the dope was more important then breakfast.  Denial is fading.   Its no longer needed I am hooked back in.

 I know where I go from here.  I know what my next step looks like if I dont get right with myself.  My next step isnt a step at all... its a fall from a skyscraper, out of the pent house apartment where I just spent a ravishing three days with complete strangers and crystal of the wrong kind.

I don't need to ask how I got back here.  I need to ask how the fuck do I get out of here.  I asked for Spiritual guidance last night.  Clearing my resentments is the first step.  I gotta get some shit off my shoulders.
I have stopped talking to my friends, clammed up as tight as an oyster shell.  I need to open up again.  Always difficult to get vulnerable with the people closest to you, or at least thats my challenge right now.

..'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom' --Anais Nin

I am in pain.  I am ready to make the change that was too painful to make a few months ago.  I am ready to get honest again and express my feelings in truth.   Who am I kidding I am not fucking ready.  I dont even want to quit, I like smoking again.  I am not ready to get honest.  But if I dont I will not head into the light and to a great future I can already see clearly.

 I gotta get right with myself.  I gotta reconnect to my higher purpose.

Self Definition Outside the Rat Race

Learning who I am has truly got to be one of the most fun and hardest things I have experienced yet thus far in my life.  Redefining what works with my new belief systems and energy vibrations is naturally a process of trial error.

I recently posted about obsession and addiction.  Upon rereading what I wrote several times I found the information to be inaccurate.  For me anyways.  A dark story that I am still choosing to frequent.  In my course on Hypnosis I am learning that we create our own reality naturally through the thoughts we choose to focus on.  When I left the twelve step fellowship it was because I refused to continually focus on addiction and labeling myself as an addict. I stopped watching TV because I was tired of feeling less then.  I stopped listening to top 40 radio because I was sick of the Co-dependent theme in Love songs.

 I am not an addict.  I am not ugly.  I don't need a man to feel whole.

Yet,  I am a person that had shady boundaries and didn't know her own limits.  I have learned recently from a new friend the concept of limits.  Everyone has limits and learning them is imperative to self care.   I didn't know my limits for a very long time, so I easily crossed them.  There are obviously other things involved in my addictive habits concerning my higher power and filling a void but I wish to focus more on knowing thyself in this post.

I have many friends who have struggled with over indulgence and crossing their lines, who have found a new  way to live.  Friends who found themselves and learned where to draw their lines.  It is those friends that inspire me to keep on the path of self discovery and not the one found in indoctrination.   I am not fighting a system here or even myself, I am just flowing with what feels right within me.

I know my limits now where many distributive behaviors are concerned.  I only know this limit from walking the edge and pushing up against my boundaries to know what feels good and what doesn't.  Feeling has become very acute in me lately.  I find I am sensitive to more then just my limits.  I find there are many activities I can no longer tolerate that once were thought to be my favorites.  I am only learning this because I have gone out and experienced the activity.   I am definitely a hands on type of girl who needs to experience everything in order to understand it.  Again something new I have learned about myself.

So why all the self discovery now at this late stage of the game?  I had this conversation with my youngest daughter the other day.  She was talking about all the girls in 8th grade that are dating.  She was kinda disgusted by it.  I am disgusted by it for a whole different reason.  I know where it leads.

Girls who get involved with learning their boyfriends before learning themselves is a detrimental thing.  At that ripe age you must learn yourself first.  Its during those formative years that you learn your limits and boundaries.  What feels right for you and what doesn't.  When one spends her focus learning what her boyfriend likes and doesn't, she loses herself or at the very least the opportunity to learn herself.   When she does get around to learning herself it is only in reference to him.  Everything she discovers about herself is through his eyes or it is in direct relation to how she effects him.  She never learns her own separate identity.  Until the day comes that she awakens and realizes she has completely lost herself and does not like who she is.

I was there.

I woke up at that midlife point and thought... how the fuck did I get here.  I never wanted the life I was living at that point. I had lost all my dreams and passions, or better said hadn't found them yet.  A girl can wait till midlife to learn or she might cycling through a few partners before realizing that she still has no idea who she is and what her limits and boundaries are.  Always thinking its the partner she is with that makes her unhappy.  Not realizing the truth that its her own innate knowing that she is lost that is causing the unhappiness.

I am finally learning who I am and what my limits are. I am happy.   I am finally learning to stand on my own two feet without having to lean on 'him'.  I know now that I can have a glass of wine without drinking the entire bottle.  Why?  Because I don't want the hangover. I don't want the headache of a needy guy.   I have a solid foundation in a spirituality that fills my void now.  I also have walked the edge again recently and I was reminded of how painful a life of darkness is.  I am too happy and in love with who I am to fall into that again.  I also know that I don't need a program to tell me how to think anymore.  I trust my own greater then consciousness to guide me through life.

Learning to manage your own thoughts is the key to a successful and happy reality.  As I learn to focus on what I do want instead of what I don't,  my life is blooming in a way I never thought possible before.  Because I couldn't see it when I was trapped in my past.  I couldn't see it when I was trapped in a relationship.  I couldn't see it when I was trapped in a group telling me how to live.

I got out of the rat race and started listening to my own inner guidance.  I trust myself.   That has been the toughest lesson to learn.... to trust myself.

.....and now I am ready to get drunk and find me a good ol man!   lol

Completely joking!!  Kinda.......

The View from My wHole

Do I have a story for you babe!  Its a good one, full of deceit, obsession and addiction re-spun. 

 It's of course one you probably don't want to hear.  I cheated on you love, in all the ways a healthy relationship cannot vibrate at.  Hence why I have been so quiet and when I have come for a visit here with you, its been to spew healthy advice.  

Distraction, deceit at its finest.   But you knew all this time, didn't you love? 

So I guess I best begin before I have 18 web pages of drama balled up in what was to be a nice crochet square.  A poem I read recently, by Portia Nelson, best describes my current journey..

Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street. 

Well there you have it.  My knotted ball of yarn with a crochet hook stuck in chapter 3.   

Well.....She said it best and that's all she wrote,

 Moving on....

Talk to you again next week Love.

Oh.

Fine.

 I will share the story, but know that I don't wanna. 

 Living in guilt and shame does nobody any good.   Expressing the anger at myself for falling into that fucking hole again is necessary for me to move on.  This is a lesson I have learned from past falls. Many, Many of them.    Holding my anger in does nothing more then infect all those around me.

From my anger I already cannot stand to be around people.

 I have Zero tolerance for lies, deceit and bullshit.  Because lets be honest its what I just spent the last couple of months drowning my own self in.   I can see it acutely clear in others because they are my living mirror.  I cannot be around that lest I continually trigger my own need to stay in obsession and darkness.

My anger is causing my kids to act out with mean words to each other.

My kids always feel in themselves whats going on within me.  I have always know this and have removed myself from them physically when I cannot get my shit under control.  I cannot remove myself any longer...... but I have the tools now to fix my disruptive energy.

Writing it out here is my tool. Coming to talk to you my Love, is my tool.

 In the past I have bounced a bit over the idea that dumping my bullshit is a dirty action and moving right into the fluffy feeling is the way to go.  I have separated the process and done only bits and pieces to see what works and what feels right.   But,   I have come to understand to effectively share a process you have been through recently is to already have a solution to your own problem.

In the meetings I attend.  I used to spin white light on my situations in a false fashion as a people pleasing tactic.   That's not a positive message as people feel the under current of my bullshit, as do my kids right now with my anger.  However the person who moves past people pleasing and just spews their anger and leaves it at that, infects all those people in the room with their venom.  Leaving everyone again in a negative place. I have been doing that recently.

I have done both those things here in these letters to you Love.

And you have known it... this i know.

Maybe I need to work through the process in private with a trusted friend or mentor(sponsor).  Maybe....Only once I have the solution can I then share it in a fashion that will help me express the feeling and the positive solution at the same time.  Thereby transmuting the negative feeling into something positive??

AH hA!  

And again I am distracting from the original ball of yarn.

See how easy it is for me to seduce myself with words.

How easy it is for my own lack of self honesty and my own inner desire to feed off distractions instead of getting vulnerable and dealing with my shit, lest I live in this fucking hole forever!

......Okay So I am climbing out of my hole.

Yes it is MY hole.  I have gotten very intimate with this hole, spent much time in there.  I know every nook and cranny and have even made friends with the huge spider that lives in the north wall.  I have seen her cycles and watched her spider eggs hatch a thousand babies.  This is my hole and for many years I have called it home.  Much more comfortable in this hole then on the busy street above.

Ya.  That was  long time ago.  I don't like this hole anymore.

I do so love walking in the fresh air and light.  I love bumping into people and getting to know them.  I really do love rushing to work along this street and shopping it on my days off.  I just adore sitting on the bench and listening to the birds sing and watching the dogs play.

Yup I love this street...

 ......except for the big fucking hole in the center of it.

How the fuck did I fall in it again?

Oh right... Portia nailed it... Habit.

I have been sharing lots with people lately.. funny how I am only catching this now as I write.. ....how in order to quit smoking I had to change my entire days routine.

 I share that its not the nicotine that got me the most,  but more the morning smoke with my coffee and the one on break at work.  And the I must must must have one after I eat.... and so on.  I haven't smoked for 7 years now and have never ever looked back.  I don't even refer to myself as an ever been smoker.  Disgusting habit.

How did I quit that so easily and not these other disgusting habits I have?

 I went in for surgery and knew that I would be in the hospital breaking my routine for four days.  It was enough for me to start planning four months ahead of time, preparing my mind for the transition. I would quit then.  I lined my mind up with the break in routine. 

I completely moved to a new street.  Changed absolutely everything in order to quit smoking.

It's time to move to another street in my life again.

The hole I just fell in is the one that starts with the obsession and compulsions of over eating.  In the same moment the obsession to fill the void with romantic love is born and the compulsion to seek out the guys that cannot give it to me is born.   When this last obsession is left to run wild, then soon to follow is the pain numbing drugs.

And this is where I sit Love.

On a ledge along the east side of my familiar hole.  

Almost wondering how I got here but in my heart of wisdom knowing fully what happened. So what I truly sit here with is seething anger at myself for not being stronger and smarter.

Followed in close second by disgust and shame.

Now, neither of those two energies get a person out of a hole so I need to express them and transmute them into something positive so I can take that last step out of the hole.  But before I do that I must run to the store and get an energy sucking coffee.

 I will change streets tomorrow, but for today I will continue to indulge in those things that put me in the hole in the first place..... sex or drugs anyone??   Joking... ?

.....

Okay I am back.  Not high.  Not sexed.  Just blitzed on caffeine.  Did you enjoy the video while I was gone.  Courtney Love gets me.

So how did I fall in the hole again, not Courtney Loves, but my own?  lol  I wonder if one of my male counterparts is asking himself the same thing about my hole?

Sorry distraction.

 I have learned that I am queen of deceit, self and otherwise.  I can talk my way around a hole and convince people that I am not even in the whole...it's just their imagination.  And the real deceit is that I believe that above line so fully that it keeps me spinning my own lies while everyone else has to sit and watch me kamakazi out of control.

Okay so here it is.

I have been switching tracks this past year.  I have started taking a course that has connected me to new people and a new way of life.  I have been shifting and changing and it feels amazing.  I love training to be a hypnotherapist.  It's always been on my path to do.

 When people say find your purpose in life, whats your destiny?    I realize being a healer has always been my calling I just didn't find the avenue that fit me until now.  Since starting this course my life has seeded and shot blooms into areas of my reality I never even knew existed until now.  I have begun to tap my potential and it feels amazing...

And way to scary.

I have been here before.  I have switched streets before.

I went from fat, lazy and no ambition for life..... to a healthy, thriving female once.  In that transition my friends all changed, my career line changed and even my Partner changed.   It was a huge street change in my life.  One that I did not fair well with.  At the height of all this change I panicked and tumbled down from the top of my mountain.  I lost every thing.  My job.  My car.  My marriage.  and even my kids.  Followed by my self respect, and my will to live.  

I have come back from that now.

I am now building a new life and find myself switching tracks yet again.

And the fear is overwhelming.  So much easier to eat, sex and drug then face that kind of fall again.  Its that fall that brought me to drugs.  Before that food was sufficient enough to keep me asleep and in ignorance to my life's goals and paths.  After that awakening food could no longer do it.

I am escalating in the ways I force myself off path.  I am allowing my obsessions to keep me distracted from what my true potential is in life.  I feed myself all these lies that I need the object of my obsession before I can move forward.  When in truth its the fear of taking responsibility for my dreams and feeling that I cant do it alone.

 Its fear that feeds the lies, the obsession and leads to the compulsions.

My hole is fear.

I fear my own light.

I fear shifting paths and leaving behind those people, situations and objects that choose not to come with me or who's paths are not along side mine.  Its not comfortable to leave behind those things even if the new experiences catapult you into greater feelings of love and bliss.

Quitting smoking was awesome.  Getting fit was even better.  Not being interested in socializing with the smokers as they went outside every five minutes was kinda lonely.  Not having anything in common with my husband anymore was heart wrenching.  But feeling good about myself and in my own skin was amazing and well worth the changes that I had to go through.

So now transmuting my anger that has been unearthed as fear into something more positive is to shift my thoughts and awareness.  I have been caught in the focus of what I will lose if I keep building.   When in reality if I were to focus on what I am building only, then there will be no falling back in the hole because I would change streets without even realizing it.  

There is a bible saying somewhere, where Jesus advises the people keep their eyes on him.  Always keep your eyes on what you want, what brings you love.  Thus the distractions will not take you down the back alleys and into the hole you have made a habit of falling into.

So today I am refocused and back on track.  I am riding my bike again which means for me head clearing time and positive body movement.  Which always leads to eating properly and filling myself up with clean energy.  Which strengthens my resolve to not play with the boys that will not satisfy my desires anyways and therefor not cause the spin into drugs.   So if i am not in that negative, angry shameful place, where will I be?  

In the place of growth, higher energy vibrations, increased frequencies.  Drawing new experiences and people into my world and starting to live the life I have always imagined for myself.  On stage and in private practice, motivating and supporting positive change in people willing to do the work.

So My love, do you forgive me?

You are my focus.  My one and only.  It is you that gets me through, it is you that is healthy for me.  for you are an extension of me.  Love, I am You.  It will only be me that gets me through.

Chakra Care: Easy Path To Your Desires

Whew!  It's been a few days since I have come and hung out with you Love.  Did you miss me?  Were you worried about me?  Worried that I might have gone off the deep end again, gotten to wrapped up in a dark story?

Nah, none of the above.  Just didn't really have anything to write about and was too busy in my mind working through some other things.  Wait actually that is a bit of a lie, I was working through a dark story.  I guess I didn't care to air my dirty laundry here.  lol  Growth or dignity?  Ahhhh, well whatever it is the lesson that has come out of it is what I do want to tell you about.

Self Care, Energy and Chakra's.

 I have played in the realm of self care many times in my letters to you, as well as Energy.  I find the more deeply aware of these two things I become naturally the more I notice how much goes into the care of myself.  I also notice how very few people around me truly know how to take care of themselves and if they do know, how many choose to abuse themselves.

I included in that list.

So here is once again my guidelines for myself on self care and energy.  I am going to work with each chakra this time as it gives me a more solid focal point to tie in my self care regime.

The Root Chakra which sits at the base of your spine and spins red.  Is the first of seven energy vortexs in your body.  When I first began working with the charkra I spent much time visualizing them spinning fast and clear.  Very little time working on the inner issues that caused the chakras to be slow and muddy in the first place.

This first Chakra deals with our sense of security.  Security ranging from paying our bills on time, to having a home that brings us joy, to letting go of our fears.  It includes relationships that we feel safe in and keeping ourselves grounded deeply into mother earth.   Fueling our bodies properly and working them right falls into this Chakra as well.

I have let my self care slip in way of paying my bills on time.  I always, always have extra money at the end of the month. Always.  No matter what my paycheck is my mindset is that of financial abundance and therefor I always have what I need when I need it.  My fear of being broke has crept up and now two energy self care sucking vampires have lodged themselves into my root chakra.

How and why?  It's easy for me to see.

 The most simplistic task of feeding my body and working it properly has slipped into oblivion.

With that sickness that plagued me for well over six weeks I was unable to move my body physically without coughing up a lung and depression set in fairly quickly.  Anger at my body for betraying me and showing weakness I punished her by eating ridiculously dead energy foods.

The battle between me and my body still rages I see now.  My body betrayed me much when I was a child, I lack very little trust in her and my relationship is far from safe.  Its a damn good thing I am training to be a hypnotherapist and learning to live in the Now and let the past be where it is suppose to....dead energy long gone.

Awareness is all I need to heal a life long ailment.

Taking care of my physical body is the root of all the other energy drains in my life.  Healing my relationship with her is now my first step.  Getting my bills back on track will help raise my mindset about money along with some affirmations.  I have been grounding more this past week and because of that I am here connecting with you again Love.  So moving on...

Sacral Chakra is about relationships family, friends and romantic ones.  Its about sexuality and creativity.  It's my cauldron center, where my desires are born.  The place I feel joy and pleasure.  Having fallen victim to my addictive unhealthy pleasures in the recent past I still play in the dark stories this has created for me.

The difference between the dark story and the light:  Dark.... relationships are formed to benefit me or the other in someway.  Desires are for instant gratification and ego.  Joy and happiness is sought outside myself.  Light...... Relationships are a connection to my higher power and an extension of myself.  Desires are deep and primal passions for the purpose of my life.  Joy and happiness are always in my heart and called upon easily at will.

With the abuse of my body through over eating and consciously eating toxins I have craved other things to lift my spirits and raise my energy.  I have sought outside myself physical comforts and let my instant gratification and need for connection become dirty and tainted.  As I say this it sounds harsh, yet I know in my heart that I am just clearing away the last of a lower vibration that has been with me for a very long time.  I didn't go to the darkest places of my imagination as I have experienced before.  Only skirted them.

Solar Plexus is a place of our own personal power, located right below our rib cage.  Our connection to ourselves, our self love and confidence lives here.  It is because of all the work I have done on myself that this Chakra stays balanced through this little bout of unbalance in my life.  My confidence and my inner knowing that I am walking the light road is what pulls me through the last remnants of  my dark stories.  This is the core of who I am.  In the negative this is one of egotism and narcissism.   I can definitely border on that, a few people tell me to get over myself when they are in a negative place or I am skirting some dark desires.

The fourth Chakra is that of the heart and where we feel the deepest sense of love and compassion.  When I abuse my body I lose connection with my heart.  Self care is the first thing, when ignored, that is felt in the heart chakra for me.  I will often hear myself saying... I can't feel my heart, I am out of love.  where did the Love go?  ....

 With this recent vibration shift I learned a deep truth.  If I harm myself by not taking the best care of myself I am not in Love.  I can only feel Love when I do kind and gentle things for myself.  The more self care I give myself the more Love I experience.

Learning what self care I need has been the fun part about learning myself these past few years.  I love meditation.  Riding my bike through the trails. Blogging.  Reading anything on the mind and levels of consciousness.  I love walnuts, I feel amazing after a handful.  I need to cuddle with my daughter at least once a day..... the list goes on and on.  Self care brings back my Love

The throat chakra.... probably the toughest energy to work with for me.  Expression.  Communication.  Truth.  I have been working on this one the deepest for all my life.  This past illness showed me that I still have ample work here if I want to find joy in my lifes path.  Being unable to breath without coughing, or being plugged up.  My throat was the place everything had to pass through.   Self care in this category is about  speaking your truth in the moment.  Telling people what you need when you need it.  I asked for a holiday back in September and never got it until I got very sick in Febuary.

Feelings come through your throat.  They come up from your stomach, your sacral chakra, to your throat to be expressed.  Arts and crafts, music and poetry, dance and fashion are all outlets for your feelings.  Creativity is not an option or a luxury in life, why do you think they teach it in elementary... its a release to your feelings.

 The dark story release is the one where you spew your bullshit words all over hostages.  Pelting them with your negative energy, your words like daggers.  Afterwords you feel better but the negative energy is now seeking... you just spread your toxic venom like a plague... good on ya!

I have done that many times.

The Sixth Chakra is the third eye chakra and the one that I am in school learning how to encourage others to develop.  Connection to your thoughts, actions.... your mind.  It's where you visualize and meet you greater then consciousness.. that loving voice inside you that creates whatever your mind thinks and your feelings fuel. This is the power center of manifesting your desires.

One huge awareness here for me recently.... the stronger this energy center becomes the more powerful you become at creating what you want.  This energy does not and I repeat again does NOT decipher a light story from a dark one.  When I am unbalanced in the base chakra the root of all my chakra's it is the third eye chakra that will manifest that unbalance in the outside world.

If I am craving sex and fatty foods... my greater then consciousness will bring those to me in abundance.  It amuses me watching the drug addict always find the means to get more dope...expensive dope.  How is that possible?  Because they manifest it to them through their third eye.  The desire...thoughts and feelings are so raw and real for them that their consciousness provides it. The opportunities for crime and dirty money become abundant for them.

 People that are that raw and real for their goals to become something also manifest the rags to riches stories.
Understanding that this power center truly just creates what it is you want, you realize that the power has always resided within you.  There is not an outside influence, just you and the experiences you create with your own desires.  This is why it is so important to learn to manage your thoughts and feelings... select them like you do your clothes everyday.

The last chakra or energy center is your connection to the divine.  Unity consciousness.  Your belief in something spiritual that fills your body with light and connection to all that is.  It really matters not what path you take, what your belief is or who you pray to.  Your connection to a star of your choice to help you understand that we are all connected, we are all one and the same energy and we all are in this together.  It is that knowing that removes the feelings of abandonment, separation and loneliness.  To open this chakra and let in the energy of connection is the greatest and fastest way to heal all your other chakra's.

There I said it all Love.  Hopefully this time writing it all out, I will actually stay in a place of self care and love and really work at not abusing myself in anyway.  Living in the Now I think is truly the key.  Knowing without a doubt that there is no past.  It is gone.  Letting feelings come back to haunt me serve no purpose in my present and only create fear for my future.  Being in this moment my connection to the divine walks me through what needs to be released in the moment, I no longer need to go digging.  I understand that I can let go as easily as deciding to do so, there does not need to be two years of therapy as was programmed into us to believe.

So My love I shed the dark stories that have been holding me hostage and I move back into the light with Love and grace and an abundance of gratitude.  And truly an overwhelming amount of joy at the realization of how fun this game of life is.

Inner Soul Cleansing

Oh Love,

Do you ever wonder why when you are feeling really awesome people easily flock into your energy field.  Do you notice that when your feeling down people try to avoid you like the plague?   Are you aware of that?   As I forcefully cough out a lung I am going to conclude that I am on the mend.  How do I know this?   Because people are coming around me again.

I have learned so much more about how unlimited the concept is of what we put out to the universe comes back to us threefold among this past 6 weeks of illness.  I have been working on the art of manifestation beyond ten years now and I still conceive there is a whole galaxy of infinite understanding to expand on.

It was two months ago that I was flying high in an amazing energy rush of light, love and happiness.  My meditations were easily reaching realms I had never experienced before and could scarcely understand.  Naturally, it was awesome!  Then I asked my guides to prepare my mind and body for unlimited energy frequencies.  I speculate I got greedy, maybe I asked for too much too soon, the next thing I notice I beleive I am dropped into a very dense third dimensional sickness.

I  felt lost, abandoned and utterly incapable of bringing myself out of this illness.   That lack of control over what was happening to my body was a spiraling factor for me. Obviously, I had not yet discovered that I could react to the changes anyway I chose to but I could not stop or change the changes themselves.  I could not change them cause I had been the one that asked for them.

I perceive, there are truly many layers to my illness in the spiritual realm and there are many very mundane simple peels to it as well.  I love my unlimited reality of excitement and inner (safe) drama so I always choose to naturally focus on the more deep complex reasons for something.

Now I understand that on the mundane level I had the flu turned cold and continued into a bronchial infection.  These illness's mean that I gave into mass societal negativity and was unable to open myself to new thoughts and beliefs and  effectively closed myself off to all flows of energy.   This interpretation truly fits with where I am at in my life because the course I am taking is easily busting open all the ways we continue to be lead as people by the masses.  My awareness has brought it into me and for a time I began to assimilate and consider it for myself.

I repeated that fourth dimensional train of thought for six weeks.  I couldn't get out of it even though I understood what was happening and even what I had to do.  I worked affirmations and had treatments done, powered up on vitamins and herbs.  Still today I am hacking out what feels like my entire internal workings.  Why?

I conclude I am effectively beginning to understand what it means to go with the flow.  I feel I am beginning to expand my awareness through my acceptance, that the only thing I can change is how I react to things.  In the moment, we create with our minds yet those creations do not expand and manifest instantly.  For the most part.  So when a thought from before expands and comes naturally whirling back to us in a form of an experience we only hold power in how to react to it.

I need to contemplate here for my own understanding,  this is all new stuff coming out of my mind.  I speculate my higher conscious is working me through this!  I asked for my body and mind to be able to naturally resonate and hold an unlimited higher frequency of love.  Dear, you have known me for many years, you know that I have a very hard time staying among that love frequency.  Its like my mind cannot assume it for longer then three months.  So by asking for this energy expansion two months ago I must accept the process that is happening within if I wish for it to go smoothly.

I am aware I have not been reacting in kind fashion.  I have been so focused on fourth dimensional love which is the place I struggle to get beyond. I imagine I can only hold it for a short period of time because its a love that is conditional.  I made myself sick by allowing myself to easily get to wrapped up in societal trance.  Thats fourth dimensional thought and experience, it is truly limited.

This is what I conclude from my own meditations, its among my own experience and yours may be much different then this.  I don't pretend to know what your reality expands beyond, sweetheart.

Currently with the help of a beautiful teacher I have in my life I was able to easily step away from that fourth dimension energy and move into the fifth more unlimited, unconditional love vibration.  I realize I am not sick because of society, I am sick because I asked to be cleared of the things in my mind holding me back from truly loving myself and others at a higher frequency then what I was able to in the past.  My forceful coughs are physical purging actions my body needs to go through in order to expel the toxic energy that resides in me and no longer fits with my vibration.

This highest understanding has helped me to actually encourage the coughing fits to continue to the point of puking because with each fit a bit more unconditional love spews out of me clearing space for a new higher energy to take up space there.

I also just became aware of what vibrations and frequencies really are in our bodies.  They are our feelings.  I have spent the past year working diligently on identifying my feelings and understanding them.  I naturally moved into raising my vibrations without truly understanding that I was taking my feelings to a whole new level.  To be stuck in the third dimensional energy is to block your feelings.  To move into fourth is to uncover them and give them expression yet with conditions.  I truly believe as I move into fifth dimensional vibration its to let them flow knowing they are always from a place of love even if they are perceived in duality to be on the more negative spectrum.

Each one of us frequents a vibration whether its something we understand or not.  We all have the path we choose to walk to self understanding and self love.  I have walked many paths before and all of them say the same thing as I understand now.  I am grateful that we have so many ways to proceed in order to learn to love ourselves.

So my love, here is to me vibrating a higher frequency and sending that love to you in pulses!  Until next time...

Images by http://innersoultech.com/

From Chest Infection to The Breath of Life

Oh Love,

 I have battled this cold for over five weeks now.  Yesterday went back to the Dr's and found out it has turned into a chest infection.

Now I cannot stress enough the fact that I never get sick.  Truly I am a healthy active female that takes good care of her health and has a very strong mind when manifesting what I want.  When I feel a sickness lurking in the corners of my energy field I am quick to move my mind away from it.

So how did this one get full access too my life?

Well there is the obvious mundane reasons and their are the deeper spiritual meanings which ones do you want me to spoon in first?

Of course I always eat my desert before my dinner.  Spiritual meaning first.

Chest infection:  hard time breathing:  The breath of life.  This chest infection is restricting my intake of life.

With all the new beliefs I have been entertaining and all the old vibrations shifting out of my life I am  bit of a mess.  I never handle any kind of change with grace.  It doesn't matter if I actively invite the change in.  It doesn't matter if I have been preparing for this change my entire life.  I still kick scream, bite, piss and moan with the theatrics of a toddler in a grocery store.  That is what my chest infection is really about.

My fear of moving into something new and totally foreign to me.  Something exciting and exhilarating.  Moving into new divine energy.  New beliefs.  New situations.  New friends.  Everything around me is so new and exciting.  Its seems only totally natural to go and stick my head in the sand with my legs knocking at the knee's.   Right?

This is how I roll sweetheart, always has been.  Looking back at the past, I see where I have actually kept my head in the sand long enough that the newness passed me by and when I emerged my life was the comfortable old again.  Man, the disappointment in myself in those times was terrible.  I had to wait for the turn of another cycle before I could get the chance again to experience something new and great.

Well here my change is again and I am falling into old habits of running and hiding.  Why do I do that?  It seems so ludicrous doesn't it?

Well in fairness to myself, cause I am human and prefer to be such today, and I am learning to love myself and all my crazy sniffing sand antics... I am aware of it this time.  I believe that being self aware is the first step in truly awakening to all that is.  I am aware in the middle of my cowardly way and now have the chance to change it and flow with the breath of life.

In asking my Greater the consciousness for guidance on rectifying my chest infection I was lead to all the ways I have let my body become deficient in nutrients.  I was kinda shocked to realize I have not been getting nearly enough vitamins lately.  I have been queen of healthy eating for so long that I became complacent and let my fruit and veggie intake slip away to nothing, replaced by sugars and starches.  I knew I was eating more junk but that didn't bother me except that it hid the fact I was starting to replace and not just compliment my nutrition.  Life is about moderation and balance.  Lost my balance in this area.

So I have been taking massive doses of Vitamin C to get the antioxidants I need.  Large doses of Vitamin D as the sun as been all but present and from my summer in the sun days my body is definitely freaking out a bit.  I am on a multi vitamin and a schwack of other health boosting fast acting herbs to jump start my system.  Loaded up on the active enzymes in fresh fruits and veggies and already I am starting the feel my body begin to ease back into comfort.

Learning to live in this world with this body as well as reach new heights in my mind and consciousness is the

new divine path I am working through.  Learning anything new has its challenges and its lessons.  This is one that even though I am still in the middle of I am fairly confident I will pass with flying colors.

I hope you are well Love.  Sending you my new developing vibrations where ever you are in the world.

What You Think, You Are.

What we put our focus on persists.  This I have been learning in my Hypnotherapy course.  I say learning but really it has brought an awareness to an experience I have already had many times over.

I am sick with a terrible cold.  I have had this cold for well over three weeks.  I never gets colds or flu's, or better said I never allow myself to get sick.  So I have been kinda head scratching as to why I have let this one get so out of control.  I know the power of the mind and I fully take responsibility for my part in this cold developing as such.

Every morning I wake up my first thought is.... oh this stupid cold is still here.   When I go to bed my last thought of the day is... I hope this cold will let me sleep.  Through out the day My thoughts are... I hate my job and I am feeling sick so I should go home and rest.

All day long I am putting my attention on my cold.  I have learned in the past whatever I put my attention on grows.  When I used to be in weight loss kicks and I put my attention on not gaining weight I always seemed to plateau the scale.  It took me a very long time to move my attention away from weight loss and put it towards loving my body as it is and letting the magic of Love take the weight off.  Instead of the self loathing of eating the wrong foods.

It has always been easy to focus my attention in a positive manner where my work is concerned.  I am an ambitious woman so I am always thinking about my next step.  My careers have always moved at a rapid fire pace.  I say careers cause I am always changing them.   lol  But even in this area recently I have slowed down.  I am in  job I don't so much like anymore.  However I have a 3 year game plan that will put me into the career of my dreams and for that I am trying to be excited.

It's not working though because my thoughts are in the present moment and in this moment I am not happy with where my life is.  So how do I change my thoughts around so that I can turn this cold around?

This is the field I want to master my life's work in, I had better start working on mastering it in myself first.  Change your thoughts.  Change your life.  The point of Power is NOW.   Those are two fundamental truths that I do fully accept yet am struggling to practice.

I want to dive head first into a sob story about why I am keeping myself sick and all the human trauma's that I have endured that make it acceptable for me to play in a puddle of pity.  Although its not becoming of me anymore.  We are not sad stories meant to be rehashed over and over again.  We have incredible personalities and gifts born out of our experiences through life.  I am grateful today for my experiences, all of them.  I am who I am today because of each and every one of those good times and bad times of my past and to be fully truthful, I really do love who I am becoming.  So no sob story here.

What we put focus on manifests.  Simple.

We live in a universe that reacts to our thoughts.  Change your thoughts and your outer world follows suit.  It's time that my thoughts become healthy and loving again.   How am I going to do this?

Before I even open my eye's in the morning I pattern my first thought around something I want to manifest in my life.  When I go to bed at night my last thoughts are of excitement over that manifestation already starting to develop.  I make sure somewhere in my day I take an active step towards what I want to manifest.  I go into silence Twice a day morning and night and take myself through a deep visualization of what it is I want to achieve.  That is the way I change my thoughts around.

When I look back at all the things I have manifested in my life, it has only been through my continued attention that made them manifest in a way that I wanted them too.  Lots of the times when they did manifest I realized it wasn't what I wanted, but that was part of the process of getting to know myself.  Today i manifest from a deep place of relaxation that I have been able to achieve through practiced meditation.  To work with ones own mind it takes practice and discipline.  The mind is like that of a 13 year old girl....easily distracted and sometimes entirely stubborn.

I share this with you my Love only to remind myself of the actions I need to take to finally get over this cold once and for all.  So send me love and well wishes for full Health the next time I come over for a chat.  As always I love you!