Self Definition Outside the Rat Race

Learning who I am has truly got to be one of the most fun and hardest things I have experienced yet thus far in my life.  Redefining what works with my new belief systems and energy vibrations is naturally a process of trial error.

I recently posted about obsession and addiction.  Upon rereading what I wrote several times I found the information to be inaccurate.  For me anyways.  A dark story that I am still choosing to frequent.  In my course on Hypnosis I am learning that we create our own reality naturally through the thoughts we choose to focus on.  When I left the twelve step fellowship it was because I refused to continually focus on addiction and labeling myself as an addict. I stopped watching TV because I was tired of feeling less then.  I stopped listening to top 40 radio because I was sick of the Co-dependent theme in Love songs.

 I am not an addict.  I am not ugly.  I don't need a man to feel whole.

Yet,  I am a person that had shady boundaries and didn't know her own limits.  I have learned recently from a new friend the concept of limits.  Everyone has limits and learning them is imperative to self care.   I didn't know my limits for a very long time, so I easily crossed them.  There are obviously other things involved in my addictive habits concerning my higher power and filling a void but I wish to focus more on knowing thyself in this post.

I have many friends who have struggled with over indulgence and crossing their lines, who have found a new  way to live.  Friends who found themselves and learned where to draw their lines.  It is those friends that inspire me to keep on the path of self discovery and not the one found in indoctrination.   I am not fighting a system here or even myself, I am just flowing with what feels right within me.

I know my limits now where many distributive behaviors are concerned.  I only know this limit from walking the edge and pushing up against my boundaries to know what feels good and what doesn't.  Feeling has become very acute in me lately.  I find I am sensitive to more then just my limits.  I find there are many activities I can no longer tolerate that once were thought to be my favorites.  I am only learning this because I have gone out and experienced the activity.   I am definitely a hands on type of girl who needs to experience everything in order to understand it.  Again something new I have learned about myself.

So why all the self discovery now at this late stage of the game?  I had this conversation with my youngest daughter the other day.  She was talking about all the girls in 8th grade that are dating.  She was kinda disgusted by it.  I am disgusted by it for a whole different reason.  I know where it leads.

Girls who get involved with learning their boyfriends before learning themselves is a detrimental thing.  At that ripe age you must learn yourself first.  Its during those formative years that you learn your limits and boundaries.  What feels right for you and what doesn't.  When one spends her focus learning what her boyfriend likes and doesn't, she loses herself or at the very least the opportunity to learn herself.   When she does get around to learning herself it is only in reference to him.  Everything she discovers about herself is through his eyes or it is in direct relation to how she effects him.  She never learns her own separate identity.  Until the day comes that she awakens and realizes she has completely lost herself and does not like who she is.

I was there.

I woke up at that midlife point and thought... how the fuck did I get here.  I never wanted the life I was living at that point. I had lost all my dreams and passions, or better said hadn't found them yet.  A girl can wait till midlife to learn or she might cycling through a few partners before realizing that she still has no idea who she is and what her limits and boundaries are.  Always thinking its the partner she is with that makes her unhappy.  Not realizing the truth that its her own innate knowing that she is lost that is causing the unhappiness.

I am finally learning who I am and what my limits are. I am happy.   I am finally learning to stand on my own two feet without having to lean on 'him'.  I know now that I can have a glass of wine without drinking the entire bottle.  Why?  Because I don't want the hangover. I don't want the headache of a needy guy.   I have a solid foundation in a spirituality that fills my void now.  I also have walked the edge again recently and I was reminded of how painful a life of darkness is.  I am too happy and in love with who I am to fall into that again.  I also know that I don't need a program to tell me how to think anymore.  I trust my own greater then consciousness to guide me through life.

Learning to manage your own thoughts is the key to a successful and happy reality.  As I learn to focus on what I do want instead of what I don't,  my life is blooming in a way I never thought possible before.  Because I couldn't see it when I was trapped in my past.  I couldn't see it when I was trapped in a relationship.  I couldn't see it when I was trapped in a group telling me how to live.

I got out of the rat race and started listening to my own inner guidance.  I trust myself.   That has been the toughest lesson to learn.... to trust myself.

.....and now I am ready to get drunk and find me a good ol man!   lol

Completely joking!!  Kinda.......