Overwhelm. Complete overwhelm. Crash and burn sisters.
I have this pattern I am working through without the help of prescription drugs and that is the managing the lows that always follow the highs. When I was street medicating I would switch up my weed for some Jib when my lows got to low and vice versa when my highs got to high.
I have went into hibernation to reconnect with my spirit and seek the answers I need in order to understand how I ended up in complete crash overwhelm in the first place. I am always so grateful for this blog because it was here that I found my answer.
Several posts ago I wrote a few posts about self care and relapse. I am always aware of self care being a highly important part of maintaining my equilibrium. Aware that is until life gets going really good and I forget the little things that got me there.
I went back into my blog and pasted an entire entry here for you to reference and for me to remind myself of what I need to do. I think I will go back to that time in my blog and study a few more posts, like the stages of relapse too. This one that I included here is called, 'Take care off yourself Like No one else Can'.
In the past two days my spirit has shown me how Christmas was the first step in my self care slide. I stopped working out. I stopped eating properly. Xmas has a way of allowing one to slip in these area's and the mind not feel its effects immediately due to all the outside excitement in the world. After Christmas I still had my son which kept me from paying my bills so I had extra money for groceries. Allowances slipped and I pushed all things financial under the rug. Huge no no for me in the self care area.
I see now how much the budgeting thing for me is a very large trigger in setting me off in another direction. I have a very deep fear of being back living in my car and not being able to take care of my kids. Even though having survived that I understand on a level unknown to me that I will always be taken care of and life will always right itself. I just don't want to go there today. lol
Once I stop all the self care tricks in my life that's when I begin to seek outside influences to balance me and and calm me. I got to high from the energy of xmas, my son and the new course I am expanding into that I couldn't come down from. My mind then does one of two things.... it seeks its own high or it crashes.
I sought my own high this weekend and today I am coming out of my crash. Again I want to be all dramatic about it, but I am pretty okay with the whole process. I needed these two days to reconnect and figure out where I got off track. My off track these days is so positive compared to where I once got off the track. The two day breather allowed me to take a break from my course. I took break from all my relationships. I took a break from the outside world. Everyone I think should be taking breaks sometimes, do you not get overwhelmed over Christmas?
I am going to leave you with that as my computer threatens to crash as well. This extra reading bellow is from a previous post to remind myself of the things I personally need to do to reground myself. I invite you to explore it and share the ways you also ground into mother earth and this reality.
I would write more but this laptop is also experiencing high volumes of overload and wont stop crashing during this post. A new computer is on my grocery list this weekend. So until next time.... Peace and Love
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So much to write about and not fast enough fingers to keep up with my train yard of thoughts. All week long I think of what I want to share today and by the time I get to today my life has already moved far past that original thought making it obsolete.
My internal personal growth astounds me on a regular basis. When you are ready and open and willing to move ahead in life and you take all the proper steps, things move at the speed of light. That has been my experience anyways. Maybe its because I have been actually learning this for ten plus years now and it is just finally clicking. Truly I am slow learner. Personal growth and spiritual Ascension is a process and maybe I am just finally seeing the results of some hard worked process's.
Whatever, it is what it is and learning to just, be in it, is my lesson for today.
Self care, that's what I want to write out today. Recently I wrote about the stages of relapse, now I need to physically connect to the ways in which self care keep me grounded and healthy.. body, mind and spirit.
There are several points Melody Beatty makes in her self care checklist, not all apply to me so I am only going to focus on what I need in order to stay healthy. I highly encourage anyone on a recovery path of any sort to read a Melody Beatty book her wisdom on getting healthy is second to none.
Maintaining a daily routine is imperative for me. I used to try to make my routine so tight and rigid every detail of the entire day planned, that when it was knocked off balance I was a mess for days. Today I focus on only a few things to keep my days feeling somewhat in my control yet learning to just live life on its terms.
I have a morning practice of meditation. I spend thirty minutes first thing in the morning with myself doing deep breathing exercises. I have learned that I hold my breath when I am stressed and didn't even realize how shallow breathed I was until I began deep breathing. When I take enough oxygen into my system I am less tired and have way more brain power to function. Doing this daily also helps me check in with my current state of being. Some days I can barely focus on one full breath because my mind is so cluttered with stuff and other days I have perfect rhythm and clear mind the entire practice. Learning my states helps me understand when to act on a thought or feeling and when to let go. This is the sole practice that I cannot let go of or my days go out the window. I truly don't know how people function that don't practice daily mediation. In the evening I sit for an hour with my deity in prayer, journal writing and guided meditation. I do a daily gratitude list in the evening, this time is my step ten where I process my day. These two practices are my daily routine that keep me grounded and moving forward, this today is my program.
Setting and achieving daily and long term goals. Constructive planning. Appropriate decision making. These are all things Melody speaks of that come without saying when you are on a healthy path. If these start to slide or you lose focus of these its a warning your not working towards something and we all know if your not moving forward your sliding backwards.
Personal care is another big one for me. I love the feeling of rubbing a nice cream on my body after a shower. I enjoy how sensual it makes me feel when my clothes slide along my skin instead of rubbing against the dry patches on my legs. I like using products that help me to feel pretty and smell nice. Plus a great bath with scented lavender oil makes for a great sleep and rest is key to a healthy lifestyle. I also like dressing to feel good. Eating a nutritious diet is a big one for me as well. When we eat proper portions and follow the Canada food guide our minds and emotions even out and we become balanced within our body. I exercise on a daily basis as well because this gets me out of my head and into my body. Being connected to my body is very important for my overall health as I tend to live from my head.
Setting boundaries, resentment free and accepting my emotions is probably the toughest areas for me. It takes me awhile to recognize a feeling. It takes me a bit of time to work up the courage to set a boundary and once its set and accepted by the other its even harder for me to keep that boundary myself. Knowing what my needs are and then seeking to meet those needs is I think another number one for self care. Its when I ignore my needs that I start to slip into the escapism and the bad behaviours.
Working through feelings of anger have been a recent struggle for me lately. Understanding that attaching a thought to a feeling is not necessary and that is actually the process by which we create the resentment in the first place. I learned that I don't have to be mad at someone in order to work through a feeling of anger. Sometimes we have feelings like we have thoughts that are just random and don't need a tonne of analyzing to work through. ..... That my friends is a huge huge lesson for me! I don't need to act on every feeling just like I don't need to act on every thought.
Connection with people. I am now learning this on a new exciting level. Part of my self care regime is letting my loved ones in, really giving and receiving love from the people closest to me. I never realized how much I can give but how little I allow myself to receive. Being tapped into a higher power I have tonnes of Love in me, that's not an issue, letting people in to love me is. I am pushing my comfort bubble these days and getting more intimate with my children, my close friends and my co-workers. It feels a bit scary but at the same time I can feel the respect and love come off of them towards me and it encourages me to keep going. I had no idea I was not open to love until now.... until I began to feel it.
The last thing on my self care list is... having fun! I have spent such a huge part of my life working so hard on self help perfection strategies that I have lost sight many many times to just enjoy life. We are meant to just be, not to figure out the workings of the universe in one day.... we are here to play and laugh and experience a physical reality. I must keep this fun front and center in my world or I begin to backslide and then seek out the unhealthy ways I used to have fun and well we all know where those ways take us.
Well there you have it... The self care checklist. Moving beyond a program of recovery into a living program of overall health and vibrancy. As the saying goes.... as long as I follow this way I have nothing to Fear. I am truly excited about my jounrey these days and where it might lead. I feel like Forrest Gump, just floating like a feather on a breeze.
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