So who am I?
My story goes way deeper then addiction, much further back. As does all peoples that struggle with an addiction of any kind, drugs, smoking ciggerettes, sugar, sex, internet...... the list is as large as the population that is inflicted by addiction. To me addiction is the way we create illusion or masks to hide behind. To say I am an addict is to hide the true individualistic me, its to morph into a group of support and safety and be able to cocoon away from the world. Truly a wonderful expereince to an infantile being that needs nurturing to be able to grow into the soul potential its destined for.
This is the gratitude I share for the rooms of NA and the twelve step program. As I released all my addictions one by one, food first then smoking shedded away I was only left with sex and drug addiction. For food and smoking I had a weightloss team supporting me, Only seems fitting now that I also need a team supporting me for the sex and drugs. This teaches me how interconnected we all are and how we cannot do any growth process alone. It takes a village to raise one child, and we are all children of this galaxy.
The reason why I point this out first when trying to discover who I am is because I tend to get trapped in the phases of my growth. Identifying myself as an addict limits who I am and sticks me in a place that I could potentially sit forever. I never stood up and said I was a fat girl as I was losing wieght. I was actually taught to not see myself as fat at all, only to imagine who I was inspiring to be. In drug and sex addiction it seems only fitting to do the same thing. I have been seeing myself as a lowlife drug addict instead of seeing myself as the flowering human spirit that I am.
So what does that flowering human spirit look like?
Before the weight loss and the shedding of my addictions I began to embark on a spiritual journey that ignited a passion within me that I never knew exsisted. I fell in love with the Goddess. I began to study astrology. I played with the energies of spirits to create charms and talismens. I studied religions and began to see a much larger picture of life then just the one created in my own closed mind. I dived deeper into my study of tarot cards and increased my ability to read accurately. I became a reiki practitioner. I embraced mediation as a part of my daily life and created a solid relationship with my higher powers.
For 6 years my life went along bumpless and blissful in this state of passionate discovery. During those years I worked at creating internally the life I wanted externally. Soon my manifestations would come to pass and I would land in detox broken and completely shocked. How did I get there??
Looking back now and through watching people go through the same expereinces as me I can see what happens when we ascend. As you move into greater consciousness or become more awake, things of lower energy must be stripped away from your life. Addiction of any kind is of a lower energy, its what keeps you asleep or numb the the realities of who you are... or more positively put, the passions of your heart. Soon I was losing weight because food was keeping me sick. Starches keep me in a slumber of depression. Once they were removed my life got even more passionate. It was easy to throw away the pack of smokes after that. I was fit and feeling fabulous smokes brought me down.
It was at this part of my life that the question of, how good can it get was presented to me. I was on top of the world. The body I had always dreamed for, the job beyond my wildest expectaions and the perfect nuclear family. Life was soo good.. I kept up my meditation and all my spiritual practices until things started to feel off. The energy shifted and I began a sideways slide.
Soon I found myself drinking one to many glasses of wine each night. Which quickly lead to a joint here and there, which progressed scary rapidly into cheating on my husband. Before I even knew what happened I was wired to crystal meth and my family and job nowhere to be seen. Sitting in detox new years eve I had plenty of time to reflect on my life and how I had gotten there. One of my gifts is that I am able to see the larger picture of a situation in the moment and accept the lesson presented. This situation was no different.
I got to big for my ego and lost my humility. Complacency is another word for it. That was part of it. This phase of my life the lessons were layered. I lost my job because of ego. The drug addiction showed up at that time to be shed away as it had been hiding from my teen years. This is where the larger picture and examining ones past to understand the present and change the future resided for me. My family break up was a tougher pill to swallow but the truth of that matter is my husband and I had just grown apart and were no longer energetically compatible. 17 years is hard to peel away from so explosions tend to hurt. My whole life was stripped away in one clean swoop over a period of three months.
The one beautiful thing about losing everything all at once is that you can start from scratch to recreate yourself into whomever you choose.
Today looking at where I have been gives me clues to who I am now and who I am aspiring to be. Moon in aquaruis is all about embracing those secrets goals and bringing them into the light. Medicine moon of reasoning is about figuring out the hows and why's. So with this cosmic energy readily available to me. I beg to question.... who am I?
I am not an addict. It was a phase of my life that brought me to my knee's. I am not stupid enough to think that it wont again if I dont actively work a program of recovery. Recovery for me is a spiritual program of connection to my higher power. Which I now know i have been working daily for well over ten years. So through the weight loss phase of addiction removal and now through the drug addiction phase of removal I will continue a spiritual program always.
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