Surreal.
The excitement is not there like it was 3 months ago, it has been replaced with a more subtle sense of rounding the finish line. I feel more serious and focussed on my recovery now. I truly did not ever believe I would make it to a year clean. With all my relapses and my need to learn things the long, hard, painful way, I just didn't see a medallion in my future.
Today I am allowing my self to explore the possibility that I may see a birthday cake at my home group after all. I get a momentary jolt of excitement at the thought before I am made very aware of the work that still needs to go into my recovery before getting there.
I am still allowing my past to haunt my present and threaten my future. Working through a second set of steps more focussed this time on the codependency side of my addiction, I am made painfully aware of how I still cycle the pattern of abuse in my world. We are but Victims once and then become willing volunteers.... that is where I am at now.
To make it to my one year I need to stop volunteering my self for others peoples growth or sickness. Momma was wrong when she taught us little girls to be there for everyone else and put yourself last. In order for me to fully recover I truly have to put myself first and take care of me. It is only through being strong in myself that I can help others. The help I can offer is by leading the way, thats it. I can no longer jump into the snake pit and pull the suffering friend out. I cannot afford another bite.
There comes a point in ones life when that pain just becomes to great and the option of a simple quiet existence becomes more enticing. To get to my one year I need to release the drama and chaos my addict so loves to be in the dead middle of. My addict is dying and truly thats a good thing if I want a new life.
Letting go of my addict has been the true process here. Lady Vixen, the one I have lived under for the better part of my life. The persona that has kept me safe from the light, kept me guarded and shielded from any hurts, the lovely vixen that got everything she wanted and more. It has been a hard battle in my little brain to let that energy go, to let that ego go. However I fully understand now that she must be put to the grave if I want to see and maintain long term sobriety.
Nine months clean has definitely brought a whole new feeling of understanding and acceptance that I was not anticipating. My work is cut out for me, the next three months I will go within and leave the outside drama's to those still living in their chaos. Trudging the Happy, but sometimes Lonely path to Recovery.....
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