I have been deep in obsession the past few days, praying and working an 11th step to get me through it. This reading along with words of wisdom shared in a meeting last night have helped me to understand why I find myself back in obsessive thoughts when I am working a solid program.
You see I am one of those people that believe because I want to get better that it will just miraculously happen and life will stop when I ask it too. Hah. I wish! I have been angry and frustrated over the direction of my mind the past few days, not understanding how every time my life gets going in the right direction my obsessions kick into high gear. This reading has lit the way of understanding for me.
Self obsession.... I want, what I want and I want it yesterday Today I want my Ex boyfriend back. The same boyfriend I have relapsed with twice and have hit new bottoms with. Why would I possibly want him back I ask myself. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde some days, knowing full well where that decision will take me, but wanting to make it anyways.
I have been praying for guidance to get me out of that mindset as it was not working just praying about it, or redirecting my thought and then this reading comes along and gives me clear advice... get out of myself and be of service to others and think of others needs first.
Service is not just in the fellowship it's with your friends and family too. My daughter would be hurt greatly by my choice to even have a fling with my ex boyfriend, because I get loaded every time and that would put my daughter in harms way, after I have promised her I would not do that to her again. When I get with my boyfriend I lose all focus on me and my life, which would hurt my friend who asked me to train for a marathon to finish off her team come the summer. I am also in the middle of applying for a really great job that needs some hoops to be hopped through before I get it and if I lose focus now, I lose the job... and that just hurts my family more.
Thinking of them helps to solidify the reasons not to go that direction. In conjunction with working a tenth step thoroughly each night as well as keeping myself connected in prayer and mediation I know I can get through this self obsession and things will get easier. I am moving past drug obsession now which is a positive direction. Keeping focused that I am still on path and going up the steps is a positive bonus for me and helps me to continue to put one foot in front of the other.
So Just For Today, wherever I am, whatever I do, I will seek to serve others, not just myself. When faced with a dilemma, I will try to do the right thing for the right reason.
Thank you for letting me share,
No comments:
Post a Comment