Life After CHANGE

Coming back into myself.

What a process life is.  I love the process of life.  In my spiritual belief system there are ebbs and flows in the river of life.  Seasons change.   I just went through the birth of spring in all its glory and destruction.

I survived.

The witches calender Stops at Halloween.  That is the time of year that the harvest has all been pulled up and the ground freezes and everything dies back.  I like to look at it as the snow puts everything to sleep, slows everything down.  Winter is a time for contemplation.  A time to go within and asses what worked the last year and what didn't.  Its a time to make plans for the next year.

Spring is the time of year that everything wakes up and all the planning and assessing from the winter takes place.  Seeds are planted and the painful birthing through the soil occurs.   That my friends is where I am at.  Finally busted through the tough shell, through the cold earth up into the bright sun and refreshing air.

But let me tell ya, as with any growth period in my life it was not a pretty transition.  And I just about didn't make it, as many seeds don't.

Over the winter I was off work due to Burn out.  Last summer I didn't make it through.  My seed failed.   I fell into old patterns of coping with change, which is drugging and hiding out with toxic guys.  This year the same pattern emerged.

I planned all winter.  I brought my bosses on board with the promotion I was seeking and I received it.  I trained hard and I prepared myself to the best of my ability at the time.  I don't fully believe one can be entirely ready for anything in ones life no matter how much prep work and grounding they put into themselves before hand.  That's what is challenging about growth and change.  The seed still has to push through the shell on its own naturally no matter how perfect the conditions are.  Some people just don't have the Ego strength to push through.  I didn't last year.  I wasn't ready

When spring hit and my position at work went from making hundreds of calls a day to actually leading 12 guys through the delivery of the services I sold over the phone..... The shell burst wide open alright.  And chaos hit the fan!!

When one goes from what is comfortable, dark and cozy... to something totally different it feels like an exhilarating death.  Every single thing you once knew as your truth,  as your comfort,   as your stability..... gets ripped away from you violently.  With more preparation and plenty of guidance of course,  this can be a smoother transition.  For a girl like me,  that is obviously not the greatest with complete change,  its a bit of a dramatic affair.

And affair is what I am gonna have to get me through the change.  Affair with Dope, Affair with my rebellious teenage self.  Affair with the 25 year old hottie at work.

This is where I am learning about old fall backs that come into play for me.  I am comfortable with the toxic, highly emotionally charged Guy.  I am comfortable with the green ganga and the white powder.  Those are things I am familiar with in the world of complete chaos that I am experiencing.  I am okay with turning over the reins to my little Vixen.   I see why now when people get away from there chosen fall backs or bad behaviours they choose to stay seated exactly where they are and perfectly content with no more growth in life.  Its easier.  Its safer.

Its not easy to move through the cold, moist, even darker, almost suffocating soil.   Actually its down right fearful.  For me it is anyways.  I have no idea what I am gonna break through into.  Am I growing up into a beautiful well tended to garden or am I gonna burst through a pot hole on a busy city street??   That poor little seedling cannot know these things.

Preparation, intention and solid grounding before hand can definitely situate you in a better spot then a concrete pad however.  Thank the Goddess I did my prep work.  Hail fully to the Twelve steps!

However I did not come out of the dark soil without some challenges to over come.  I did get caught up in a toxic guy.  Probably the most energetically draining man I have ever come into contact with yet.  When ever I am in his energy field I can feel myself sinking way to comfortably into him.  With just one look from this guy, I am melting into a puddle on the ground, not a single resemblance of who I am left to identify.  Not good, Not healthy.  That is the largest obstacle in my path through the earth I have ever encountered in any of my growth experiences before.

Yet here I am blooming and enjoying the sun.

I was offered powder twice through my journey through the earth.  A little something something to get me through the toughest nights.  And I turned down the first time and completely ignored the second time.  That is an old pattern I refuse to fall into today.  Dope doesn't serve any purpose in my life today.  Their are absolutely no rewards I get from putting those drugs into my system.

It took me a bit longer to learn there are no rewards from the toxic guys either.  That instant feeling of attraction just like the first high you get from dope subsides far to quickly and the chasing of the dragon is far to exhausting for me today.  I need to place my energies else where.

Now that the spring is coming to an end the routine of summer is falling into step.  I am over joyed with the realization.... I did it!!!  I made it through!  I survived!   I am a blooming Tulip that worked hard to push through the challenges of growth and I have arrived in my glory.

Does it look like what I expected?

Nope not really.

I have made new friends along the way.  I have lost some dear friends along the way as well.  One thing I am definitely learning, that when one changes and moves into a whole new arena of life, everything changes.  Including people you love and cherish that you have to let go of because they are not ready to go where you are going.  Paths fork and people make different choices.  Its probably the toughest lesson in this life I have had to learn.  Moving from One phase of my life into another and continually moving forward means sevearl times, I will have to make that statement.... "only one thing needs to change, and thats everything".

I am still kinda nose down ass up moving forward so I havent even really had a chance to take in where I am at.  Last weekends camping trip with my daughter was the start of the, enjoy the rewards of hard work but brutal awareness of what I gave up in order to work hard, end for me.  So now its just a matter of allowing my self to adjust to this new life style and these new friends and be okay with feeling good about my hard work.

My new Journey......

I can cry for love.  I can work my ass off to be love.  Yet when love shows up to offer itself to me, I run away screaming.  This is where I am at now folks.  I need to let the plants I worked so hard to create actually be nurtured now.   That will be a whole new journey for me!!

And the process continues........