Oh Lordy, I am Forty!!

Lordy, Lordy Look who's Forty!

What a terrible saying.  I have decided this only today as I face that milestone head on.  Yesturday that was a funny saying when said for someone else.

I have been anticipating and dreading this day since I turned 39 last year.   All year I have referred to my age as pushing forty.  I have whined about how infantile I still feel, how little I have accomplished from my teenage to do list and I have fretted over what this decade might bring me.

  I came to realize over this past year.....

I worry way to much.

How much time, space and energy have I lost over sitting in the past or stressing about the future?  I bet 20 good years have been lost to the present moment due to being trapped in a past loop that creates a future fear.  What a waste of time it has been as I sit here and can see from experience that I only force out a negative future from too much time spent living in a past that is dead and gone.

I am simultaneously tired and motivated.  I am so tired of four decades of recreating the same patterns of defeat.  Cycling the same issues with the same people. creating the same outcomes and experiencing the same things over and over again.  Really tired of it.  I can say that as I sit here with 13 days clean and totally exhausted from the theatrics of my mind.

I am at the end of my very last cycle of defeat.

Phoenix rising.

In this forced peace and serenity however there is a glimmering spark of motivation growing there.

 I have a new sense of freedom rising up from four decades of experiences.  I have a new sense of understanding about how this game of life might work.  New confidence is bubbling up within me.  A confidence that is excited to see what this fourth decade might bring now that the shift is occurring within me.

I feel like a another dam has broke within my soul recently.  A dam that was keeping me too the darker more rough and struggling river.  But now this opening has allowed me to switch tracks into a more free flowing and gentle river.  A river that scenery is much more breath taking and the rocks softer to slide over.  The water not so muddy.

As I sit in this place of nothingness I wonder.

I wonder at where I have been.  I wonder at all the paths I have taken to get here.  I wonder at where I am in this moment.  I wonder at my surroundings as i sit on a bench and view my life from an observers perspective.  Contemplation.

I wonder what paths I will take now knowing what I know.  I wonder where i am going now that I am freeing myself from my past.  I wonder who I will become in my new serenity and peace.  I wonder what it will feel like to let go and float down the river.  i wonder what the sun will feel like as it kisses my skin and if the fish will keep pace with me.  i wonder if at some point I will end up in the ocean where dolphins will want me to play with them.

Am i tired or have I just truly and finally let go?

Am i motivate or have i just truly and finally let go and am allowing the energy of this universe carry me forward.

 I feel such a deep sense of peace today.  No high electrifying me and no low dragging me down.... just a calm and relaxed feeling that everything is exactly as it should be.

Well Lord, I made it to forty... you were right.  Now what?