A Quick Dip into Old Waters

Oh, How quickly I spin out of my great white light and into my dark grey matter.

Let me tell you how my story goes.......

Ten days of a fabulous cleanse.  A cleanse of my body, toxins released and a lightness of step returned to me.   Determination and perseverance lead to an increase in confidence and inner happiness.   This physical detox brought on a heightened awareness of all things toxic in my world and reiterated to me the importance of this three month over all cleanse of my life.

That was last week.

Oh how quickly I can digress.

On Monday I received a text from the stunningly sexy now 26 (as he has had a birthday since our fling in the spring) year old, hottie that shook my life to the ground.  If you missed those posts I will list them at the bottom of this one.  One text is all it took to get me to start to shake in my boots.  I have not talked to him in over a month, maybe even longer actually.  And he is in Ontario with, up until recently, no chance of ever coming back to my province.  Turns out he will be working here all winter.

First I must address the obvious question.  Why had I not blocked him going into this cleanse, knowing he was probably the only guy that had any power over me still.  

Two answers, the honest one.... 

Reservations.  He was my reservation, my back up, my if I don't wanna do this cleanse anymore I can go play in that mine field.  Sick reason I know, but my addict mind is not put to bed yet, let us remember.  

Second reason and a bit of truth to it as well.  On my Android phone to block someone they need to be in my contact list.  I cannot, let me repeat, cannot have his number in my phone.  My personal strength to not contact him when I am feeling low is too much of a test.  I cant do it.  So I thought I was choosing the lesser of two evils by deleting him instead.  So how did I know it was him for certain then if his name didn't come up and only his number.....  by the racing of my heart when I seen the simple.. hey.  text pop up.

Four hours later he facebooked me the same,  Hey.  So it was confirmed then and that's when I began to completely spin.  Don't ask me why I hadn't blocked him on Facebook its too deep for this post.  

Ask me instead,  why I would spin?    After the body cleanse and the feeling so good, the increased energy and the better pace my life was going at.  The yoga and mediation, the creative art I was doing.... why would a simple three letter word  from a guy that does not have my best interest at heart spin me so quickly?

But spin me it did.

My daughters birthday was on the weekend and this was the Monday after and left over chocolate cake was wrapped up nicely on my counter.  Until now I had no desire to eat it as I was slowly just adding solids back to my diet and the rush of sugar was not my idea of a good time. ..... or so I thought.  After seeing the second text, with no thought process I went straight away for a large slice of cake.  I took it back into my room, hiding of course from my daughter who would question the food choice.  After wolfing it down, I autopilot to the kitchen for another go round.

Second mistake.... I know better to have cake in my house, no matter what.  I threw the whole thing away after that second piece.   

I went to bed that night revving up my addict.  I tossed and turned, sweated and dreamt of the great sexscapade heading my way.  I knew at that moment I would hook back up with this kid, the process had begun again within me.

That was Monday night and since then I have had ice cream which is a huge toxin for my body and mental state.  I spent two days on the couch suffering from what was about to come.  I let myself sink pretty low from those two meager little texts.

Until this morning when I thought..... how fucking ridiculous I am being.  Part of this detox is to learn to rewire the way I think through new actions chosen.  I am feeding into old ways by the choices I am making.  Thats not my goal.  My goal is to change that.  So today I got up and showered and went about my day as if nothing has happened in the last two days.  Other then the awareness that I have to step up my recovery game.

No cake in my house period.  But I do need healthy snack attack foods.  This I learned from my time as a weight loss coach.   Just cause the kid texted me does not mean I have acted out.  I have no control of other peoples actions only my own.  So I need to tell my thoughts to stop and redirect them.  This I learned from the twelve step program.  I need to up my meditations and yoga practices as complacency was taught to me through many failed attempts at success in all areas of my life.

I feel much better today and can see clearly the pattern of my chemical and electrical spikes in my body and why I got spun in the first place.

When hottie texted , endorphin released a shot of the love drug into my system.  Goddess, how I love that Love drug.  After it was released my body wanted more.  This I knew and was able to distract myself.... that is until the second text came in.. Then the endorphin was too strong for me and all the neurons fired up along my spine.  To stuff my feelings and to keep the chemicals pumping, double edged sword for me on this one... I ate cake.   My sleep was further disturbed by fantasies of the hottie, which by the morning lead to a crash of the chemicals in my body as I knew I couldn't keep them going without going further then I was willing to go in my addiction of them.   So the onset of the two day depression.

I am starting to understand on a more personal level how my own body reacts to stress and love and excitement.  I am learning this through these detoxes and cleanses and silence.  They put me in touch with my body and my own nervous system.  With no huge life distractions I am forcing myself to go deep within to learn what makes me tick.    With continued study in the field of psychology I am learning a great deal about the human nervous system.

By the end of this year I will have re-patterned the way my body fires up.  No longer will things of toxicity excite me.  I will have a solid center and will finally at forty be able to move forward with my life and achieve the things my heart has always wanted to.  ..... well thats my internal motivational speech anyways.  lol  Here's shooting for the moon!!

http://recoverpower.blogspot.ca/2015/05/reflection-in-shattered-mirror.html

Finished the Master Cleanse Program!!!

I did it!!   I am phasing out of the Master Cleanse and moving into clean eating.  I love how the health industry has made popular the word clean in regards to the way we eat and our bodies.   Drug addiction recovery also uses that term of 'getting clean' when one gets off dope.   I find it very fitting of what one is doing not only to there body but there soul as well.

I feel so clean today.  Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Today my thoughts are clear of obsession, which is such a wonderful freedom.  And here I thought I used drugs, food and sex to find freedom from the mundane and boring in our world.  True freedom resides in the absence of slavery.  I am not a slave to my obsessive thoughts today and boy let me tell you how good that feels!

Today my body is regaining energy and feels better shedding the extra weight that was clogging my arteries.  I am lighter in my step and yoga practice is becoming easier every day.  I am beginning belly dance youtube videos( not ready to join a class just yet).  And even began going back to the gym, which I cannot even begin to describe how much I love the gym.  I truly do.  The whole energy and atmosphere of a gym just illicit feel good in ones body, well that's how it makes me feel anyways.

Emotionally I have to say, I haven't taken a calming herb in a couple weeks now.  No daily lemon balm squirt in my water, No Gaba pills to ease my anxiety.  Nothing.   By day three of the master cleanse I was so calm and relaxed.  My energy being conserved for things that matter in life.  The phrase "don't sweat the small stuff' kept coming to mind during my cleanse.  And now it has stuck,

Spiritually.  I am just starting to connect in with my higher power.  I think I always struggle with this one most.  which is funny because when people are asked to describe me in one word Spiritual is the word most people choose.  I find that I have such a deep belief in my higher power and such a great relationship with them, that I feel safe enough to get right pissed off when shit goes sideways in my life.  My higher power is who i get pissed off with,  I am kinda still mad at her that she didn't let me play in the devils playground.  I get why and yes appreciate where I am at.  but emotion doesn't reason with logic.  So spiritually I have a little bit more work to do but I for sure feel clear enough to do it.

I love the master cleanse.  It may not be for everyone cause it sure does take alot of will power and the ability to listen to your body and trust it.  However if you can do those things then I highly recommend clearing away the toxins not only trapped in your body but the ones in your life as well.  \i know I will do this cleanse once a year to reset my body and to continue to deepen the cleanse.  I only chipped the tip of an ice burg this cleanse.

http://themastercleanse.org/

Detox Day Infinity

Day Eight on my fast and  boy am I getting active in this journal now.  I need an outlet for my awareness to manifest.   I was reading my own words of wisdom from previous blog posts today and found my own words to be more motivating the the leading Guru of all time.

Speaking of the leading Guru of all time.  I read Deepack Chopra's weekly newsletter religiously each week.  There is not a newsletter that goes by that doesn't fill me full with great awareness or satisfying validation of my own belief system.

Last week the article that got me inspired most,

 http://www.chopra.com/ccl/retraining-your-experiences-how-to-defeat-negative-biases?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=Email&utm_content=CCL%20Newsletter%20150929&utm_campaign=September

Is an article about rewiring the way we think.  He even addresses addictions within the article.  I found it extremely fitting for where I am at life and what I am trying to do.  I firmly believe we can retrain our minds and release our self from the labels we have allowed to be plastered to our foreheads.

The main reason I left the twelve step fellowship besides continued growth, is that I refused to speak in the presence of spirit that I am an Addict.  In the beginning it felt amazing to understand I was indeed an addict and to be accepted into a fellowship of recovery addicts.  But as time goes on one must move past this if you want to continue to grow and move on from that.

Many successful people will tell you that in order to succeed you need to hook in with people that have what you want.  Read up daily on the subject you are trying to master.  Meet with people in the industry your  trying to achieve in.  I don't want to be an addict, who the hell wants that?   So I am rewiring my brain even further into what I do want.

Which at this stage of my mid life crisis I have no bleeping idea.

Today the article that inspired me from Deepak's email was one about finding your center.  I remember once my beloved intuitive guide telling me that balance for me was like a marble sitting on a flipped over bowl.  Once the bowl tips the marble is gone.  He proceeded to say most peoples marbles were inside the bowl!  Guess I wear my marbles on the outside.  Go Figure.

I see now thats what this detox is really about for me.  Finding my center again.  When I was working the crazy hours and getting involved with the young buck at work, my co-worker would stop me in mid manic stride and place his hand in the center of my chest and say, 'where's your center?'   I would stop in annoyance.  Take a deep breath, pretend to calm myself and be off and running again as soon as his back was turned.  I couldn't regain balance no matter how hard I tried so I gave in to my addictive nature to carry me through.

I had to completely pull out of life to regain my balance.  Turns out my intuitive counselor was right.  I am pretty sensitive to balance.  This is an awareness that I am going to have too deeply accept and try very very hard not to forget this in the future.  Going forward from this detox will mean creating a life that is more gentle to my nature and more safely balanced.  I don't really want my marbles rolling around for all to see anymore.

http://www.chopra.com/ccl/how-to-find-your-center-in-3-easy-steps?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=Email&utm_content=CCL%20Newsletter%20151020&utm_campaign=October

Complacency is a game of Strength

My daughter said to me yesterday in conversation about my state of mind, "Mom, you like being miserable".  I laughed because she is completely right.  I am passionate about my misery.  There is a knight of Cups in the Tarot deck that speaks directly to this ailment.  I love falling in love, no secret there, and I equally love the theatrics of falling out of love.  

I am passionate about my misery right now.  Which falls under my detox No-No's.   I am trying to reset my dopamine and to learn to live in a more balanced state of being.   I am not in balance I am in a low.  Not depression, but full on theatrical misery. A temper tantrum hissy fit!   I have had to give up everything I have loved until this point in my life.   Of course the things I loved were and are toxic for my body and life, but none the less I loved them.

But that was yesterday!!  Clicking along at my steady erratic pace.......

Today on day seven of The Master Cleanse I feel so empowered.  I feel motivated and have a clearer mind then I have in a very long time.  This is the part of addiction recovery that I love.  The head clearing phase.  Its in this phase that my awareness becomes acute and my ability to take action is heightened.

So what am I learning right now?

I never follow through on anything!!  I let complacency get the best of me.  Or I sabotage.   Getting over the hump of this fast has shown me how close I really was to quitting two days ago.  I had every rationalization to stop and begin to blend into the fruits and vegetable cleanse I have planned after this detox cleanse.  I did have insane cravings for Doritos(which is odd cause I never eat them), but it wasn't that kind of food I wanted to go back to   I tried to justify the transition already planned a few days early.  And by a few days I do mean half way point.

My daughter convinced me to stay moving forward on the fast as I was still seeing some incredible detox benefits from it.  My tongue is as white as snow.  No joke.  Apparently toxins come out your tongue.  My skin is amazingly clear, I even think some freckles have faded, for real.  I have lost a good deal of weight already and well now today my energy levels are on the rise...... which is so good cause my energy was tanking hard before the fast.   I am glad she motivated me to continue.

Scrubbing a tough patch off an oven this morning, I was reminded of how quickly I give up on things.  If I don't see instant results I am out.  Simple.  No questions, just done.  Or if I have to push through I do so indignant and frustrated and normally fail at the pursuit due to my attitude.  I scrubbed that oven and when I started to see some good results of my work I felt vindicated.  That motivated me to continue even through the tough moments that followed.

Scrubbing the oven was very much like this fast.  I know there will be another hurtle or two to jump before I cross the finish line, but I am much more motivated now to follow through.  Its this follow through that I need to carry to the rest of my life.  Its when i quit half way through that I miss the light at the end of the tunnel, opting instead to stay in the dark.

When I landed the best job of my life so far, I was meditating daily.  I was connecting with my higher power.  I was practicing self care to the best of my ability then.  I was activily doing my part in the co-creation process.   Then within a year of landing said dream job, I stopped meditating.  I stopped self care.  I stopped actively doing my part.  And well you know how this story goes... said dream job ended.

In the twelve step program complacency is a big word that is a hot topic of discussion.  When we become complacent in our responsibilities the universe has no choice but to mirror your actions.  Thats all the universe is, a mirror.  Law of attraction number one... what you put out comes back to you.  You get lazy, so does your God.

I get lazy.  I self sabotage by not following through on my own self care.  That is what I am learning today.  I know I have spoke about this so so so much in this blog.  And its a concept I have already chewed several times.  But I guess I haven't fully digested it yet.   A human complicating simple concepts I am with my over analytical brain always looking for a new fresh trail to blaze just so I can by pass complacency.

Lesson is.... I need to stick with my daily meditations, my connection with my higher self and my self care.  No matter how good it gets.  ..........That is of course once I start them again.  lol.     Come now, who meditates in misery?  As if.

Entering the Void

I just read another blog that brushed on the topic of how we as humans tend to over complicate our lives.   http://wapeyit.blogspot.ca/2015/10/the-basics-of-medicine-wheel.html   In the twelve step program I was involved in they too spoke about it being a simple program for complicated beings.

I think in the spinning of my mind today, I am getting some great pokes by spirit.

I am on day six of my fast (  http://themastercleanse.org/ )     ...... and I feel like I am finally entering into the void.

The void can be looked at in many different ways.  In ways that create tension and frustration, depression and anxiety.  Or in ways that create peace and calm, trust and letting go.   The article above also spoke about how we are always trying to control our lives and how trusting the flow and natural rhythms of our lives can be a bit challenging for us.

I know for my analytical mind I feel I need to constantly be processing.   Always trying to figure things out.  Thinking about the reasons, the solutions and the best paths for what ever situation I am in.  Rarely can I just Stop and Be.   I have to know the ins and outs before I can let go.

I can only understand now after six solid days of wiggling that I am just too tired to care.  I am tired of my own mind.   In a way that is a sad sap comment,  and for sure I do feel a bit miserable and depressed.

I am entering into the void.

I am big into numerology these days and have been studying my profile and the profiles of those close to me.  I have gained some pretty neat understandings of myself and my relationships.  From my Virgo skeptic mind this is saying something.   I am in year two of the numerology wheel.   The medicine wheel as Lisa is speaking of in her blog post above has a very similar system for determining the lessons of the year.

 In the year two its all about pause, going within in, resting.  After the year one of a change in course, a fresh start, new seeds planted.   Year two is about rest after that hard work and building up strength for the next very busy year.  Thats what I understand it to be anyways and its super fitting of where I am at in life.

This year its about entering the void.

 I miss my town house that I just moved from three months ago.  I loved that home.  I miss the space and my meditation room.  I miss my pallet bed that couldn't come with me.  I miss my nick nacks that I gave away to start with a clean slate.  I miss the stores in the area and the walking trails I would journey those three years.

I don't love where I live yet.  Its not home yet.  I am in the void.  The in between.  My sense of belonging is not on a solid foundation right now.  

I miss my busy jobs whether it be my landscaping one or even my weigh loss job from many years ago.... I miss being an over achiever.  I miss the recognition and the accolades.  I miss the money and the busyness.   I miss feeling important and needed.   I am in a void.

I appreciate the calm and peace my new job has the potential to bring me.  I do respect the flexibility and the freedom I have where I am at now.  In time I will be very happy with this change, I know this as truth.  But today I am feeling loss.  lots and lots of loss.

I miss Tim Hortons Coffee and Bagels.  I miss Sexting the hot 25 year old.  I miss hitting the clubs with my skinny body, although this was several years ago I am finding myself missing it today.  I miss an active social life and a busy job.    None of these things I can have right now because all of these things spin me into addiction.

I am in the void.

Being in the void is necessary to growth and healing.  Not many people like entering into the void.  Its comparable to a shamans death.  Where one strips away the things in life one was attached to in order to discover what sustains a person without these things.   We are bread in a society here in North America to become attached at a very young age to things, people and places.  I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing.  Nor that everyone needs to peel away from these things to find themselves.

I do however.

In the absence of food, my mind has cleared some.   I am extremely addicted.   To everything. Complete attachment and dependence.   So addicted that pretty much anything can crash my life to the ground and pretty much at some point in my past has.  My obsessions are so overwhelming that not even the love of my daughters can stop me when I want something.   When I crash the cycle, interrupt the process, only then can I gain clarity and see through my obsession.  That is the void for me.

I have entered mini voids before, or maybe a better image is...... I have skirted the void before. But  I have never had the courage to dive fully in.  Today I am diving in fully.

I have stopped all things sexual and romantic.  For me it was constant fantasy about falling in love with the toxic boy, the emotionally unavailable man and how I could change him.  I would hook up with guys that had no interest in me other then sex with the belief that underneath they truly loved me. I would solo sex to get myself out of bad moods, boredom moods or when I couldn't fall asleep.  Never did I solo sex cause I was actually turned on to it.   These are huge problems when they consume your almost every waking thought.

In the void the rose colored glasses have fully come off.  Half of me wants to reach out to a hot guy and live in blissful ignorance and the other half is strengthening.

I have stopped ingesting food toxins.  Upon waking my first thought used to be about what I was going to have for breakfast.  While eating breakfast I was thinking about lunch.  During lunch cause I was such a good girl with my food choices so far I was gonna splurge for supper and have a huge plate of spaghetti cause I deserved it.  After supper watching 'Once Upon a Time' with my beloved daughter, my mouth would start to salivate for ice cream from the Dairy Queen across the street. Even though I know I will feel very sick in the morning, I just can't resist the craving.  And the cycle would start all over again the next day.

I lived like that once before and after entering the void once in this arena and losing all my weight and eating very healthy for a very long time I am reminded quickly how much I miss the freedom from being a slave to my food choices.

I am fully in the void now from everything that I was attached too.  Food, Sex, Guys, Friends, drugs, Over working and over spending.   And honestly logical or not.  I miss it all!!  Terribly!   January is a long long long ways away.

How does this fit in with my opening paragraph of how we complicate our own lives?

I am only accepting the void now on day six of my food fast and well, two weeks into my overall detox.  Because I couldn't allow the process to flow.  Even still in my misery I am desperately trying to fight it by rationalizing it.

Something I am coming to realize;  feelings some times cannot be rationalized.  They just are.  I miss my attachments but I cant go back to them and no amount of paths or trails can bring me back to them because I have already changed course.  If I can learn to let go and just flow I will find that my life on the other side of these vices will be more amazing then I can imagine now because I have never experienced where I am going..... because I have never been here before.

I am fully, both feet, knee deep, up to my neck....... In the Void.

So here is too not complicating the shit out of this next three months.

Where do you get your energy from?

Day four of my Master Cleanse!!

 And by master cleanse I mean so much more then just the drink fast I am on.    For me its about coming out of my addictive nature and resetting my dopamine levels back to a normal range with the ability to let go and let my body run the command center again.

I am very aware of my energy today.  Where I get it from and where I spend it.  I am an energy healer,  Energy has been a focal point of mine for well over fifteen years now.  As I dig deeper into this detox process as Mike Olaski from the Master Cleanse program advised, I am seeing things I already knew but have forgotten in my wheat coma.

Like I was taught in the twelve step fellowship, reading literature is key to successful change.  I have been living within the master cleanse website the past four days.  Drinking in everything I can in order to stay motivated to get through this body reset.  One of the common complaints I read about is the lack of energy people have.   At first I thought there must be a problem with them.  I remember the only successful time on the master cleanse before, I had tonnes of energy and felt fabulous.

Today however I don't have an abundance of energy and I am into the fast far enough to start seeing some benefits.  Upon waking this morning I didn't want to get out of bed.  My first thought was of my morning coffee heavily doused with french vanilla creamer and my home made cinnamon buns. Instantly I remembered I cannot have these and I rolled over and went back to sleep.

So I asked myself......   Is it lack of energy or slight depression?

After an argument with my daughter last night, one for which I could not continue cause I just didn't have the energy to fight with her.   I became very aware of where I spend my energy and the food thoughts this morning tell me where I used to get my energy.   Both spending and receiving are empty calories.  Processed sugars and fighting??

I question why the two other times I tried this fast they did not work out for me.  I was just unable to stick to them.  Both times I was in life situation that took way too much energy and I just could not continue to function as I was in those situations on just lemon juice and syrup.   I realize now how much energy leaves my body through my mental and emotional bodies.

My first time I was on the cleanse I worked at the weight loss center that fueled me daily.  Comments from my clients about my own weight loss and thanks for theirs fueled me to over full daily.  I was making great money and had a very great home life at that time.  The fast was almost effortless.  I wasn't using food as my fuel.  I was filling up on accolades and money.   Power fueled me.

When I tried the cleanse while I was managing a landscaping company, I didn't make it three days.  I just couldn't.  I was spending way too much energy in emotions and thought process and was getting nothing in return.  No gratification from the job as at this time I pretty much hated what I was doing and I was very deep into an addictive cycle of workaholism and romantic relationships(with a smoking hot 25 year old).   I wasn't drawing energy from anywhere as both my addictive cycles were draining me as well.

I am deeply aware right now of where my energy is going because the only place it was coming from was food.  In this total detox of my life I have pulled away from all the things that power me up.  I have done this in order to ferret out where my energy is derived from and what is healthy for me and what is not.

After getting clean from dope I launched into a beautiful fellowship of people that brought me to an even higher high then dope had given me.  I look back now and see how people can spike my dopamine just as much as unhealthy avenues.  Its why after six months of being clean and the fellowship high wearing off that i would always seek out a new vice or go back to the old one.  To keep my high going.

I am very aware eating cinnamon buns for breakfast daily is so not healthy for me personally.  Its an empty sugar that causes me to be lazy and depressed.  After awhile of this pattern I have even had thoughts of just going to sleep and never waking up I am so miserable.  Wheat and sugar have very very poor effects in my body,.  Yet once I start over eating them I cannot stop.   For me it was worse then dope.  At least dope kills me hard and fast but there is drama and flair to it and I get to go to another world.... starches slowly take my will to live.  Cannot explain why, it just is.

So the master cleanse is to rid myself of that energy source.   But where then am I getting my energy?

I am lucky because I work a job that allows me a super flexible schedule and salary.   I have freedom in how much work I do.  As long as my list of cleaning duties get done in a day then I am good to go. I don't derive much energy off my job, I am not a cleaner at heart.  But this job affords me the time to build my holistic practice and that does fuel me.   However its not fueling me yet as I need to get myself healthier in order to successfully proceed in that arena.

So really I don't need much energy for my life right now.  And that's why this cleanse will work for me this time.  I am resetting my bodies gauges.  Through the resetting I have the time and the limited energy to dig into the process and understand some fundamental truths about my own existence.

That gives me energy!

Here is a video from the Master Cleanse site.  It is chocked full of information about the cleanse.  I love the calorie intake part.  I eat more calories on this cleanse then I did on the weight loss plan from the clinic I worked.   And truly simple our bodies function on calories in vs. calories out.   Which means the cleanse itself does not take away your energy, its the things in your life that do.

Good Bye, Sweet Obsession

I have started the Master Cleanse Program again.   This will be the fourth time I have done it in the past eight years.  Its a fifty fifty draw for me whether I can sustain it or not.   I guess it boils down to my motivation behind why I am detoxing in the first place.

Let me first explain what the Master Cleanse is....

I drink only a maple syrup lemon water concoction.  No solid foods, no other substances then water.   You can find the recipe at this address.... http://themastercleanse.org/   If you scroll down you will see Wayne Dryer did the cleanse.  His words about the program....

 "I feel great and taken weight off around my middle. It’s just kinda disappeared. I have lost 14 or 15 pounds I have more energy. I am doing yoga again. I am back walking. I was having real issues with my back. Joint pains and things like that seem to have all gone. I have a new kind of clarity as well."

Like I said I have done this program before with great success and well, no success.  As with anything it rides on the mindset you have going into it.   Seeings as I am actually two weeks into my detox, over a month if you count my soft start, and I am still eating like food is going out of style and you wont be able to get any after Halloween, I have to do something a bit more drastic.

I am not detoxing for the same outcomes Wayne Dryer did.

I didn't really want to go this far into a cleanse with my life detox.  Binging and purging are very real issues for me and going to extremes feeds the addict in me and still, even in starvation of an enjoyment my dopamine levels can be spiked.   Extreme discipline for an even larger pay off can keep me riding an addictive cycle for a very long time.

So why then am I doing this cleanse if I know it can spin me?

Cause I cant stop eating.   No matter what side I tackle it from I just cant stop shoveling wheat and sugars into my body.   Its the same situation as having to go into a dry out center to get off dope cause one just cant stop using.   But its with food.

I am not sure many people realize the drugs that are in our food.  Drugs that cause us to become addicted to what we are eating.  Here is an article found in the blog section of Dr. William Davis, the author of Wheat Belly.  He explains how much bread messes with the minds of people with a mental disorder.... http://www.wheatbellyblog.com/2015/04/top-10-reasons-to-kiss-wheat-and-grains-goodbye-forever/

I am hooked on sugar and wheat.  I am in Obsession.  My addict is still thriving.

There really inst any food dry out center's where I live.   I need to get more serious and drastic about my detox.  So that's why the master cleanse has to come into play in my life now.  I tried it the softer easier way.  I need to reset my pallet, reset my cravings.   This is a program to reprogram the way I eat food.  That is the motivation behind why I am doing the cleanse this time.

Thats a solid good motivation as it links in very tightly with my overall detoxing of men, drugs, money and overworking.

I am doing myself a service by releasing myself from the obsession of food.  I no longer have to think about what I am going to eat next meal.   I need this break for my obsessive mind.  The weight loss clinic I worked at provided food for its clients.  I see now why it was so effective for me.  I didn't  have to think about what I was going to eat, I just ate what was on the menu.

This freed up a tremendous amount of obsessive thought energy.

With that thought in mind, I need to look at the hard truth that this is truly my day one.   I have had several false starts and many more almost starts.  But today will mark the first day of truly a life free of obsession.  Food and sex have been the last two hurdles to overcome obsessive thoughts.  So I guess now I am finally on my way into this detox.

I have had lots of feedback from friends and family on their ability to do what I am doing.  My therapist admitted to me that she gets anxiety at the thought of giving up all her vices for three months in order to live a healthier cleaner life.   I have had several people tell me how much I inspire them by what I am doing.

I have to sit back and revel in those comments because this has never been about anyone but me.  I am ruining my life over my obsessions.  Spinning my wheels at 41 with nothing to show for my journey but a huge mountain of dirt behind my truck tires.   I want to go somewhere and do something with my time on this planet.   Its my addictions always crashing my life to the ground.  Its my obsessions clouding my view from a greater, brighter future.

Once the dust settles from the shit storm I have created in my life I am hoping that I will be able to refocus on a horizon ahead of me and have a clear vision of where I want to go.   As a motivational coach its what I first ask my clients... where do you see yourself, what do you want??   Painting a clear vision of where your headed helps you maintain the why when the going gets tough.

 I cant see where I am going right now.  I have no goals other then to clear myself of the toxins clouding me.  The twelve step program taught me to only focus on the next step and let my higher power carry me the rest of the way.   So here is my current step.

Good bye Wheat and Sugar and all things processed.